Problems with Dad and Son

Hi,

I am have a 3 year old son as well as a 2 year old daughter and expecting our third in about 6 weeks.

My problem is between my ds & dh. Well its really more with my husband. DS is going through a stage where he wont say hi to dh when he gets home (he went through it when he was younger also). DH takes this very very personally and instead of just walking away (which is what I suggest) and leaving for a little while DS he punsishes him by either putting him in his room or threatening to take away his toys. He calls him names. We end up fighting over it. I understand dh getting hurt as it is but DS has at times done this to me when I have picked him up from my parents after work and also to his grandmother.

I try to say that by taking his toys away or punishing him does not help and makes him worse, but according to dh I am just taking ds side and making him look bad. I am sick of fighting and find it a daily thing at the moment and I am on eggshells. has anyone else experienced this? and do they have any advice? I personally think we need outside help ie counselling as dh does not listen to me I feel he is more likely to listen to a "professional" but we are having the same arguement over and over. I cant deal with it anymore. He is so awful to our son over it.

Thank you

Surely he knows kids go through stages?

My DD won't say 'goodnight, sleep well' to me most nights and although it's disappointing I know she'll grow out of it.

Maybe a professional can help him. Punishing a child for not saying hello is a bit ridiculous. There must be other issues behind this but he's taking it out on your son. Which is not acceptable.
And I think you're right to take your sons side. It's a parents duty to do that. Maybe your DH needs a good whack to make him realise kids aren't adults, they don't do things all the time just because someone wants them to. And calling a child names!?! Come off it! Sounds like someone needs a reality check.

So definitely seek some help. No-one should live in an unhappy home and your DH needs to realise he's the cause of it.

I agree with you I don't think it's a good idea what your DH is doing by taking toys from him. It's not going to make him want to get excited to see him if he's just going to get punished anyway.

I'm not sure if you already do this but maybe try to get your DS excited about him coming home. About half an hour before my DH comes home i'll tell the kids that daddy will be home soon. When I can hear him coming I tell them and they go running to the garage. Your DH could maybe before he leaves tell your DS that when he gets home we can do some drawing or playing together. After a while your DS might be over that stage. Hang in there hopfully your DH will come around and realise what he's doing is wrong.

Arent daddies strange with their sons sometimes? This sounds to me like a classic testosterone struggle.

Your husband needs to realise that this is a natural struggle that takes place in the families at times where as I see it a fight takes place to estabish the alpha male. He needs to realise that he will always be the alpha and he really needs to calm down and humor his son.

He should take him out to look at cars or go fishing or another manly thing and connect with him on that level. I think that this is very important for dads and sons- daughters too, but this is different.

Child development professors talk about this. It is something that can occour with mums and daughters too. In my house my DD2 loves me but can turn on me but she ADORES her father.

Your husband needs to take it on the chin, he is the grown up after all.

This is just my opinion, I hope it helps if not just file it smile

I don't think you Dh is being unreasonable in wanting a hello from his DS and at 3 I think DS should be saying hello to his dad I don't think calling him names is right either but I would exepect my son to say hello to Dh everyday at this age after all he has to respect his father and when does that start what age! Making DH getting home a big deal in a good way sounds like a good idea.

But I am a big on a united front if you know what I mean. I mean are you sure your DS is not playing on this a bit he does get attention after all from you and it cause a fight I have seen kids do this to parents before.

Have you tried telling DS before that when Daddy gets home go and give him a hug and say hello as that will make Dad happy. Than tell DH to make a big deal of Ds coming over and saying hello.

Does your DH ever come home in a bad mood and not say hello to you or DS? Just asking, cause if he did you could threaten to take something away from him and when he kicked up a fuss about it point out to him that he obviously felt it was unfair of you.

Hi

I am an infant teacher and have a suggestion. Talk to your DH about this. Focusing on the negative never helps because it does not teach the desired behaviour. You don't tell a child what you don't want, you tell them what you do want.

1. Talk to your DS about manners. Explain in his language that it is polite and kind to say hello when you greet someone, especially a loved one.

2. Set up a sticker or smiley reward chart with days of the week like a calendar and a space for a little sticker.

3. Explain to your DS that because he is a big boy, whenever he remembers to say hello to his Daddy he gets a sticker on his chart. If he can get three in a row, there is a reward (pick something he is into like a toy, extra TV time, lolly etc...)

4. Remind him before his Daddy gets home for the first little while. If he doesn't say hello he doesn't get a sticker. Don't make a fuss about it, just say "oh well, that was bad luck, no sticker. We will try again tomorrow!)

5. Over time you stretch out the days and lower the reward until it is just happening naturally. Then tell him he is such a big boy and so polite he doesn't need his chart anymore.

This sort of thing works a treat in the classroom. BUT you both must make it fun and positive. Remember, never focus on what you don't want, focus on what you do.

Good luck