When is it OK?

This is probably going to be a long one, so you might wanna grab a coffee and get comfy...

It's all good I'll wait...

You back? Awesome smile

Well, here's the reader's digest of the situation:

Girl meets boy... girl is horrified by boy's disgusting family but is "in love" and tries not to let it bother her. Girl drops out of uni to have boy's baby. Boy turns out to be abusive, lying cheating alcoholic. Girl (stupidly) forgives boy over and over and continues relationship for a total of 5 years. Girl has 2nd baby, finally gets up the courage to leave boy.

Girl struggles for 2+ years. Finally manages to get decent house, DD settled in school, starts relationship with man who treats her like a human being instead of property / punching bag. Girl falls unexpectedly pregnant, moved to be closer to man, but both agree not to force a relationship and remain separate for the time being.

You with me so far? Told you it was a long one smile Don't worry, I'm getting to the point...

I've always said I would never stop DD and DS from seeing their father and his family. It took me a long time to allow him overnight access, but now that he is working full time, drinking less and in a stable relationship with someone responsible I'm finding myself looking forward to their weekends there (rare... maybe once every 2-3 months) as they give me a break.

The problem is his sister who doesn't seem to understand boundaries at all. She has ABSOLUTELY no life of her own and seems to think she has "rights" to my kids.

She is constantly asking to have them for a week over the holidays etc. But in times when I have allowed this in the past, she has not looked after them at all. She has left them alone with her father who is VERY sick, needing constant oxygen and is frequently rushed to hospital in a critical condition. He should really be in full time care himself (but this chick won't allow it as she'll lose her carer's payment and *gasp* have to get a job) so how is he a fit carer for (at the time) a toddler and a preschooler?

They're also frequently coming home sick, DD had a severe case of diarrhoea last time she stayed there and (deducing from the time line she gave me) had had it for at least 4 days, with no treatment and eating nothing but fruit loops and kfc. She ended up having a GI bleed because this numpty is too stupid to realise that runny poo = sick child in need of fluids and "tummy friendly" foods NOT fatty fried chicken and sugary cereal!!!

Anyway, Ex DP came over on the weekend to visit the kids (no drama, we get along well and he'd called to arrange it) and brought over bags of stuff from "Aunty" ... a heap of stuff she's crocheted, some presents from the op shop (I'm an op-shopper myself, but I love hunting for a bargain... something cute and in good condition. These ppl just buy bags of crap and think they're helping) and some Easter eggs.

Sounds nice and I don't mean to be unappreciative, but now I have a house full of cheap disgusting chocolate, $2 shop toys and FUGLY blankets that I really DON'T want. She also sent over knitted socks which have been the cause of at least 3 slip-and-falls on the kitchen tiles. I WANT THEM GONE! At 36 weeks pg, I'm having enough trouble keeping a household running by myself with 2 kids... the last thing I need is a heap of crap and a child with a split skull!!!

I guess the last straw was ExDP announcing that she's making a blanket for the new baby and they're all planning to come and see me in hospital and "want to take the kids off my hands" for the first week of the holidays (a week after bub is due). The thought of it just made my skin crawl. Have tolerated his family because I feel it's important for the kids to have a relationship with both sides, but they're being really intrusive and I feel I can't say anything because they THINK they're being helpful.

Now I really am getting to the point

I know... I said that last time, but I'm almost done, I promise!

I just want them to back off without seeming mean and ungrateful, but the more I try the harder they push to be in the kids lives. I understand where thwy are coming from and don't want to cut them off altogether, but I feel I'm running out of options. Why should I have to accommodate them at the expense of my own happiness and (in the case of sleepovers there) how can I tell them I feel they're risking my children's health and safety without it creating tension b/w myself and their dad, and causing a major rift that the kids end up feeling stuck in the middle of? If that makes sense?

Sorry for the novel... I'm done nnnnnnn... now smile

I think you need to tell them the truth, they may not like it but has i always say the truth is better than telling a lie.

You know if you keep bottlen this up you're going to exploded.

They need to know that you have rules & what you say goes.

It's good that they want to spend time with them.

Plus you don't need this stress at all.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek ok my situation was very similar to yours. I'll try keep this short...

My son is from another man, I had him when I was very young, we were both teenagers. Anyway his family are the pitts, he was into drugs, he cheated on me and then he was killed in a car crash when DS was 3 months old.

DS's dad came from a broken home, he had no stability and his dad never really gave a rats arse about him. But his dad still thought he could have my son whenever he wanted, which didn't sit well with me! DS used to go there for weekends. The one time he came home STINKING! His hair was dirty, his feet were BLACK! I asked him when they had given him a bath, he said they hadn't. Apparently the one night they had a huge party with drinking etc. and he went to bed really late.

Anyway My point is the one time I said something I got such an abusive text back from DS's grandfather that I was actually crying and shaking. I never said anything again, I just never let DS sleep over. I'd let him go for a few hours and that was it.

We now live thousands of km's away, I am originally from South Africa and you know how many times DS's grandfather has tried to get hold of him or send him a message? NONE. NOT ONCE!

So I'm glad they are out of his life! I suppose that doesn't really answer your questions really. Personally I think their dad is ok, I think the aunt maybe u need to keep them away from iykwim? Good luck, I know its hard!

