feeling guilty having bub #2

Hi ladies,

I have a ds who will be 4 in may and a dd who is 3wks old. Dp is still on holidays as I had a csection,but he goes back next week.
I have shed many tears out of guilt for having another baby as I have little time or patience for ds. It doesn't help that dd is difficult to settle,therefore most of my day is spent breastfeeding and settling her. I can see it in my ds's eyes that he is missing me. Sometimes I just have to look at ds and I cry.

Dp has been great and given lots of attention to ds,and helped with dd at settling etc,I've tried expressing to free up some time but I've had no luck. Now I'm dreading dp going back to work,does anyone else feel the same?

Firstly big hugs, the first few weeks really are hard.

Is there any reason that your dd is so needy? Is she refluxy/something your eating/picking up on you being so stressed?

As for your ds, why not do things with him while your feeding your dd? Like prepack a picnic in the fridge with finger food so you can still have a picnic while your feeding? My dd1 is also 4 and my dd2 is 3 months and we like to sing songs or i teach her how to count while im feeding. There are times where im really short or frustrated with dd1 and i really do feel bad about telling her to leave me alone but i do try to make it up to her.

Also how are you feeling? Do you think you might have a little bit of post natal depression? Or maybe just sleep deprived?

Wow! Nearly 18 months ago I could have written exactly the same thing!

My first was 3 when DD2 was born. DP AND my mum got time off work to help out when she arrived. She ended up being an emergency c-section so I needed alot more help that I originally thought. I struggled ALOT! i also suffered kidney problems myself immediately after the op for a few weeks so that didnt help. And our new baby girl was EXTREMELY whingy and ALWAYS wanted the boob. We later found out that she was very sick and had a kidney abnormality so lucky we got onto it quick & the issue got resolved. She's still a sooky child though.

Honestly I have no idea how I got through the hard times. I felt bad for DD1 because I was either staying in hospital with DD2, or struggling to do anything at home. Try getting your son involved with the baby by helping him bath her, change her etc so he feels included. If he's interested, maybe try sticker books, drawing, puzzles, playdough to keep him occupied while you're feeding dd. Get him to help hang washing on the clothehorse. Sit out the backyard & watch him play.

Dont be too hard on yourself. You've had a rough time. C-sections are a big operation which require plenty of time to heal. Everyday you spend taking it easy is another day closer to getting life back to normal.

This also sounds like what I went through. DD1 was 3 years 11 months when DD2 was born. I had to have a c-section also due to health problems. Luckily my DH took 8 weeks off work to help. I found after tending to DD2, who refused to bf and had severe reflux, I had no energy left for DD1. She was great with her sister but refused to listen to DH and I. I found I was constantly yelling at her, I was just sooo tired.
When DD2 was 3 months old I was diagnosed with PND. I had mild to moderate stress anxiety. I had a lot of issues going on, the fact I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago, had secondary infertility, had to have ivf to have DD2, had a m/c 1st attempt. I had the worst pregnancy, I'm still suffering from pelvic instability.
I ended up going to my gp who recommended that I see a psycologist. I had 3 sessions and she helped me realise it's ok that I'm not spending as much time with DD1 as I need to.
DD2 is now 10 months old and I feel better. I still have my bad days which I was taught to breathe.
Maybe you should speak to someone and it may help you feel better.
It does get easier as they get older.
Good luck.

I only have one child but my friend who has just had her third is going through exactly same thing. Her middle child age 4 came up and said dylan dylan dylan that's all i ever hear now every time you speak to me you are mad. She burst into tears. The first few weeks are hard after giving birth with all your hormones and getting the family to adjust to the new addition.

Maybe you could involve your 4 year old with helping the baby. Like passing a nappy to mummy when you change or picking out an outfit for the baby? Just an idea as I said I only have one at this stage.

Hi, congratulations on your two children! I went through the same, I just used to look at the confusion on my #1's face and cry. He and I used to do everything together but once #2 arrived - and he was also a difficult baby - I suddenly didn't have as much time for #1. But as everyone said above, it's a phase that does pass, your first will adjust in a surprisingly short time. It's an adjustment phase for everyone with some hard moments but overall there are far more good moments than hard. It just doesn't seem that way at first. But here is some tips: I used to read to my #1 while feeding my #2. We all used to snuggle up together. That way he didn't feel excluded. Then we used to go out and about alot in the pram, #2 baby would settle a bit easier, and #1 used to love getting some outside time with mummy and could burn off some extra energy. Another tip is just to be quite honest and practical with #1. I found that communication, me explaining that new babies need alot of feeding etc, is why I can't play with you as much at the moment. But we'll have lots of special times still together..... things like that. And just make sure you have some alone time in a day, reading a book, or chatting or a quick game - even if it's only for 5 minutes.
It's a phase, and fast forward a few months and your #1 will get used to things. And so will you! And then one day you can't imagine life without both of them! And neither can they.
I'm sure you are doing your best, well done!
Peta R.