Reading other peoples posts, and the responses they were given has made me want to have a vent of my own..

I'm not really sure of the reason, but me and my MIL have never really got on very well. I remember quite clearly the look of disappointment on her face when me and DP told her our fantastic news of me being pregnant. After I gave birth to DS, we came home from the hospital the day after. MIL and FIL (who are not together, and fight constantly whenever they are in the same room) invited themselves to stay at our house the first day we were back from the hospital. I was ok with that at the time. They seemed almost excited about meeting their first grandchild. Anyway, as soon as we got home, everything I was doing with DS was 'wrong' in MIL's eyes. She would grab him off me to burp him, touch my breasts to try get him to latch in a different position etc. I ended up locking myself in our bedroom with DS balling my eyes out all day for the first couple of days of his life. The baby blues hit me hard, and I blame that on MIL telling me everything I do is wrong. They left 2 days later, and we never saw them for the next 3 months. No phone calls, no txts, no communication at all. When DS was 3 months old I got a txt from MIL saying she was angry at me for not bringing DS to see her for a visit. She only lives 40 minutes away and has no job so could easily come around whenever she wanted. Whereas, DP works 12-14 hour days and just wants to spend his time at home with me and DS. I sent her a text saying she was welcome to come up to visit us any time. So since then she has come up about once a month. However, every time she visits she decides she will stay for 2 or 3 days, eats all our food from out pantry, uses all our hot water and then leaves again. I'm left to wash all her dishes and clean up after her. This drives me soo mad!

This is my problem... DP and I decided we wanted to spend our first christmas with DS at home just relaxing. MIL has conveniently invited herself up on christmas day. I was ok with that. But when I asked her what she was bringing up foodwise, so I could plan what I was going to do, she replied 'nothing, we are having christmas at your house, it is your job to provide the food'! Another problem is presents. She 'doesn't believe in presents'. She will happily take any presents we give her, but has never given any gifts to DS or DP. This year we went around to her house for he birthday, and purposefully didn't get her a gift. and you could tell she was gutted that we didn't get her a gift.

So what shall I do? Do we get her a gift for christmas, even though we know we wont get anything in return? Do I tell her she isn't welcome christmas day unless she pulls her own weight brings some food?

Personally I would love to tell her she isn't welcome at all. Arrrgh. Thanks for letting me vent haha. It feels so much better now that it's written down.

arh what a crappy situation/mil! from the outside looking in, I'd say tell her shes not welcome and definitely do not give her a gift, although I know that if I was in that situation it would not be that easy and its easier just to smile and bear it, even if it takes a few wines at the end of the night to cope!

I would tell her what you are planning on cooking on Christmas day and then say to her we would really appreciate if you could bring a salad or whatever you decide to contribute to the meal. We are going to my Mums place for Christmas lunch but we always take something, we have provided the roast chicken this year which mum will cook on the day, I think it is very rude of her to expect you to provide all the food, especially since she invited herself!

No way would I get her a gift! I'd say something like "I know you don't believe in gifts so we didn't get you one so you wouldn't be offended".
I would tell her shes welcome xmas day but that as you are very busy you have told everyone that a condition of entry will be food, and ask again what she will be bringing!

I think you are well within your right to ask her to bring something - Maybe DP could tell her that you can't afford all the food and ask her to contribute. She invited herself, I'd be inclined to tell her not to come unless shes bringing something!

I'm having Christmas at my house this year, i still expect my parents to contribute.

I would not get her a present, if she doesn't believe in presents, she shouldn't believe in receiving them either!

Good Luck!

Thanks ladies smile

She is just all take take take, and no give. I know the only reason she 'doesn't believe in presents' is so she has an excuse not to buy anybody anything. She is also soo opinionated. I know she will come xmas day, eat all the food, and then complain the rest of the day about how I made it all wrong haha. FIL is just as bad, but we see less of him so he doesn't bother me. DP always jokes about how he ended up so normal lol.

I think the mother in law has no right to be like that to you!

The only way she'd probably understand is if you tell you everything straight up.. As they say the truth hurts but you're hurting in the process aswell.

