I'm sorry if this end up 400 pages long!
If you make it to the end of this post THANKYOU!

I'm just over it... it being DP.

I feel like he undermines everything I do, he is never happy/satisfied with anything, acts like a spoiled little kid, expects everything to go his way all the time and Heaven forbid it doesn't there are temper tantrums and sulking, he has very high expectations of how the children and I do things, and even higher expectations of how the house should look. he is constantly belittling and putting us down, and no matter how hard I try and tell him these things are wrong for him to be doing especially to the children, his constant reply is "Yeah well you do x", "I don't do any of those things" or (my personal favourite) "You're cracking it for no reason!"

I'm a pretty laid back person. I have learned to just go with the flow with him as no matter how much I fight it my opinion/ideas/thoughts/preferences/wants mean less than squat to him. It seems that his preference/choice etc trump mine regardless. He is the kind of person that when you say 'the sky is blue' he will disagree and say "no its turquoise!"
He never remembers anything, and I mean everything! I literally have to tell him things 6 or 7 times and even then he barely remembers, which becomes increasingly frustrating as since he never pays any attention to what I say to him he is constantly saying "What??" and I have to repeat myself another 5 times, and half the time he cuts me off with something totally irrelevant to the conversation, or starts paying attention to the TV and tunes out, so I stop mid sentence and he doesn't even realise! I am literally a broken record repeating every single thing I say 10 times. Often it gets to the point where I give up and say forget it!

The children are 3 and 5 and in his eyes never seem to do anything right. He absolutely adores them, there is no question about that, and they are his absolute pride and joy, but the way he speaks to them and puts them down is terrible. For example, I was tidying up my room today and asked DD1 if she could take some of the clothes and put them in the laundry. She agreed straight away and took them. DP went into the laundry 5 mins later and noticed DD had put the clothes into the washing machine. DP cracked it and yelled to her "Oh my God DD1 why did you put the dirty clothes in the washing machine! The clothes in there were clean! Now I have to wash them all again! Pay attention! It's not that hard!!!" She is 5 years old and thought outside the square and got into trouble for it! I told her to put it in the laundry and she thought ahead and tried to help and put them straight into the washing machine, and got shot down for it. I tried explaining this to him and he didn't care and kept going on about it. The clothes were worn,. not full of mud/dirt etc, the clothes underneath did not need to be washed again, but he disagreed.

So if he cracks it this badly about the clothes can you imagine the reaction he has over things that matter?!

The house has to be SPOTLESS otherwise he cracks it really badly, and gets in such a bad mood he puts his iPod in his ears and ignores us and cleans slamming things and not looking at us!! Now of course like most homes there are times when the house is a total mess... beds need making, dishes need putting away, dishwasher needs to be filled, washing folded etc, but it never EVER is filthy. I work up to 6 nights a week, often getting home at 1am, falling asleep by 2.30am and waking up at 5.45am to wake him up for work otherwise he sleeps thru his alarm. We do not sleep in the same bed as he snores extremely loud, and breathes very heavily which keeps me awake all night, so he sleeps on the couch or in DDs bedand DD sleeps with me. He refuses to go to a Dr about his snoring because "All quacks are overpaid idiots" so that's how the sleeping arrangements have been for well over a year now. So I have to get up out of bed, walk to the lounge and wake him up, then go back to bed until his alarm goes off again, then repeat the process... this happens 4 times, sometimes more. If I happen to sleep thru his alarm too he literally jumps out of bed, throws his work clothes on and runs out the door when the carpool arrives so often they are waiting for him!
So I get nearly 4 hours sleep a day, and work 6-10 hour length shifts depending on the day, and am expected to keep the house in 'Display Home' condition 24hours a day. Admittedly he does do alot of the housework as he only works 4 days a week, however I am constantly being told WHAT he has done regarding the housecleaning (as if he is trying to guilt trip me). He makes it out like all the kids and I do is make the house a mess as if we like like animals! As I said we all have days where the house is a mess, but messy and dirty are 2 different things! And in all honesty my house is pretty spotless most of the time because the kids and I avoid touching anything because of what he is like! A few weeks ago I had to start work early while DP was at work so my Mum came over to look after the kids, and brought over a heap of crafty things for them to do - coloured paper, kids scissors, new pencils, textas, glue, her laptop and printer so she could print off activities for them etc. DP got home at about 6pm, then I got home at 1am. I had to listen to him carry on for HOURS and again the next day about the fact my Mum had let the kids cut up little squares of paper to stick on their little posters, and that some were on the floor! A few weeks ago I cleaned out the kids wardrobe getting rid of clothes that don't fit them anymore, toys they have grown out of etc, and DP cracked it so much about the mess that he went to his parents house! I told him I had to pull all the stuff out to go thru it and weed it out, but he was so annoyed it was a mess while I was doing it that he went out so he didn't have to look at it!
He is constantly saying the house looks like a pig sty, whether it is spotless or not. I added up the other week how many hours I had to clean that week in order to do all the things he wanted done.... I alone cleaned for 35 hours over the course of the week, and he cleaned about 20 hours additional. Yes you read right, that is OVER 50 HOURS worth of cleaning a WEEK for a 12 square house!!!!!!!! We do NOT live like pigs, we have a very tidy home most of the time, yet it is not good enough. We can't do anything on the weekends until late arvo when its too late to do anything because "We have to clean first!!"
By the way he carries on it makes the house sound like it resembles a TIP but let me assure you it is far from it, to the point where I have considered that maybe he has OCD and not in a joking way! he has little interest in our finances, he does not know what I earn each each week, what bills are due or even what bills we have, he couldn't tell you who our gas or electricity company is! Yet is is obsessive about the housework!

