stuck on a merry go round

.well hi, I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years...he is an alcoholic. he always has been. I didnt see it.
Why didnt i see the signs?..when we first met he would always turn up with atleast a six pack..we went out on dates where there was alcohol..am i stupid?!!..I am his 4th relationship, the others left after a few years aswell. but they didnt have children to him. ok so how bad is he?...pretty damn bad, im living with my own real life jekyl and hyde. And it sux!...he drinks as soon as he can..always beer.. he leaves for work at 6am, with his little esky with a six pack in it..and i know for a fact he drinks from the moment he gets through town as my daughter was with him once and he cracked a beer..it was 7am..ive been to work with him..he drinks on the job..he drinks all day..he has lunch at the pubs, gets more at the drive thru on the way out and more on his way home...rarly he has come home pretty sober..but of course he wouldve had something..but then theres the times when he reeks of a brewery, has a strange look in his eye, a different tone in his voice that signals to us, "just dont answer back, do as your told,".
he becomes sarcastic, narky, snappy at kids, insinuates stuff towards me...and worse of all is he is an arseholoe to my eldest son from a previous relationship,(also have a daughter from previous relationship who he is fine with and also 4 together) calls him a *****, has yelled in his face, threatened to "knock him out"..and recently kicked him because he wouldnt answer him...I have got between my children and him before so he wouldnt hurt them and admit that recently i have told him that if he lays a hand on them i will knock him out, thats if he can get through me first...he laughs..Im not scared of him anymore..i used to be..but not anymore..In the past about 5 years ago he went through a really bad phase..he would shove me against the wall when i was pregnant and threaten to punch me..he has pushed me down a few times and this one night he held a beer bottle above my head and was threatining to hit me with it..with my kids right there, he then wanted my ring off my finger and was bending my finger saying he could snap it if he wanted to..he then yelled that i probably enjoyed the sexual assault i experienced as a child..well the cops were called, he had a dv order placed on him and i was leaving..then he promised to change, he cryed, he stopped drinking as much..i stayed.also by now he had 7 drink driving charges.
And now here i am..over the last 4 years he has had episodes of being psychotic, he has slowly got worse and im watching him get worse, i dont want to sleep with him, and now he acuses me of having an affair..im not like that.he is an arse to my son again, he is an arse in his words to me and is even jelous of me talking to friends on the phone and has accused me of "talking to my boyfriends"....we are talking about a one minute time frame of texting my friend about her sick son..unbelievable!...we walk on eggshells, i warn the kids if i know he is in a mood and tell them to just do as they are told and not fight or be silly..i find myself hoping he will just die... and that makes me hate myself for feeling that...I want to leave..but then theres the times when he has only had a couple o beers...and he is ok.( this is usually in the mornings).he is nice. loving.. nice with kids..etc..omg..how do i get off this bloody roundabout!? How do you look a resonably sober man in the eyes, when he is nice, and say " btw im leaving"..I just dont know what else to do..he loves his own kids, he loves me..or does he..or does he just "own" me as i cant talk to anyone else.....far out..someone please take me away

You need to read through your post love, actually read the words. You tell the kids not talk to him when he's in one of his moods, etc. This is no life for you, but especially for them. They deserve better. By staying you are teaching your children that they should accept people mistreating them, putting them down, abusing them - both physically and verbally. They need to know they are worth human beings who deserve to be treated well.

Big hugs sweetie that is indeed a awful situation to be my mum grew up with a alcoholic mum and dad my mum blocks a lot of her child out because of it.
I think the best thing for you is to leave I know it's easier said then done as there is the battered woman syndrome like your to scared to leave and think there is no support for you and no where to go etc, but there is so so so much help for you out there there is many organizations that will remove young the kids and put you into a womans refuge and help you get on on your feet and start afresh and even help with the legal type things.
With you being gone this ,ay help him clean his act up he may realize but not guarantee he will that it's his own actions that have brought all this on.
You need to think of your kids darl there the innocent parties in this and they need protection you need to something before it's too late he sounds like a ticking time bomb.
Best of luck darl you may have a long road ahead of you but there will be a end to that road and hopefully its just what you need take care wishing you the strength and courage.

You need to read through your post love, actually read the words. You tell the kids not talk to him when he's in one of his moods, etc. This is no life for you, but especially for them. They deserve better. By staying you are teaching your children that they should accept people mistreating them, putting them down, abusing them - both physically and verbally. They need to know they are worth human beings who deserve to be treated well.

i understand that...and i see that...but do you have any idea what its like...how do you leave with 6 kids...where do you go...how do you emotionally detach from the tears and begging of a man you said your vows to.....HOW DO YOU DO THAT!....how do you swallow the pain you feel of being responsible for hurting someone by leaving them...what if he gets worse and spirals into despair because i left...i have to wear that...i wouldve caused that....how do you live with that?!!

i understand that...and i see that...but do you have any idea what its like...how do you leave with 6 kids...where do you go...how do you emotionally detach from the tears and begging of a man you said your vows to.....HOW DO YOU DO THAT!....how do you swallow the pain you feel of being responsible for hurting someone by leaving them...what if he gets worse and spirals into despair because i left...i have to wear that...i wouldve caused that....how do you live with that?!!

