Hi All smile

I'm wanting a bit of advice. It's a debated topic with my family & friends so I thought an outside opinion may help. Here goes....I'm a single mum to a 4 month old boy. His father and I were off and on for 4yrs when we found out I was pregnant, at the time we had also just split up. Throughout the whole of my pregnancy I never saw him, he never came to hospital visits, scans or antenatal classes. The first time I saw him was the day I went into labour with our son. Now he has seen my son 5 times since he was born, at 1 & 2 days old, 4wks, 9wks and 16wks. He doesn't call to see his son he will only text me but it's usually to ask to see him and then I get nothing back for a few days and it's usually followed by an excuse.

We have been fighting alot lately because he wants to have my son for a whole day without me. I don't agree with this and don't allow it but he thinks I'm being a selfish *. I have alot of resentment against him for the way he has treated me throughout this and also for how he is treating my son. Am I right to say no. I don't believe he should as he hasn't made an effort to see my son and the times he has it's usually because I push it on him. He will only make time tues-fri to see him the rest of the week he is uncontactable. Then he usually says that he is living his life, now I'm not talking about a teenager, I'm talking about a 25yr old man. What rights would I give him to my son as he hasn't made an effort yet and he doesn't know his son to a bar of soap and my son doesn't recognise or know him either. Or should I just give up, move on and forget him in the past because I don't want him doing this to my baby all his life!!

Rant over.....

Thanks Jessy smile

There's no way I would let him take my baby for the day at only 4 months old!

Unfortunately you may not be able to just forget about him and move on if he wants to see his child.

Sorry I don't really have any advice for you but he needs to put in alot more effort with his child before I would let him (by choice) take your child for a whole day!

In no way are you being unreasonable. You can't go from having no interest and never seeing him to wanting to take home for the day. The most I would allow would be supervised visits that can slowly work their way up to one on one time.

You are totally doing the right thing by your son!

Stick to your guns!!! If it all starts getting too much for you maybe look into a court order for visitation?

Goodluck with it all.

Helenxx

or - allow him the day and see how he copes? bet he'll be bringing him back after only a little while. he obviously has no idea of what a whole day with a baby really entails.

Go to legal aid and get some legal advice regarding custody arrangements. Has your ex ever looked after a baby before or attended parenting classes? Would he even know how to look after a 4-month-old? Get a court order which says he can visit your DS on specific days for a couple of hours - and depending on how well he does, that time could be extended. I believe it's important for kids to know their father's. Just because he was a lousy boyfriend, it doesn't mean he can't be a good father - but you need to give him a chance.

I think him having him for an entire day at 4 months old is inappropriate. At 4 months old, a baby should not be without their main carer for any length of time. If he has only seen him a handful of times, then to your baby he is a stranger. At that age your baby would find it extremely distressing. I would be letting him visit with you there until the baby is much older and as their relationship builds, then they eventually start the one on one time once its age appropriate. (and that means when your baby is comfortable with him.)

I am not sure legally what your rights are. I would allow him to see your son, but under your circumstances. I would also make sure your agreement is all in writing and signed by both of you and witnessed. Unfortunately, he is the dad which means he will be part of your sons life forever. (no matter how much you wish he wasn't.) I guess trying to find ways to get on with each other and find ways for your son to have access to him without it being stressful or detrimental to any of you is the way to go.
Rough situation though..... huge hugs and all the best with it!
xxx

Thanks heaps, I know now that I'm not the only one that sees it the way I do. I may have to look into legal aid however DF is not actually listed on the birth certificate as I thought it best and also because my son took my name and not DF's so he wouldn't sign it for that particular reason. He was never a bad partner, we always had the best relationship so it is unusual behaviour as we had spoken about children before. I suppose huge things in life like having a child can change people and unfortunately that happened to my man.

I always wanted my DF in my son's life but how much is enough. If he can do it so easily now I don't want him doing it to DS when he's older. For now though I am sticking to my gut feeling and doing what's best for DS and if that means no DF then that's what needs to be done for the present issue. I will always though have my door open for changes and hopefully a leopard can change it's spots.

Thanks again, you've all helped me.

Jessy x

Absolutely NOT..

Okay speaking from my dads perspective where he did all the raising and did all the hard yards and mum wanting to have me on weekends it did not go well.
He dicided it was best for me to make my own opinion of my birth mother ( havent spoken to her since early teens ) I have a huge amount of respect for my dad for letting me make my own opinion of her - because in the end she was the one being a manipulative irresponsible parent who couldnt look after me if she tried.

In some ways looking back i wqould rather not have known her exsistance - would have made for a more pleasant childhood - at 4 months old i doubt you kid would know who their dad is and something tells me you would be racking yourself silly with fear if you left him alone with her.

Could offer some middle ground IE he has supervised visits and gets involved with the nappy changing bathing and cleaning and all the stuff you do every day. It could make you feel more comfortable if you do this then you know what he has been shown and if he doesnt do it you can crack down on it quickly.. if all else fails and he says no then just get A COURT order that states supervised visits for a certain length of time