I want to take the silver spoon

And shove it up his father's bum!

My DS1 is down for a week to visit me with his dad.
For those of you that don't already know, my son lives with his dad in another state as has done since he was two due to my PND at the time that I left.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't eat. He'll get enthused about the upcoming meal then just sit and play with it and have a little nibble here and there and then declare that he hates it.
I have had a very rude awakening to his fathers idea of healthy aswell. I have been told constantly what a healthy eater he is and that they never have junk. Granted he'll go some cucumber, but he wont eat cheese unless it's 'plastic' and wont eat fresh berries "because they don't have sugar on them like we have at home". HUH??? And a myriad other things. Aaaaaargh. It's so sad listening to my son tell me that he hates it and we can just chuck it in the bin. "Dad just chucks it in the bin all the time". DF and I both grew up in poor families and to not eat your dinner was just not an option so we're both having a really hard time of this. I've tried all the 'tricks' I can think of (some kids don't have dinner, can't have dessert, no riding your bike if you don't finish etc etc) but it's met with the shrugging of shoulders by him and then his dad just tells him he can do what he likes "whatever you want mate".

He's also been taught that he can't lose. I tried playing snakes and ladders with him but as soon as I would get infront of him he'd throw a tantrum and quit playing. His dad just says to me "I told you he doesn't like to lose, you have to let him win", I finally snapped (calmly infront of the kids) at him and told him that if he doesn't start teaching his son that it is infact possible to lose games then his son is going to have a very miserable school life as EVERY child likes to win so it's best to teach him to lose graciously. I then made up a game that didn't involve winning or losing just luck no skill, pick a number on the dice then pick the number of how many times you think you'll have to roll it to get that number and see if it happens (I figured I could base it around luck and just do an "oh well, better luck next time" when it wasn't the right pick IYKWIM, a gentler way to see that 'losing' wasn't the end of the world), he was totally into it and after we'd been playing for ages his dad pipes up with "are you winning?" AAAAAAARRRRRGH!!

What a rave, thanks if you got this far! I guess it's turned out to be a massive vent. Any advice would be great.

And shove it up his father's bum!

My DS1 is down for a week to visit me with his dad.
For those of you that don't already know, my son lives with his dad in another state as has done since he was two due to my PND at the time that I left.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't eat. He'll get enthused about the upcoming meal then just sit and play with it and have a little nibble here and there and then declare that he hates it.
I have had a very rude awakening to his fathers idea of healthy aswell. I have been told constantly what a healthy eater he is and that they never have junk. Granted he'll go some cucumber, but he wont eat cheese unless it's 'plastic' and wont eat fresh berries "because they don't have sugar on them like we have at home". HUH??? And a myriad other things. Aaaaaargh. It's so sad listening to my son tell me that he hates it and we can just chuck it in the bin. "Dad just chucks it in the bin all the time". DF and I both grew up in poor families and to not eat your dinner was just not an option so we're both having a really hard time of this. I've tried all the 'tricks' I can think of (some kids don't have dinner, can't have dessert, no riding your bike if you don't finish etc etc) but it's met with the shrugging of shoulders by him and then his dad just tells him he can do what he likes "whatever you want mate".

He's also been taught that he can't lose. I tried playing snakes and ladders with him but as soon as I would get infront of him he'd throw a tantrum and quit playing. His dad just says to me "I told you he doesn't like to lose, you have to let him win", I finally snapped (calmly infront of the kids) at him and told him that if he doesn't start teaching his son that it is infact possible to lose games then his son is going to have a very miserable school life as EVERY child likes to win so it's best to teach him to lose graciously. I then made up a game that didn't involve winning or losing just luck no skill, pick a number on the dice then pick the number of how many times you think you'll have to roll it to get that number and see if it happens (I figured I could base it around luck and just do an "oh well, better luck next time" when it wasn't the right pick IYKWIM, a gentler way to see that 'losing' wasn't the end of the world), he was totally into it and after we'd been playing for ages his dad pipes up with "are you winning?" AAAAAAARRRRRGH!!

What a rave, thanks if you got this far! I guess it's turned out to be a massive vent. Any advice would be great.

You seem a bit harsh of your 5yr old. He is still really a babe. As for the eating. Just give him smaller servings.

As for the winning and losing that is pretty normal for his age. As for healthy eating. I can see your concerns but not much you can do when you are only seeing him for a week at a time. Could you just move close to your son so you can have more influence?

Have you thought that being with you for that week might be stressful to him and that he is not normally like that with his dad? Not having a go but maybe he is nerveous.

Remember he is only 5

My advice is this....just enjoy the week you have with him. You aren't going to cure his fussiness re: food or his desire to win every game he plays in that sort of timeframe so why waste that precious time getting frustrated with him? Focus on and enjoy all the other things that are involved in spending time with your DS.

