No need to reply, i just had to get it off my chest before i explode!

Ive been having issues with my MIL since before my DD was born.
She is a manipulative, lying cow and i'm at my wits end. We haven't spoken in nearly 2 years.

ANYTHING that is said to her is twisted and used against me - her latest, a mutual friend saw me shopping with my mum recently, she mentioned to MIL that she saw us christmas shopping and how cute is DD etc.
MIL turned that into - I was baby shopping with my mum and she knows the sex of the baby and we won't tell her, how dare i tell MY mum and not tell her.
1. We were not baby shopping
2. NO ONE besides DH & I know the sex of the baby
3. If i want to tell MY mum, i will!

She also told another mutual friend that we will not let her see DD and she has a whole room full of gifts that we will not let her give DD. She also told various friends that she wasnt invited to DD's birthday party, she was she chose not to come. Ive been abused my family members for not letting MIL see DD.

We have never had a phone call from her asking to see DD, the only times she has seen DD are at family gatherings or when DH has organised taking DD to their house.

I just don't know what to do anymore, Ive tried my hardest to ignore her comments, ive tried shutting down all lines of information between us and her so she cant manipulate information. We've tried confronting her.
If we confront her, she flat out denies all allegations - we have even had the people shes told back us up and she STILL denies everything. DH's entire family has wiped me, as i asked them to stop sharing information about me with her.

Ive told DH until she stops lying, she will not be seeing DD at all. I'm concerned as DD gets older that she is going to start telling her lies about why we dont see them. It might seem mean, but i'm out of ideas!

Sorry for what you are going through love, you don't need the stress especially when pregnant. I think you have every right to cut her off given whe lies she seems to tell. Having said that though, if that is what you choose you need to find some way to let it go so it doesn't eat you up inside!

You really don't need this stress.

My MIL is a royal pain and it took hubby a year to finally agree with me that she lies to us. He caught her out in one of her lies and he didn't talk to her for 2 weeks for it. She still in our lives but since she doesn't live with us anymore, we don't tell her things anymore and she doesn't know what we doing everyday.

For your MIL i totally agree that she kept away from your kids but leave the door open when you think it fine for her to be in your kids lives. Plus don't let what people saying to you upset, you know the truth and that all it really matters.

Your DH needs to put his mother in her place and tell her to stop telling lies and turning family against each other because of what she has said and done.

Thanks Ladies : )
Sometimes it doesnt get to me, other times i want to wring her neck!
DH is pretty supportive, it sometimes takes him a while to realise that yes she is lying again. I feel awful for him, i'd be upset if my parents didnt bother with DD and then told everyone we wouldnt let them see her.

Everytime i think, maybe we should try and make amends she does something else that makes me think no.

I just wish it would stop!

Thanks Ladies : )
Sometimes it doesnt get to me, other times i want to wring her neck!
DH is pretty supportive, it sometimes takes him a while to realise that yes she is lying again. I feel awful for him, i'd be upset if my parents didnt bother with DD and then told everyone we wouldnt let them see her.

Everytime i think, maybe we should try and make amends she does something else that makes me think no.

I just wish it would stop!

My mum is like that never bothers to catch up with us then tells everyone that I won't let her see the boys! on the odd occasion she has turned up and DH is home he usually says hi then goes and does something else she then tells everyone he was so rude he wouldn't even say hi or let her in!!!

I don't let it get to me now I live my life my way and if she tells people lies than so be it I know the truth and if the people she is telling believe her than they are not worth my time either!!!
as for the kids I don't say anything bad to them and I don't give her the chance to say anything bad to them either, later on in life Im hoping they will appreciate the family who do love and care for us!!

Your DH needs to put his mother in her place and tell her to stop telling lies and turning family against each other because of what she has said and done.
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i agree with the above statement....your husband needs to put her in place. my husband did, so did I, but he was there to support me. my MIL actually goes out of her way to be nice to me, because knows, she can no longer stand all over me.
it's not a nice situation to be in, good luck

Sounds like we have the same MIL. We're going through the exact same thing with ours, no advice really. Some people are just toxic

Sounds like you are in a bad situation, she sounds like she's beyond help really - if your DH has a talk to her she'll prob only twist it into something its not and make things worse for you.
Seriously aren't families so stressful? If it were me I would just continue to ignore her crap, and be polite but cold when I saw her and not rise to any of her s*** smile

I find the whole jealousy between family members really weird. My MIL is very jealous of my mum as well because I am closer with my mum than I am with her but Hello what does she expect?! The worst thing is you should hear her go on about her daughters MIL not respecting boundaries and being too pushy but she can't see its the same situation? grrrr.

