Hi everyone,

Welcome to our new support thread for stepfamilies. We hope this becomes a supportive space where you can connect with other step-parents and share your your unique experiences as well as your encouragement.

Many thanks again for our on-going member suggestions, they add so much value and depth to our site smile]

Thanks!!!!!!!!!

Who else from Huggies is in a step family situation?

Hey, I am too. My DF has a seven year old daughter from his previous relationship. My DD is just over 8 months now.

I am! grin I'm a mum to my partners daughter who is now 3 1/2 been her mum since she 9 months old and we have given her two sisters 1 1/2 n 8 months smile

I am too!!

I am step mum to 2 boys that are 14 and & a girl that's 11 and together we have a daughter who's 11 months old tomorrow smile

Hi everyone, I am a step mum too, to two boys, aged 4 1/2 and 6. I have a daughter who is 16 months and another bub due at Christmas.

I will confess and say that I emailed the mods and asked if they could start this thread for us. I struggle to be a step parent and really hate it most of the time, but some times there are good times too.

I thought it would be good if there was somewhere we could go and chat, about the good times and the bad times. And to chat to people who understand where we are up to.

I also thought it would be good to get some thoughts on people who are the parent of the step child and also those who have been part of blended families.

Step parenting is not easy, and i hope that we can find some support here among each other.

Take care and I look forward to chatting to you all.

Cheers

Sue

I am in a stepfamily situation but I really only consider myself stepmum to my husbands youngest son as his other 2 children (girls, 20 & 21) choose not to like me. I have been married to my husband for 4 years now but we have been together for 7 years. We have a baby boy on the way (due in about 1 and a half months)and I am very conserned about how the girls will treat him as they are yet to even acknowlege my pregnancy. I am very angry and hurt by this but my husband just pretends that nothing is wrong. I feel very unsupported with regards to how they are alowed to treat me also.

Hi Moshe,

Congrats on your little bundle of joy. Being a step mum is never easy, and I don't know that there are any right words to say in your situation.

In some ways it is not a bad thing if you and the girls have made the decision not to deal with each other, and as for your DH not being supportive, I have to say I have found that to be the case with my partner when it comes to his boys. We have been together 4 years, and whenever there is a conflict surrounding his kids, he takes their side.

I don't know that it will ever change, it is something about them and their kids.

But that said, don't feel like you are alone out there. Us Huggies Step parents are here for you. We cannot solve your problems, but can be here to chat.

You never know what might happen, but maybe once your little man is here, the older girls might have a change of heart. It is very hard to ignore a beautiful little bub, and especially one that is your brother.

Take care and keep your chin up. Anytime you want to chat, we are here.

All the best....

hi,
I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over a year now and we have a 5mth daughter, i also have a 9yr son and my partner has 2 boys 14 and 12 to previous partners. what i am having issues with is the way my partners 12yrold is such a spoilt and rude little s****, i know thats not very nice but i dont know how to deal with him!!!!!I try talking to my partner but he doesnt see the problem, i just feel like i dont know where i stand in whetheri can discipline him as he is only ever rude to his father and i dont like the way he speaks to him as my son is picking up on it, dont know what to do, any suggestions?

Awesome thread! I have been with DH for 7 years now and initially his kids weren't in the picture at all because we lived in one place and they were in another. I was really young when we got together and I had no idea what I was in for. His boys are now 11 and 8 and we have spent so much time and money on family court trying to get access to them and it seems like such a waste because the mother disregards the orders. Grrrr......
We have a 26 month old and a 10 month old girl and another baby due in March and true to form, the ex has started causing problems for us again. I keep thinking, "Why me?" which is probably selfish but I am upset that every pregnancy gets ruined by having to go through family court or having family taking sides etc. Oh and I hear you on the way DH backs the kids over you. It is so demoralising and unfair!
Anyways, thanks for strating the thread. I don't have much of a chance to vent about the step parent thing and the few times I have posted about it in General I have been attacked by some members and made to feel like an awful person!

Posted by: ~Two*Tinkerbells~
Anyways, thanks for strating the thread. I don't have much of a chance to vent about the step parent thing and the few times I have posted about it in General I have been attacked by some members and made to feel like an awful person!