He leave me list of things to do every day or calls and tells me things he wants done. And it's either do it or suffer his bad mood and belittling, and making me feel like I do nothing around here.

We only ever go the places he wants to do, only do the things he wants to do, only eat the foods he wants to eat, and if we don't then he is just so persistent and angry until he gets what he wants.

I feel like all I am is a convenience with him. Everything he wants he gets, and I have to cater for it all or Heaven help me with his moods! He constantly forge

i'm so angry after reading this! i want to physically slap him silly! you poor thing! if you were in adelaide you could come to my house and sleep. Just walk out for a few hours. You need time for yourself & it sounds like he needs to grow up! cook what you want, if he doesn't eat it let him go hungry!
don't let him fly off the handle for little things. he shouldn't be allowed to get away with that. If he insists on acting like a child- treat him like one. Let him sleep through his alarm. You can't be expected to do all that. Don't put up with it.

I read that and I just want to say I'm sorry and he does sound like a jerk. Is leaving him an option? It really doesn't sound like the happy life that you deserve sad

oh love i just want to start by giving you a great big hug!!!!!!!!


as someone who grew up living just with my mother and she was a severe sufferer of OCD i know how hard it can be. I have the pleasure of now inheriting the condition myself so i unfotunatly can see and understand what he seems to be experiecing aswell.
on the weekends my husband also complains because i like to get up and ensure the house is clean and in order before we do anything but it usually doesnt take any longer than an hour or two. most of the house cleaning i do myself as i am extrememly fussy in how it is done but i do allow hubby to do dishes and things aswell. although he doesnt do them how i like most of the time i tend to not say anything because i dont want him to feel the way you are. also when it comes to ds i really struggle with the idea of letting him just play and make a mess....... but this is my disease, i recognise it and so i have to loosen the reins and let him do it.
i think it may be beneficial for you and ur husband to sit down and seriously discuss the posibility he may have ocd. do a bit of reading about it and mayb even book in for a session with a phsycoligist to help diagnose it. if he is suffering from it he may find a massive weight has been lifted just by understanding it and why he feels the way he does at times.

ocd can not be to blame for all his behaviour and i think u need to sit down and seriously talk to him about how u are feeling and that u requesting a sleep in is not too much to ask and he should absolutly do it for you. sounds like he is overlooking you in alot of ways and u need to make sure ur voice and feelings are being heard.
i would also be very stern in making it clear to him that talking to the kids like that is not on..... its one thing to be like that with you (not that its ok with you either) but those children do not deserve that kind of critisism.

since he seems to find it so easy to take a step back and say its all too much mayb u should give him a taste of his own medicine. go to a friends place.... sit and have a coffee and some biccies and chat about everything non kids or housework related.

all the best

**GBH** Wow im gobsmacked after reading this. Seems like you and the kids are walking on eggshells..thats no way to live your life sad

GBH!!!
Is he an only child? it sounds like he is (not saying all only children are like this) but it sounds like he's been getting his way for a VERY long time.
I tend to agree with Steph0413 - cook what you want if he doesn't like it he can cook himself or starve, don't wake him up - he's a grown up he should be able to get to work on time all by himself.
And I guess your thinking but if I don't do those things then he cracks it, but to me it sounds like he does anyway so why shouldn't you be feed what you want and rested.
Since he won't sit down and talk about it all is there a way that you could go away for a bit with the kids so he's on his own for a bit - maybe just a week so he can see what it like to cook, clean and be responsible for yourself.

