Am i just being silly?

DH and i have been together for 4 years (married 3 years). We have a 2.5yo daughter together (DD3) and two of my children (DS 6.5yrs, DD2 10.5 yrs)from my previous marriage live with us. I am currently pregnant with our twins.

Over the past 4 years we have moved homes (states) 6 times (have been in current home for 2 years) for DH PhD studies. Now DH wants to move countries in late 2012 - to NZ, for 2 years, then back to NSW for a stint, then to WA or VIC for another period, then back to NSW.

I broke down today and said i am sick of moving, sick of pulling the kids out of schools, sick of having no friends because of the constant move and afer this next move i will have to leave my horse and my daughters horse behind for at least 6 years, or sell them. My life revolves around moving from place to place for HIM, Never being settled, never making friends and being part of a community sad

I dont want to move to NZ.

He got really mad and stormed out, Its all about HIM.

I am at the point of telling him to go by himself.

Am i just being selfish? should i just harden up and go with him?

Yes he is being selfish, it shouldn't be all about him. If anything, "it" should be about the kids instead of the parents. What does he do? Could he get work easily if he left his job and didn't keep moving around?

I don't know how you have put up with it this long!

If it is the only way he can remain employed then that's another story.

However if he can hold a decent paying job and remain in the one spot then he needs to get over himself and think of others.

If he wants to be like this he should have done so before settling down.

It's not fair of him to expect you to follow him everywhere and especially when there are kids being effected too.

I refused to put DD1 in daycare or kindy until we bought a house(although I didn't expect it to take us 2yrs.) because I didn't want her to get settled and the take her away from her friends and her comfort environment.
So she didn't start kindy until she was 3.5 yrs. We did go to playgroup,storytime and mainly music so she had some interaction with other kids!

We bought a house just over 18 mths ago and we plan on staying here until the kids are grown up. We will need to either extend or knock down and rebuild but plan on staying at the same location. We made sure we bought a large block (1300m) so that we still had the options to do what we want without having to move and make the kids change schools.

He needs to put kids wife and kids first!

Thanks guys smile

My main concern is the kids... it breaks my heart everytime they get settled, make new friends etc, only to be pulled out to start all over again sad DH keep saying "they are ok, they are kids, they adjust and have to go where we go!"

I dont think so!

He is finishing his PhD studies mid 2012, and has already been offered a position where we are, at the local University, so its not as though he needs to move around to get a job. He just wants to "experience new places" and add these experiences to his CV to make it look better. So he has all these plans for at least another 4 or 5 moves in as many years sad

The reason we have moved so many times state to state in the past few years is because he started a PhD in Adelaide, moved us over, then after 6 weeks decided he didnt want to go down that direction.. we all moved back to NSW where he was unemployed for a few months... picked up a job in Rockhampton QLD, Moved us up there, with plans to stay there for a few years, i got a job, brought a property, moved all my horses from NSW (all 30 of them) only to have him have a falling out with his boss after 12 months, and cheated on me while we were there. Moved back to NSW, Where he was unemployed again... i had our daughter and then he decided he wanted to go back to UNE and start another PhD! so we moved again sad have been here for 2 years and love the area, the kids are doing so well in school and his family, who i consider my parents as i do not have contact with my family, are only an hour away.

He is so stubborn, never asks where i want to go in life. I Just follow him everywhere for HIM. Im tired, im over it! He thinks im the evil one in all this sad

I don't think he is being fair AT ALL.
How about a family vote? Every adult and child gets an equal vote. Maybe that'll make him see? Sounds like you have all been making a lot of compromises for him, I think maybe its his turn to compromise.
Sure career is important, but not at your family's expense.

If that was my Dh i would have to be having a serious talk about my wants and needs. And shorely it can't be good for the kids to be constantly moving.

I grew up constantly moving schools and houses, and i seriously resented my family because at the end of school i had no friends..

I think your dh should stay put and let his wife and kids have some normality and stability in there lives. Marriage is a two way street , not all about one person and what they want..

best of luck hope you get to make the final choice this time..

You're not being silly at all! I think he's being very unfair to you AND the children!

These decisions dramatically affect all your lives and instead of discussing any options, he's throwing a tantrum and storming out when he doesn't get his way!

Maybe bringing a councellor or another neutral 3rd party into the mix might be helpful? Then it's not you being the big meanie and telling him he can't have what he wants, but a discussion about what is best for everybody?

Sending you big hugs, I've moved locally several times in the last couple of years and it's been a nightmare, I couldn't imagine having to do it interstate and resettle the kids each time etc. You deserve a medal for what you have put up with and accomplished already!

You are not be silly. You have every right to say what you want to do & he needs to sit back and think of what this does to you & the kids.

It time he learnt that the world doesn't revolve him.

As someone with a PhD (and in academia) I can see where your partner is coming from. For me, being single and moving countries for postdocs was great (4 countries in 5 years). Now in a long term relationship (which has spanned two countries) with a baby on the way - it's another story, all I want is to settle.

There is a lot of pressure in academia. And sometimes academics act like children - just yesterday my boss slammed the table when I refused to agree with her (very stupid) point and stormed out of the room - and she is 40. Not 5! (hours later not apologising but at least admitting she was wrong). It's really hard for them to think outside of their job (and I don't count myself in this criteria, I have always been different and wanted out for years now). There are true academics and those that just do it because they can. The true academics -like my boss, who has 3 children and 5 nannies so that she rarely sees them (2 hours per day alone with them)- cant think of anything else. They don't want to. They will do whatever it takes, under whatever conditions (poor pay for example) to do their job. And there are those that are willing to adapt (I've seen many of my academic friends settle in one place for family, and leave the academic world if necessary to do so). I tell you this so perhaps it helps you understand him a little. I fear that your partner is the former, he will always put his job first. Academia is everything to him.

Having said all that, I think that he is still being completely unfair. The beauty of academia (and the only good thing) is flexibility! Working the hours you want, at home some days if you want, holidays whenever you want (though you never seem to find the time to take them). There are priorities in life, and upsetting an entire family just to experience another country is ridiculous. Especially if he has a position where he is (though this is often not respected in academia, i.e. movement is viewed as VERY good). But, there are other ways he can do this. I.e. flexibility. There are travel grants, and he can always go for an extended visit of a month or three moths, and that doesn't involve moving an entire family on a whim - especially as it sounds to me, like he doesn't think thing through properly (sorry!)

Sorry this is long winded, I hope that my point came across and I hope that things settle for you.