PND or depression in Men

Hi,

I am really just looking for advise on PND or depression in Men once babies arrive. A bit on my background... six weeks ago my DF walked out on me and our now 10 month old son. He says that he has been unhappy in the relationship and does not think he ever loved me, which I no is not true. He also is struggling to see any of the good times we ever had. He has also been different with our son. He tells me that our DS is the most important thing to him but he does not show it.

Prior to this happening I had noticed that DF had not bonded that well with our son. Our son is a mummies boy and he only wants me especially when he gets over tired or sick. My DF struggled with this and I new it got to him. When I was pregnant he was so excited and happy and got involved in everything to do with the impending arrival. Once the baby was here he was also very attentive for the first few weeks but then I noticed that things changed. Our son was not easy, and cried non stop for the first 8 weeks and has still never slept through the night.

We went away a few months ago and I noticed that my DF was getting angry that we could no long do the things we had enjoyed as a couple such as nice meals out etc as we had to take DS with us. At the time I had thought that was odd as DF had never been an angry person and no I wonder if it was a sign that things were getting too much.

DF is currently living with his parents and is seeing our son a few times a week. However when he takes our son around there he pretty much leaves it up to his parents to interact with him.

Before DF deciding to leave we had discussed the possibility of either of us suffering from PND and DF said that he had looked into it but did not think that was the problem. He said that he can deal with his issues himself and does not need to talk to anyone as he does not feel there is anything wrong.

DF is not acting like himself and he no longer appears to have the values that were important to him for so long. Whilst I would love to save my relationship this is not my main concern as I really want our son to have a good relationship with his father. I really feel there is a deeper issue going on in his head and I do not know what I can do to help him.

Could there be a possibility that he is suffering from depression or PND, if so is there anything I can do to help or do I have to just wait around and hope that he will get through this on his own.

Thanks

It does sound like a form of pnd. I say a form of because I can see certain things about it that is causing this... and depression in general is usually either circumstantial or a chemical imbalance in the brain.

For your dp I'd guess circumstantial. (obviously I've never met him and can only go on the info here, so its best to encourage him to see an expert).

It does sound like he hasn't bonded with your son... its hard for men in the early baby months because they usually do need mum more. It's when they get older and dad becomes this awesome play thing and can ask either mum or dad for what they want that some dads feel really needed by their kids. In your case if he is feeling rejected this will cause him a sense of loss and resentment toward his old life where he felt he had more freedom and lack of responsibility.

However..... life changes. It's in-escapable. If we never gained responsibility or added children/relationships to our lives we would feel a great void. So it depends on a persons outlook on life. We can either look back and feel regret, or we can embrace change and work out how we can make the most out of our circumstances for maximum enjoyment. It's also about lifestyle. If your dp is anything like your average aussie man, prehaps he doesnt pay much attention to his diet and excercise. A good diet & a bit of exercise, even a 30 min walk a day is a proven way to release feel good endorphins in your brain.

Also.... Having a goal in life has been proven to be a necessity to happiness. It's a fact that people that have no goal or purpose to their lives will get depression. We need to feel worth something, and to be able to work toward something that will bring satisfaction.

For your dp I'd recommend seeing a psychologist. They are someone to talk to, and help immensely by explaining why you feel the way you do. Understanding our feelings is the first step to being able to deal with the problem.

I have done my own research on psychology as I've struggled with my own problems over the years, and I can really promise that knowledge is power over ourselves! Men especially get funny over suggesting to see a psychologist, but I think thats more to do with not understanding what theyre all about, and being labelled as a crack fruit. So you can tell him... a psychologist is like a guidance councillor and someone to chat to. Its the psychiatrists that deal with mental illness and medicating people.

Thanks chalys + 1 for your reply. I have been thinking about it for a while especially since he left and just really wanted to explore if there could be more behind my situation.

I agree that if he is suffering from a form of PND it would be a result of the circumstances. Since we conceived there has been alot of changes in our lifes, new job, moved towns, bought a house, loss of income, added pressure on him becoming the sole income earner etc etc along with this came our amazing son. I think I have accepted that life changes but I think because he has not really bonded with our son and seen how amazing he is he is looking back and is really struggling with the added responsibility. This has become very apparent in his actions since splitting. It is like he is trying to relive his youth again with no added responsibilities. He is also a very proud person and I have a feeling he will be feeling guilty for not having that bond with our son. He is not a person that talks about his feeling, to the point he had not discussed walking away from his family with anyone before he did it.

I would love for him to talk to a professional but like I said we are not together now and whilst I have suggested it and so has his family he feels that there is nothing wrong with him. If only he could take a step back and look out how he is acting he might change his mind.

I just hope that he can see there is a problem and deal with it for the sake of our son.

Who knows maybe I am just looking for a reason as to why my relationship has fallen apart but the more I have read about PND things seem to make sense. Like you I have done alot of reading and looking into things and do not see any harm in him talking to someone to help him explain his feelings.

He knows I am there for him and will support him with anything so I am not sure if there is anything more I can do.

Maybe you could write down everything you have noticed and give it to him... and just let him know you are not being spiteful, you're just genuinely concerned about him and want to help.