WOW. he either has a serious effing problem (ocd/or maybe chemical inbalance or something) or he is just a miserable, egocentric, childish excuse for a man.

you and your kids do not deserve this. not at all. he needs help, lots of help and unfortunately he will never find it if he does firstly admit that he has a problem. the fact that he doesn't care to listen to how you feel or even know you at all tells me that he is purely in this marriage for himself.

there is a saying that goes "when you smile the whole world smiles with you, but when you cry, you cry alone." this is no way to live. you are making all the sacrafices and him none.

i really want to say to you leave his sorry arse but i know it's not that easy. i guess you already know that life with him will be miserable, lonely and hard and you also have to think how will it affect your kids. life should be carefree, fun,magical not full of fear, worry and upset that their dad will blow a fuse any minuet.

good luck and i wish you all the best and remember that sometimes in life we need to look at the big picture...

HUGS

hey coco,

wow. sounds like you have a lot on your plate sad

From how you describe him it sounds like maybe something isn't quite right, I wonder if he is suffering from either ocd like you said or maybe even depression? I know it will be a mission trying to get him to see a dr about this (as they are 'quacks') but I think it might really help.

For the snoring issue - my DP also snores TERRIBLY. We use a mixture of nasal and throat sprays, sometimes a mouth strip. Have you tried these? They don't fix the problem completely but definitely make it better. It used to be a tense subject for us too, I found that once I made myself stop getting annoyed at him (was hard lol but I managed it) in the night and instead of waking him and telling him to roll over all grumpy I just gently rub his shoulder, initially asking him to please roll over and after a few nights he would just know to roll over when I rubbed his shoulder. SO he's well trained lol Not sure if this will work for you but it made it less of an issue for us smile

I also think he is taking you for granted. Does he ever say thank you when you carry out this ridiculous cleaning regime for him?

Sounds like he may have forgotten that kids will be kids and that doesn't happen in a sterile environment. He needs to look at the bigger picture here - like with the washing, like you I thought 'what a good 5 year old!' when I read that. So what if the washing was clean in there already. Only takes half an hour to do again. geeze.

Good luck with this guy. I'm not going to say leave him leave him leave him because I know its not that simple but its pretty clear he needs to adjust his behavior if you are going to be a happy couple.

Big hugs!!!!!!

Oh dear- Sounds like this man needs a wake up call. You need to do something drastic to get his attention, like packing yourself and the kids up and spending the night (or several)away from him- And tell him why you are leaving.
He seems like a controlling a-hole!

Men like this don't deserve lovely ladies like you in their lives! angry Stop letting him walk all over you. Stand up to him. He knows his behavior works in getting what he wants so he keeps doing it. Don't let him be the boss of everything. Be strong and tell yourself you deserve MUCH better than this. If he's smart enough he'll soon realise that his moods don't work anymore. Stay strong x

Wow! I only have a few words to describe him, controlling, ocd and domestic emotional abuser. Sorry if that sounds hard but by belittling you and your children, giving you lists, flying off the handle all the time he is creating a horrible environment for you and your kids. Is it possible you and the kids could go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks? It sounds like you have a great mum who loves the kids, that way you can get a good sleep after work every night. And it will show him that you are serious he needs to mend his ways.

Huge hugs to you. That is a lot to deal with.

Firstly, you have to know, that is not about you at all. Its all about him. You DO do a wonderful job, your house IS clean enough and you DO deserve to be heard.

My suggestion to you is to get some counselling for yourself. You also need to set some boundaries with him. He should get help too, but obviously thats not something you can make him do. What YOU can do, is let him know what you are and aren't prepared to do in the relationship. In terms of the kids, you are their protector. I know you tell him to stop speaking to them like that, but if he doesn't listen you need to remove them from the situation.
Whether that be for the afternoon, for a week or for 6 months.

At the moment, he has stuff going on. Whats happening is, he is using you and your little ones as an outlet. Whether its a power thing or security, or how he was parented - I wouldn't have a clue. However, he has no right to do that to any of you and you do not have to let him. If he cracks it because the house isn't clean enough - let him crack it. Tell him you and the kids will not be around him while he acts like that. Be cheery, put the kids in the car and go and do something fun. If it were me, I would not clean on purpose. The cleaning is not the issue. He can clean and clean, but it will not make his issues go away. What he is doing is thinking that the cleaning is the problem - although I suspect its lack of control. If everything is spotless he is in control of the situation. When others mess it up he loses it. He then slams you guys for messing it up, so he gets you cleaning which makes him feel in control and then he is settled again. By getting in and cleaning (for him) to that extreme standard, you are enabling him to do that. It would be different if you wanted the house that clean, but you said you are doing it specifically so he doesn't lose it. Which is wrong.

