Stepmum since my son was a baby

Hi all, I have spent many hours looking for someone in a similar situation to mine but have had no luck! My husband and I got together when we were at college together and a girl that he had a very fleeting sexual relationship with ended up pregnant. He asked her if she was as he was suspect about her changing appearance in which she just laughed and him and told him no way. He reassured her that he'd be there if that was the case but she flat out denied that she was. Meanwhile myself and my husband (who had already been best friends for many years) ended up falling in love and began dating. A few weeks in he got a phone call that she had had a baby, it was his and she had him in pre-adoptive care. We fought very hard and my husband managed to keep him and we have been raising him ever since. We tried to foster a relationship with her but she was not interested for the first few years of our son's life. Then she came back on the scene with very well paid lawyers and long story short (and an exhausting round of mediation/ counselling/ court) we are now in a 50/50 care arrangement. (This started when our son was 4. He is now 6 and I feel so exhausted and conflicted as to my role with him. I'm mama to him and we just work as a family unit so well but the bio mum is constantly causing trouble and family psychologist says I need to stop viewing myself as a mum and pull back from him. So hard because he feels like my son! I'm expecting my second child (first birth!) and I'm just wondering if there are any other 'step parents' out there that just don't fit the usual template. It feels very lonely feeling like a mum and also feeling like I'm doing something wrong for feeling like a mum- if that makes any sense!

Sometimes, a mum isn't the person that birthed you, she's just what helped create you. A mum nurtures you and looks after you and loves you.

Hope you find people to relate to and can talk to ..... I can imagine your hurt after raising a child fully as your own then having someone come and take that.

thank you

Not sure if my story will help but I will tell anyway.

I left my ex when I was pregnant with my DS for fear that his abuse might cause me to lose the baby. he was present at the birth and stayed in hospital for the stay. He saw him also at his first bday but not since.

I met my now DH when DS was 10 months old. He is all our DS knows as a father figure and DH says he is his Daddy but the ex is his father. He really wants to look into legally adopting him as he doesnt see it any other way. I know that the courts dont like step parents adopting however.

My DH lives in fear every day that ex will come back on the scene and start demanding visits. DS is now 7yrs old. When we get some money up our belt we will approach ex about signing over all legal rights, if he refuses, we will go to court.

Gee your situation sounds horrible. You are your son's mum.. you were there from such a young age. You dont have to have conceived the child to be a childs mother/father!! If your DH hadnt stepped in in the beginning what hope would the ex have of getting this 50/50 visits. It all seems so unfair!!

Not sure if my story will help but I will tell anyway.

I left my ex when I was pregnant with my DS for fear that his abuse might cause me to lose the baby. he was present at the birth and stayed in hospital for the stay. He saw him also at his first bday but not since.

I met my now DH when DS was 10 months old. He is all our DS knows as a father figure and DH says he is his Daddy but the ex is his father. He really wants to look into legally adopting him as he doesnt see it any other way. I know that the courts dont like step parents adopting however.

My DH lives in fear every day that ex will come back on the scene and start demanding visits. DS is now 7yrs old. When we get some money up our belt we will approach ex about signing over all legal rights, if he refuses, we will go to court.

Gee your situation sounds horrible. You are your son's mum.. you were there from such a young age. You dont have to have conceived the child to be a childs mother/father!! If your DH hadnt stepped in in the beginning what hope would the ex have of getting this 50/50 visits. It all seems so unfair!!

Hey,
6 years and that's the closest story I've had to relate to since- thank you. It's amazing how much better you can feel just knowing you're not the only one. It does feel so unfair because I think if it was the other way around and the guy tried to step back in they wouldn't have nearly so many rights. I completely understand how your DH feels- that must be scary for sure. I always just say he's my son but it can get difficult sometimes and I hate reading any stepparent advice because it always starts with "you are not their mother- but you can have a different role" I know I'm not his mother officially but the other roles feel much too distant. We can't even look into me adopting any more since she's back in the picture I'm not allowed anywhere near her... even in psychology sessions for decisions around school etc. I have to be a mum in our home but no where else.

good luck with the rights, if he's been so distant he should have no reason to contest it unless he's vindictive. This sort of situation gives disgruntled ex's so much power it's very stressful! All the best

thankyou, we spoke to a lawyer when DS was about 3yrs old.. He said while ex is doing nothing to let it be. Then if he starts to try get in contact, go to court then. He would say no just to pi** us off!!