Sweetie you have to put his feelings aside and think of yours and your kids your kids don't need a father like that how would you feel if your daughter married a man like this you would want her to leave him and kick his ass to the curb wouldn't you??
You sound like a sweet lady who doesn't want anyone to get hurt but your kids are hurting now walking on egg shells is not a way to spend your child hood, child hood is meant to be free and care free not full of anxiety Hun.
You need to put his feelings aside as he has brought this on himself he deserves the back fire of his actions he may even clean himself up as he will see life with out you and the kids.
Many people need a wake call and he seems like he dam well needs one

when my mum was leaving one of her partners we went to a womens shelter while he wasn't there one day and stayed there for a for a couple of months then they put us in a house through the shelter that we could stay at for as long as we needed until mum could get a housing house all up we were there for about 7 months mum had 5 kids at the time

somedays i just wish someone could come and just say "righto..lets go" and just take us away from it...or that one day he just wont come home..because then i wouldnt have to hurt someone by leaving. sad

I understand it would be very hard to leave, and your worried that you will hurt him and maybe he will get worse after you leave but what if you stay......you and your children are hurt on a daily basis...not always physically but emotionally, wondering if today will be a good or a bad day.

I think you need to start setting yourself a plan. call lifeline or a womens help line and ask what your options are. find out how you go about leaving and what help will be avaliable for you and your kids.

moneywise.....you will be entitled to centrelink payments, and they should be a decent amount with having 6 kids....you won't be living a life of luxery but you can start living a life of happiness and your kids will love you for it.

please start setting a plan tho.....maybe try and leave while he is at work....that way you have a clean break and he can't talk you out of it. This man needs a major wake up call....he is drinking his family away and thats not ok!!!

forget his feelings and put your flesh and blood first-your kids.
he sounds like he has broken the marriage vows more then can be counted, they obviously don't mean as much to him as they do you!

Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It took my mum 17 years to leave my dad, and when i was 14 she just up and left, we all went and stayed with one of her friends, life was tough for awhile, but it got better, slowly.
In the last year i have worked at a DV and Homlessness service, where they have houses for people in your such situation, The service had houses that they would rent out and they were furnished, nothing fancy, but all the essentials. The service has social workers who will help get funding and help with everything that you need. I am sure that there will be a service around that may be able to help, or even for you to go talk to to help you with your options. Most of the church services will be able to support in someway, or direct you to who is the best one to help you.
It takes courage and strength to get out, and even just to ask for help. I wish you all the luck. xx

Please, please get some help. I have watched my best friend go through the same thing as you for the last ten years. She has threatened to leave and promised others who care for her that she will leave. She never has. Her eldest son from a previous relationship is now under care from a psychiatrist. He went through the same things your son is going through. Her youngest son, the one they have together already has some disturbing behavioural problems.

I know it's hard but no child should have to live like this. You need to do something before your children are impacted for life. My friend has so many reasons for not leaving. Financially she would struggle, but they are struggling already with the amount of money he spends on alcohol. She is also worried about what will happen to him if she goes. I know you care about him but he is an adult and your responsibily is to your children.

You and your children deserve to be happy. Children need a predictable routine to thrive, what they don't need is to wonder every single day whether today is going to be a good day or a bad day. Please think of them, you might be able to put up with it but they shouldn't have to. I wish you all the luck in the world.

sorry your going through all this.
I'm going to be blunt, he probably won't change. My FIL is a alcoholic, has been for 30years, he was becoming that way when my MIL married him and she thought once we have kids he'll come right....nope, he still drank even once DH was born, she eventually left him - he wasn't an angry drunk, just a drunk. I've known him for 10years and I never ever saw him drink anything but beer - never water, coffee or anything, just beer.
He had been into rehab a few times but he would stay clean for a couple of months then right back on it, rehab doesn't work unless they want to change and can figure out the trigger for why they are drinking.
we also thought he would cut down once DS was born I mean hey you want to live as long as possible to see your grandkids right. Nope no chnage.
Now he has so many health problems and he's in a rest home due to alcoholic dementia.
Basically after my long winded story my point is -I think you need to leave, as hard as it will be I think its best for the kids, if he really wants to change he will once he realises that you aren't coming back then you can see where things go, he may get worse but that shouldn't be on your head, he's a grown man and should own up to his decisions.
you should be in a happy environment no somewhere where your walking on egg shells because you don't know how his mood is going to be.
As PP have said your GP will be able to help suggest womens refuges etc to help get you started, but I would do some investigating into centrelink/winz etc so you know what to expect when you do leave.
good luck.

somedays i just wish someone could come and just say "righto..lets go" and just take us away from it...or that one day he just wont come home..because then i wouldnt have to hurt someone by leaving. sad

That "someone" is you!! And you are hurting your children more by staying. YOU NEED TO PUT THEM AHEAD OF HIM AND YOURSELF