OMG! I feel your pain...so much so that I feel compelled to vent in my first ever post!

We have issues too with in-laws (DH's parents) Last week they were out shopping with 10 mth old DS and (without planning to) they saw santa and took a photo of DS and Santa.....his FIRST Santa photo!

It wasn't planned I know that, but I said this upset us and there are some things that DH and I want to do with DS first so please don't do them. So FIL tells me that I'm being too precious, that i need to get over it and that he will do what he likes. Then he said his rules or he won't have anything to do with us and stormed out of our house!!

It's still not resolved and needless to say it is causing a lot of family stress sad And it is all happening while I am 3 months pregnant!! I don't know how much longer I can take the stress and it's getting harder to calm down....Any thoughts?

OMG! I feel your pain...so much so that I feel compelled to vent in my first ever post!

We have issues too with in-laws (DH's parents) Last week they were out shopping with 10 mth old DS and (without planning to) they saw santa and took a photo of DS and Santa.....his FIRST Santa photo!

It wasn't planned I know that, but I said this upset us and there are some things that DH and I want to do with DS first so please don't do them. So FIL tells me that I'm being too precious, that i need to get over it and that he will do what he likes. Then he said his rules or he won't have anything to do with us and stormed out of our house!!

It's still not resolved and needless to say it is causing a lot of family stress sad And it is all happening while I am 3 months pregnant!! I don't know how much longer I can take the stress and it's getting harder to calm down....Any thoughts?

I'd be furious too! Things like that are special and they should respect your feelings!

I know so many grandmothers that sound like yours ;)I wont mention any names.

Its almost like grumpy old man syndrome. It seems to be worse with the MIL side for each person. I think its partly a pecking order thing and from what Ive seen being upset life didnt go as planned.

Im not sure you can change her however, Ive not met one gm that is like this that has any hope of changing.

I really really hope Im not like that one day.

I think its fair to keep people that will negatively influence your kids at arms length.

Good luck op.

Thanks Ladies! DH doesnt want DD to miss out on her grandparents, his were a big part of his life. They're not nice people and i'd prefer not to have them in our lives if they are going to continue to behave like this.

DH has tried to discuss the situation with her, but its hard for him as his parents gang up and tell him stories and forgets when things have happened etc. My mum suggested i write them a letter to air my grievances uninterrupted, but its got to the stage now where i dont want any sort of relationship with them.

I'm so sick of members of DH's family telling me i should make amends and i should accept them for what they are. I will never accept someone telling other people lies about me. I try not to care what other people think, i get angrier that alot of people just accept what she says as the truth - then again, i don't cry on cue like she does!

MIL ran into my sister awhile ago, and even she found MIL's stories convincing!

I wish they'd just leave me alone!

Why is it that families cant just be happy for eachother and not cause so much angst!!

My MIL is the same, we havent seen her since July and that was only because we made the effort(as always. So DH put his foot down and has tried to make her see that there is a problem with what she is doing, but she just doesnt see that she is in the wrong at all. For years it used to bother me all of the time that there was a lack of interest in our family from her but i am slowly learning that i have to focus on my family (DH, DD and baby on the way) and be thankful that i have my Mum and Dad and siblings there as support.

We are now just over 3 months pregnant and she doesnt know....we plan to tell her at xmas time if she comes to see us as she has refused our offer to join us at our house for Lunch.

My biggest issue now is that DD is missing out on getting to know her grandma, but there is nothing i can do if there is no interest on the MIL's side.

OMG! I feel your pain...so much so that I feel compelled to vent in my first ever post!

We have issues too with in-laws (DH's parents) Last week they were out shopping with 10 mth old DS and (without planning to) they saw santa and took a photo of DS and Santa.....his FIRST Santa photo!

It wasn't planned I know that, but I said this upset us and there are some things that DH and I want to do with DS first so please don't do them. So FIL tells me that I'm being too precious, that i need to get over it and that he will do what he likes. Then he said his rules or he won't have anything to do with us and stormed out of our house!!

It's still not resolved and needless to say it is causing a lot of family stress sad And it is all happening while I am 3 months pregnant!! I don't know how much longer I can take the stress and it's getting harder to calm down....Any thoughts?

