Teaching respect for others and things

My DD is 4 and for the past year have been having what seems to be the usual battles with her emerging self-will and independence. The acting out and frustration tantrums are slowly improving but the one thing I can't seem to get around is how to get her to have respect for other people and also for things such as our furniture for example.

I know she is capable of being very friendly and loving and she has heaps of friends at kinder to prove this. However, she still has moments of totally losing the plot and lashing out. I know this is linked to her maybe being tired and sometimes it is out of jealousy (eg. toward her little brother) and so I understand why it is happening but I cannot seem to get through to her the concepts of respect & consideration. I understand these are pretty heavy things for a 4 yr old to get a firm grasp on so I try to make it simple and for example, will explain that hitting someone hurts them and how would she like it if someone hit her etc but even though she seems to get it, she can't seem to put it into practice. She is a very clever kid and there are no concerns of any developmental or behavioural issues.

Some of the things she will do is lash out and hit or kick whoever is closest, throw things, slam doors, jump all over furniture and scream like she's being tortured (I often wonder what the neighbours think!). She can also be really nasty if she has a friend or if we have visitors over during one of these melt downs and will scream for them to go away.

When we discipline, we always try to be consistent. There are always consequences (taking away toys etc), we do time-outs. We also have tried teaching her to manage the anger with deep breathing and taking herself away but she can't seem to do this when it happens. We also try to stay calm and not yell (not always easy). And I try to reward the good things as soon as they happen.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much of her at this age? Do others think she can learn this or do we just have to continue with disciplining the bad behaviour when it happens? Suggestions, ideas please...

I have a very social girl, so she responds well to explaining consequences and feelings. Every time she goes to time out and we explain what she's done wrong, we always say things like "when you yell at mummy you make me feel very sad" and "If you jump on the furniture you might fall and hurt yourself, or it might break and we'd have nothing to sit on". And she has to specifically apologise when she comes out so that she's repeating what she did wrong (and its hopefully sinking in). And she gets in big trouble for not speaking nicely to friends.

Don't know if that helps, I think alot of it comes down to the childs personality.

Your dd sounds a lot like my oldest ds was. He is now almost 8 and still has angry issues, but we've stayed consistant in our approach and message to him and he "gets it" now.

We also have tried teaching her to manage the anger with deep breathing and taking herself away but she can't seem to do this when it happens. We also try to stay calm and not yell (not always easy). And I try to reward the good things as soon as they happen.

^^Re this^^ This is similar to what we do with ds, however at 4 they can't be expected to recognise the signs and triggers of what is about to happen. I think at this age we really need to be on top of what kinds of things may set them off and be ready to get to her side quickly. If the tactic is for her to go somewhere safe and private then you need take her while explaining that while it's okay to feel angry, for the safety of her brother and other family members she needs to learn to deal with her anger in her own space. You may choose to stay with her while she calms down or even discuss what plan to use with her before she has an episode. Ask her if she wants to be by herself or have you with her for support. This is what I did with my ds and he started asking for help to calm down where we would then do his breathing and then were able to have a calm talk about what happened to make him feel angry and ways it could have been dealt with that might have not made him so angry.

Thank you for your replies. I had tried to teach her what to do if those feelings arise as you suggested but I agree that maybe she is too young to recognise when it starts. I hadn't thought to maybe stay with her and help her through it, so I will try it this way. When she was much younger I would hold her during the tantrum but as she's gotten older, I've left her to it and tried to ignore it. I always verbalise to her what the feeling is but I think she gets too upset to hear what is being said.

When reading your post I thought I was reading about my four yr old, she does all of the same things. I have been told it is what 4 yr olds do, she is a girl, second child syndrome. I just pray she will eventually grow out of it and will understand,Its nice to know its not just me. good luck smile