So we've had to up the dosage a little and I know it should start taking effect sometime this week but ugggggghhh. It just feels like as soon as I think I'm going to be okay, another obstacle comes my way. Maybe I have like some kind of bad karma effect on the world around me eg. when I start feeling good, everything around me goes to **** and drags me back into it.
And I keep telling myself that I deserve to be happy and healthy and I owe it to my kids to give them my best, but it's incredibly hard to not feel guilty about everything. The thoughts keep popping into my head that I'm worthless and everyone will be better off without me. I know it's not the case but that's how I feel.
I keep thinking that somehow all these bad things are because of me. Like I had this bad dream about not being able to reach my sister in-law's baby, and I didn't tell anyone about it but just the other day she was posting on facebook about this awful dream she had that she couldn't get to her newborn. She's pregnant atm and due in June sometime. And I just think, if something bad happens to her or the baby, it's going to be my fault somehow, for not saying something or for not being in touch with her enough or somehow the blame will fall on me. And I've been thinking about my big brother and his wife and their little one quite often the past few days, and this morning my mum called me and told me that my brother had vomitted and fainted and been rushed to hospital, where he became violent and was very disorientated, to the extent that they've had to sedate him. My brother has always been very strong and never peeped about a little cold, he only ever spoke up if he was really really really sick, so this comes as a bit of a shock. And I can't help but feel that it's my fault, maybe because I was thinking about him so much, it's brought misfortune over him and his family.
I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. The only thing that has stopped me from doing something irreversible is the fact that I believe I haven't fulfilled my purpose on this earth. To raise my kids to the glory of God, to teach them the Way, to help others who are in need and share God's love. And through it all I have this sickness that's just latched onto me like a parasite and it keeps putting these thoughts and feelings that contrast my beliefs and faith into my head. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
I feel like I'm tearing up on the inside but I can't cry because I feel numb through the pain. I have this 'everything is fine' mask on and I'm even able to build puzzles and draw pictures with my ds1, and I'm going over to a friend's house in another hour and she has no idea I have PND, and it's just like I'm able to smile and talk and keep calm but there's no emotion behind it. I don't feel calm, I don't feel like talking, all I want to do is stop existing.
I'm finding this really hard. sad
Angel 2002; Keira-Caitlyn 15/01/07; Callum 27/02/09; Seth 29/06/2011