Hi there,

I would love to get everyone's opinions please. My baby is 7 and a half months and my husband's parents have not seen her since she was 2 weeks old. Here is why:

At the hospital when my precious newborn was about to be handed to her poppy, he said come here little bitch. Wow I am still not over that one. He thought it was funny. Then when she was 2 weeks old we visited them 2 hours away, and my baby was tired. I know she was only 2 weeks, but as you would all know, you live and breathe your baby from birth so you get to know them pretty quickly. Anyway, my MIL took her and said nope, she has wind and she bounced my baby around the house trying to burp her and my baby was screaming. Then when I tried to get her back she wouldn't give her to me, or my husband when he tried! I almost hit her, and I'm not a violent person! Anyway when I got my little distressed baby back, I put her to bed but I fumed about that for a very long time. We went home the next day and I sent them a message saying my baby is still unsettled from that experience, in future when I ask for my baby back she comes to me. I was not very nice about it. My MIL told my husband that that is a bad idea as she won't get used to anyone. I still said no. At that visit I noticed how badly my FIL smelt from smoke, it took my breath away. They are heavy smokers. So I decided to tell them that they need to keep smoke away from my baby, including what's on their clothes. Now this is the one that has caused the biggest fight. They flat out said no that would not happen, you can't tell us what to do! I explained how bad it is for my baby, and I expected them to care for their grand daughters health. THey told us to stop listening to so called doctors, they smoked around their kids and they aren't dead yet. So I said until you do that, you aren't seeing her. As I said before, it's been 7 months since they saw her. They don't ask how she is. I send them pics every now and then saying this is what you are choosing to miss out on. I get no reply. I asked them to send pics of themselves with bub the day she was born to put in her family tree in her baby book, and they never sent anything. It's like they don't want to be acknowleded as her nan and pop. Now we aren't seeing them for chrissy as they still haven't agreed to do what I ask in regard to my baby. I know I haven't been nice about it, I haven't been mean, but I've been very blunt and firm. What I want to know is, am I over reacting? My father believes I need to suck it up and that I can't expect them to wear smoke free clothes (third hand smoke). I know my husband misses them a bit but he's mad too, and is totally supporting me, but I feel like I'm letting him down in the way this has wrecked his relationship with them. But our daughter has to come first, and we are the parents and what we say goes. His parents are those horrible people that always think they know best. And they are actually quite dumb. If they ever do see her the next thing I will be asking for is for them to not swear around her. They swear every two words so they aren't going to like that one either.

Another thing that I have asked for is an apology. My brother in law's girlfriend had a birthday 2 weeks before mine. My MIL bought her a guess watch, and paid $100 to go to her birthday dinner. My birthday rolled around two weeks later and I got NOTHING. Not even a text. My MIL was angry at me as I wouldn't let anyone up at the hospital until visiting hours at 4.00 pm as I wanted alone time with my new baby and husband. She was born at 7.44am. That one caused a fight and she said she was going to tell nurses to f**k off and she had every intention of seeing her grand daughter. she actually wanted to wait outside, and have my husband take my baby to her before I got to hold her. I said I will be the first to hold my baby and she said I'll fight you for it!!!!!! I had to put my foot down. She's never ever respected my wishes! Anyway so I was so hurt about my birthday, and then a week after that, my baby was born. She received three golden books. I believe they are 3 bucks each. I am not one to care about how much money is spent, I understand not every one has a lot of money, and it's the thought that counts, but NO thought was put into my birthday, and if she can get a guess watch for my BIL's girlfriend, then shouldn't she have halved the money, or split the money three ways so her grand daughter got more than 3 golden books! My family agrees I have every right to demand an apology besides my dad and his wife. I told my MIL that she has to treat every one equally. Have I over reacted here as well?

Thank you for listening, I am really hurting over the fact I feel my beautiful baby is not loved by her nan and pop. My mother can't understand how they don't try to see her, she said it would kill her not seeing her. Wouldn't you just do what I ask so you could see her? Am I doing the right thing? Is it ok for me to expect that she gets a christmas present? My MIL has a best friend with two young kids and showers them with gifts. My husband is going to get up his mother if our baby is not acknowledged at chrissy. Is it ok to expect that?

