Support and Advice..........Please

Hi, I'm new to posting but really need some friendly advice. I have a 3.5 year old girl, she is the light of my life, I also have a 6 week old baby I am struggling with. He is an "easy" baby, so I know I should be grateful, but I feel so low. I am sick of being at home by myself with the kids, even though my girl still goes to daycare 3 days a week. I dread hubby going to work and constantly want to be with him, I have become very dependant on him. He travels out of town everyday for work and works very long hours, for example, he is starting at 2am tomorrow.
My mother passed away very suddenly and unexpected in the week before I had my baby boy, so I am trying to deal with that. We were not close, but she was still my mum. As I am her only child, I had to make the decision to cremate her while I was in hospital, my grandparents agreed and then as a result of this, my grandparents decided they didnt want to hold a funeral or service so I have ended up with just her ashes. No goodbyes.
I plan to hold the ashes and have a service next year.
What I need right now is a way to be comfortable with myself again. I hate being alone, with or without the kids. All my friends work during the day. I am not myself and I don't know how to get through this. All I want now is to go back to work, which I am not due to do until October. I am a mess....

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Having a new baby is an exciting but stresful time! you must be tired as well as having lots of hormones doing their thing. It can be overwhelming!! Add to that the stress of having your Mum pass away and it's no wonder you are doing it tough sad

Be kind to yourself, are you in a mother's group or playgroup? It's nice to have the support of other mums who can also say it's a tough job.

I would also see your GP as it sounds like you may want to get some info on PND and perhaps explore some counselling or medication options? I'm not saying you have it, just saying there could be more of a reason for feeling this low. I hope you feel better soon, look after yourself.

Im sorry to hear about your mum!! sad must be difficult for you!

Perhaps speak to your local child and family health services. They should have someone to talk to and maybe join a mothers group? Would be good for you to meet other mums and get out the house as it does get very lonely. I'm not a doctor, but by the sound of it you may have post natal depression? I also joined a gym recently to get fit and feel good about myself again. Also gives me some time with my best friend!

Hope this helps and you feel better soon!!

Hi falcor, i am so very sorry to hear about your mum. How awful for you for this to happen at all let alone when youve just given birth, I cant even imagine having to make decisions like that from your hospital bed.
I absolutely agree with rosie mumma and think you should speak to your GP about how you are feeling. Not only are you grieving but you are also dealing with the feelings and emotions that occur after giving birth and you're doing all of this by yourself as obviously hubby is at work a lot. Your GP should be able to recommend a course of treatment whether it be couselling, medication or whatever they think is best and hopefully it will help you to get back on your feet. Do you have anyone that can help support you at the moment? Friends, cousins? I really feel for you, there is nothing worse than that feeling of despair. I hope you can feel like yourself again soon. Let us know how your going x

I have been to the Dr and have also had 3 counselling sessions through work. I am better than what I was, but still feel really lonely. I think thats the biggest thing. I find it hard to make new friends and feel like I am stuck in groundhog day.

The Dr wouldn't give me any medication, he doesnt want me to become "numb" to everything. The only support I have is from friends, but as most of them work during the day, I dont have easy access to them. I have a great cousin who is home with her two kids, but she is also very busy.

I have felt worse than this, I lost my daughter 4 years ago, she was stillborn. I managed to get through that and I know I will manage to get through this too, but it just feels that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have even found myself thinking about leaving the family and taking off. Not that I ever would, but the thought pops up every now and then.

I know I should be grateful I have two beautiful healthy children, but my head is not in the game when it comes to the baby. I want him to be 2 already and get through this baby stage. I am not bonding with him and I feel so guilty.

Is there any way you could join a mothers group? Maybe you need more counselling? I can't imagine what you are going through and i hope things get better for you soon!!

You need to see another doctor. For a doctor to say he doesn't want you to feel 'numb', instead of deciding that your happiness and wellbeing is more important at the moment is really wrong. Medication isn't always the answer, and is often not prescribed when it's circumstances are the cause of the depression. However... sometimes if it's circumstantial you just need that little bit of help to get through that bad patch. Medication does not have to be a long term thing. If you had it for only 3 months it might just give you that leg up to get through it.

The other thing I think that would be very important is to be able to say goodbye to your mum. Is there a reason you were waiting until next year? Having a funeral or a service is a very important part of the grief process as it gives you closure. Is it possible to organise it sooner?

When I was seeing a psychologist she told me that pretty much 100% of women that experience depression after a baby will isolate themselves from people. They don't really mean to do it, but are scared of getting out there because being depressed takes away your confidence. I would recommend looking up a baby group and giving yourself a goal of making yourself go for 6 weeks in a row and see if you still feel the same about feeling lonely when that time is up.

And lastly... have you got any long term goals? Psychology studies show that people without goals get depressed. We all need something to look forward to and to work toward in the future. Whether that's a holiday, or something bigger such as a house or finishing some kind of study. It gives you purpose in life... and promotes independance. It means that you wouldn't be so reliant on your partner as you'd have something else to hang on to. If you can't think of anything you want to have as a goal prehaps beginning a new hobby would be for you. Even excercise can be a goal.... if you make it a part of your day, it's something you're planning for and looking forward to.

I hope this helps somewhat. Unfortunately we can give all the advice in the world but it comes back to what you do about it. I really really hope you will decide to be pro active about this... because you have two options; either do something about this to change how you feel, or continue living like this for the forseeable future. I lost 2 years to pnd before I did anything to help myself and it's one of the biggest regrets I hold... because it was my daughter that missed out on a healthy mum.

big hugs
xx

chalys 'n' J wrote:
You need to see another doctor. For a doctor to say he doesn't want you to feel 'numb', instead of deciding that your happiness and wellbeing is more important at the moment is really wrong. Medication isn't always the answer, and is often not prescribed when it's circumstances are the cause of the depression. However... sometimes if it's circumstantial you just need that little bit of help to get through that bad patch. Medication does not have to be a long term thing. If you had it for only 3 months it might just give you that leg up to get through it.The other thing I think that would be very important is to be able to say goodbye to your mum. Is there a reason you were waiting until next year? Having a funeral or a service is a very important part of the grief process as it gives you closure. Is it possible to organise it sooner?When I was seeing a psychologist she told me that pretty much 100% of women that experience depression after a baby will isolate themselves from people. They don't really mean to do it, but are scared of getting out there because being depressed takes away your confidence. I would recommend looking up a baby group and giving yourself a goal of making yourself go for 6 weeks in a row and see if you still feel the same about feeling lonely when that time is up.And lastly... have you got any long term goals? Psychology studies show that people without goals get depressed. We all need something to look forward to and to work toward in the future. Whether that's a holiday, or something bigger such as a house or finishing some kind of study. It gives you purpose in life... and promotes independance. It means that you wouldn't be so reliant on your partner as you'd have something else to hang on to. If you can't think of anything you want to have as a goal prehaps beginning a new hobby would be for you. Even excercise can be a goal.... if you make it a part of your day, it's something you're planning for and looking forward to.I hope this helps somewhat. Unfortunately we can give all the advice in the world but it comes back to what you do about it. I really really hope you will decide to be pro active about this... because you have two options; either do something about this to change how you feel, or continue living like this for the forseeable future. I lost 2 years to pnd before I did anything to help myself and it's one of the biggest regrets I hold... because it was my daughter that missed out on a healthy mum.big hugsxx

Wow. Don't think you will get better advice than this.

Hope you are feeling better soon.