Having a history of depression (being on antidepressants, all types since the age of 17 and in counselling since age 11, suicidal attempts a few years ago etc) And having anxiety and a borderline personality disorder I was expecting some form of post natal distress but was assuming it would be a lot more anxiety forming, instead I am the opposite, It is full on melancholic depression as there are two types of depression there is Atypical when you eat and sleep and pretty much are too sad or lethargic to do anything else, then there is the melancholic one which I NEVER get, this is strange for me as I am usually the big eating, sleeping all day and night type of depressive when it does hit. A major birth and Emcs will obviously cause blues and I had horrendous anxiety for four weeks but now its PND and I am unable to eat much at all and sleeping so hard I need tons of medication to help me sleep but the worst is, as in love with my wonderful little girl as I am, I have lots of moments of wanting to be on my own away from her, zoning out when she cries or walking out of the room and hiding under my bed so my husband looks after her and my parents do most of the time but I feel so frustrated and guilty I am not full on attentive when she cries and I dislike being around her 24/7 even though I think of her constantly and all my money goes on her needs and I make up all her feeds etc so why can I not be around her a lot of the time???
Am I an awful mother?
some moments I sing to her and cuddle her and tell her I am proud to be her mum but then I freeze and go numb, cannot eat and just go for a drive somewhere or hide in bed