going off the'smacking' thread

i smacked DD yesterday,

and then sat her on the naughty wall,

i told her 'mummy gave you a smack because you were hitting your brother after i told you not to, and you know hitting is wrong'...

shes 3, and in one breif moment she showed me my ignorance, she gave me this look that summed up the entire 60mins video and the thread from yesterday..i nearly cried..you know those moments where your children say/do something that quite literally puts a little bit of the universe into place? it was one of those moments..it will never be the same in our household again.

after having another good read of all the replys on the thread and watching the whole 60mins footage ( i only lasted the first couple of minutes the first time), DH and I had a talk about the issue and have made the decision to become a 'smack free' household smile

i guess its so easy to do something that was done to you as a child when you become a parent yourself, i guess thats how the cycles of everything from violence to alcoholism and drug abuse start. both our parents smacked us as kids, not like on that video, but smacked none the less.

we discussed the fact that weve been defending our use of a smack as disipline saying that its 'only a little smack' and is 'only for the best outcome for our children'..how is hitting your child the 'best thing'? and how can we tell our babies that hitting is wrong as we ourselves effectively hit them? were undermining our own disipline the second we give it...seems pretty stupid really

yay! I hope that video will make lots of households smack free. Dh surprised me last night - he has always said that if dd 'needed' a smack he'd give her one - I havn't seen him smack her yet, because everything is always under control and she is pretty well behaved. Then sitting around the dinner table last night the subject of smacking came up with his parents... and dh told his parents that them talking to him as a child and telling him they were disapointed would have been far more effective than smacking, and that our dd is an example of a well behaved child that is not smacked. (The trouble we have with her is that she argues with us, not actually bad behaviour, but that's something we have to tackle another way, havn't worked out how yet!)

I treat dd with the same respect I'd treat an adult - if someone were to get in my face and yell at me or smack me around I'd be mightily upset... adults don't treat adults like that, so I don't know why we would take advantage of little people that can't defend themselves. It makes me want to cry when I see it out and about - I always wonder what they do at home when there's no one watching. And yet 3 out of 4 families are pro smacking... sad

And gypsy kylez... I hope I'm not overstepping the mark here.... but anyway!! unsure

Can I suggest you also ditch the naughty wall? Obviously its not as big a deal as the smacking thing, but telling kids they're naughty can be the same really - because they just think they're naughty, rather than thinking about what they've done that was wrong, and what they should have done.

In our house we have 'quiet time'. When things are starting to go a bit far I tell dd it's time for quiet time. She knows this is to help her get calm, and she is allowed to read some books during this time. She doesn't think of it as a negative thing or as punishment. When she is calm and quiet, I'll then sit down and talk to her about her behaviour. It also gives me time to calm down if I'm feeling stressed or aggrivated, and I have time to think about how I should approach the topic. She responds really well to this, and if she has misbehaved she will appologise to me every time without any prompting and she'll tell me she wont do it again, and she doesn't.

I actually haven't watched the segment on 60 minutes moreso because I don't want to sad I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.

It makes me sad to think that people would hit their kids out of frustration. Everyone gets frustrated but it is no excuse. They are only little kids and it is up to us to teach them and to show them about life. Also for them NOT to fear us and show that we CAN control a situation in the right way.

It's great that you have come to the conclusion of a smack free household love grin I think in the long run it would work out alot better for you.

And gypsy kylez... I hope I'm not overstepping the mark here.... but anyway!! unsure

Can I suggest you also ditch the naughty wall? Obviously its not as big a deal as the smacking thing, but telling kids they're naughty can be the same really - because they just think they're naughty, rather than thinking about what they've done that was wrong, and what they should have done.

