teenage step kids

hey, can anyone help me. im engage to a older man who has two kids, one 16(girl) and the other 14(boy). The girl is really good, she gets along with my 1 year old and me ok. the boy will talk to my 1 year old sometimes, but dosn't get along with me. i find him to be very rude and disrespectful to me all the time. if i ask him to do something he just snaps. the father says i need to adjust to his way of parenting. The kids a only with us every fornight. i hate having them around, it puts pressure on me and my partner of 6 years. thanks

A boy at age 14 is hard to get along with at the best of times!!

I do feel for you though. I split with my ex when my DS1 was 13 and my DD was 16. I met DF a year later, he moved in with me and my teenagers. My DD was fine, but DS1, 14 at the time, was a nightmare.
He hated me for spiting up with his father and he hated DF.
We had real drama's with school and social issues aswell.
DF took it all in his stride (gee I would have run lol) and gave DS1 space but at the same time tried to help by tuning in to my son's world. He was a pro at this. Talked to him about stuff (when he could) that maybe my son felt that he couldn't talk about with myself or his father. DF also told him straight that he was with me to stay and that he loved me very much......
Anyway, DS1 is now 18 and he gets on really well with DF now.
14 is a nasty age at the best of times.. I hope it all works out for you as it can get quite stressful. GL

hey, can anyone help me. im engage to a older man who has two kids, one 16(girl) and the other 14(boy). The girl is really good, she gets along with my 1 year old and me ok. the boy will talk to my 1 year old sometimes, but dosn't get along with me. i find him to be very rude and disrespectful to me all the time. if i ask him to do something he just snaps. the father says i need to adjust to his way of parenting. The kids a only with us every fornight. i hate having them around, it puts pressure on me and my partner of 6 years. thanks

Hi. I would love to say that it's all going to work out fine and it's just a phase....but the reality is, it is going to be hard. I have 2 step daughters who were 14 and 18 at the time their father and I got together. I was the devil to them [and sometimes think I still am] The reality is, they have to experience their own emotions.

Your step kids will love you and hate you at times. They will play you off against their father and mother. They will make you feel guilty and they will piss you off. But, you need to remember why you are doing this. You have a lovely baby. You have a lovely husband and if he is worth keeping, then its worth puttin gup with 5 years of crap. But remember, teeage boys are horrid at that age anyway.

I am a high school teacher at a boys school. I have PLENTY of 'natural' parents saying exactly what you said. It's not necessarily becuase you are a step mum. Its becuase he is a teenage boy.

Someone once told me [and it really helped me]. Treat the step kids as if they were your students, not your children. Love them. Support them. Encourage them. Discipline them. Always be the adult. And don't expect anything back. It somehow took the hurt away when they had 'tantrums'.

Goodluck and it will be worth it in the end. Remember, eventually they leave home.

IMO, I think that your partner needs to support your values and house rules/dicipline a bit more. 14 is old enough to be able to understand that different house, different rules. Terrible age I know.

When DH and I were together, his girls would come over every fortnight. He 100% supported me when I diciplined or asked them to do something. Dads rules are different to mum's rules. They respect me 100% and I hardly have problems with them (although one is 12 going on 25!!!) Just usual teenage stuff.

I know it's a big adjustment to him, but it's also an adjustment for you too and you should feel comfortable in your own home when he is there. Your partner and you should not tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

Good luck with it all!

Geez, good luck with that! Do post back to this forum in the next few months, let us know how you're going... I have this to look forward to when my stepsons (4 + 6) get to that age!!!

Agree with the above post which says it's probably mainly a teenage boy thing, rather than a stepson thing. My cousin once remarked about her two little boys "I'll only know if I've done the right thing if they're still speaking to me at 25..." Might be worth casting an eye over some of Steve Biddulph's books to give you an idea about what's going on in the formulative male brain...

For teenage stepdaughters, I'm told that the self-help book "Princess Bitchface" is really useful....

Hi everyone, Thanks for the replys. Nothing has change much. Support i have from their father now. He is at a point with them where he has had enough. Their mother brought them both a laptop, so now the son spends every minute with us in his room on facebook. Only comes out to eat. The daughter is very when it suits her, year 12 for her this year.
We know we can't change anything,so we are just riding out the time. When they are older enough hopefully they will realise and come around and play fair. You would think they would be there at there age but hey.

Thanks everyone.