When to say enough is enough

So, over the years DH has been battling bouts of depression on and off. Last week, after a major argument about a dirty sink plug and some other weird comments, l asked if he was mentally ok. He said yes, everything is great.

This week, completely different story, with him suffering migraines brought on by his depression, decreased in his communication, lying about what he is up to on the computer etc. l told him Monday night that l was not going to put me and the kids through his crap again, and that this is his one and only warning. Be pro-active or else! It was hard to say to someone you love, but there is no way l want my kids growing up in a family where the dad is depressed and unable to help out and the parents are giving each other the silent treatment.

My MIL says that my views are a bit unfair as you can't help depression. Fair enough, but there are so many things people can do to be proactive, such as medication (which he is on) and psychologist/counselling (doing both) but a huge one for me is the exercise and eating right. Coming from an exercise background, l have talked to him til l'm blue in the face about the positive aspect of exercise and eating well, as has his GP, psychologist and counsellor, all to no avail. So now, on top of everything else, he has put on weight and is unattractive in a few different ways.

If anyone has suffered depression, am l being unfair on him? Or if your partner has suffered depression, what methods did you use to cope? l'm running out of options fast.

Thanks for reading this far!

So, over the years DH has been battling bouts of depression on and off. Last week, after a major argument about a dirty sink plug and some other weird comments, l asked if he was mentally ok. He said yes, everything is great.

This week, completely different story, with him suffering migraines brought on by his depression, decreased in his communication, lying about what he is up to on the computer etc. l told him Monday night that l was not going to put me and the kids through his crap again, and that this is his one and only warning. Be pro-active or else! It was hard to say to someone you love, but there is no way l want my kids growing up in a family where the dad is depressed and unable to help out and the parents are giving each other the silent treatment.

My MIL says that my views are a bit unfair as you can't help depression. Fair enough, but there are so many things people can do to be proactive, such as medication (which he is on) and psychologist/counselling (doing both) but a huge one for me is the exercise and eating right. Coming from an exercise background, l have talked to him til l'm blue in the face about the positive aspect of exercise and eating well, as has his GP, psychologist and counsellor, all to no avail. So now, on top of everything else, he has put on weight and is unattractive in a few different ways.

If anyone has suffered depression, am l being unfair on him? Or if your partner has suffered depression, what methods did you use to cope? l'm running out of options fast.

Thanks for reading this far!

OMG i'm hearing you!!! this is my hubby too.

We have just found out my hubby has sleep apena and this causes depression to be worse, to be really sleeply all the time and generally cranky or that is what the doctor told me, so he starts treatment for that on the 1st March. and i can tell you things better change when he starts this treatment otherwise he will be getting a rude wake up call, i have been bitting my tongue for months and he is really overweight too which isn't helping the sleep apena either but he has said that he wont get healthy and lose weight because according to him his weight has nothing to do with it!!!!!!! angry

Not that any of this helps you but at least you know that you are not alone. smile
Some men just seem not to care, my hubby wouldn't know how to be Pro-Active if his life depended on it. He has no drive what so ever!!!!!!!! angry

Sorry this turned into a vent instead of a post! unsure

If you figure out something that works than be sure to let me know! smile smile

I'm sorry you are going through this, what a tough time for you and the kids.

I can only speak from the perspective of being the one suffering from depression. I was so appreciative of the support of my DH for many years. I have to say though, that my depression didn't manifest itself in picking fights or being secretive/lying etc. I was basically just really sad and didn't feel good enough.

That said, I did go to counselling and got myself on medication so I agree with you in that it is also up to th person with depression to do something about it. Perhaps you could try couples counselling so he can hear how his illness is affecting you and the kids? It may push him to finding a way to help himself?

OMG i'm hearing you!!! this is my hubby too.

We have just found out my hubby has sleep apena and this causes depression to be worse, to be really sleeply all the time and generally cranky or that is what the doctor told me, so he starts treatment for that on the 1st March. and i can tell you things better change when he starts this treatment otherwise he will be getting a rude wake up call, i have been bitting my tongue for months and he is really overweight too which isn't helping the sleep apena either but he has said that he wont get healthy and lose weight because according to him his weight has nothing to do with it!!!!!!! angry

Not that any of this helps you but at least you know that you are not alone. smile
Some men just seem not to care, my hubby wouldn't know how to be Pro-Active if his life depended on it. He has no drive what so ever!!!!!!!! angry

Sorry this turned into a vent instead of a post! unsure

If you figure out something that works than be sure to let me know! smile smile

OMG - my DH has sleep apnoea and has a CPAP and all. But when he's in the dog house (ie. couch) he doesn't use it! And l have read about the relationship between depression and sleep apnoea. Also vitamin D deficiency is related, and he has that too!

unfortunately you can't help those that don't want to help themselves. my partner starts to notice in himself when he feels it starting to get bad and puts a plan into action to stop it in its tracks. it is a problem but not one that has to be tolerated these days, there is so much you can do to fix yourself but he has to want to.

OMG - my DH has sleep apnoea and has a CPAP and all. But when he's in the dog house (ie. couch) he doesn't use it! And l have read about the relationship between depression and sleep apnoea. Also vitamin D deficiency is related, and he has that too!

IT SOUNDS LIKE WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the big question is how to bloody fix it???? unsure


I really think my hubby and yours too have no idea how good they have it, as i am sure alot of people wouldn't put up with it.

