Feeling down...

Not looking for replys just need to get it out...

My partner and I have 4 beautiful children together, DP has a good job, we have a roof over our heads & are all relatively healthy -All of which I am very grateful for..

But I am finding myself feeling so down and crappy lately. sad
I guess you could say already 2012 has been a rough year for us...
DP's brother passed away beginning of January and my mum passed away early February , DS was born & diagnosed with a heart condition mid February, dd3s health has been rocky and just last week I lost my close friend to cancer.
I don't have any close family or friends around and feel so alone.. -I have tried talking to DP but he doesn't seem to understand.

Im barely out of the house especially since DS arrival. The house is a mess and as soon as I've cleaned up one thing, there's something else to clean! The washing is piling up and at some point I need to get the groceries..
I feel like I'm always the one to be feeding, bathing and dressing the children. Yes dp works during the week and is often tired when he comes home but even on the weekends he doesn't help much..
I worried about having a 4th but DP was all for it, promising to help with everything... -I don't regret DS at all, I love him SO much but it wasn't entirely my idea for a 4th and I feel like I'm doing it alone. I don't know what to do.. sad
I get so angry and annoyed at the smallest thing and cry over anything.. -Just tonight dd3 refused to eat her meal, spitting and throwing her food at me and I just cried..

I love all my children so much, more than life itself and wouldn't trade them for anything but I feel like I'm failing as their mother...
I don't spend any time with them because I'm always so tired trying to keep up with everything and feel like they're missing out..

And now here I am blabbering on about such silly problems. sorry

Just wanted to give you a big hug through the screen whilst reading this.

Have you told your dp about him promising to help more and he's not living up to his end of the bargain?

When our little ones are young it's so hard, and your situation is compounded by an illness and so many deaths recently. Falling into depression has been an option for myself many times, and it has been an effort to not go there. But keeping the house relatively tidy helps. And forgoing perfection is needed. I never let washing pile up. Hang all the kids and my clothes to dry then just put them away, I never iron. Then it's just the little stuff to fold. I try to shop (when my husband was here at night) at times when I only have few kids. Like when your DD's are at kindy. Can you do online maybe?

I have stopped stressing about my kids eating too. They either eat what's in front of them or they miss a meal. They won't starve to death.

And soon maybe you can do something just for you. Gym, a class, pedicure, hairdo???

Hope it gets better soon...

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. It sound like you have pnd. I can relate to your situation. Last year when dd2 was 3 months old I was diagnosed with pnd. I lost my mum 3 years ago. I had trouble conceiving dd2 and had to do ivf. 1st go I got pregnant but had a missed m/c at 6 weeks. 2nd go resulted in dd2. I had a terrible pregnancy because I developed pelvic instability and could hardly walk or sleep. Due to health problems I had a c-section which took a while to recover from. Everything got to me and I fell in a heap. I went to my gp who diagnosed me with mild to moderate stress anxiety depression. I couldn't deal with dd1 who reacted badly with me after dd2 was born. He sent me to a psychologist who made me realise I was so stressed from everything that happened to me that I couldn't take anymore. I was missing my mum so much.
After a few sessions I felt better and I make time to have a bit of me time, for me it's walking and reading a book. I still feel trapped at home but I can cope better.
I would go to your gp and ask for help. Your df needs to understand that you are grieving for your mum, have a sick child and a newborn. You can't do everything by yourself.
Try not to worry about the housework, it will eventually get done. What you need is to make yourself better.
I really hope you get the help you need and that you feel better soon xo

Ohhh hun sad
I just want to reach out and give you a huge hug. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and BIL's passing, i can totally understand why your feeling down.
Last year was a bad bad year for me i went to 8 funerals of family and close friends and just today i had to go to another, so it may be another bad year sad
I'm sorry to hear about your son heart condition can i ask how he is doing now?
Could you maybe afford to get a cleaner once a week or every 2 weekS? Just to take that extra bit of stress off you. Your DP needs to pull his weight, maybe try sitting down and telling him how you are feeling.
Ask your DP to mind the kids for even half hour a day while you go for a walk, trust me after a while it starts making you feel so much better.
Treat yourself to a massarge or go get your hair done and don't feel bad about it.
Everyone needs a break, i only have a son and at times it dose my head in so i need to get out for some alone time.
I'm sorry your going through this and i hope soon enough you start to feel better.
Huge Hugs xxxx

Thankyou...

