Hey, my ex DF and I have now been separated for 5 weeks. Things at this stage are not looking good for a reconciliation. I still have no real understanding as to how we have reached this point as this was all his decision. Christmassy and the holidays have been hard but I have spent it with my family and they have been a great support. But now that our holiday is nearly over I need to return to my home town and start to sort things out. In a way it feels like my life has been on hold. The ex and I have not really made any decisions re custody, finance or our house that we bought 6 months ago. I have decided what I want to do but just want any advise from anyone that has been in this situation.

1. I have been a stay at home mum this past year but will need to return to work so that I can afford to live and it will give me back some independence. I am a teacher and there are not that many jobs around so this may take a while. In the mean time I am thinking of going on the DPB as this will give me some financial independence. The ex will need to continue to pay half he mortgage as I will not be able to afford it on my own. At this stage I do not want to sell the house as the market is not good and i do not want to see us make a huge loss. Rent is also pretty high where we live and I have a dog so I am not sure how easy it will be to find anywhere else to live. I have been thinking of getting a flatmate as this will give me some company and help out with the mortgage. Previously my ex had said he would completely support me until I find work but because it may take a while this way I will jot be pressured or rushed into anything. My ex ha a good paying job and this way he will only have to pay child support and half the mortgage leaving him a nice amount of money to live on each fortnight. I think he will be happy with this as if he was to continue to support mr completely he would have very little money to spend each week and would not even be able to move out of his parents which is where he is living now.

2. The next issue is around custody. I am really scared that he is going to push to take our son more than I am comfortable with. I have never spen more than a few hours away from him and he has never been left anywhere over night. My son is 9months old and is still bf. when we were together we had decided that I was going to breastfreed our son till he was 1. I would really like to do this. I want my sons father to be a huge part of his life but I just do jot want him to take him over night yet. I know things will change in the future but in the short term is this unreasonable on my part. How else ha anybody else shared or arranged custody with a younge child?

3. I am being realistic and understand that my ex will probably move on a lot faster then me. Is it fair to ask that he does not introduce any new girl friends to my son until he think it is something serious. What at you thoughts on this?

Finally how and when did you split up all your stuff. We have been together 7 years and everything is joint. Should he take half the stuff now or wait a little longer until we both know it is final.

My family keep saying to be careful with demanding things or telling him how things are out to be as he could get nasty. I could not see my ex turning his way because even though he says he know longer loves me I think he still respects me and what we had. I do not think I can worry about this at this stage either as I am barely coping with the reality that it is over.

On a separate note. Had anyone ever been in the position where there dh/DF/dp has walked away from his family and after some time apart (months) been able to work out their problems.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and responds smile

Firstly i just wanted to say sorry about your situation.

Secondly, i would get a lawyer/solicitor involved - some are quite reasonable that specialise in family law.

The only reason i say this is that as you are both quite young, there is the possibility that both of you will move on (him probably sooner as you mentioned- and he may even have other children one day with a new partner)
- as such, it is best to get everything "legal" and in writing.

My cousin split up from her hubby and it was all sweet, until he met a new partner and she was expecting within the first year of them being together - he had said my cousin could stay in the house so as not to unsettle the kids etc, - well that changed pretty quick smart! = she was out on her arse before she knew it
- and i know you might say he wouldn't do that! they do (as i am sure you thought he would never leave you)

Again i am very sorry for your situation - but trying to give you some harsh reality (sorry if i have upset you)

Thanks, you did not upset met I understand and have come to accept the worst case scenario. But I hope things do not get to that point. I no the importance of getting things in writing and I also no that things will change in the future especially once one of us moves on with someone else. What upsets me more is the thought of him actually moving on.

1. Sounds very reasonable and that's what most courts would decide anyway (i.e. half of the mortgage and child support).

2. Can you express? I know you feel anxious about not being with your bub, but your ex probably feels the same way. Could your ex have him for a couple of hours 2-3 times during the week and maybe on Sat or Sun?

3. Sounds fair.

4. Make sure you change all the locks in your house and divide all your stuff. When trying to work out the value of things, don't look at the sentimental value. A friend of mine's ex was claiming that their wedding album was worth $2000 - she was gonna go along with it till I made her realise it wasn't worth anything at all- she couldn't actually sell it. She eventually told her ex he could keep it then, and she was gonna have something else worth $2000. I know it hurts, having to let go of the sentimental things, but things can turn sour very quickly and you need to stay objective. As soon as my friend's ex realised my friend wasn't gonna just let him take whatever he wanted, he became aggressive and even broke into their house and stole some stuff when we went for a girly weekend away. He must have been letting himself in into their house when she was at work and checking her diary.