Have a look at this website and see if it rings true for you.
http://youarenotcrazy.com/

You need to be secure in yourself and know what your priorities are. You need to keep yourself and your kids safe. (and that includes from emotional abuse) you need to understand YOU are in total control of YOUR life. I am not saying leave him, by any means. I think first you need to speak to someone so you understand what is actually happening in this situation. You need to be honest with your partner in regards to where you stand. At the moment he has no reason to change anything as you are letting him and enabling him to treat you and your kids this way. I get from your post that you know its wrong and thats why its frustrating as you are doing all you can. Sometimes though, actions speak louder then words and maybe you and the kids should go on a little holiday by yourselves just so you can all have a little break from each other. What he is doing is wrong and you do not deserve to be treated that way. He deserves a chance to try and start healing whatever is going on with him and that won't happen while you bend to his will. He needs you to stand up and say no. He needs you to refuse to do what he tells you and he needs you to stop keeping the peace and stand up for you and your kids. Otherwise he won't take it to the next level so he can start helping himself. What will he do when you don't clean the house to show home standard? What will he do when you walk out of the room whenever he has a tantrum? What will he do when you flat out refuse to be around him when he is so angry?

Another thing is, its possible to be with someone and live seperately. Especially when dealing with something like this. It could give you both a chance to rethink stuff and work on yourselves. Either way you and the kids deserve a bit of normality. Nobody should have to tiptoe around another person in fear of them getting angry.

*Huge hugs.* Help is waiting for you. You just need to ask.
xxx

Thank you all for your honest and understanding replies. I really do appreciate it.
I do have to go to work now until possibly midnight, knowing work they will ask me to stay back, so I can't respond to some comments and questions right now, but I will when I get home. I didn't want anyone to think I didn't care about replying, or didn't appreciate the replies you all left.

Thank you. X

wow what a miserable life... sad not even a life! it's an existence.

you basically have two choices , one to bring your kids up like this scared to play with anything or "B" live your life, everyones house can be a bomb site, and when you have kids that just the way it is..... stop cleaning he is doing enough, take the kids out to play somewhere instead of cleaning at home.

I am not sure how to fix him, maybe he needs to talk to someone or maybe you talk to your mum and go stay with your mum for a bit

if he walks out when you try to talk to him- follow him.

I'm really sad to read your post, its so awful how he is treating you and your precious innocent children. As an adult you can see what is going on...and yet you are still doing all you can to placate him and avoid conflict... your children cannot understand and bear the brunt of his emotional abuse, this is impacting them in a huge way and writing on the pages of who they are.

A father is one of the most significant people in your life, if he makes you feel that you are never good enough, that you are always wrong, that you are bad, that you are stupid... that cuts deep and will affect your children greatly.

I dont say this lightly... relationships are complex and I truly believe children need both parents, but this relationship is toxic and abusive and I could not have my children being treated like this, let alone myself. It is so destructive and demoralising.

You and your children deserve better and for me unless he recognised his behaviour and how wrong it is and was willing to change... I would have to leave.

Life is too short, children are too precious... be strong and do what is right for you and your kids, dont take this anymore.

xox

What will he do if you refuse? Are you scared of him? Or is it just that he is so unpleasant to be around?

There are so many parallels with your story and my ex, he was not so much obsessed about the cleaning as your dp but his standards were ridiculous and I felt that I lived to please him and constantly walked on egg shells in fear of upsetting him. We slept separately him on the couch due to his snoring and it was my fault if he didn't wake up to his alarm, nothing I cooked was good enough, it was like trying to please the unpleasable...impossible. In the end I left him. I realised he was never going to change.

I wish u all the best in figuring out the best way of dealing with the situation your in. Its not a nice feeling to be shot down when you are putting so much effort in, it certainly takes a toll on you. Thinking of you xx