Yes, i feel your pain - but on the other hand you can't have it both ways - you expect your DH's parents to look after your child (take him shopping etc) - to give you a break i suppose - then crack it when they do something yuo don't agree with - I know - maybe look after your own child instead of using grandparents to babysit, then crack it when they do something against your wishes - be grateful that they take your child for a few hours and give you a break - some of us don't have that luxury - we look after our own kids!

Yes, i feel your pain - but on the other hand you can't have it both ways - you expect your DH's parents to look after your child (take him shopping etc) - to give you a break i suppose - then crack it when they do something yuo don't agree with - I know - maybe look after your own child instead of using grandparents to babysit, then crack it when they do something against your wishes - be grateful that they take your child for a few hours and give you a break - some of us don't have that luxury - we look after our own kids!

Geeze bit harsh. Nothing wrong with grandparents looking after your kids. My mother loves tking DD, don't need her to but she loves to have that time. Some of us are just luckier than others to hve that luxury.

Yes, i feel your pain - but on the other hand you can't have it both ways - you expect your DH's parents to look after your child (take him shopping etc) - to give you a break i suppose - then crack it when they do something yuo don't agree with - I know - maybe look after your own child instead of using grandparents to babysit, then crack it when they do something against your wishes - be grateful that they take your child for a few hours and give you a break - some of us don't have that luxury - we look after our own kids!

wth <img src='http://www.huggies.com.au/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='<_<' /> roll eyes blink

I feel so sorry for you! My MIL is a pain in the a$$ too.

When DH and I first started dating (had known each other since beginning high school) she wouldn't let me in the house if he ever took me there and then would call him, crying & carrying on, because he wouldn't spend any time there! As he was still living at home, it made life hard. But then, she gave him an ultimatum and told him he had to choose between me & her!!! Obviously he chose me smile His parents have now moved interstate (they moved when I was about 22 weeks pregnant) and they refuse to come visit us and meet DD. They expect us to go to them but we just cannot afford it so their loss, not ours.

Oh forgot to say to the OP, I'd be p***ed too if they took my DD for her first anything. Planned or not.

Thats wrong taking the first Santa photo that is a special mummy/daddy moment. I would be upset. It would be different if they wanted to pay be involved but doing it without telling you is pushing boundaries.

To the OP. I feel really sorry for your situation. It sounds awful.

The first thing I would do is say to any mutual friends you have with your MIL, something like....

" You know my MIL makes me really upset and I know you enjoy spending time with her, but I would appreciate if you don't tell me what she says about me".

Or something like that.

I actually think it is wrong for people to be telling you the lies your MIL is telling about you. They must know it makes you upset.

As they say " what you don't know won't hurt you" and I think it is true.

Good luck smile

OMG! I feel your pain...so much so that I feel compelled to vent in my first ever post!

We have issues too with in-laws (DH's parents) Last week they were out shopping with 10 mth old DS and (without planning to) they saw santa and took a photo of DS and Santa.....his FIRST Santa photo!

It wasn't planned I know that, but I said this upset us and there are some things that DH and I want to do with DS first so please don't do them. So FIL tells me that I'm being too precious, that i need to get over it and that he will do what he likes. Then he said his rules or he won't have anything to do with us and stormed out of our house!!

It's still not resolved and needless to say it is causing a lot of family stress sad And it is all happening while I am 3 months pregnant!! I don't know how much longer I can take the stress and it's getting harder to calm down....Any thoughts?

HIS rules? wt its your child. what a *.
But at the same time its only a santa photo, maybe meet him in the middle a little bit. I'm not really a christmassy person so maybe i don't really understand though smile

Yes, i feel your pain - but on the other hand you can't have it both ways - you expect your DH's parents to look after your child (take him shopping etc) - to give you a break i suppose - then crack it when they do something yuo don't agree with - I know - maybe look after your own child instead of using grandparents to babysit, then crack it when they do something against your wishes - be grateful that they take your child for a few hours and give you a break - some of us don't have that luxury - we look after our own kids!

Im sure she appreciates them spending time with her son, but at the end of the day they should have checked before having his photo taken with santa - especially seeing its his first christmas!

Yes, i feel your pain - but on the other hand you can't have it both ways - you expect your DH's parents to look after your child (take him shopping etc) - to give you a break i suppose - then crack it when they do something yuo don't agree with - I know - maybe look after your own child instead of using grandparents to babysit, then crack it when they do something against your wishes - be grateful that they take your child for a few hours and give you a break - some of us don't have that luxury - we look after our own kids!

