I have a 3 yr old girl and with her I felt amazing the whole way through the pregnancy and afterwards I felt great too.
I now have a 3 month old baby boy and I just feel urgh. Not constantly. But if I'm honest, it's most of the time. It's frustrating to be feeling great one minute and absolutely rotten the next.
I'm pretty sure I was depressed during the pregnancy too but I had put it down to the stress of certain things happening at that time. To start with I live in Aus with my husband (an aussie) but ALL my family live in the UK. I have always had a rotten time with friends and do not feel as though I have a particularly good support network over here bar my husbands family but you know, they are his family so not really 'a break'... then my Grandads health declined rapidly and he was hospitalised on multiple occasions... then my residency visa was declined (my own fault but still, very stressful to a pregnant lady!) oh and finally my husbands 15 yr old daughter decided to move in with us which was great but unfortunately resulted in many disputes and harrassment from her mother. Add financial difficulties into that mix and you can understand why I wasn't feeling my best!
I probably knew I wasnt feeling great shortly after my sons birth. I wasn't overly fussy over him. I was happier for him to be in his cot than in my arms which is the total opposite of how I felt with my daughter. And about a week in and I was having difficulties breast feeding and was having psycho thoughts and urges making me feel like I was going to harm the baby. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE both of my children and would never deliberately harm them. However these waves of anger and hatred flow through me and make me want to throw the baby off me or pinch him or force the dummy into his mouth. As soon as I think it, the thoughts gone, but I'm so scared that in that nano second I might actually do something. I have punched the wall a couple of times...
I'm rambling here now.
Today I am feeling particular down. All over the weekend all I wanted to do was to leave the kids with my husband and lock myself in my bedroom and curl up into a ball and be forgotten about. Today I feel dizzy and exhausted and as though something is sucking the life out of me. A very dark place.
Also, I just rang my husband at work and asked if he was planning on going out after work and he said yes. When I told him I was having one of my 'bad' days he said I should just suck it up and get on with it. I really wish itI was that easy and I can't explain to him how bad I am feeling as I dont want him to think I am a bad mother or that I'm going to up and leave or anything.
I know that I have PND, I have accepted that. I have no money to see a psych though and really, what is that going to acheive?!