I didnt want too reply and make this thread about ME but reading your post was like we are living the same life i can relate to so much that you have written. Firstly great big hugs too you because i know how hard it is to be constanly underminded all the time.
Dh expects our house too look like a display home if there is one thing out of place or something is up too scratch it means im a pig and WE live like pigs. Unlike your DH though my Dh does not contribute too any house hold duties what so over. No cleaning, washing, dishes, cooking, NOTHING! Yet everything is expected to be PERFECT.. and god forbid if i actually ask for a hand, hes worked all day right?! What a life hey clocking on at 7 and knocking off at 4! He works and its MY duty too look after the house and our two children. We two spent the last 8 months in seperate rooms, except i was on the couch as he was too selfish too give up OUR bed. Our youngest had major reflux issues and would not sleep more than 1.5 hours during the night which affected DH sleep. I vaccum twice a day and mop the floors, dishes, washing, dusting, benches, bathrooms, bedsmade, toys up ect EVERYDAY all why looking after a 2 year old and 10months old, making sure their needs are meet and spending quailty time with both of them.. there is breakfast, snacks, bottles, lunches all too me made too.. yet my life must be so fab sitting on the couch all day with a cuppa.. ? I even cook dinner with a 10month old climbing me because DH is sitting infront of the TV afterwork.. relaxing time!! Oh but i could start dinner when our youngest is having his afternoon nap, but then dinner would be TO EARLY for DH and eating it later wouldnt be a friggin option as DH hates eating reheated food! i really cant win! oh god i can fell my blood boiling writting this. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I shall stop now hehe. hmm have wasted too much time.. when i should be CLEANING sad
Old member hidding behind a new account, i guess im embarrased to admit the life i live too those who know me on here.

I didnt want too reply and make this thread about ME but reading your post was like we are living the same life i can relate to so much that you have written. Firstly great big hugs too you because i know how hard it is to be constanly underminded all the time.
Dh expects our house too look like a display home if there is one thing out of place or something is up too scratch it means im a pig and WE live like pigs. Unlike your DH though my Dh does not contribute too any house hold duties what so over. No cleaning, washing, dishes, cooking, NOTHING! Yet everything is expected to be PERFECT.. and god forbid if i actually ask for a hand, hes worked all day right?! What a life hey clocking on at 7 and knocking off at 4! He works and its MY duty too look after the house and our two children. We two spent the last 8 months in seperate rooms, except i was on the couch as he was too selfish too give up OUR bed. Our youngest had major reflux issues and would not sleep more than 1.5 hours during the night which affected DH sleep. I vaccum twice a day and mop the floors, dishes, washing, dusting, benches, bathrooms, bedsmade, toys up ect EVERYDAY all why looking after a 2 year old and 10months old, making sure their needs are meet and spending quailty time with both of them.. there is breakfast, snacks, bottles, lunches all too me made too.. yet my life must be so fab sitting on the couch all day with a cuppa.. ? I even cook dinner with a 10month old climbing me because DH is sitting infront of the TV afterwork.. relaxing time!! Oh but i could start dinner when our youngest is having his afternoon nap, but then dinner would be TO EARLY for DH and eating it later wouldnt be a friggin option as DH hates eating reheated food! i really cant win! oh god i can fell my blood boiling writting this. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I shall stop now hehe. hmm have wasted too much time.. when i should be CLEANING sad
Old member hidding behind a new account, i guess im embarrased to admit the life i live too those who know me on here.

I could repost my earlier one for you as well... what a way to live and I'm so sorry this is what is going on.

People treat you how you let them... he's getting away with this because you accept it and let him. Stand up for yourself.

Thank you all once again for your honest responses. I really do appreciate every single one of them.

In response to some questions and comments in the replies left, yes I very well could leave him, and believe me I know I'd be justified in doing so not only due to what I've mentioned in the post, but he is my Children's father and will always be a part of my life one way or another, so it would not solve any of the reasons or issues of why he is the way he is - If we did split, the kids would still go and stay with him every 2nd weekend or so and he would be the exact same way with them. I will sit down with him tomorrow as it is the only day for the next week that I can speak to him while the kids won't be here as they'll be in childcare. Something definitely needs to change, but I just feel like I've tried it so many times already that I'm just setting myself up for another frustrating yelling match that ends up being all about me and my faults, and him not taking it seriously due to me "over reactive over something so small" I will try though and perhaps I do need to come up with an ultimatum (although I've tried this also too and even left for a few days but he just saw it as "she'll get over it" and didn't take it seriously) He is extremely stubborn, so i could leave for a year and he would still think that I would just get over it and be back, and continue to see it as me 'over reacting'.

But I wold rather try and deal with the problems rather than just walking away. He was so different when we met, and only over the last couple of years has he been this way. He used to be so different. And often I have to remind myself that the person I met and who he is now is the same person... often it feels so different to how it used to be I think of the person he was for the first couple of years was someone else if that makes sense.

I do go to counseling on my own, and have mentioned to him that it would be helpful if he came along, but he doesn't want to go of course, but I will continue to ask him.

Also, no he is not an only child. He is the 2nd child of 5.

And no, I am not scared of him, I just do the things he wants so he isn't so unbearable to be around.