Everything seems to be piling up and just getting too much.. sad
DP is out of the house from as early as 6 in the morning and no home until as late as 7 at night so I'm the one always at home with the children doing everything.

I've tried talking to dp but he just doesn't seem to listen.. I'm getting the feeling he isn't interested in me anymore. He used to be very loving but the past few months he hasn't been and I put that down to the stress of the pregnancy and the loss of his brother as well as work...
Nothing I do seems good enough for him anymore. Hes never satisfied with meals I cook and is always annoyed at the state of the house. -I try not to let the house work pile up but since DSs birth I just havn't been able to get back into a routine where I could keep everything under control..
Once the washing is dry, as I get it off the line/out of the dryer, I fold it ready to be put away... When meals are over I try and be sure that all the dishes are rinsed and put straight into the dishwasher to avoid piling up on the sink..
Just lately there is always something getting in the way of me finishing any task I start! And if I ask dp to help he just gets angry with me.

I'm hoping dp will watch atleast the twins tomorrow so I can do the groceries.. I've been looking into getting it delivered but havn't known if it's any good. -I think I'll have to give it a go.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.. I'm so frustrated with dp but every time i try and talk to him about anything he gets mad and just yells at me. -I've considered leaving but I just don't know... sad

Keeki - Hugs to you.
DS is doing well thankyou. He is on oxygen still and but otherwise just needs to continue gaining weight so he can be strong enough to have the required surgery.. And he needs to avoid getting any colds or infections as they won't do surgery if he's sick..

xxxxx

Thankyou...

Everything seems to be piling up and just getting too much.. sad
DP is out of the house from as early as 6 in the morning and no home until as late as 7 at night so I'm the one always at home with the children doing everything.

I've tried talking to dp but he just doesn't seem to listen.. I'm getting the feeling he isn't interested in me anymore. He used to be very loving but the past few months he hasn't been and I put that down to the stress of the pregnancy and the loss of his brother as well as work...
Nothing I do seems good enough for him anymore. Hes never satisfied with meals I cook and is always annoyed at the state of the house. -I try not to let the house work pile up but since DSs birth I just havn't been able to get back into a routine where I could keep everything under control..
Once the washing is dry, as I get it off the line/out of the dryer, I fold it ready to be put away... When dinner is over I try and be sure that all the dishes are rinsed and put straight into the dishwasher to avoid piling up on the sink..
Just lately there is always something getting in the way of me finishing any task I start! And if I ask dp to help he just gets angry with me.
I'm hoping dp will watch atleast the twins tomorrow so I can do the groceries.. I've been looking into getting it delivered but havn't known if it's any good. -I think I'll have to give it a go.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.. I'm so frustrated with dp but every time i try and talk to him about anything he gets mad and just yells at me. -I've considered leaving but I just don't know.. sad

-Sorry for going on.

Vent all you want hun...
I know it must be hard on your DP too but gee he needs a bit of a kick up the bum!
You sound like a very strong woman.
Have you maybe thought about Couple's Counselling? I know my DH would be dead set againts it but maybe yours is different.
Is he depressed? Ask him if he will go to the doctors if you make the appointment.
Try not to blame yourself or feel bad about yourself because it will only bring you down more. xx

Thankyou..

He's refused couples counselling.. -Considered just after DD3s birth.
And he is one of those men who don't believe in going to the doctors.. <img src='http://www.huggies.com.au/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='<_<' />

Having someone in to do some of the housework/yard work might be something I'll have to look into has dp won't do anything.. -We have this big house & yard (which he also insisted on) requiring alot of care and I'm doing everything.
I've seen a few smaller houses which I like in the past few weeks for sale and have mention to dp that a smaller house might be better but he refuses and promises to help more..
Nothing ever changes!

I don't know what I'm going to do when DS has his surgery..

Thankyou..

He's refused couples counselling.. -Considered just after DD3s birth.
And he is one of those men who don't believe in going to the doctors.. <img src='http://www.huggies.com.au/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='<_<' />

Having someone in to do some of the housework/yard work might be something I'll have to look into has dp won't do anything.. -We have this big house & yard (which he also insisted on) requiring alot of care and I'm doing everything.
I've seen a few smaller houses which I like in the past few weeks for sale and have mention to dp that a smaller house might be better but he refuses and promises to help more..
Nothing ever changes!

I don't know what I'm going to do when DS has his surgery..