Set up ultimatums eg, if she comes over for xmas she brings food. when she comes and stays at your house for a few days, she needs to help.

The longer you leave it for not telling her the more it'll eat at you.

What does your hubby think of the situation?

Anyway good luck!

Hope all goes well and remember every moment with your child is a special one.!

It's a bit tricky for DP. He's the youngest of 4 children, the only boy, and all of his sisters have moved away overseas. So he feels like it's his obligation to look after her even though he also finds her completely overbearing. He also feels quite guilty as she does live on a benefit and does have occasional money troubles. Whereas we are living quite comfortably, DP has a good job and we have just bought our first house. I still don't think this warrants her sponging off her son and treating me like dog poo. She isn't elderly, so is quite capable of getting a job, but she has no motivation what so ever to do so.

It's little wonder they all moved overseas!!!! laugh

I wouldn't get her a gift and for xmas day I would just txt and say you are doing the menu for xmas lunch can she bring........., and if she says no then say thats fine but if you don't bring a plate you don't get to eat.

Will there be other people there participating in gift giving? or do you have gifts for each other? If I were you and that were the case I would get her something very small... like some nice home baked cookies or fudge. Just so you have something to give her but its not a big deal.

GL she sounds like such a d!ck smile

Hi Laura,I think u and your partner need to give ur MIL a lesson so she will appreciate u more.u are not alone there's a lot of people having problem with their MIL and that including myself.My MIL always give me hard time since I first met my husband till now.a lot of unpleasant things that she done to me,mentally just try to put me down.I come from family which is in our traditional way have to respect elderly and older people,but at time I'm so fed up with her because she always saw me in wrong negative way.the worst is she always try to set up my husband with another woman that she met.maybe because I'm Asian.but my husband is loving and supporting me and he hates what his mother does to me.One day I just confront her and stand up for myself saying what I should say.even she still negative toward me but at least she know that I'm deserve to be respected. my husband and I are united to make line and boundaries for her.
So in my opinion the key of this matter is your patner,he have to support you and set the lines.u need to be stand for yourself but without forgetting the manners and respect for your MIL.

I wouldn't get her a gift and for xmas day I would just txt and say you are doing the menu for xmas lunch can she bring........., and if she says no then say thats fine but if you don't bring a plate you don't get to eat.

Totally agree!!!!

ok, with the food thing, i know it more of an "aussie" tradition but in our family and culture we don't expect anyone to bring anything and never ask them to. most of the times they will bring something. BUT, if it is what you do in your family then simply say to her that you would appriciate if she would bring something even if it is something simple.

as for the gift i wouldn't get her anything not because she doesn't give any in return but because of her attitude.

having said that if i was in your situation (i have a she devil for a mil too) i would say that you just want a quiet xmas and you will catch up another day, to save yourself a headache and your xmas being ruined.

if she still doesn't get the hint then maybe say, well if you weren't so overbearing we would like to be around you and maybe that's why you have no husband and your daughters left. (nasty i know. i wouldn't really say it, i'd just think it laugh )

Thanks ladies smile

She is just all take take take, and no give. I know the only reason she 'doesn't believe in presents' is so she has an excuse not to buy anybody anything. She is also soo opinionated. I know she will come xmas day, eat all the food, and then complain the rest of the day about how I made it all wrong haha. FIL is just as bad, but we see less of him so he doesn't bother me. DP always jokes about how he ended up so normal lol.

I wonder the same about my DH! I sometimes think he's adopted lol
Christmas is certainly bringing out the best in the in laws!!

I would tell her this is expected of her. We are having Christmas lunch here and everyone is bringing something, my ILs bought the ham, my parents bought the pork and lamb and other relatives are bringing bits a pieces as Im 8months pregnat with number 3 and I didnt want to have to go to everyone's houses for christmas, so it was easier to have it here and they come to us.

agree with some of other posters - just tell her what to bring. make it something simple like a tossed salad or potato bake. Geez even get her to stop at the cheesecake shop and bring desert not hard for her. Stand you ground!