How would you tackle this..

My DD#1 is my daughter from a previous relationship. We met my DH when she was just 2yrs and he has been living with us since. We also have 2 children together.

My DD has just turned 10 and I have been having problems with behaviour and thoughts that are not normal for her.

She was told that she was going to her dads on her birthday night because it was his weekend and then because his plans changed he said that he couldnt pick her up until the next day. Normally it would be fine with her and she would be happy to have a birthday moment with him the next day. This time she got very upset and very angry and said that she wanted to be with her dad for her birthday and wanted to have her birthday with us the day before. She then went on to say that she wished that everyone could do the birthday thing with her together and how it wasnt fair. I felt a little shocked because she has never done this before and ended up arranging it so that she could be with him for the night and I would look after her in the morning so he could go to work.

Today she asked if she would be with us for christmas day or not and told me how she had made a card for my DH with his name on it not dad as she usually puts and went on to tell me that that was because he is not her dad.

She then went on to tell me about a dream she had where I died and she went to her dads, and he looked after her by himself because his wife had died. Then my DH died too so our other kids went to live with him too because there was no-one to look after them.

She goes to her dads every second weekend when he can have her and has a good relationship with her but he isnt trust worthy and he smokes drugs- though he tells me he doesnt anymore- and he has a problem with lying. My DD has always loved her dad but has always been happy with her place in our family and has never hero worshiped her dad.... I dont know if I like this new thing, he isnt really someone I would want my DD to aspire to be like. I am not sure what to do, apart from bury my head in the sand and pretend it isnt happening laugh

could it be that another child at school is say "DH isn't your real dad" I know at that ages kids can start to become a bit mean without meaning too.
Or maybe she's seen something about dads etc
I know I went through fazes of wanting to be with mum and then others wanting to be with dad - but they didn't separate until I was 13.
Or it could be something as simple as she's missing her dad and maybe wants to see him a bit more.
I'd say she's just trying to figure everything out as she will be looking at everything differently now to what she would of say 2 years ago as her views of the world would be changing.
She probably won't end up wanting to be like him, I figured out what my dad was like at about 16 and stopped talking to him.
Hope some of this makes sense to you smile

wub My friend has just gone throught this with her ten year old. She had a bee in her bonnet about wanting to live with Dad....my friend let her go and now it seems she may be back next year. The grass always seems to be greener on the other side...perhaps your daughter may be hormonal also and start menstruating (if she isn't already).
My daughters always wondered about their father, I never bad mouthed him to them and it paid off i guess you could say...i also let them go and live with him and they came back. They found out for themselves what he is truley like.
good luck with it all, it's not easy but you'll get through it.

Yeah I was wondering if maybe she was trying to 'find her place' and if someone at school had said something to her.

Her and my DH have been clashing a bit too so I thought that maybe a talk to DH may be in order...

It is good to know that you realised that your dad wasn't the best role model. That is one of my worst fears for my DD. I have tryed so hard to make her life one that has different values to her dad. I suppose I should have chosen boyfriends better wink

OOps this is an answer to Nadz smile

wub My friend has just gone throught this with her ten year old. She had a bee in her bonnet about wanting to live with Dad....my friend let her go and now it seems she may be back next year. The grass always seems to be greener on the other side...perhaps your daughter may be hormonal also and start menstruating (if she isn't already).
My daughters always wondered about their father, I never bad mouthed him to them and it paid off i guess you could say...i also let them go and live with him and they came back. They found out for themselves what he is truley like.
good luck with it all, it's not easy but you'll get through it.

She has been a bit more highly strung lately, I have been noticing a few signs of hormone fluctuations. I know that she would never get to live at his house which is good, his wife really doesn't like my DD to the point that she will not let her get up in the morning until her dad gets up which apparently sometimes is 10 roll eyes

I am kind of glad now that she is a b@#!h, at least I know my DD is safe here with me, her dad does not think about things. We ended up a few years ago at the lawyers because he had an arguement with hie wife and decided to take my DD with him to a house of a convicted phedophile(sp) and get drunk in the garage with the man while my DD was being looked after by someone. Anything could have happened... he is damned lucky it didnt!

I think, tackle it around the ankles and tickle the situation.

This is just something that was bound to happen.
Just two years earlier than i personally thought.
Best you can do is continue to assure her you and your partner love and support her. No matter even if she acts out.
Most kids from seperated familys at one stage want their biological parent that they dont live with more than the one they do. It's a stage that may or may not pass.
Your girl sounds worried about the future, and is sensing a bit of out of placeness at the moment.
Even if this is not like her usually, this is the age where shes pre-pubescent and heading towards hormonal overload with teenagehood. The worlds not a simple childish place for her any more.

Her father sounds like my sons. And i have no doubt i will be dealing with this same thing in a few years time.

Isnt it a shame that the logical mummy thinking doesn't kick in before conception wink I know for myself if it did I definalty wouldn't have this problem with the less than desirable daddy. laugh

He actually just came over to pick her up and we had a talk to her together about how important she is to both of her families and had a talk about what was happening at christmas. So he isn't that bad and he really does care, I just wish that he could make better choices.

YOU JUST HAD 3 THREE CHEESE BURGERS, A COKE AND CHIPS!?!? blink laugh

Thanks wink, right back at ya grin

I agree with Skip, with you as her mum she'll be steered in the right direction. I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

I agree with Skip, with you as her mum she'll be steered in the right direction. I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

Thanks! smile you guys are great!!!

I try my best to be a good mummy.

Hi Dansally,

That must be really hard for you all. sad
I just thought I would throw in my 2 cents in case its relevant.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and we spent every friday night at dads and then every second weekend for the whole weekend. I loved dad (and mum and stepdad) and never went through the wanting to live with the opposite. What I did have was an upheaval every single week. So every friday when all the other kids went home and played on their commodore 64 and started relaxing, I had to get my brothers ready and catch the bus to dads house where we stayed so it was fair to both parents. Even though it was normal and we always did it, it was actually really disruptive and it was like we were always unsettled. It may be similar for your dd, especially if she has siblings that get to stay home. I know I used to get really annoyed when my mum and stepdad had takeaway whenever we weren't there - I felt as though I were missing out, perhaps she is in a similar boat. Just thought I would throw it out there in case its part of it. Hope she settles soon.
xxx