I'm a new dad and I'm struggling

Hi All,

Im a dad of a new born who is about 2 weeks old now and I don't feel like I'm coping very well with the whole situation.

We are back at home now and my girlfriend is very attentive to the needs of our new baby and I do what I can in terms of nappy changes and bathing but our boy is pretty good and only generally cries when he is hungry. My gf has a milk oversupply problem so she needs to empty her breasts each session or they get very hard and uncomfy for her.

I'm finding the change of dynamic in the sense that my gf is constantly preoccupied with the baby and nothing else very difficult to adjust to. I feel kind of useless and not needed in terms of looking after the baby as she likes to do most things herself although I do the odd changes, and help with bathing, and settling him where I can.

I hope that me doing this stuff and spending time with him improves the bond that I have with our baby but so far I feel its not working. Im finding fatherhood not very enjoyable as I feel like I've gained a son at the expense of any time, intimacy or attention that I used to enjoy from/with my partner. Ive read a lot of stuff online that says this is a common feeling for guys and that it passes but for some reason Im worried it won't. Im worried that I will feel affection starved for a very long time, and the fact that I am feeling this interferes with the enjoyment I should be experiencing at having a son.

My girlfriend and I constantly tell each other we love one another, although rather than just living in the moment I find myself just waiting and hanging out for when we can enjoy affection and a level of intimacy or romance again. And then I feel like Im being selfish because I feel this way which doesnt help either.

I've become a bit withdrawn from my gf and I find it more difficult to talk and communicate with her as time goes on, hopefully this passes and I get more used to and accustomed to the way things are.

I was wondering if anyone knows of any newborn dads support groups or something where dads sit around and talk about their experiences. I think it would be great to be able to talk to some other people in similar situations. I've looked online but cant really find any. I feel a bit cut off at present because I dont really have a bond with my new son, my gf is pretty much preoccupied with him and my beloved dog is still staying at my mums until my gf gets comfy with the baby at home so I dont even have my pooch to give me some company at the moment.

Any comments or advice appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.

D.

You poor bugger I feel for u and i hope my man doesn't feel like this
I'm just wondering have you tried talking to her? And maybe ask your girlfriend if she would like 20 mins alone and take bub for a walk in the pram or tell her you want a cuddle there isn't anything wrong with you sitting there a snuggle...
Have a look on face book and see if there are any dads groups on there I'm sure there are....
If your misses is having a over flow problem why not suggest she express some so that you can feed the little guy because u want to be more involved!!!
I can't see why she would be upset that her baby daddy wants to help!!!!!
I hope things work out for u and even though we are mostly women you can always share on here
Chin up you and bub will be fine specially when the fun part begins like when he wants to help dad fix things

Honestly get the dog home sooner than later to meet the baby, cook tea, do the washing and folding and everything to help, sex is probably out the window for another 4 weeks, helping with the baby maybe you can take him for a walk in the pram so she can have a shower or something,

baby is here to stay and are time consuming as you get to know them. there are some dads floating around here. Maybe you can get behind the camera andd take some more photos sort out the thankyou cards and tell your girlfriend you would like to help more what can you do??

Also don't suggest expressing so you can feed the baby there are better ways of bonding than expressing feeds for baby, bathing and cuddling,

my hubby used to lie on the couch with babies on his chest when they were little watching tv.

It's only been two weeks, relax!

You can expect your baby to not do much more than eat, sleep, cry and poo for the next 8 weeks or so and at the moment when he is awake he usually is only awake long enough to have a feed, burp and change, there is not much play time in there.

Have you spoken to your GF about how you feel? Maybe offer to do the burping and take turns with the changing and let her know you WANT to do this. She is probably thinking that you will be returning to work soon and she needs to be able to manage on her own.

She would probably love it if you could get dinner on or do the dishes or take the baby for a walk in the pram so she can catch up on things in particular sleep.

As for being intimate, you have at least another 4 week wait on that one - sorry to be the bearer of bad news lol and even then don't expect it as often as what you had pre-baby.

The dynamics of a household change when you have a baby. This little baby can be quite demanding and does take up a lot of time and mums have little time for themselves so at night when bubs is sleeping we like to catch up on the things we didn't have time to do, have a long shower, go to the toilet on our own, drink hot tea etc.

Just give it time. Around 12 weeks baby will be awake more and more responsive and you will have your time then, and usually around 10months they realise that Dad is FUN and mum will be a bit forgotten when you walk in the door at the end of the day.

So for now enjoy this time you have and find other ways to help smile

Congrats on becoming a Dad by the way.