In our house we have 'quiet time'. When things are starting to go a bit far I tell dd it's time for quiet time. She knows this is to help her get calm, and she is allowed to read some books during this time. She doesn't think of it as a negative thing or as punishment. When she is calm and quiet, I'll then sit down and talk to her about her behaviour. It also gives me time to calm down if I'm feeling stressed or aggrivated, and I have time to think about how I should approach the topic. She responds really well to this, and if she has misbehaved she will appologise to me every time without any prompting and she'll tell me she wont do it again, and she doesn't.

i actually dont use the wall very much as the threat of it makes them calm down ill 'say 'do you want to go on the naught wall?' 'no' 'then what should you do to be a good girl/boy?' and generally they give a good answer, as in, dont hit, or stop jumping on the couch etc and i reward that with some positive encouragement and a thankyou i think that would be a good idea.
we never really smacked often maybe once every few days but still even thats too much

It's great that you have come to the conclusion of a smack free household love grin I think in the long run it would work out alot better for you.

i think so too smile

We decided not to smack as I don't want DS thinking that he can do the same thing. Best just to avoid any physical punishment whatsoever. It is illegal here in NZ anyway.

after having another good read of all the replys on the thread and watching the whole 60mins footage ( i only lasted the first couple of minutes the first time), DH and I had a talk about the issue and have made the decision to become a 'smack free' household smile

i guess its so easy to do something that was done to you as a child when you become a parent yourself, i guess thats how the cycles of everything from violence to alcoholism and drug abuse start. both our parents smacked us as kids, not like on that video, but smacked none the less.

we discussed the fact that weve been defending our use of a smack as disipline saying that its 'only a little smack' and is 'only for the best outcome for our children'..how is hitting your child the 'best thing'? and how can we tell our babies that hitting is wrong as we ourselves effectively hit them? were undermining our own disipline the second we give it...seems pretty stupid really

I am so glad for you guys!!!

That really takes a strong person (you) to be able to look at things from an open-minded perspective. Many people never move past the attempts to justify themseleves and the fear of thinking they did something less than ideal.

Once you make the choice, I believe it will be easy not to do it.

Once something becomes an unacceptable thing in your mind, deep down, then it is easier not to do it.

Good luck xxx

we discussed the fact that weve been defending our use of a smack as disipline saying that its 'only a little smack' and is 'only for the best outcome for our children'..how is hitting your child the 'best thing'? and how can we tell our babies that hitting is wrong as we ourselves effectively hit them? were undermining our own disipline the second we give it...seems pretty stupid really

smile

For me, hitting my child for hitting someone else doesn't make sense smile

With my son I take away the things he loves... like his TV or Playstation which I know hurts the most. But he's 10 so he understands.

With DD, I actually don't know what we going to do. She isn't yet 2 so we haven't actually had to punish her yet.

We're also a smack-free household smile

I grew up in a smack free household and intend to carry on that philosophy with my kids. Like pp said, its illegal in NZ to use physical force against kids.

I'm sorry but I think that taking a 2 year old aside and telling him/her that their bad behaviour 'disappoints' mummy/daddy would have to be the most inefective response I could think of. My youngest son will be 4 in July and I'd say that he would finally understand if I told him that - BUT if he's feeling like misbehaving he surely wouldn't care if I was disappointed in him or not.
I grew up in a household of many smacks and much love and am one of 5 children who are successful adults with much respect and love for our parents. I rarely smack my children, and I feel that I will regret it one day - actually I already feel that they are becoming the product of a parent who is too soft on them. My husband is much tougher, gives a smack like he means it when they need it and they are different childen when he looks after them - and they adore him and he's a wonderful father.
There is a huge difference between 'hitting' and smacking
- hitting is lashing out in anger and not caring where the blow lands. Smacking with an open hand on the bottom is a short sharp reminder that there are immediate and unpleasant consequences for bad behaviour. And just like nobody who believes in smacking will change their minds after what I've written, I won't change mine either. We all have our own belief systems and opinions.

I'm sorry but I think that taking a 2 year old aside and telling him/her that their bad behaviour 'disappoints' mummy/daddy would have to be the most inefective response I could think of.

You'd be surprised how much 2 year olds understand. Maybe have a look at these videos:
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/smacking_video.html/highlight/smacking
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/encouraging_behaviour_video.html
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/discouraging_behaviour_video.html

and have a look at this
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/toddlers_behaviour_nutshell.html/highlight/smacking