I guess after reading my own post what I feel most frustrated with is that EVERYTHING is always about him. I call it his 'terms and conditions'. He has to have everything a certain way... HIS way, even down to only eating a certain brand of bread and cracks it if it's sold out at he bakery! It can't be just any white bread, no its got to be THAT white bread. Can't get meat from the supermarket or any butcher, it has to come from a CERTAIN butcher. HAS to have DVD's and video games the DAY they are released because he just "has to", won't make phone calls to places he doesn't know (even the fish and chip shop!), DD had a dentist appointment and he wouldn't take her (I was working) because he didn't want to and she has had to wait 3 months for the next appointment, expects me to go to the shops with both the kids to get him a game, or a dvd, or milk, or hair mousse, but would never do the same thing with the kids if I asked (but would I expect him to in the first place!), he has silly reasons of why the kids can't do things... can't play dress ups because "they don't need to", DD wanted some watermelon at lunch time yesterday and he said to her "eat all your food or you don't get anything else!" yet it was fish and chips for lunch! I made a salad and she had eaten all her salad, and most of her food, big deal if she didn't want to eat more junk and wanted fruit! We were only eating fish and chips because that's what HE wanted! If it was something healthy and she didn't want to eat it yes I would have said the same thing and tried to coax her to eat some more, but it was fish and chips! And she wasn't asking for ice cream or chocolate, it was FRUIT! I said to him its junk food and she wants fruit, be happy she would prefer watermelon over oily foods! And his reply was "she needs to finish her lunch!" So I stepped in and told her she could leave the table if she was finished and I would call her when the watermelon was ready.

I'm just really over his stupid reasons and impossible expectations. He tells the kids to "have some common sense, its not that hard!" but they are 3 and 5 years old! He cracks it at our dog for barking at the cat, or leaving his bones and toys around the backyard, but he is a dog! It's what he is supposed to do! He cracks it at the dog when he cries when its raining, yelling at him and tying him up to a pergola post on his lead because he's crying at the door. He's a little dog who doesn't have a kennel, just a bed under the verandah, I've told him to let me get him a kennel so he can feel safe when it's raining but once again his reply is "he's just a sook, he doesn't need it!"

It's always about him... so long as he gets his way then that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants, as long as he is happy because in his mind this is the way it should be. He never compromises and never thinks or says 'Coco and the kids want to go to the Zoo, I don't really want to but I know the kids would love it, and I know it will make them all happy so we can go. Even though I don't want to go, I know it will make them happy so I'm happy to give in." No, its just 'well I don't want to go there! I want to stay home, so we aren't going anywhere!'

I'm tired of being the one who always have to fold and give in.

I will take the advise of a few of your replies and not clean this week. I am working 8 days straight this week, and I don't have the time or energy to be cleaning for 30 hours! I'm going to start saying "Bad Luck" to him more often. I've told him a million times I'm not a maid, and I think it's time I show him I mean business. As a member said, whether I clean or not he cracks it anyway, right?!

I feel like he is a child. Like I have 3 kids, not 2. He should be the head of the household, not a whiny little child. And I've told him this countless times.

I will mull all of this over today and tonight at work and come up with a good plan of what to discuss with him tomorrow. You are all right, if he is not going to listen to me, I need to make myself heard and tell him things need to change, and I will try and convince him to go to the Dr about his possible OCD.

Thank you again for reading

If he always tells you that you are 'over reacting' whenever you try to talk to him about something important- tell him the same thing- he is 'over reacting' about the house work all the time- its not dirty!!

As a ultimatum pack his bag and park it at the door. If hes not going to listen tell him to pick up his bag and use the exit until hes willing to listen and make some changes hes to live else where.

Emotional abuse is just as bad a physical advise and he is abusing you and the kids. This will be taking a toll on your kids and they will remember this, and the last thing you need is them to mirror their dads actions when they get older.

I wish you all the luck in the world dealing with him.

also write down your bullet points so when you discuss it with him he can see you've thought about it enough to write it down so its not just you going off on a whim IYKWIM.

OMG Coco, I could have written this post, minus the cleaning OCD thing ! That was what my XH was like. Emotionally abusive towards me, puts the kids down at every chance he got, snoring, although I had ear plugs, and went to bed first, so I could get to sleep before he did. Everything was whatever HE wanted, nothing about what I wanted in life for the house or whatever it was. I was just considered his bank, and I felt like a door mat 90% of the time. I didn't feel like a wife, I was just there, looking after the house, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, and buying his crap for whatever it was that he had a hobby in, cars, remote control cars, wheels, paints, whatever it was OMG. Never did anything as a family, always his choices in foods and/or restaurants. Ekk. I am getting mad just thinking about it.