I had far too much milk too. With the third one I ignored all the people saying not to express because it would get worse and just did it. Made it sooo much easier on me (it didn't make me produce too much as I'd just express again when I was full) and the bonus was that my husband was able to feed as well (with my milk from a bottle which was in plentiful supply in the freezer).
This helped him to feel a part of it. There is the issue with nipple confusion but I have never personally seen it tbh.

As for intimacy, it's only been two weeks. She is probably still REALLY sore! With my first, my partner pushed for intimacy too early and let's just say I still have problems 11 years down the track (broke the stitches).
Just be patient with her, please!

Anyway, you really need to talk to her and tell her everything you have expressed on here.
The pp that said maybe you could take bub for a walk on your own was a great idea. Other than that, cuddles! Babies can never have enough cuddles.
The early days can be tough when you are both trying to sort out the new dynamics.
It will get better over time mate and I'm sure you are going to be an awesome father!

Oh and do some housework.
She will LOVE that!

Hi Dylan, Congratulations on becoming a Dad! I somewhat know how you are feeling as the rolls were reversed for me in the first 2 weeks of my son being born. I was very sick in ICU so my Hubby got to board 24 hours in the maternity ward with our newborn. I felt alone as I only got 6 hours a day with my men and the rest of the time I was alone. I could see the bond they were forming and I was so proud of that and my new family but I was jealous, it wasn't what I had envisioned. However when we got home 3 weeks later I took over and what I would have given for my Hubby to do the dishes, laundry, run me a bath and take the baby. I thought I needed to catch up on being a good mother and I wore myself into the ground.

Gently push your partner into letting the reins go. Run the bath for her when you know she is about to finish a feed and let her hop in while you burp bub. Make some snack for her and get them out alongside a big glass of water when she sits down to feed as you wouldn't believe how hungry you get making all that milk. If she says she doesn't need help DO NOT sit in front of the TV or computer, look busy ask her if the baby's suits need a soak or strip the bed and put nice clean sheets on. I know these domestic tasks dont compare to holding your baby but your partner will notice and love you for it.

good advice I agree with skippy

After your gf has finished feeding bubby, you could offer to take the baby while she rests (and make sure she does just that, not try to do some housework lol) then you strip off your shirt and baby's clothes and cuddle. The skin to skin will help you both bond. Nothing better than a baby's soft skin smile

Edited to ask: Have you been there for the child and youth health nurse visits (or plunket if you happen to be in NZ)? Ask them about the support groups because there are dads groups. They're called different things in each state, so i cant help you with specifics.

It's really great that you are recognising these things and seeking support. As others have said, in these first couple of weeks (and possibly months), mum tends to do most of the baby care and we are really preoccupied with the baby - it's hormonal, as well as our way of trying to adjust and cope with the new addition!

A lot of these things will resolve over time, as long as you and your gf keep being open, honest and respectful of each other. Having a new baby is a huge adjustment. My hubby and I have a 9.5 month old and we certainly felt the way you are describing for quite some time, and just as we started to settle into a routine it all went and changed on us again!

Things you can do to help are take the baby for a walk without her, give baby a massage after his bath (and this has been proven to help babies sleep better!), offer your gf food/drink when she is feeding. I know these things aren't very exciting, but it will make her feel like you are there for her and appreciate the hard work she is putting in (and that will eventually translate into more intimacy and bonding between the two of you)

You could offer to give her a massage, brush her hair or do something sweet like that to help with your intimacy with her. I know sex is important for you male creatures, but she is not going to physically or emotionally be ready for that for a few more weeks at least, so look for opportunities to kiss, cuddle etc in the meantime.

I think you should share your feelings with her too, even show her this thread you have started so she knows that you are doing your best. When our little one was a newborn, I would go to bed at 7 every night, same time as her because I was so tired, but I compromised and started staying up an extra hour or two a couple of nights a week to spend time with hubby.

Unfortunately there are no quick fixes, it is something that takes time and patience. You may feel at times like you are alone or that all you do is "look after" her, but be assured she feels exactly the same way about the baby. Becoming a parent is the most challenging thing and I think for dad's the adjustment takes much longer. As your son grows, becomes more social and you both learn to relax you will start to feel like the Dad that you wanted to be

Totally agree with all the above posts. Let her know you want more part and ask her how you can help. Then just be as supportive as you can think of, run baths, give her a massage etc. Im sure by now you have already worked it out seeing as this post is 4 months old. Would eb interesting to hear how you went =)