Hey, I totally get that bit! My step-daughter is hardly ever here so I don't really have much to talk about step-family wise lol and when I do need to vent people always jump on you like you're such a bad person and you need to grow up because they're just a child. Oh well.

When me and DF first got together he had her every weekend but he's changed jobs since then and doesn't get to see her as much cause he works weekends now.

Does anyone else find it hard having a step-child? I think part of it is I kinda forget DF has another child because I don't think about her really when she's not here so every now and then we just have an extra child in the house for a few days and she's always really rude to my DD!

Hi. Im step mum to my hubbys twin sons.
The were 4 when i got together with there dad and have been step mum for 4 years.
The 1st 2 years were tough as they didnt really know how to accept me.
Im more there friend then there step mumas they already have a mum.
They wouldnt admit they love me but they do!! lol.
We have now got 2 beautiful girls ourselves and the boys adore them.
They are always willing to help out with them.
I wanted to be with hubby so the boys were never an issue.
The boys are now 14 1/2.

Hi everyone, I am a step-mum to a now 8 year old boy. I have been in his life since he was 2 and a half and we have a wonderful relationship. It is his mum who doesn't seem to accept me as being a part of his life. He is a wonderful boy and a credit to those who have raised him, including his mum. It is such a hard job I think sometimes to be a step-parent.

Hi, my DH has 3 children from a previous marriage aged 19, 17 and 14. We have a DD together who is 14 weeks old. The older 3 have been living with us for about 12 months now. The eldest works full time and is very self sufficient but my SD who is 14 is a bit of a handful.
Without going into the details the kids were in a very unsafe and unstable environment, hence their relocation to us. As you can guess rules and boundaries were a non event and we have had fun and games trying to get them (the younger 2) to understand that you cannot just do what you want all the time. The younger SS did not want to abide by his father's rules and consequently moved out late one night to move in with his girlfriend and her family.
My SD was a self harmer (this behaviour has fortunately stopped) but she lies and wags school on a regular basis. We have tried the carrot and stick approach and also taking things away. She stops for a while but then the behaviour starts up again. When we try to talk to her she won't talk at all. I have spoken to the guidance counsellor at her school who suggested we get her professional help, so in the New Year we will be taking her to a child psychologist (that's if she will talk to them). Because of what she has been through we have tried to be really understanding as to why she acts this way, but I have had enough. She is also very immature for her age (she still likes the Kinder Surprise toys - the chocolate eggs that contain a toy) and speaks more like a child than a teenager.
My concern is that I don't want her influencing my DD, it is not too bad now as the baby is so little, but I can just imagine when DD gets older and starts seeing what I can only describe as unacceptable behaviour.
I was wondering if anyone else in a step family situation has any suggestions?

I'm a step Mum too (EVERY weekend) and I don't look forward to weekends as the weekend seems to just revolve around my 5.5yo step-daughter. She doesn't seem to like me, eventhough we got together when she was 2.5yo and seeks attention from her Dad all the time. She appears to like my nearly 2yo daughter (her half-sister) but seems oblivious to the fact that a new baby will be with us soon.

I treat her exactly the same as if she was mine, but she just glares at me often with a "look of distain", especially when her Dad isn't watching. Dad also thinks I pick on her, correcting speach, manners etc, but I have done exactly the same with my daughter.

Nonie

I'm a step Mum too (EVERY weekend) and I don't look forward to weekends as the weekend seems to just revolve around my 5.5yo step-daughter. She doesn't seem to like me, eventhough we got together when she was 2.5yo and seeks attention from her Dad all the time. She appears to like my nearly 2yo daughter (her half-sister) but seems oblivious to the fact that a new baby will be with us soon.

I treat her exactly the same as if she was mine, but she just glares at me often with a "look of distain", especially when her Dad isn't watching. Dad also thinks I pick on her, correcting speach, manners etc, but I have done exactly the same with my daughter.

