My ex kept our baby a secret, to tell or not to tell ?

So my then partner and I lived together and worked on the same farm. We decided things were just not working out and decided to split, we gave in our notice and started packing. About a week before our move I found out I was pregnant. We both moved back to auckland living apart we thought we'd give it another try for the babys sake. Long story short found out he was in 4 other relationships when I was about 16weeks and it totally crushed me. He told me a bunch of bull-poo lies and being emotionally vulnerable and the hormonal crazed idiot I was I remained close friends with him (Dont ask me how or why I have no freakng idea what I was thinking? lol)

So anyway 9Months later he still had not told his family I was expecting and they still do not know till this day. He kept promising to tell them during my pregnancy and being the fool I was I believed him. My daughter is now 4Months old and we have no contact with my ex. He has seen her all of three times within the first week of her being born, and has told me he wants nothing to do with us. So I am at a cross-roads of weather to tell his family or not ? They are very upper-class kind of people and I only met them about 3times during our 2year relationship & I didnt feel very welcome at all. Although I got very close to his kids from previous relationship (daughter 17 & son 13)I would love her to get to them but I do not know how to go about it?

Do I tell my ex what im going to do ? Or do I just go in guns blazing and tell his parents ? At the same time I realise that my baby couldnt be any happier, she is in a very loving and caring enviroment and im wondering if maybe keeping things the same might be better? Also his family are very commited Mormons (bar him obviously) and I dont want them to push their beliefs on to me or my daughter. When he went for custody for his other kids from his previous partner his parents hired the most expensive lawyer they could find and things got really messy.

I hate that he has kept my daughter his dirty little secret but am also aware that it is partly my fault too which makes me feel like a really bad mum =( Im also scared of loosing her if they do find out and force him to be a father to her which I know he does not want. I just want whats best for her but I dont know what that is ?

Any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated !

I understand you feel crappy that he has kept your dd a secret sad what a d!ck. But can I ask why you even want to tell his family about her when he is no longer a part of your life? It kind of seems like just a way of getting at him iykwim. You'd prob be happier washing your hands of him completely and moving on. GL

I guess I just feel bad for her. I was lucky enough to grow up with two parents who love & cared for me & already ive put her at a dissadvantage. Also I kinda wanted to deal with this once and for all, not carry on with our lives and 10years down the track have them come & disrupt everything & have my daughter ask me why I helped her Dad keep her a secret. But I must admit things are going really well for us & we are very happy =) maybe leaving things how they are is the way to go. Thanks!

after the original post I was leaning towards don't say anything, but after your last comment justifying why you want to I think tell them, maybe give him a "warning" though, not a threat, just let him know your going to tell them, you don't want them finding out years down the track and demanding contact, atleast if they know now they have a chance before shes old enough to understand and be hurt if things get messy. good luck either way smile

If her grand-parents wanted to have contact with her I would totally support it, the more people showing my daughter love the better.
I guess by saying their mormons I just know they are very very pushy & didnt want to deal with their dissaproval of our non-beliefs. But I would like to put my mind at ease and if I tell then at least id know right ? Thanks ! =)

Do what you want, nevermind him he sounds like a dick. Im 35 weeks and i plan on taking my baby to meet her dads family even tho hes so unsupportive of her. When i was a baby my dads family didnt know me and now im one of the favourites and my dad remains the loser he always was.

@ xo-emisme-ox yeah i dont think I explained proply in my first post my reasons for telling his parents & I realise that it could either go really well or really bad. But I dont want her growing up and thinking I kept her from her other family. Also how would I tell them ? A simple phone call, text, or a visit ?? Thanks =)

@'Missashleykayla' You are so right. He is a dick, sorry to hear about you and your father but its comforting to know that you now have a great relationship with his side of the family, I would love that for my daughter and the earlier she can start developing one with her other family the better. Thanks heeeaps ! =) Also good luck with labour !

It is completely up to you to do what you think is best. It sounds like a very hard desission (sp) to make!

If you are going to tell his family I would suggest actually writing a letter to them and sending it to them in the mail. It gives you time to think about how to word it and explain that you don't want anything from either them or their son, you just thought they may like to know that they have another grand daughter and if they would like to be a part of her life you are giving them a chance do to that despite her father not acknowledging her. If you put your contact details on the bottom of the letter so they can make contact if they want to in their own time. It will also give them time to process their emotions before seeing you and your DD if thats what they wish. I know I would find it a bit of a shock to find out you have a 4month old grand daughter.

Writing a hand written letter also makes it a bit more personal rather than an email or text message. It also means that you will be removed from their initial reaction. Sometimes people react badly to unexpected news and they can take it out on the messanger, this way they will have time to think about it before getting in contact with you.

Hope everything goes well!

Wow I think your idea of writing a letter is perfect. Like you said id get to write down everythng I feel and state clearly my reasons for making contact. You are spot on with me not wanting anything from them or their son I just want the chance to be heard & offer them a chance to get to know their grand-daughter. If it doesnt work out at least id have gotten everything off my chest and move on with a clear conscience. Also you are so right being removed from their initial reaction is probably the best way to go for me. Thanks so much for your advice, think ill start writing now =)