I hope you get the outcome you want. As much as the legal system doesnt recognise you as his mother, You are, You know it and if you love your son, he will know it too grin

deleted

Not sure if my situation is similar but I am in the same boat.
I left my ex when 3months pregnant(for my safety), and have been with my DH (who i've known for 2 years)for about 10 months now. DD who was born 3months prem is now 8months old. never met her bio father. he now has just popped up and wants shared custody. we have been told we must allow this. my DD has been told he has no rights... I have not been able to find anyone else that has been through this.

Wow that feels so familiar- I can't believe how close to our story that is. I think hardest thing for your DH is that you start to feel like the system is trying to push the two of you apart. Despite my hub never even spending time with his ex (aside from the obvious few nights) every counsellor we have been to and lawyer still try to set it up that they spend time together. When we went to the family psychologist I had to sit on another couch away from them and they were doing all they could to try and foster a parental relationship between these two people. It felt so sickening. My husband feels so manipulated and unnerved by this woman who is practically a sociopath and yet the system really feeds into her 6 year delusion that there is something still between them.

It must be so scary for you having to have this contact with the man and it's really hard having to give up the bond you have with your child in order to help a parent that has been nothing to child thus far make up for lost time (trust me this is what they will expect of you and your DH to do). Just strongly recommend that you reassure your DH that he is a parent. I believe that's the best for the child, not for the other 'parent', but for the child. Also just play the game as much as you can stomach but be your own family regardless as you know it at home, they can't touch you there. Also be careful with all the mediation etc- are you having to do this? Because I still think we ended up manipulated into a care arrangement that wouldn't have gone that way had we ended up in court. If your DH could get rights somehow? But who has that kind of fight in them-- my heart really goes out to you. Sorry if I'm presuming some of what your situation is but it's just a real relief to chat to someone in the same boat.

xxx best of luck

we haven't yet done mediation as the ex refuses so far. he just wants his demands to be agreed on between us, which I have refused, as I think mediation is best. the solicitor I had continually questioned my choice to re-partner and told me it was not in my child's best interest to do so. this has hurt my dh. it seams to be a battle that cant even be negotiated let alone won.

Hi,

I feel for you I really do.

I am a stepmother to my almost 8 yr old stepson. My Dh and I have been together since he was a baby and I feel very much a major part of his life. We have almost always had 50/50 care with him, but recently changed to us having him full time during the week and the bio mother having him weekends.

I feel very much like a parent and mum to him and he thinks the same of me. I am the one he goes to when there is problem or he wants to share something or tell me about his day.

I am also the one who toilet trained him, got him off the dummy, picked out his daycare, preschool and school and took him there every day, took him to swimming, soccer, attended concerts, dances, plays, gymnastics, you name it and I have done it with him.

It is very hard for bio parents out there to understand the connection you can have with a stepchild, and many (especailly professionals) just can't understand the major role you play in these children's lifes. You have just as many rights as the bio parents do, because you are the one raising that child!!

I now have two of my own children with DH and I can honestly say I treat them all the same and have a special place for each of them in my heart. I would fight to the death for all of them, especailly for stepson and I have had to in the past several times.

Thanks goodness after 5 years of the bio mother telling me to get out of her life and wanting nothing to do with me, she has finally realised how much I am part of her son's life and now we communicate daily about him and his needs. This has helped immensly as we can now all co-parent together and no-one feels left out. Everybody says he has 3 parents, including him.. we go to school interviews together, attend extracirricular stuff together and birthdays are done as one family unit. It is so hard sometimes, but worth it for the child.

I hope you can find peace in your situation... Don't listen to the professionals, I am a qualified social worker and one of my goals is to educate people and get stepparents more recongised in legal and mediation proceedings. You are all raising this child now.. and everyone needs to recognise this.

All I will say is that having your own child who you will have 100% control over the decisions in thier lives, does help with healing the pain of not always having control over your stepsons life.

Good luck, I know how hard it is.... and trust me there will really tough times ahead, stay strong as your family unit and feel confident in your ability to raise your children.

