How to broach something with DH nicely

My DH clearly thinks the world of DD and I. He talks about us constantly and his office is practically a shrine to us with all the photos. But when DH is home with us he doesn't seem to engage with us much.

He is a brilliant dad and when he is home he feeds, baths, dresses DD and does more than his share of cleaning and nappy changes. But he doesn't really play or talk to DD much. His idea of reading her a book is to put her in his lap with a book and then randomly turn the pages while he fiddles with his phone or laptop.

He has been like it since DD was born and I kind of didn't say much because it is quite hard to engage and have a conversation with a newborn, but DD is two now and wants to interact with everybody.

Yesterday I asked DH to play with DD while I did a big clean out of her room. I handmade playdoh in different colours and set up and area for them to play. I thought it would be easy for him if I gave him a structured activity to do with her. Ten minutes later she was under my feet and bored. When I went to see where DH was he hadn't even realised she had walked off because he was reading the paper!

He says he needs space for himself sometimes as he works hard, heck so do I so I get that. But how do I talk to him about it without him getting defensive?

in his defence, he feeds baths AND changes her!

mine does not!!!!

..and he barely looks at DS most of the time, hes completely indifferent if theres something on tele, the laptop or hes just got the paper. hes averagely generous when it comes to money BUT nothing else

ive found getting really p*ssed off and not cooking dinner and cleaning gets the message across, not healthy i know but for an hour or so after i have my mini breakdown hes quite attentive

then hes back to his normal emotionally selfish self

lets face it, only a few lucky women get fully attentive partners and males are like this at the best of times..

so my advice is go on strike with certain things... or have a cry, you know what hits his buttons best, use it to your advantage, im sure he does the same with you? if not openly then secretly he would

We have a rule in our house - no computer or using phones between when DH gets home (about 5.30pm) and when kids go to bed at 7pm. DH couldn't see it but whenever DD1 was being ignored cause I was doing the dishes, getting tea ready etc (lucky me!!) and DH was on the computer or his phone - that was exactly when she'd have a tantrum or just be plain rude. It was obvious to me but he couldn't see it, so every time she did it I would say - you're on the phone, wait til they're in bed. It seems to work for us.

I laughed when i read about him not even noticing she had wandered off. Not in a bad way, in the way that i totally relate! I cant even count the amount of times i have asked DH to do something with the girls while i fold laundry/clean their rooms/ just do something without their 'help' only for one of them to be right behind me in minutes.

A couple of weeks ago i mentioned to him about something i heard (always thought this anyway but nice to hear a doctor say it) that when a parent is willing to drop what they're doing to read the kids that book they're holding up or play dollshouse when they pat the floor it helps to build a trusting relationship and by the time they're teens you (should lol) have a pretty open communication with each other.

I think he heard what i was saying because he actually has been engaging with the girls lately. Its so nice to see.

My DH has taken our 18 month old to the park the last few days while I run around town madly trying to fit a days work into two hours each time lol. It's been great for both of them. DH has no distractions like the computer or phone (though I do say "leave your phone in the car please, this is DS's time with just you"), and it's finally got him to notice the cool stuff, like how DS is negotiating hills and running and stuff (hasn't been walking very long). And DH is getting to learn DS's little 'language' (can't say a word yet), so I don't have to constantly say "he wants his drink" etc etc.

So yeah, I say send them to the park!

Men and their toys!
My DP is a bit like that too. When he is 'watching' DS he is actually on the lap top and DS is on the floor shouting.

I found the only way to get my point across was telling it like it is... something like this 'when you are looking after DS I need you to actually engage with him so I don't feel like I need to step in. It is very stressful for me having to focus on so many things at once so please just put the computer/paper/etc away until later on?' Don't think I was that polite though wink

But in saying that I can't give DS 100% of my attention 100% of the day either. But its generally because I am doing housework/ school work rather than playing with my phone lol