Anyway that was 3 years ago that I decided enough was enough, I still don't think he understands why I left, but pfftt, I told him enough times, and I was sick of explaining myself to him 100 times over. I was sick of putting him down 100 times over when I explained what was wrong in the family. He didn't get it, still I don't think does !. Anyway I know I am much happier for it, I don't have to tread of those eggshells and be treated like a piece of poop every day of my life. I am much more appreciated within my life now, and the kids and I are alot happier. At least I know I am a better mother for them now, because I was in a foul mood cos of him when he was around me, the kids copped my mood alot of the time. for the kids - they know what to say and do around him, he has them trained. Yes I feel very bad they still have to deal with him, but how can I stop that ? They will one day draw their one conclusion on things.

I feel for your Coco and feel bad he is treating his family so crappy. You either need to snap him out of it, or it will just simply get worse, and it will be actually harder for you to get out of, because he will be so used to you not complaining, that he will forget what it was like, and he will want to know what you are suddenly bringing all this up now ? My XH was like that, all innocent, I haven't done anything wrong, it is all you blah blah blah ! Whatever ! Gahhh ! Glad he is someone else's problem now haha.

Thank you all once again for your honest responses. I really do appreciate every single one of them.

In response to some questions and comments in the replies left, yes I very well could leave him, and believe me I know I'd be justified in doing so not only due to what I've mentioned in the post, but he is my Children's father and will always be a part of my life one way or another, so it would not solve any of the reasons or issues of why he is the way he is - If we did split, the kids would still go and stay with him every 2nd weekend or so and he would be the exact same way with them. I will sit down with him tomorrow as it is the only day for the next week that I can speak to him while the kids won't be here as they'll be in childcare. Something definitely needs to change, but I just feel like I've tried it so many times already that I'm just setting myself up for another frustrating yelling match that ends up being all about me and my faults, and him not taking it seriously due to me "over reactive over something so small" I will try though and perhaps I do need to come up with an ultimatum (although I've tried this also too and even left for a few days but he just saw it as "she'll get over it" and didn't take it seriously) He is extremely stubborn, so i could leave for a year and he would still think that I would just get over it and be back, and continue to see it as me 'over reacting'.

But I wold rather try and deal with the problems rather than just walking away. He was so different when we met, and only over the last couple of years has he been this way. He used to be so different. And often I have to remind myself that the person I met and who he is now is the same person... often it feels so different to how it used to be I think of the person he was for the first couple of years was someone else if that makes sense.

I do go to counseling on my own, and have mentioned to him that it would be helpful if he came along, but he doesn't want to go of course, but I will continue to ask him.

Also, no he is not an only child. He is the 2nd child of 5.

And no, I am not scared of him, I just do the things he wants so he isn't so unbearable to be around.

I guess after reading my own post what I feel most frustrated with is that EVERYTHING is always about him. I call it his 'terms and conditions'. He has to have everything a certain way... HIS way, even down to only eating a certain brand of bread and cracks it if it's sold out at he bakery! It can't be just any white bread, no its got to be THAT white bread. Can't get meat from the supermarket or any butcher, it has to come from a CERTAIN butcher. HAS to have DVD's and video games the DAY they are released because he just "has to", won't make phone calls to places he doesn't know (even the fish and chip shop!), DD had a dentist appointment and he wouldn't take her (I was working) because he didn't want to and she has had to wait 3 months for the next appointment, expects me to go to the shops with both the kids to get him a game, or a dvd, or milk, or hair mousse, but would never do the same thing with the kids if I asked (but would I expect him to in the first place!), he has silly reasons of why the kids can't do things... can't play dress ups because "they don't need to", DD wanted some watermelon at lunch time yesterday and he said to her "eat all your food or you don't get anything else!" yet it was fish and chips for lunch! I made a salad and she had eaten all her salad, and most of her food, big deal if she didn't want to eat more junk and wanted fruit! We were only eating fish and chips because that's what HE wanted! If it was something healthy and she didn't want to eat it yes I would have said the same thing and tried to coax her to eat some more, but it was fish and chips! And she wasn't asking for ice cream or chocolate, it was FRUIT! I said to him its junk food and she wants fruit, be happy she would prefer watermelon over oily foods! And his reply was "she needs to finish her lunch!" So I stepped in and told her she could leave the table if she was finished and I would call her when the watermelon was ready.

I'm just really over his stupid reasons and impossible expectations. He tells the kids to "have some common sense, its not that hard!" but they are 3 and 5 years old! He cracks it at our dog for barking at the cat, or leaving his bones and toys around the backyard, but he is a dog! It's what he is supposed to do! He cracks it at the dog when he cries when its raining, yelling at him and tying him up to a pergola post on his lead because he's crying at the door. He's a little dog who doesn't have a kennel, just a bed under the verandah, I've told him to let me get him a kennel so he can feel safe when it's raining but once again his reply is "he's just a sook, he doesn't need it!"

