Gender disappointment

Hi
I'm not sure whether to post this, but I wanted to share a secret feeling of disappointment I've been carrying for 10+ months to see if anyone else has felt this.

We didn't find out about the sex of our baby until birth, and I was happy for it to be a boy or girl. However, when our baby girl arrived (she is our first and only), I had feelings of disappointment as I had wanted to give my partner a boy. I think these feelings partly arise from the fact that I've never been close to my Dad, and also, I dearly wanted to give my partner a son to do 'boy stuff' with.

I love my daughter and am a very responsive Mum to her, also my partner is a doting Dad. But I can't seem to completely shake my feeling of disappointment, which I haven't felt comfortable sharing with anyone but a counsellor.

Often I am able to forget about my disappointment, as my feelings around wanting a boy are more for other people than myself. But then someone will make an innocent comment and I'll feel disappointed all over again that I have somehow 'failed' to deliver a son.

For example, my Father-in-law has only boys and recently made a comment that "A boy wouldn't do that". I was at the shopping centre recently and the young shop assistant asked me what sex my baby was and when I said girl, she made the comment that this was "good for mum" because "fathers like boys to play with", then hastened to say that "but a girl is still good".

Can anyone identify with these feelings and can you share anything on how you resolved them? I hope you don't think I am ungrateful having a daughter as I do my best to be a great Mum to her and love her.

Thank you

I think a lot of people secretly feel this way, particularly those who have had multiple of one sex and not had a son/daughter.

I think you should share this feeling with your husband, as you said that your feeling this way is tied up in having wanted to give him a son, but from what you said, it doesn't sound as though he minds too much? Telling him how you feel might help you get past this and simply be able to love and adore your little girl free of any feelings of guilt or disappointment

I was always worried my hubby would struggle to bond with our first. I couldnt imagine him playing with dolls or tea sets.

Something amazing happened though. When our little girl got to about 18ish months old she turned into such a little tomboy laugh She loves Thomas the Tank engine, she loves daddy's NERF guns, she will run around playing cowboys with him. After a little while he kind of started to naturally play the other stuff too with her. He will happily play with the dollshouse with dd2 or babysit dolls while he watches TV.

As for stupid comments...i think some people really dont know what theyre saying or they think they're saying something pretty benign, but as you already harbor this guilt, it hits home. Try to feel sorry for people like your FIL...he just has no idea what he's talking about..."A boy wouldnt do that"...????? REALLY? Well, "A smart person wouldnt think that". I get the "two girls, lucky mum" alot, and i always make a point of telling them daddy is in love with his girls.

I see you mentioned a cousellor, that's good, you may find that this is something that you forget about as she grows up and creates her own little personality.

smile wishing you all the best.

girls can do anything boys can do anyway!!

Very true! I was the biggest tomboy! I quickly quit dancing, gymnastics etc. to have time for judo, soccer etc. I always loved building things rather than playing with dolls. I chose typically male elective subjucts at school and i'm deffinately the hanyman in our house.

Telling him how you feel might help you get past this and simply be able to love and adore your little girl free of any feelings of guilt or disappointment

Yeah! You might be pleasently surprised! He may feel differently now he has his little girl. Maybe there is no hole to fill for him. You just think there is.

Good luck and I hope you find a way to deal with this soon!