Feel free to message me anytime..I have a million stories that will probably relate to your situation!

Hi all, I have spent many hours looking for someone in a similar situation to mine but have had no luck! My husband and I got together when we were at college together and a girl that he had a very fleeting sexual relationship with ended up pregnant. He asked her if she was as he was suspect about her changing appearance in which she just laughed and him and told him no way. He reassured her that he'd be there if that was the case but she flat out denied that she was. Meanwhile myself and my husband (who had already been best friends for many years) ended up falling in love and began dating. A few weeks in he got a phone call that she had had a baby, it was his and she had him in pre-adoptive care. We fought very hard and my husband managed to keep him and we have been raising him ever since. We tried to foster a relationship with her but she was not interested for the first few years of our son's life. Then she came back on the scene with very well paid lawyers and long story short (and an exhausting round of mediation/ counselling/ court) we are now in a 50/50 care arrangement. (This started when our son was 4. He is now 6 and I feel so exhausted and conflicted as to my role with him. I'm mama to him and we just work as a family unit so well but the bio mum is constantly causing trouble and family psychologist says I need to stop viewing myself as a mum and pull back from him. So hard because he feels like my son! I'm expecting my second child (first birth!) and I'm just wondering if there are any other 'step parents' out there that just don't fit the usual template. It feels very lonely feeling like a mum and also feeling like I'm doing something wrong for feeling like a mum- if that makes any sense!

I am in the same situation.... My now husband and I had been dating for 2 weeks when he received a phone call to say his ex was pregnant.... so I have been there for the whole time, since before his now 4yo daughter was born. Her mother is a crazy bi@#h and we have to put up with so much crap.... I thought I was the only person in the world in this situation! sad

Hi chookster1985 and Mel!

I can't believe there are other people who know what it's like! I'm expecting my second baby now (will be my first biologically smile ) and I was a little bit frightened because people (especially the psychologists etc) kept saying that when I held my 'real' child in my arms i'd understand how my other little one isn't a child of mine. But I just can't imagine loving something even as much as I love our 6yr old boy let alone more! And I was reluctant to even have another child in case it did jeapordize the relationship I have with my stepson. But there is a feeling there that's a bit like- well at least they can't take this one off me! And at least no one will ever make me send it away!

I know my stepson is better off having his bio mum back in the picture now but it does hurt, being treated like a secondary figure in his life (by schools and other mums) when his bio mum is actually the one who had nothing to do with him the first few years of his life. She would hold him (the two times we ever got her to hold him) away from herself, he'd just scream when she went near him and even now she is extraordinarily aqwuard with him. The psychologists could see this and that's why they so frantically pushed for him to be back in her care, as there was clearly so little attachment. My hub gets the same treatment for being the dad in the picture and I just know people presume (with added lies spread by bio mum not helping) that I took my hub off her while she was pregnant- do you find that kind of judgement Mel? It's so hard to explain yourself without the whole story and it's not something you can really just launch into with people you just meet!

"This is my son, well not biologically, his mum put him in pre-adoptive care and (also a lie!) didn't know the baby was coming until she was giving birth and my husband (best friend to me but no relationship back then) only had slept with her a few times and they weren't in a relationship, then my husband fought for his rights as a father, we raised him until she changed her mind and now it's 50/50 after a hellishly long custody battle! " seems a little bit longer than "this is my stepson".

So I just say "my stepson" and then get that feeling that I shouldn't be in the picture/ at that interview/ talking to that parent. It's really really hard. And bio mum races in there, she has not dated since she slept with my dh and it seems that her whole focus is on playing games and being the first one to get the notice from school etc... She has so much energy just pouring into hating us and making our lives miserable, it's alarming. I can't believe how many teachers have so little empathy towards our situation, we do separate interviews because bio mum is so competitive that the interview ends up horrible and not about the child anymore. It's exhausting. I hope and pray so much that she will find someone new to love and just move on, and be a co parent, because really, there isn't actually any reason for things not to be civil. But I almost wonder if she is slightly psychopathic in the way she continually lies, and plays games 24/7- she likes it when there's drama sad

Anyway good to hear at least one of you guys have managed to get something calm together, I so wish for peace.
xx