Sweetie sad
I really hope things start looking up for you.
Your DH sounds alot like mine. Do you have anyone that could mind the kids for a few hours while you and your DP do something together? Even if you don't want to leave your ds just yet you could take him too. I know you might not wan't to spend time with him because i know when DH is being a jerk i don't want to do anything with him. But maybe some time together might bring you both closer again?
Hold him to his promises lol.. if he says he will help more and then he dosn't then just don't do it, tell him that he said he would do it.
It must be so stressful for you with your DS sad My sister had her baby at 26 weeks he is 8 months old now but still on oxygen 24 hours a day. They thought he needed surgery but last month he got the all clear.. well for now anyways, his heart still has to close up some more.
I'm usually on here everyday unsure haha if you need to talk? I added you as a friend so you can just comment on my page and i get them almost straight away smile
Your DP needs to man up and face the poroblems and be there to help you through them.

sorry to hear hun hang in there you are a smart woman u will work out what is best for you and your family

Big hugs Hun. I feel very similar but I only have one child :/. I got a cleaner a month ago and it has made a world of difference. I was so stressed constantly looking at the state of the house when I got home from work and then I didn't want to spend my weekends cleaning it. So the cleaner helps a lot! It takes a lot of the stress away. DP and I have been having problems too. I suggested relationship counselling and he got extremely offended and thinks we don't need it!! We fight constantly so I know it's something we need. Do you have fiends or family you can hang out with during the week? I find that always makes me feel better just getting out of the house. Maybe also consider the cleaner once a week just to do the big jobs? Big hugs and I hope you feel better soon xxx

Thankyou...

dp got home early hours of this morning and chose to sleep on the couch.. huh
I've already tried to talk to him this morning when he got up but he's not interested..
There isn't really anyone else who could watch the children -especially ds.
A few people I've spoken to have suggested we have some alone time together but dp prefers his friends to me..
When the twin were babies we managed to go out as a couple often and managed a few times when DD3 was born but since dd3 was about 1 he just hasn't seemed interested.. I make suggestions to go out, ask if we can but it's always no.. His biggest excuse is "you've got the children to look after.." blink
I feel like I'm the only one in this relationship who cares! sad

No matter what I do he just won't help with anything.. This morning I asked him to change DS nappy and even that was an effort for him!
The more I think about it, the more tempted I am to leave/kick him out.. unsure
He complains about me being moody & miserable all the time -just this morning he had a go at me after he found me in tears while making the girls their breakfast.. sad
I've tried to tell him I'm struggling but he's not listening..

The rest of the family are all interstate, I don't get along with his parents and because of having a rough pregnancy and always looking after the girls, I've lost contact with many of my friends..

Thanks again.. xxxx

Oh no I have to say your DP needs to understand.... I just don't think he can. From the info youve given it sounds like you are bOth depressed. It's understandable from both ends, though, but yours is obviously taking over everything and his is being bottled up and he is taking his anger and frustrations out on you.
I cannot fathom how he treats you like this when you BOTH have a sick little baby. It must be so incredibly draining on you to put up with everything. I'm so sorry...
I understand how you feel a little cause my DS 2 has had health problems since birth and were are in and out of hospital and traveling to specialists appts etc. Although it's not as serious as an upcoming operation it still creates a huge strain.
I agree with PP about maybe PND? I have it, I was diagnosed a few months ago and I'm now on Lexapro. It's doing wonders for my state of mind now but I still have off days.
My DH was an *** back then, when I was diagnosed, I liken it to some men just being unable to cope with the boss of the house being unable to cope (ie you). He needs you to runa smooth ship and when you can't he freaks out. My DH was like this... Obviously he doesn't know what to do because you can't cope and u don't know either because he isn't supporting you the way you need.
Some men also think that their way of supporting you is by working full time, and providing the finances for the family. They have no idea what you do in a day, and expect perfection....
You need to see someone, a GP or health nurse, and do a PND quiz and talk to someone, especially about your options. I don't know what your DP is really like all the time, so I can't assume, but he sounds like he needs to "get it" and maybe he needs a rude shock from you threatening to leave him, actually doing it or going to counseling together so a professionaal can explain it all to him.
It took all of the above for my DH to get it, and now we are fine....
I just hope for your kids sake you can make him get it, and get the support you all need. Good luck Hun, and if you want to chat about anything, go ahead.