Just wondering what others thoughts are. For me this is in context to someone who could be quite verbally and emotionally abusive like saying horrible things to put someone down, a general disrespect for others, someone who has been physically abusive but not in the sense of lining you up for a punch in the face, more like 'accidentally' giving you a black eye in a struggle or choked you or thrown something at you.

I guess I see it that I wouldn't want to risk it to find out. But a counselor said something interesting to me yesterday that people can change. And I guess I'd never considered that they could actually change.

Thoughts? Experiences? Has your DP/DH/ex reformed from this sort of behaviour?

Well probably not a great example, but my stepdad could fall into the changed bracket. I think age/maturity is what has changed him. Very long story but my mum is an alcoholic (not him though) and they would fight alot, he would get physical occasionally. He was very provoked as she can be a very verbally abusive person, no excuse though. But now, maybe 15yrs later from when they fought the most he wouldn't have had a physical outburst in forever and my mum is still a verbally abusive alcoholic (she has been sober for periods of time inbetween) They have now broken up after 19yrs, I think he has outgrown her crap TBH. He came from an alcoholic family so that might have something to do with him staying with her for so long (plus having 3 kids). I get along with him really well, he used to be a bit of a hothead but now is very sensible and reasonable. He is 8yrs younger than my mum, they met when he was 22 and she was 30 with a 7yr old daughter (me). He is now 41. I reckon men can have a harder time controlling their anger when they are younger. My stepdad never really had it over my mum with abuse, she gave plenty herself (I would say had the upper hand in a way) so it's different from an abusive male with a submissive partner.

My friend had a very abusive boyfriend when she was younger, he was awful and became a very aggressive, angry man.

She finally left him when he went to jail and it was hard for her.

A year later he came to see her with his new girlfriend to apologise for how he treated her. He went on to have twins with this lady but I never heard how his relationship turned out. He did seem a lot happier with her.

I would like to think that he got over his insecurities and has gone on to have a great relationship. I do know that he wouldn't have been able to make the changes with my friend.... there was too much distrust surrounding their relationship.

I'm sure some people can completely turn their lives and their attitudes around, but in my experience, it hasn't happened. My ex and I still get along as friends, which is great for the kids, but I've seen him repeating similar patterns through multiple relationships and I always step back and think how lucky I am to be away from it all now.

It's not a question of a "wake up call" or "learning their lesson"... if you ask them, they'll always say they've experienced one or both. It's about some true soul-searching and a lot of councelling to find the reasons they lash out etc.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but in my case, leaving was the best thing I ever did and I shudder to think what may have happened if I had stayed.

Hope you're ok

i am not speaking from experience, but what i think.

i think someone can change, but it depends on the level of abuse. from what you are saying i say that person will not, but i think people who are mildly abusive could change if they really wanted to.

My brother is abusive, but only towards my mother, he is fine as long as he gets his way or is kept 'happy', i think he may grow up in the future (he's 20) because its only the occasional outburst and he can control his temper against everyone else.

My BIL is very abusive but when i had a fight with him he didnt touch me, however his sister and him had a massive punch up - he was 30 she 18. i dont think he can change.

so i guess its a case by case thing

If the abuser is truly wanting to change & acknowledges on their own that they do have a problem, yes I think they can change with the right help & over a long period of time.

But if they are just going through the motions of counselling or whatever because someone tells them they have to, no they won't change. They live in the false belief they don't have a problem & everyone else does.

I've found out that my ex assaulted another close family member a few years before assaulting me (both assaults are on police records) & verbally/mentally/emotionally abused his first wife too. He won't change. He has no reason to according to him.

I am not sure if I would think someone would change with this sort of behaviour, I mean it would be extensive therapy and anger management to over come this sort of behaviour and then the person on the other recieving end may not believe it and when arguments occur would expect it to come and could set the person off trying to control themselves.

the person would have to leave when angry so they don't lose control then when calm try to discuss what they are trying to say but it would always feel lke you are walking on egg shells never knowing when you would expect the next abuse

I'm really starting to doubt whether abusive people cal ever change. My good friend was in a relationship with an abusive partner for about 5 years. He was manipulative, he strangled her against a wall, he was controlling and a massive liar. He also crushed her self esteem with really low insults. He changed for about a year and was sweet as pie to her and then they had there daughter and it all went downhill again. They have been broken up for about 5 months now and he still manipulates and controls her through there daughter. I don't think he will ever change so I'm doubtful as to whether other abusive people ever change. I personally haven't seen any that have.