Nonie

Posted by: Nonie 71
I treat her exactly the same as if she was mine, but she just glares at me often with a "look of distain", especially when her Dad isn't watching. Dad also thinks I pick on her, correcting speach, manners etc, but I have done exactly the same with my daughter.

Nonie

OMG I know how you feel! My stepsons do the same thing. DH used to tell me all the time I picked on them but I honestly treat them exactly the same as I do my own girls. I think he tells our girls off for things which he lets his sons get away with because he feels guilty they are not with him all the time but I am slowly getting him to see that this creates an unfair situation for our girls.

It backfired on him a few days ago when we took all the kids out to his father's farm on Dec 23. He was being strict with the girls and letting the boys run wild. Then he heard the older boy (11) saying the f word quite a bit. He pulled him up on it in the end and said he wasn't to use that language. Well he got the poopies on all day and even Christmas Eve was being a sook. After we dropped them home DH got a call from his ex saying we couldn't have them Christmas Day or Boxing Day anymore because he told them off and was mean to them. Now DH has to go back through court to get her breached etc and has realised he needs to firm with all the kids or they'll walk all over him.

Wow long post! Sorry about that but it is frustrating when you see your kids getting treated differently!

You know I just realised I could ask in here, especially as some of you have older stepkids you might be able to help!

My DD is 11 months now and my SD is 7yrs and lately she just reall doesn't like my DD. She's always calling her annoying and telling her to go away. When we had a get together at the in-laws on boxing day she was there and there was this one toy that Maddi loved so she kept turning it on (it had flashing lights etc) and thought it was funny when Maddi tried to get it then told her she was annoying and would push her away. I don't get why it suddenly would have changed!

She wasn't overly excited when we told her we were pregnant and she didn't really care when her dad told her I'd had our DD but she'd always shown an interest in her when she came around and wanted to play with her but lately it's very different.

I feel bad for my DD because she doesn't understand why she's always being pushed away. I told my DF he needs to talk to her to see if something's wrong, like if she's feeling left out etc because I'm 16 weeks pregnant and she doesn't know yet so if she is upset he has another baby and then she finds out we're having another one in a few months it could just make everything worse!

Hi one-bubba... I guess your username will be changing soon? Congrats! It sounds like jealousy to me. Also, do you think her mum might say things to her about you and your bubba? I know my DH's ex is a nasty person and says awful things about our kids and me - things such as they don't really belong to DH and they aren't really their sisters etc. Last time my stepsons came around the older one packed away all the pictures of our DD's and me and put them in a bottom drawer! He is 11 and I thought he would act a little more maturely but I think it is hard if people are saying things to them iykwim?
Ask DF to talk to her about it and say it's not nice to treat anyone that way let alone their little sister. Hopefully it helps!

I have been with my partner for six years. He has two girls 9 & 12 and we have our own daughter who is 2. The girls mother has moved three times which in turn means new uniforms for each new school they go to. And she has just sent us a list of prices for them both for new uniforms. I feel that we are paying child support (and it was her that has been moving everywhere once to follow a boyfriend and then that ended so moving again) so we shouldn't have to pay. Is that not what hild support is for? And in the 5 weeks that they are off shcool we have them for 3 1/2 does she need to be paying us child support?
Does anyone any advice or constructive comments?
Also i have the opportunity to go back to work full time will this effect how much child support we pay??

Hey ~Two*Tinkerbells~, thanks for your reply. I don't know if DF's ex says anything to her, if she does their daughter doesn't repeat it to us. But his ex was saying about how DF has been telling her (step-daughter) that her new boyfriend is going to be her new dad etc and I don't know where she got that from because quite honestly DF has not mentioned her new boyfriend ever. I was thinking if might be jealousy but it's only been for the past month and a bit and my DD is 11 and a half months so if it is that it's only just happened cause like I said she never had a problem earlier. DF definitely has to talk to her cause my DD's birthday party is in two weeks and I don't want her behaving like that then. Yeah I'm 17 weeks now, lucky I'm not showing too much otherwise we wouldn't be able to hide it lol.