Hi, Kat. I feel for you sad I have been in a similar situation, although nowhere near as bad.

Readers digest version - I separated from my childrens' father a week before I found out I was expecting DD. So I know just how hard it is to be a heavily pregnant single mum. sad My kids don't spend time with their father, by his choice. But like you, I have never wanted to exclude his family from their lives. My ex-SIL is not able to have children, so my kids are it.

My IL's were very pushy too. My MIL was always talking about 'when DS1 comes to stay with her' and 'I've set up a bedroom for him at my place'. When I was nearly due with DS2, she and my SIL started talking about how they were going to have BOTH boys stay with them for the first week after I got home from hospital so I could have a break. blink Short version: DS1 is 5 and SIL has seen him all of 10 times in his life!

Like you, I put up with it to keep the peace. I didn't let them take my boys, but I didn't say anything. Just 'maybe', 'one day', 'we'll see'. You know the drill.

Once ex-DH and I split, I felt freer, for want of a better word. I wasn't impolite, I just said that I felt the need to keep my boys close to me and that MIL and FIL are always welcome to visit, but that they would need to come to our home. I was expecting resistance, but quite honestly, nobody ever argued. gasp And for the past 18 months, they have visited every week. They have been pleasant and helpful and my relationship with them is far better than when I was married to their son.

Wow - that's the reader's digest version? blink Sorry grin

My advice to you is to be honest and firm, but not hurtful. Thank your SIL politely, and then dump the crap. The clothes, chocolate, socks, blankets, whatever. Tell them that you will let them know when you are feeing up to visitors in the hospital. I allowed my MIL and FIL to visit on the second day, but it was their grandchild. Your baby is no relation to these people, so if you don't want them to visit that's your choice. Although in my experience, a short visit in hospital, terminated by a helpful midwife grin is easier than having them in your home.

Don't allow them to take your girls for a week. Your baby may not even be born yet! Just say that you want to have your family all together, and that you want the girls to have a chance to bond with their new sibling. You don't want them to feel replaced - make the IL's see that their offer is NOT helpful.

I know you feel bad because they are trying to help. Don't shove it back in their faces, just take what is helpful to you - sleepovers with their father for instance - and politely refuse or discard anything that makes your life harder. smile

Sorry for the novel, too! lol

Thanks all for trudging through my ginormous post and taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it wub

You know if you keep bottlen this up you're going to exploded.

I did... sort of. That's what prompted the post. Was having one of "those mornings" running late, broke a glass, cut myself etc. and DD was in my ear about going to visit (constant take away and sugar combined with rooms full of toys, austar and little adult supervision... what kid would want to go there??).

I just snapped and told her to get off my case and they won't be going there because Aunty is too stupid to look after children! I felt horrible afterward and explained to DD that if she had a little girl she loved very much who kept getting sick and wasn't being looked after she'd be upset too etc. She was ok about it all but it made me realise how much stress it's actually putting on me and it's not fair at all for her to cop it like that.

We now live thousands of km's away, I am originally from South Africa and you know how many times DS's grandfather has tried to get hold of him or send him a message? NONE. NOT ONCE!

So I'm glad they are out of his life! I suppose that doesn't really answer your questions really. Personally I think their dad is ok, I think the aunt maybe u need to keep them away from iykwim? Good luck, I know its hard!

Hmmm... leaving the country DOES sound appealing smile

I agree with keeping them away from Aunt, but I'm worried about it causing dramas / tension with their dad and that'd be worse than gritting my teeth and dealing with the Aunt's crap iykwim?

Once ex-DH and I split, I felt freer, for want of a better word. I wasn't impolite, I just said that I felt the need to keep my boys close to me and that MIL and FIL are always welcome to visit, but that they would need to come to our home. I was expecting resistance, but quite honestly, nobody ever argued. gasp And for the past 18 months, they have visited every week. They have been pleasant and helpful and my relationship with them is far better than when I was married to their son.

My advice to you is to be honest and firm, but not hurtful. Thank your SIL politely, and then dump the crap. The clothes, chocolate, socks, blankets, whatever. Tell them that you will let them know when you are feeing up to visitors in the hospital. I allowed my MIL and FIL to visit on the second day, but it was their grandchild. Your baby is no relation to these people, so if you don't want them to visit that's your choice. Although in my experience, a short visit in hospital, terminated by a helpful midwife grin is easier than having them in your home.

Don't allow them to take your girls for a week. Your baby may not even be born yet! Just say that you want to have your family all together, and that you want the girls to have a chance to bond with their new sibling. You don't want them to feel replaced - make the IL's see that their offer is NOT helpful.

I know you feel bad because they are trying to help. Don't shove it back in their faces, just take what is helpful to you - sleepovers with their father for instance - and politely refuse or discard anything that makes your life harder. smile

I like the idea of not wanting to separate them from the baby so they don't feel replaced. Problem is I have given them every excuse under the sun and they just don't "get it". When I say no she gets in ExDP's ear and whinges to him and then I have him in the middle relaying messages. I think I'm going to have to be firm and get it sorted once and for all (so I don't go insane) I just don't know how to make it clear to them without being downright rude and nasty.

Just a little thought I wanted share. I think you get away with a few home truths far more now, when you are heavily pregnant and full of horomones than any other time.
If it doesn't go down the way you want, then you can always blame the hormones.