Thanks everyone xx

wow!!! i thought my in laws were bad!! geezzz.. you are sooooo right in everyway... reading that made me furious, look you deserve an apology,and you are definately not over reacting, firstly to say that " come here little bitch" joking or not is wrong, i wouldnt of let him hold her after that comment, then with the smoke business, HELL NO !!! if they cant sacrifice not smoking near a baby or changing there clothes for the sake of their grand daughters health then i wouldnt let them near my child.AND not to give your child to you when she is crying and upset thats awful, i would of taken her off her and walked out.thats your child not hers and only you know whats best for her.

until they can apologise, and not smoke or swear near the baby then i wouldnt bother with them, their loss.... you have tried.. and they should respect your and your dh wishes regarding your child, only you as parents can stick up for her so dont bother with them.
it is sad in a way for your dh but a sacrifice that small for the sake of their grand daughter is soooo hard for them to do and then not to see her for so long, then they obviously dont deserve to see her.
good on you for saying something to them and not letting them walk all over you...

I would forget about the present situation. You can't expect gifts from anyone (even when the distribution seems a little unfair)

I believe your stand off on smoke around you baby is completely acceptable. It is a huge risk to you baby being exposed to thier third hand smoke. My partner smokes and before he goes near bub he brushes his teeth, washes his hands and arms and changes his shirt. He also wears a "smoking shirt/jacket" outside that stays outside to further cover himself from the smoke. Its not ideal that he still smokes but he has cut down and did not smoke at all when bub was new born.

How dare he call your newborn daughter a Bitch even in jest what disgusting language to use near such and innocent little being and I would have felt like id been physically slapped.

Perhaps in the spirit of Christmas you could go and have a visit with them. I know you will want to nitpick everything they say and do but you could see how they go. They may be too proud to appologise but really do want to see thier Grandchild and will really make an effort. However if they do something knowinglg wrong and won't appologise on spot then you know you tried but they just aren't willing to be a part of your childs life.

Gee there is lots for you to cope with having new baby. Enjoy your baby & special. Loving relationship with your husband. Not sure what to. Say bout your inlaws but you. Nor your family need added stress.

I'm so glad your husband supports you regarding issues u have raised ( inlaws ).

Merry Christmas .

Hi ya, well I personally wouldn't worry about the gift thing either. But the other things I would stand my ground on. Having yucky smoke around a baby is not good, and what FIL said was a bit crass, and MIL saying she would fight you to hold the baby OMG! They don't sound very nice and if they aren't prepared to make an effort then that is their problem.

They sound like awful people and I wouldn't want them around my precious baby. If they are not willing to change then perhaps you might have to revisit the idea of seeing them again once your baby is a toddler and will be alot tougher. Meaning they wont be able to bounce her about if she has wind and she will probably run away if they try to cuddle her with smokey clothes lol. Good luck with everything smile

At the risk of backlash I am going to say that perhaps you may be going slightly overboard with a couple of your reactions. Not all!

I think you can ask/tell people not to smoke near your baby or in your house but making someone change clothes for a 5 min cuddle with your baby might be pushing it. esp if visits are rare. The child will smell smoke in other places...entrances to shopping centres etc. I say this as a non-smoker who hates the smell.

I think the Bitch comment was completely un required so agree fully with you. I would phrase it as "you" would aprreciate the language toned down for you, as you find it offensive. Not the baby, it does not understand words!

You have to remember that these people have smoked and swore for a long time before the baby came around, it takes time to change.

You may find (like my dd did/does) is to tell her grandad off for smoking and wont let him do it at all. ( she is 4, and the only person grandad will listen to about it)

Long story sorry, but my point is this. its great you hubby supports you, but its his family and if he misses them, thats not fair. You never know what the future holds and you may need them one-day ( smoke or not). Is it really worth alienating them for hurt pride?

I wouldn't want them around my children.

It sounds like you're the one who has done all the talking here, and now they've made you out to be the ogre. I firmly believe that men need to sort out problems if its their side of the family. They can say what needs to be said and its more readily accepted because they are part of the family.

I've had to sort out my own family, and dh has had to sort out his. We don't have great relationships all round but its civil enough and they've all had to respect our life choices.