And mother2one my DF's ex is moving about an hour away really soon to live with her boyfriend so that means my step-daughter will be changing schools and I can tell you now if she even thinks about sending us the bill for her uniforms or anything I'll just send it right back to her. If it was your DP that demanded they changed schools then fair enough but otherwise I wouldn't give her any money for it.
If you're having your 2 step-daughters for any ammount of time you're meant to let child support know and also if you're buying them heaps of stuff (clothes etc) you can let them know that too. You shouldn't have to pay her child support for the 3 weeks you had them. Well that's what they told my DF, if you're unsure get your DP to call them and see what they say. And to answer your last question lol your income shouldn't impact child support as far as I know. They're not your children so child support can't take money out of your wage for them. Your DP shouldn't even have to inform them that you've gone back to work. Hope I was some help!

Hi one-bubba
i did contact the Inland rev and they told me initaly my wages would not effect the child support however if the kids mother knew i was working full time she can ask for an inquiry to our total income and poss get more. Which of course if that happened i would stop working full stop. I will however keep receivts for the school department fees and for the clothes we have agreed to buy. Total of $200. We have said we will buy jersey, socks, and the shirts needed but at the sale price of the other cheeper department store that she didnt bother to look at and not a cent more.

Ps: sorry i meant to thank you for your comments its very helpful. Thanks to everyone who has commented and suggested things. Keep them coming!!

[Edited on 10/01/2009]

i dont know if your in nz or Aus but in nz it doesnt make any difference to child support in the sense that your income wont count but it may go up slightly as it will show one less dependant so the living allowance may go down, shouldnt make much of a difference though, also you dont hzave to pay all the extras unless you have an agreement to do it, and yes she needs to provide for them when in your care, you might have probs enforcing this one though as your partner may feel guilty with this.

hope some of this helps

Hi there,

My partner and I have been together for 12 months, have a 3 month together, i have a 10 year old from a previous relationhip (father not involved) and partner has 2 year old who we have custody of (BM has mental issues)we are awaiting another session of mediation to see about BM having visitation, BM lives in QLD and we live in NSW.

SS is goig through a major case of the terrible 2's and being a little sh*t and im not handling it very well its really bad as at the moment I dislike him for the things he is doing. One example is last night he strips off his nappy and pants, i walk in tell him not to do that - put him on the change table to put a new nappy on him and he spits in my face and laughs. I hate to admit it but i smacked him (i dont believe in smacking that you can talk it through) and he cried then hit me across the face and when i grabbed his hands and told him dont that it hurts to do that he spat again and laughed again. I put his nappy on him and put him to bed and toldhim i didnt want to see him until morning. well he came out of his room and i took him back into his room and yelled at him (i have a very loud voice at the best of times but when i scream i usually scare the bejesus out of anyone near) and he started crying and i just left him there wimpering. He eventually went to sleep but I felt really bad for all that had occured.

How do you get over the step parenting guilt.

Oh and the reason I was looking after him and DP wasnt was that at this time DP was down at the shops getting some groceries.
[Edited on 18/01/2009]

Hey Zoe,

Just reading the forums and came across yours, I am a stepmum to a 14yo SD, whom lives with us permanetly and we also have two beautiful little boys one is 2 and my other is 11mths. And you know what I don't think we ever get over the step parenting guilt, you just do the best you can and deal with the situation at hand the best you can. After reading your posts I don't blame you for how you reacted they push you to a limit, I probably would of done the same thing, I think sometimes we are even maybe a little softer on our stepkids cause you don't want to upset the dymanics of the house and your poor biological kiddies you can be tougher on.

What I am trying to say is don't punish yourself for what you did, I am sure anyone in the same situation would do the same thing, and hopefully he learnt his lesson and doesn't go to that extreme again.

Speaking from on stepmum to another, don't be hard on yourself its not easy brining up someone else's children and as I said before no can judge until they are in the same situation. HOpe things settled down you for you.

Hi all,

I've just found this thread and I'm really happy I have. I've been finding it really tough lately and its good seeing that I'm not the only one!