You would like to think that they do but you never be able to fully trust them.

My mum sister was married to a guy who mum called controlling and would put her down. They had kids together & mum would give her sister money to buy things she needed. Plus she told me that my auntie knew if she left she had a place to go. My auntie did leave him and now he married to a women who controlling. So in some ways he getting treated the way he treated my auntie.

You would hope that this person could change and you would want alot of proof before you would let them back into your life

Thank you all for your replies, it is just something that got me thinking and it seems there is a 'he did it once he will do it again' sort of thing towards it, so i just wondered if that was just my view or a general consensus with other people.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but in my case, leaving was the best thing I ever did and I shudder to think what may have happened if I had stayed.

Dont worry about being positive/negative, I just wanted honest opinions/experiences smile

it would always feel lke you are walking on egg shells never knowing when you would expect the next abuse

Totally agree and it is the worst feeling

You would like to think that they do but you never be able to fully trust them.

Exactly

I'm really starting to doubt whether abusive people cal ever change. My good friend was in a relationship with an abusive partner for about 5 years. He was manipulative, he strangled her against a wall, he was controlling and a massive liar. He also crushed her self esteem with really low insults. He changed for about a year and was sweet as pie to her and then they had there daughter and it all went downhill again. They have been broken up for about 5 months now and he still manipulates and controls her through there daughter. I don't think he will ever change so I'm doubtful as to whether other abusive people ever change. I personally haven't seen any that have.

This sounds like my last relationship the only differences are that i was in it for 10 years, we had no kids together and he treated my son like crap.
In my experience they dont change, some just learn to control themselves better than before. If they can change then they have my respect for having the balls to become a better person and admit to themselves that change was needed.

I think that they can change their behaviour but their instinctual actions would likely not change for a long time. You can relearn your habits I believe.

Brain development from 0-5 is really significant so often things have effected people during this time, making the rest of their life extremely hard.

My partner is from an abusive background and trying his very best to change - but he feels that he is a bad person inside. He says he struggles with demons and that I would hate him if i knew his instant thoughts and his instinctual actions - that he then doesn't act on. But the thing is, I don't, and I wouldn't. I know what he came from! I would not allow him to effect our children but what he experiences is normal, he is slowly changing and I know that the old man he will become will be very different to the man he is now.

I think you can trust them - it is all about self control and what they believe is acceptable. If they secretly think that kind of behaviour is normal and acceptable then there is a problem. But if it is off limits in their own mind, then I feel you can trust them completely.

It really helps having role models and model relationships too - my dad is an amazing man and my family is very happy and stable and balanced. I think this has really helped my partner to see that there is another "normal" that is better than what he initially thought. He never aspired to be violent or angry or scary - it is just what happens when he is stressed, he says it is beyond his control the way he feels compelled to act. (Yelling, stomping, intimidation, swearing etc). He does not necessarily follow through on this but it has taken him a long while.

I like to show him parenting blogs and quotes that reflect things I am trying to get across to him, and his main thing is not seeing the kids as real people if you get me? Like he sees them as needing to be controlled rather than as little people in their own right. (He said the other day that it was an ingrained "I am father hear me roar" that he thought dads were to kids).


But he has me and I figure we can do anything if we are willing to work at it smile

I think what other people have said rings true, only if the person genuinely wants to. If they're only going through the motions to make someone stay, and not truly wanting to change, they're not going to. But how do we know, right?
I don't think my ex will change, he is a narcissist, and could never love anyone like he does himself. Every problem we have is in my imagination, or normal behavior (to him). He went to anger management, but left after 3 sessions, then cancelled our couples counseling once I told him I knew he was trying to convince everyone I had pnd (she was a specialist in pnd, but did effective parenting post separation counseling too, so I still wanted to go).
Now he can't control me, or the situation with his lies, he is losing it. I really can't see him ever changing, but I would never really know as all he did was lie.
And the eggshell feeling is awful isn't it? I may not like being separated, but having a constant knot of fear and anxiety in my stomach is an awful feeling, and I'm glad that's gone.