I am sooooooooooo sick of the depression as it has been going on for years and years, now i just feel like 'get over it, life is tough for everyone' i know that sound really bad but as you probably know, when you have being living with them complaining and not living life for so long it is so draining on us as their partners....

IT SOUNDS LIKE WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the big question is how to bloody fix it???? unsure


I really think my hubby and yours too have no idea how good they have it, as i am sure alot of people wouldn't put up with it.

I am sooooooooooo sick of the depression as it has been going on for years and years, now i just feel like 'get over it, life is tough for everyone' i know that sound really bad but as you probably know, when you have being living with them complaining and not living life for so long it is so draining on us as their partners....

Bub4Cas - what are we going to do!?!?!? We do go for couples counselling, although haven't for a few months as everything was going well. Until now and when it crashes, it crashes hard. l once asked the counsellor in my own session "what would people think if l left DH because he has depression. People don't leave a marriage because of cancer!" and she said 'they do!'

Ho hum!

Bub4Cas - what are we going to do!?!?!? We do go for couples counselling, although haven't for a few months as everything was going well. Until now and when it crashes, it crashes hard. l once asked the counsellor in my own session "what would people think if l left DH because he has depression. People don't leave a marriage because of cancer!" and she said 'they do!'

Ho hum!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! sad

I dont think i could get my hubby to counselling. sad sad

I was sort of hanging on this sleep apena treatment helping, but by the sounds it isn't going to do the wonders i was hoping for, i think i sm going to try and get his medication changed or something. I really don't know.

It is a hard one, i still love my hubby but sometimes i can't stand him (if that makes sense).

My Hubby sounds just like that, goes off the deep end about the smallest insignificant things. I also had the same talk, not wanting to bring children up in such a negative environment. I said we needed to do something, he did nothing, so in pure desperation I ended up at the GP in tears asking what I could do. She gave me the names of some psychologists and I booked in. I told him about the appt about a week before (it had been booked for 4 weeks) and figured if he didnt go that gave me the indication that he couldnt care less about being with his family. Luckily for me he simply got up and said he'd change his meeting and went to bed. (there was no appreciation that's for sure)
Anyway while we were going and he is on his medication it was good but we havent been for almost two months now and I can see it starting to slide. I think that it might be an ongoing situation for the rest of our lives, but if he is willing to keep the appts up I think we can get thru it. I guess everything needs work to keep in good working order, so as long as there is effort, there should be progress.... I hope.
You may shed more light on that as I am just starting the process.

I can relate to all of you! Me & DP have both had depression in the past. Only thing is I've recovered from it & have been mentally healthy for going on 3 years now smile

I dont feel like he's willing to try to pick himself up. Ive been here to support him but it's so exhausting & brings me down sometimes. We've split up because of it before, & eventually he started antiD's & started seeing a counsellor & things were looking great so we got back together. But its going downhill again quickly.

It's little things like if he gets a day off work, he'll just sit on the couch all day long, while I'm busy doing house chores & looking after the kids. He never wants to go to outings, family gatherings (either side of the family), or spend time as a family. Its all about HIM and what HE wants to do.
He takes it out on me & the kids with his short fuse, impatience & he's so inconsiderate! It frustrates the hell out of me! He's never been physically abusive & doesnt call us names or yell & scream at us, but his tone is always negative & he's always nagging DD1 about something. I can't advise anyone on how to cope, because I'm not coping either sad its so hard to constantly try to be understanding to someone who doesnt see what the problem is & wont get help for themselves. I love him to bits. When he is in a good mood we get along fantastically & it reminds me why we're still together, but there's more bad moods than good lately.

In a weird sort of way, it is good to know other women are going through the same thing as it means we are not alone in this battle. And l think only those going through it understand why we are still with our DH, because we love them, although we don't like them all the time!

l have a few close friends who know what's been going on and they all cannot understand why l am still here, in a marriage that is so up and down. It's because when it's good, it's really really good!

Maybe we should take check of the good vs bad times and see which one happens more often. Writing a list of all the things DH can do to be proactive in helping himself, showing him the list so both partners are on the same page and know the expectations. Making it so clear to DH might help everyone. Maybe l should take some of my own advice and let you all know how it goes!!!

To all those ladies in the same position, we are strong and we will do what is right for our family. Whether that be working on the marriage and helping our partners, or having to walk away, short term or long term, so we can come out the other end OK.

In a weird sort of way, it is good to know other women are going through the same thing as it means we are not alone in this battle. And l think only those going through it understand why we are still with our DH, because we love them, although we don't like them all the time!

l have a few close friends who know what's been going on and they all cannot understand why l am still here, in a marriage that is so up and down. It's because when it's good, it's really really good!

Maybe we should take check of the good vs bad times and see which one happens more often. Writing a list of all the things DH can do to be proactive in helping himself, showing him the list so both partners are on the same page and know the expectations. Making it so clear to DH might help everyone. Maybe l should take some of my own advice and let you all know how it goes!!!

To all those ladies in the same position, we are strong and we will do what is right for our family. Whether that be working on the marriage and helping our partners, or having to walk away, short term or long term, so we can come out the other end OK.

Well said! Because WE matter too! Happy wife = happy life grin

Might just have to give that list thing a go! Then they'll reaslise that we DO still see the good things smile At the moment the good things are few & far between over here, but when they do happen it surprises me a little and brings a smile to my face & makes me feel like I have a normal family!