I am the mother of a beautiful 9 and a half month old babygirl, who was born in July last year. Me and her father were together throughout the pregnancy, and 4 months post-natal. After we seperated, it was qucik shift to court after a nasty seperation.
I, instinctively, went for day-to-day care for the child.
We have been in court now since November last year, and we are still trying to come to 'agreements' and all sorts of things, to avoid the last court case, leaving the judge to make the final decision.

However, I recently cancelled babys daddys' access because of a number of things really, but after mediation last week finally agreed that it was fair for baby to see her daddy more frequently to rebuild a bond they hadn't had since she was so young.
I am happy with the decision I made, however I am struggling to cope with sending baby on the days she goes, especially without tears.
And I am struggling with the emotions of seeing her father, and communicating with him too.

We both have to attend to communication counseling to try and make it easier for the both of us, and for baby too, especially as she gets older. and to avoid conflict.
So as you can imagine, I am also struggling to deal mentally with the thought of things jus being done completely different to at home- sleeping, eating routines especially.

Its really hard..

Any other mums out there who have been, know what its like to, or are going through anything like this and have advice, info, stories, anything!!

when I was 7.5mths pregnant with DS2 DH told me he didn't want to be married anymore and I moved out it was a very emotional and stressful time for me I was a wreck I had to move in with mum and dad which was hard cos things needed to be different for DS1.
When DS2 was born DH was there but things quickly turned sour again. Because he worked shift work he had the boys once a week which I found so hard I cried everytime I left them, and just kept thinking about how hard it was going to be for them when they grew up.
We never went through any custody battles as DH (working shift work) could not commit.
But now DS2 is 10mths and we have been back together for 6mths now and things are better than ever, he just realised he didn't want to be without me and his boys.

I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through is tough, but just remember you are her mummy and no one can take that away, be strong for her and she will grow up to see what a wonderful job you did for her.
Goodluck with everything and I hope things work out for you and you get your desired ending!!
HUGS

Oh and with the whole routine from day to day, I just realised it had to be done and I was going to be the one to do it,it made me so much stronger.

What a tough situation! I don't have any experience in this kind of thing but I just want to say that at least bub will grow up not remembering her mummy and daddy splitting up. I come from a broken family...so well I kind of do have a little bit of experience I suppose, but what I'm trying to say is, you will do the best you can for your bub and so will her dad. He may do things different to you, but I guess you will all adjust in time. Ask him if it would help for you to write down her routine, what she likes, dislikes etc. This may also help to break some barriers if you know what I mean? It will also give you peace of mind that he may follow the routine however he can. Just remember that what may work for you eg. settling, sleep time, bath time... bub may not co-operate for him with so just try go with the flow.
I'm sorry I have no idea/advice about dealing with the emotions in regards to your ex. Just take one step at a time. Best of luck to you!

Oh, oh, oh, my heart breaks for you. Had similar situation with DD1. Her father didn't want anything to do with her before or after she was born. I left when she was four months old. Just before I married my husband, by which time DD1 was about 20 months old, her father dragged the matter to court. DD started seeing hime just after her 2nd birthday and she hated every minute of it. 18 months and $62,000 later we got orders that said she was to spend 6 nights a month with him. DD is turning four this month and still reverts to wetting and pooing herselef as soon as she knows that a visit is pending, and continues to do so for a couple of weeks after she gets home. Still screams and screams and I have to peel her off my neck to give her to him at the airport. Still comes home unkept and looking as though she hasn't slept since she left. It is the most gut wretching thing I've ever had to do. I named her Gracie because when I was pregnant with her I knew that God's grace was going to be the only thing that could save us, so I just do the best I can and hope like heck that God's grace is enough to cover the rest. Just know that there are many many people who are crying along side you, and that the legal system that we are subject to is a very flawed one.

What a tough situation! I don't have any experience in this kind of thing but I just want to say that at least bub will grow up not remembering her mummy and daddy splitting up. I come from a broken family...so well I kind of do have a little bit of experience I suppose, but what I'm trying to say is, you will do the best you can for your bub and so will her dad.

But then it will be like me. My mum and dad split up when I was a baby- and now I have no idea what it is like to live in a normal, fight-free family. My partner is suffering for it now. His parents are still together. All I know is that I don't ever want to do what they did to my child. You know what? IT is still going. My baby will come, and for the first time in years they will be forced to see each other. How sh*t is that, that parents can fight for so long? That two people can hate each other so much? That they can say bad things about one another to their children. They become bitter. They screw up every other relationship they have and blame it on each other. They STILL blame their financial situation on the divorce. Will it ever end?

My advice- Stop arguing. Both parents have a right to see the child- unless there is a safety risk. Stop the stupid family court stuff. Just plain STOP IT.
You two once talked- so tell each other to suck it up and talk again- because it isn't about YOU- it's about your child. She will need a dad. You can't just stop his access! That will cause more problems. It's unfair (unless, of course, there is that safety risk).

Things don't have to be exactly the same in the different homes. Think of what actually matters. As long as she comes home, she is happy and fed, then stop the unnecessary b/s.

And for gods sake- don't you dare start making her have two christmas's, easters, BIRTHDAYS,

or splitting school holidays, where she will want to spend time with her friends, but instead has to go to whatever parent has access in that time. If she has a sports game, or a play at school, and she want's both of you to be there- make sure you're both there.
Don't be so stubborn as to not being involved because the 'other parent' will be there.

If one parent rocks up at school to say hello because they've been in another state for months- don't call the school and forbid that parent from seeing her. It's cruel.

When she grows up- don't offer her partner 'helpful' advice on how to 'deal' with the 'other side' of the family.

Sort it out now- while she isn't old enough to pick up on the animosity.

maybe having a book that goes back and forward where you will write what you have done on you days with her.... like nappies and bottles and sleep and food and a quick blurb about her that day....

like "wow i noticed that you are really keen to get down the hall chasing the cat or we went to the park and the smile on your face while you were on the swing"

we do this at work for parents i am sure it would work if you both fill it in as a positive thing then you wont have to ask about bottles and nappies etc or sleep because it will be in the book...

also when you drop her off the note would be hi Daddy i woke up at 7am had my bottle at 7am breakfast at 8am next bottle and bed due at.........

you could put photos in and it will be a keepsake for you all

I is hard, really hard, I have been there and Im still there.

Steph0413, you sound very frustrated, that really sad fro you that your parents couldnt come together and make it happen for you. Islasmommy take note of what this lady is saying because this may be your daughter in 20 years time.

I must say that maintaining a relationship with my ex that is functional and mostly nonconfronational is really hard work!!! But it is do-able. It does take both parties working together to create a common goal of maintaining stablility for the child.

It is really hard to let go of your child, but it does get easier. The idea subzero had was a good one, that way you are both connected and you will write more than you will talk at this stage- the talking and negotiation will get easier though.

Good luck and remember we are always here to lend an ear. smile

Oh and when your daughter goes away have a plan of what you are going to do with your time before she leaves, wether it is gardnening or housework or catching up with friends. That way you are busy and semi distracted

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