Wow! Here's some background...I had to return to work 1 day per week and SIL offered to look after DS until a childcare place became available. MIL and FIL are staying at SIL house for a few weeks so they happen to be there when DS is there.

As I said, it was unplanned and they didn't know it would upset us at all. And that I can get over...but to ensure that neither DH or I are upset I asked that they not take DS to some things...not an unreasonable thing (and thanks for the support everyone else). And my FIL chose to remove himself from DS's life because of this. There are 40 million other things he can do with DS, why can't there be a few things that only DH and I do with him?

You are right though....some people do not have the luxury of having people in their lives to help them out, and that is sad...family is very important to me. But if you did have a family member (or anyone else) say 'your child but my rules, deal with it or we won't see you again'....how would you react?

Thanks Ladies! DH doesnt want DD to miss out on her grandparents, his were a big part of his life. They're not nice people and i'd prefer not to have them in our lives if they are going to continue to behave like this.

DH has tried to discuss the situation with her, but its hard for him as his parents gang up and tell him stories and forgets when things have happened etc. My mum suggested i write them a letter to air my grievances uninterrupted, but its got to the stage now where i dont want any sort of relationship with them.

I'm so sick of members of DH's family telling me i should make amends and i should accept them for what they are. I will never accept someone telling other people lies about me. I try not to care what other people think, i get angrier that alot of people just accept what she says as the truth - then again, i don't cry on cue like she does!

MIL ran into my sister awhile ago, and even she found MIL's stories convincing!

I wish they'd just leave me alone!

Family is important...but not when they are destructive. Perhaps you can remove yourself from them but allow DH to take DD for supervised visits?

Family is important...but not when they are destructive. Perhaps you can remove yourself from them but allow DH to take DD for supervised visits?

DH had been trying to take DD there for visits, MIL has small dogs - we asked that she put them outside while DD is there. She refused, I was told to grow up when i explained the dog attack statistics. DH told her he would not visit unless the dogs were put out, until recently she refused to put them out. They have never called and asked to see DD not once, its only ever been when DH has arranged it.

If she stops spreading lies about me, ill consider letting DH take DD there.
I'm so over this whole situation sad

You are right though....some people do not have the luxury of having people in their lives to help them out, and that is sad...family is very important to me. But if you did have a family member (or anyone else) say 'your child but my rules, deal with it or we won't see you again'....how would you react?

My In-laws have a similar philosophy with DD, i was told to put my 2 week old baby on the floor with their dogs. When i refused they cracked the poops. When we asked that ALL visitors call before coming over we were told "we dont do that, we will call in when we want" They then told everyone that we told them they werent welcome.

Families!!!!

Like most of you I don't get the power games played by MIL's. I have a well meaning MIL who most of the time is well intentioned and so on but she did the same thing. I told her I was looking forward to taking DS to see santa as I love Christmas and I said I couldn't wait to take him to the pools for the first time. She looked after both my kids for a week when I first returned to work. Yes very nice of her but again she offered and was looking forward to it. Next thing I know I am getting photos sent to my cell of my DS with Santa and then at the pools. Question is, would she have done it if I hadn't said I was excited about doing it? I got pissy about it because I had specifically said they where the things I wanted to do. Luckily she is now in a different city so no chance of repeating the saga with DS2, well at least a reduced chance. I think it's a generational thing they never learnt boundaries. MILs' need to learn their place and it is not as the mother. They need to realise they can have a special relationship with the Grandkids and still respect the parents wishes. Time for them to grow up me thinks.

OMG! I feel your pain...so much so that I feel compelled to vent in my first ever post!

We have issues too with in-laws (DH's parents) Last week they were out shopping with 10 mth old DS and (without planning to) they saw santa and took a photo of DS and Santa.....his FIRST Santa photo!

It wasn't planned I know that, but I said this upset us and there are some things that DH and I want to do with DS first so please don't do them. So FIL tells me that I'm being too precious, that i need to get over it and that he will do what he likes. Then he said his rules or he won't have anything to do with us and stormed out of our house!!

It's still not resolved and needless to say it is causing a lot of family stress sad And it is all happening while I am 3 months pregnant!! I don't know how much longer I can take the stress and it's getting harder to calm down....Any thoughts?

Hi Erin, try to think of it as they were not thinking, just saw Santa and thought it would be nice.
Sometimes we all do things and tread on others toes, often without realising. Your FIL's reaction indicates that he feels guilty....