I have been with Dh for nearly 6 years and he has a a 7 year old daughter. His ex is an absolute bitch and has made out life a nightmare whenever possible. The unrealistic demands she used to put on us where so hard on our relationship, but we got through it. It didn't help that after we got together she decided she wanted him back and was trying to get back with him in every way possible! She stopped us seeing SD for months a few years back so we took her to court. Since then things improved because she couldn't keep changing her mind all of the time, but at christmas time she moved 2 hours away to live with her BF so we cant keep up with the court order now (we used to have SD from Thursday after school till monday morn) She's even complaining about having to meet half way!!

Because of the shit DH's ex puts on us I find that the tension increases dramatically when it comes to our contact weekend. I also find it hard going from a 'perfect' life with DH to having SD around. And she is so much like her mum that I sometimes cant see past it that she's not her mum, just has similar traits. I too tell her off for things like manners and talking like a baby, and heaps of other stuff that DH doesn't seem to mind, but it really frustrates me. I dont have any kids of my own but I believe that I would be the same to them.

I find it really hard because MIL and SIL always bitch and complain to DH about me, and say that I shouldn't tell SD off etc. I get so angry because she is in our house and its our rules. Just because I am not her biological mother doesnt mean I can't tell her off for not following rules! I used to get the "your not my mother, you cant tell me off" Because SD's mum used to tell her to say that, but we always just said 'our house our rules' Anyone can tell you off, not just your mum and dad. She soon got over that.

Lately I have been really struggling with my emotions and feeling bad because I have been reading other threads saying that you SHOULD love step children as if they are your own. But I just dont know if I feel I do. I spoke to DH the other night and he said that he doesn't see why I wouldn't. But its not that simple. Maybe if she was living with us full time then it might be different, but she flies in and out of our lives that its hard to get used to even after 6 years!

Anyway....I think I needed to get a bit of that off my chest again. Its been really playing on my mind lately. I dont think my hormones have been helping, but maybe once my child is born I might have a better understanding of it all. At the moment I dont have the emotional attachment to SD that Dh does so I just see a naughty kid (when shes being naughty) Where as I think Dh sees differently because of his emotional attachment....

Ah.....in some ways I wish I could go back to being a child and not having much to worry about!

At the moment I dont have the emotional attachment to SD that Dh does so I just see a naughty kid (when shes being naughty) Where as I think Dh sees differently because of his emotional attachment....

I so get that! We had SD here not this weekend just gone but the one before and it was cr@p! She never listens to anything we say, like literally just ignores us. We had tea at my mum's house the night she was leaving and she was bouncing this ball about in my mum's living room and my mum told her to stop cause she might break something and me, my DF and my mum again had to keep telling her till she finally stopped (my mum said she'd take the ball away which she listened too) and then she sat on the couch and whined she was bored. I don't know what her mum is doing but she has no manners at all. She was a pain at my DD's birthday party, she even whined that she didn't get to cut the cake.

We don't have her here often enough to make a difference to how she behaves and it drives me crazy! I'm tempted to tell her next time she's here that if she wants to stay she has to listen otherwise I'll call her mum. Does anyone have any tips on how to get her to behave? Like I said it's not just her rebelling against her dad or anything like that, she just does what she likes and when we actually make her do something she sulks because she didn't get her own way. I wouldn't mind if she sulked quietly but she sits there and whines like a 3yr old. She's almost 8! I don't know what to do but it makes things very tense here when she comes over because both me and my DF go crazy that we spend the whole weekend telling her off.

Oh no! Its so frustrating isn't it! We got so sick of SD and her attitude that it resulted in her being sent to the spare room for an hour at a time. Sounds harsh but it was the only thing that would work. We didn't yell or anything, just told her that what she was doing was inappropriate and that she needed to go to time out. In there she had to sit on a chair and not move a muscle. A couple of times we busted her playing with her hair or something so we added more time. At one stage she spent 3 hours in there because of the continuous extremely bad behaviour. This has since dramatically improved her behaviour as she absolutely dreads going in there. We had tried everything too, but this was the best outcome by far because it really worked for us!

hey, Yip count me in, my DF has a son who will be 9 this year, although we dont hv contact with him, I feel for him he has a beautiful sister who is 15 months, who he has never met