It's always about him... so long as he gets his way then that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants, as long as he is happy because in his mind this is the way it should be. He never compromises and never thinks or says 'Coco and the kids want to go to the Zoo, I don't really want to but I know the kids would love it, and I know it will make them all happy so we can go. Even though I don't want to go, I know it will make them happy so I'm happy to give in." No, its just 'well I don't want to go there! I want to stay home, so we aren't going anywhere!'

I'm tired of being the one who always have to fold and give in.

I will take the advise of a few of your replies and not clean this week. I am working 8 days straight this week, and I don't have the time or energy to be cleaning for 30 hours! I'm going to start saying "Bad Luck" to him more often. I've told him a million times I'm not a maid, and I think it's time I show him I mean business. As a member said, whether I clean or not he cracks it anyway, right?!

I feel like he is a child. Like I have 3 kids, not 2. He should be the head of the household, not a whiny little child. And I've told him this countless times.

I will mull all of this over today and tonight at work and come up with a good plan of what to discuss with him tomorrow. You are all right, if he is not going to listen to me, I need to make myself heard and tell him things need to change, and I will try and convince him to go to the Dr about his possible OCD.

Thank you again for reading

hi just reading what you said about the dog and the rain and am really annoyed, its actually a law that you have to provide a dry place for your dog to sleep, it needs to have a kennel, if you don't get him one you are just as guilty as your husband is by not standing up to him and getting one.

You are allowing yourself to be in the situation however your children and you dog have not asked to be in a house like this.

You need to get him to a doctor and get him on some meds or something, or relaxing around the house, maybe do a clean up when the kids are in bed. but for goodness sakes get the dog a kennel, or give it away to someone who will get it a kennel

hi just reading what you said about the dog and the rain and am really annoyed, its actually a law that you have to provide a dry place for your dog to sleep, it needs to have a kennel, if you don't get him one you are just as guilty as your husband is by not standing up to him and getting one.

You are allowing yourself to be in the situation however your children and you dog have not asked to be in a house like this.

You need to get him to a doctor and get him on some meds or something, or relaxing around the house, maybe do a clean up when the kids are in bed. but for goodness sakes get the dog a kennel, or give it away to someone who will get it a kennel

Ease up on the poor woman for crying out loud. The dog DOES have a dry place to shelter - the patio ! WITH a bed !! So it is dry and comfortable. Gees !!

He cracks it at the dog when he cries when its raining, yelling at him and tying him up to a pergola post on his lead because he's crying at the door. He's a little dog who doesn't have a kennel, just a bed under the verandah, I've told him to let me get him a kennel so he can feel safe when it's raining but once again his reply is "he's just a sook, he doesn't need it!"

You're a grown woman, who works and earns money - you don't need anyone’s "permission" to buy your dog a kennel. In a marriage no one "allows" the other person to do things.

Coco, why don't you leave him? Yes he is the father of your children, but he is sucking your life out of you. You will become nothing but an empty shell and will get more and more isolated from your family and friends. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Yes if you leave him your kids will still have to see him - but at least they will get some respite! And I don't think any judge, in their right mind, would allow them to spend too much time with him given the emotional and verbal abuse they are subjected to - because that's what it is. Maybe he wasn't different when you first met? Maybe he's always been like this and the other persona was an act - have you considered that possibility.
What are you afraid of? The usual things? That you won't find anyone else, that no one will ever love you? Is it really better to stay miserable for the rest of your life than to take a chance and possibly find someone who will love you and respect you? Anything would be better than what you're putting up with at the moment – even being alone.

Hi Coco..I have just read every post and I feel really sad for you. How long have you been with him? I noticed that you said that he wasnt always like this and has just become this way....did anything happen inhis life? Like I mean drastic stuff that could really badly affect someone? Im not going to tell you to leave....but, its a pretty sucky situation at the mo...I commend you for trying to work things out. Good luck with chatting to him....please let us know how you go.
Hugs...
:0)

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but I don't have time to sugar coat it, hunny as someone else has already said this is called emotional abuse. You have a responsibility to protect your children so please don't tolerate and tolerate just because he is their father. You sound like a smart chick, you know this is not ok obviously by your post. I hope you get through to him and can work through it if that's what you choose to do. By the sounds of it he is going to need more than a talk if he hasn't taken your talks seriously ever before. I truly wish you the best with this, you deserve to be treated like a queen, it is also true what others said that you teach people how to treat you and if you tolerate it he will keep doing it. Good luck coco x