I've lost count how many times one of my best friends has miscarried over the last 5 years. It's definitely in the double digits and I've never felt that I've done the right thing. I am absolutely devastated for her and she has always been a great mate throughout my pregnancies but I know the fact that I am carrying at the moment makes it harder for her to see me as she feels jealous and resentful. I completely understand and would probably feel the same way. Is there a way that I can reach out to her without being in her face? I don't want to appear like I don't care because I do care. I also don't want to cause her any more misery. I've never fully enjoyed either pregnancies because I feel guilty for having a healthy pregnancy when one of my closest and dearest friends has not been successful yet. I want to wrap her up and give her the biggest hug and make all the pain go away, but like I said it's hard for her to see me. Any idea?
I remember when I had my first miscarriage my bestfriend was half way through her pregnancy and I couldn't see her for weeks because I knew she had fallen pregnant by mistake and her partner didn't even want the baby. For me it took a good month to talk/see her again and I think she understood why because she left me alone that whole time but I do know my DH spoke to her aswell so it may be because of that to.
Hope your friend is ok. Having that many miscarriages must be terrible, hopefully she just needs a little time.
i would write her a letter, let her know that your heartbroken for her and that you are always there no matter what. let her know that you will leave her be until she is ready to see you or speak to you, it may take her a while but as long as you let her know thats its up to her when she wants to see you again then she wont feel bad if she doesnt hear from you in a while and wont feel like she is being avoided.
good luck and i hope your friend gets that baby she wants so bad.
Has your friend actually told you she is jealous and resentful of you as the reason she finds it hard to see you? I know I don't feel jealous or resentful of any of my pregnant friends or mates with new bubs but I have cut myself off from everyone for the past few weeks purely because I'm trying to get my head around what has happened with my loss. I can not physically speak about it at the moment and I know they're going to want to know what happened. I also don't want people's pity- people who are pregnant or with new babies seem to take the news that my baby girl was stillborn really hard- I get the feeling my experience makes them worry about it happening to them and I don't want to be responsible for that.... Perhaps your friend is also having some of these thoughts and feelings?
One of the nicest things a good friend said to me was "We're all going out for dinner tonight and I know you're probably not ready but I'm going to keep telling you our plans so when you feel up to it we're all here for you and would love you to come." It made me feel like there was no pressure for me to be ready but that when I was people would actually treat me normally and not just feel sorry for me.
I'm not even sure this will help you but it's just another perspective. I think you're lovely for wanting to help your friend but TBH I don't think anything except time really can.
She has admitted to me in the past, when she has felt okay, that she has been insanely jealous and resentful, although she is exceptionally happy for me too. I completely understand and appreciate her honesty. I know for a fact she hates pity and the old clichés of 'mothers natures way' and 'next time it will be better' etc all the things people say trying to be helpful but it just leaves her cranky at them because no one seems to get that it doesn't change the fact that she really wanted this one.
She is such a strong lady and her friendship is one I hold very dear. She has been through the ringer with TTC but I fear this one will be so much harder for her as she actually allowed herself to be happy and start planning the future with a baby on the way. With so much bad news in the past I think she stopped allowing herself to get excited just incase.
My heart does bleed for her but I wouldn't call it pity. I just want to be the kind of friend she has been to me when life has given me the rough end of the stick. She has propped me up and helped me face the world again,she is a truly lovely lady smile
Thanks again for the replies, it is a very personal time that you have shared with me and I thank you for sharing. I have also miscarried a few times but not to the extent that my friend has and we both deal with it differently. I've not had pregnant people in my life that I was close to at the time so your insight is really helping. Big hugs all round smile
Sorry to hear about your situation. It is such a hard and elicate thing to deaal with.
You said you ahve had losses in the past yourself (I'm also sorry to hear that), but maybe think about what people may have said and done for you that were helpful for you. You could try and stick to those things.
I have recently been in your situation. A dear friend of mine, was pregnant, about 4 weeks behind me and at 8 weeks, she had a m/c. I had recently had an m/c myself and so she really leant on me for help and support at that time. I was always concerned thought hat my pregnancy would cause her pain, especially as my pregnancy progressed.
I just said to her one day, that I would be there for her and do whatever she needed from me. I was just honest with her and told her staright out that I understood that my pregnancy could be hard for he. I told her to be angry at me, yell at me, cry whatever she needed to do around me. I told her I didn't want or expect her to be happy for me, but I just wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to force herself to see me, or put on a happy face around me. We are still close and we don't have any ill feelings, or awkwardness betwen us. I think the best thing is to be honest about it and up front about it. She knows if it gets too hard for her, that I will understand and I will try and do what I can to help. I deliberately don't bringmy pregnancy up in conversation with her, I let her ask about it, if she wants to and talk about it, as much as she is comfortable with.
You are a great friend to be concerned about her and her feelings and I'm sure any great friend will deal with a sensitive situation like this with respect and the bet of intentions. Good luck to you and your friend. I hope you have a healthy remainder of your pregnancy and I hope your friend gets her healthy baby in the near future.