Stepdaughter

Hi There

I need some advice on my 8 1/2 year old stepdaughter for my sake and her dads my hubby.

First off i need to state our living situation so it all makes sense.
She lives with her mum in NZ full time. We moved to Australia when she was 5 years old - before then it was 50/50 shared custody. We see her up to four times a year ( we pay for her to come over )sometimes back to back visits and we phone her twice a week. Hubby and his ex wife do not have a good relationship - in fact they don't even speak!!!!

Just recently dd has developed a major attitude and maybe even resentment towards us. We saw her in January for 3 weeks where she was an utter nightmare and last week on the phone didn't even wanna chat to us - cut us off.

We are not sure why the change in behaviour - maybe her age, we do have another baby on the way ( we already have one )maybe the new school year - new teacher and class, maybe her mother's strong influence and the fact she has issues regarding us. We really don't know but what we do want to know is what should we do about this!!!!!

We thought maybe we should back off a bit and stop chasing her. Cut back her visits and phone calls. She doesn't seem to appreciate the work we put into keeping her involved as much as we can from a far. I don't even know if she wants to be here like she use to or even wants to hear from us as much as she does?!!! She doesn't act like it.

Or is this the worst thing we could do. We are not giving up on her or turning our backs on her but does she have it too good with us? She has become pretty spoilt, entitled and unappreciative towards us and what we offer her, Not just material items but love and time.

We tried to discuss her behaviour and attitude with his x but she's not interested. So it's hard for us to pin point what's wrong.

So what should we do, give her her space and hopefully if it's her age she will release we are not going to put up with the attitude or risk a wedge been created???

Cheers if anyone has some ideas or advice xo

Hi There

I need some advice on my 8 1/2 year old stepdaughter for my sake and her dads my hubby.

First off i need to state our living situation so it all makes sense.
She lives with her mum in NZ full time. We moved to Australia when she was 5 years old - before then it was 50/50 shared custody. We see her up to four times a year ( we pay for her to come over )sometimes back to back visits and we phone her twice a week. Hubby and his ex wife do not have a good relationship - in fact they don't even speak!!!!

Just recently dd has developed a major attitude and maybe even resentment towards us. We saw her in January for 3 weeks where she was an utter nightmare and last week on the phone didn't even wanna chat to us - cut us off.

We are not sure why the change in behaviour - maybe her age, we do have another baby on the way ( we already have one )maybe the new school year - new teacher and class, maybe her mother's strong influence and the fact she has issues regarding us. We really don't know but what we do want to know is what should we do about this!!!!!

We thought maybe we should back off a bit and stop chasing her. Cut back her visits and phone calls. She doesn't seem to appreciate the work we put into keeping her involved as much as we can from a far. I don't even know if she wants to be here like she use to or even wants to hear from us as much as she does?!!! She doesn't act like it.

Or is this the worst thing we could do. We are not giving up on her or turning our backs on her but does she have it too good with us? She has become pretty spoilt, entitled and unappreciative towards us and what we offer her, Not just material items but love and time.

We tried to discuss her behaviour and attitude with his x but she's not interested. So it's hard for us to pin point what's wrong.

So what should we do, give her her space and hopefully if it's her age she will release we are not going to put up with the attitude or risk a wedge been created???

Cheers if anyone has some ideas or advice xo

Hi

Its not at all helpful (although in a lot of cases unavoidable) that the parents dont get along. As hard as it is those two need to put their differences aside for the sake of their child. They dont have to like eachother but they do have to hide that from their daughter, it will do nothing but hurt her.

I think that you need to maintain strong contact and do not reduce the amount of calls or visits, she's just a small child and to her that will be rejection and will create a big wedge in the relationship. Its very confusing for a kid that age to have separated parents and do the whole visit thing, what you have to do is build the relationship with her and be consistent and patient. Be positive with her, be loving and show an interest. When she visits make her part of the family, keep a special room for her, if you cant do that then set up a special area for her that is the same each time she comes (ie special doona cover that is hers, a fluffy toy, things like that that show she has a place in your home too). Might be possible that one call a week might be enough though but dont cut back on visits. When you call dont expect too much from her, sometimes they want to talk, sometimes they dont - keep it light.

You might want to reassess visits, 3 weeks away from her mum at age 8 is too long and that might be why she was so difficult, she just cant cope with such a long time away. I'd arrange her visits so that they are for one week at a time and perhaps one visit a year that is two weeks. In the space of a week that's enough time for her to cope being away from home and have fun and then go home on a high note.

All the best, its a tricky situation. If you cant stop her mum being negative, the only thing you can do is not respond and when you talk about her Mum you should only be positive or not talk about her at all. When she's with you, you also need to let her know that if she wants to she can call her mum to say hello. Another idea might be to get a postcard that she can write and post to her mum, it will do wonders for her to know that you dont feel badly about her mum... and for her to know that she can maintain her connection to her mum when she's with you.

maybe a trip for your hubby over to see her next time? so she can show dad the the places she likes going to at home and she may feel less out of her comfort zone (even though shes been coming to you since she was 5 it seems like a long way a long time away from mum for an 8 year old) maybe shes starting to struggle with the seperate lives if that makes any sense, hard when her mum won't help you out. sorry I don't have any experience with this but thats what I thought of, good luck xx!

Thanks for the advice girls.

Yes i believe cutting back the visits plus phone calls wasn't the best idea and knowing her personality ( i think she's a little insecure ) it's the last thing she needs. I do believe she needs to know whats right and wrong tho with whatever she is going thru and there is no need for the attitude.

Hubby has tried desperately to get his ex to communicate and she just won't. We no it's not beneficial for dd but if she won;t talk what else can we do????

She gets a lot of time, attention, affection and love when here. She certainly doesn't go without.

DD is use to the travel and spends a lot of time away from her Mum. We did realise while here in Jan 3 weeks is too long and 2 weeks is not long enough so we are now looking at 2 1/2 weeks.As you can understand cost is also an issue. Financially it doesn't make sense to may $600 for a flight and only have her for a week,we try to make the most out of longer stay rather than having to have her back just a short time after and fork out another $600. She has a cellphone so gets to talk to her Mum whenever she pleases while here - her Mum really pushes this too. We head home next Jan to see her rather than her coming over in the heat of the summer.

Hi Lulu

This is fairly long. I apologise in advance. smile

My situation was different - the child was my niece. To give a little bit of history, I was very involved in her life until she was 5, then moved interstate. DH and I went back regularly for visits, and arranged for her to visit us, too. When she was 8, her Dad (my brother) died.

When she was around the same age as your stepdaughter, she 'changed'. Sound familiar? wink

I was pregnant with my first baby, and my darling niece all of a sudden didn't seem to want anything to do with me. sad She was staying with me for a visit - had done that quite often before - but was rude and unhelpful. She didn't want to talk to me. She spent a lot of time in her room, which she had never done before.

I let it go for a couple of days, but then it got too much for me and I asked her outright why she was behaving as she was. Her answer was, "Daddy's dead, and you're having a baby. Who's going to love me now?"

I was utterly shocked. All her negative behaviour was to reject me before I rejected her. Maybe your stepdaughter feels that she is being replaced? Not to say that you are making her feel that way, but she's more aware of things now than she would have been a couple of years ago.

BTW, my niece is now 14. Everything worked out fine once we had a long talk, and we have a great relationship. smile

Yes possibly the news of a new arrival is affecting her more than we know. She already has some issues that she shouldn't have to deal with 8. At the end of the day she doesn't like that we live so far away and she wishes the one parent she is with full time would spend more time with her.

I also keep forgetting she is getting older now and can realise's more.