I'd be giving your dh a kick up the bum and telling him if he wants them to see her to go and sort them out.

I wouldn't worry about the present's.

You inlaws should respect your wishes in your home but to ask them to do in their's is asking alot becauses it is their home. Yes smoking is really bad and i don't understand why people do it. No-one is aloud near my kids when we at home if they smoke. You haven't overreated because this is your baby.

The swearing i totally on your sided about plus to have your mil say she fight you to hold the baby. For me that were i would of gone off about. No-one should get to hold your baby before you apart from your DH.

Maybe write them a letter saying what has upset you & try and come to some type of agreement, so there no more tension inside the family.

Sit down with your DH & talk about everything that happen & see how this affecting him because he is caught in the middle of all these.

Some old people are set in their ways & don't see what they are doing is effecting others. Keeping sending them photo's because you DD might give them the very good reason to stop smoking and start acting like loveable grandparents that she needs in her life.

The more I read this the more I despise these people, but being objective, you could have been a little more constructive with how you dealt with it.
While I think their behaviour is so far beyond awful - and am glad I'm not in your situation (I do have a difficult FIL & stepmother in law though so kind of understand), I think in some respects you have given them no choice but not to make contact.
You can't expect presents etc when you are on the outer, it's just not going to happen, so I'd perhaps let go of the idea of an apology for that one for your own sake - doesn't sound like they are the kind of people to give you one!
I think perhaps the bit about sending them pics saying this is what you choose to miss out on, has only inflamed the situation. Not that I don't agree with everything, the smoking stuff, the swearing stuff, mil not giving you the baby back etc (man Im not a violent person either, but that would have sent me very very close, step mil did the same thing to my sil to the point Im reluctant to even let her hold DD!) her wanting first hold - seriously who does this woman think she is! I just think if you react in an inflammatory way, expect to get the same response back. I feel like you have kind of backed them into a corner and they are trying to save face and digging their heels in, a bit the same way you feel I guess. I would get DH to sit them down and tell them calmly that you really want them involved as grandparents but that they need to be considerate of your wishes as you are the parents, but you need to be flexible too. Just think how you would feel if someone said yeah, you can see bubs, but here is a list of conditions and things you must change about yourself first. You are so lucky that hubs is supportive, that's fantastic and for his sake you need to sort it out before you get to a point of no return where the relationship is destroyed altogether. Maybe think of the things you will compromise on, my dad is a smoker so he was told pretty bloody quickly by my mum to take off smokey clothes around DD, and he doesnt smoke in their house so it isn't a problem, Im asthmatic, so were my brothers, so that was a given. But maybe give them a bit of a chance to work on the swearing.

They sound very pushy and just plain awful! You poor thing.

I have trouble with my MIL not giving my DS back when he is crying as well. She pretends not to hear me when I say I'll take him back now he needs his mum. Its SO stressful. So I very much feel for you on that one.

You are definitely in the right here, but I wonder if maybe if you tried a different approach to dealing with them you might see different results. Like how about asking them nicely to keep the smoke away, rather than telling them? like 'I wonder if you would mind washing your hands/ waiting half and hour/ taking your coat off (or whatever you want them to do) after having a smoke before holding DD, I'd rather keep her away from ciggy smoke so it would be great if you could do this for her'?

I'm not sure if insisting on wearing smoke free clothes is reasonable... its a little over the top in my opinion. Your DD is exposed to far worse things than third hand smoke even just leaving the house going for a walk so unless you are willing to keep her in a bubble then maybe let this one slide.

IMO you need to stop the passive aggressive photo sending with 'this is what you are missing out on' This will only aggravate your situation. I wouldn't respond to that either.

Sorry if this post isn't really reassuring :S, But they will be in your life no matter what as they are your DD's grandparents. So unless you are willing to cut ties completely then you need to look at ways you can change your behaviour to make your situation better, as you can't change them!

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it. I don't mind that not every one agreed with me, I really needed to hear outsider's opinions. Miss_Bee it's interesting that you say me sending photo's is passive agressive. I never saw it like that, but now that you mention it, I have to agree with you. Thank you everyone for your honesty.