My advice is this....just enjoy the week you have with him. You aren't going to cure his fussiness re: food or his desire to win every game he plays in that sort of timeframe so why waste that precious time getting frustrated with him? Focus on and enjoy all the other things that are involved in spending time with your DS.

I agree smile

How old is your son?

DD wastes food and it drives me nuts but thats what kids do,you can lead a horse to water kinda thing, if it was me i would not be making a fuss and just put glad wrap over it and put it back in teh fridge when he is hungry get it back out and offer it again, DD only eats the plastic kind of cheese aswell but ild rather just give her that and have her eating something as she gets nutrition and calcium and stuff from other kids of good foods that she eats like milk & yohgurt

I agree with the others,just enjoy your time smile

I think your DS's dad needs to wake up to himself. Letting a child win? What does that teach them? Letting them do what they want? Are there no boundaries? Any discipline for bad behaviour? That doesn't seem like very good parenting to me. Especially when your DS thinks it's the same way at your house. Sure he might be young, but surely he's old enough to understand these things?

Having grown up in a relatively poor family myself I hate seeing food wasted. So when my DD throws out an apple she screamed for, after only having a few bites she gets in trouble.

I think your right. Once he gets to school what then? This behaviour could turn him into a it's-my-way-or-the-highway type of problem child.

Perhaps a few words with your ex about the things that worry you might be the way to go? You shouldn't have to tiptoe around on eggshells when your own son comes to visit. What will happen when he's older? Better try to nip it in the bud now while he's still young and easy to mould.

Good luck with it!

I came from a poor family too and I teach my kids not to eat everything on their plate eat till you are full but there is no more food till next meal.

I think we all have a different approach to parenting, and I think you DS is happy and healthy so he not being parented wrong as such, it sounds as though you do not see him often and you have issues with his father anyway so both may cloud your judgement, I am not saying I agree with EX but really he is not doing anything wrong.... I have a friend exactly the same, I don't agree but its her kids....

at 5 learning to win and lose IS hard, my DD is almost 5 and sometimes she gets upset and it IS hard not to let her win, but she is learning and starting to really understand...

I would be trying to focus more on enjoying you rtime with him than trying to change him, as it will only go out the window if you don't see him often....

Like a PP said can you move closer? See him more often?

You seem like your expecting way too much. Like your expecting your son to be how you want him to be, but you haven't been around to raise him so you cant do that. Just enjoy him and have fun with him and do things that he wants to do. Remember you are the 'other parent' in this situation. Most of the time its the father in your situation and they just play with the kid and do what the kid suggests and just generally have fun. You cant fix anything and by trying to, all thats gonna happen is the boy doesnt want to see you cos your too hard on him. Just have fun with him.

I think that the winning thing is the same for most klds, esp the oldest kid and MOST esoecially for only children. I guess unless there is a way you can be more involved in his life, there is not much you can do but be thankful that he is happy and healthy and that you are on good enough terms with his dad that access is available, and that he is doing a good job as a parent - he clearly loves his son. Have you had much experience with 5 yr olds? They can come as a bit of a shock if you are not used to spending time with them...try and just focus on enjoying being eith him. If he doesn't want to eat his dinner, don't make a big deal about it - what will he remember of his visit with mum? She played games and was heaps of fun, or she tried to make me eat yucky food that I hate LOL...I know which I'd prefer. At least he eats berries, sugar or not - my DS1 would turn his nose up whether they had sugar or not! Ratbag lol.

Soooo, I had a big long really well written informative reply but a Huggies technical glitch ate it tongue happening a lot lately.

Here's the gist of it anyway.
We're broke, that's just how we live. We spent some money making sure he had a bike to ride when he got here, and a helmet of course. We spent some money buying the foods that his dad told me that he eats. We wanted his visit to be easy and fun for him. The bike ended up in the back of the camper van that ex has hired for the tour of Tassie that will mysteriously never eventuate, and it turns out (upon further questioning, and telling ex not to bullsh!t me) that he eats pasta with cheese sauce almost every night for dinner.
Tell me to enjoy my time with DS1 all you like, but it's hard with ex in my house interrupting any bonding or overriding anything I say with "do what you want mate".

Yes, I have plenty of experience with 5 year olds (and I was one once!), and I know they can be fussy and indecisive. It's hard watching him learn that he can get his own way no matter what. Whilst it would be great to be the 'fun' parent, I feel that I have a responsibility to teach him that he simply can't have everything he wants all the time. If I don't who will? Anyway, they're off looking at 'the waterfall', been gone for 5 hours now, hence the reason I've got the time for b!tchin'!!

I am sorry and I am NOT standing up for ex here..... but I am not sure how much you see him but you are not going to be able to change him in a week, it just won't happen, by all means have your own house rules but ex will still have his as he is entitled to...

and I don;t really understand why ex is still there taking him out??? I would be saying NO or you go to, I thought the purpose was to spend time with DS?>??