My Husband wants another child, but i don't!!

Ok i totally understand where you coming from. My first son i was in labour for over 38 hours and 90 minutes of pushing then i end up having a c-section due to his head hitting my pelvis bone.

We had our second son 11 months ago and we ttc next month for baby no 3.

Hubby wanted another baby more than i did. I was very happy with 2 but we always said 2 to3 kids. He came to me about 3 months after we had little man and said he wanted to try for a girl. He said he doesn't feel complete. I said No but i think about it.

For me the worry is having another c-section and how we would cope. He told me that i cope so well with the 2 boys that having a 3rd would be a little harder but we be fine. Our oldest will be in kindy, so that helps and hubby said he can pick & drop off little master to kindy if i can't do it.
It helps that he such a hands on dad with the boys. He feeds then, takes them in the shower with him. If i need a break he takes the boys and plays with them.

So i said Yes and we ttc in less than a month now. I so happy we agreed.

With you, you do need to sit down and talk with your DH/partner and tell him what this was like for you.
You need to know just because you're first labour was painful that the second one may be alot better than you think it be.
You can sit down with the midwives tell them your wishes for this labour and go from there.

Just tell him what your fears are about another labour

I would be discussing this in detail considering he has said its a deal breaker
And openly and honestly saying your reason for why not

What I suggest is before discussing write down reasons for and for not having another that are related to you

And do you not want a baby right now or no baby at all
Their is no black and white answer
It's not a easy 1

I think if the main thing holding you back is a traumatic birth experience I would be going to see an OB prior to TTC to talk about options. Not sure if you would prefer this but after a traumatic first labour you may be able to have an elective c sect for your second? I know the recovery is harder but I would definitely prefer that to forceps/ tearing. Or they may agree to induce earlier with your second. I don't know really much about it but worth talking to someone about though smile If I were in your position there is no way I'd be wanting to dive into a second pregnancy either.

You could also talk to a councilor, as you may be suffering from post traumatic stress from your previous birth.

As for threatening to leave you if you wont have another (I assume that is what 'deal breaker' means) I think that's an awful thing to say... I really think that is emotional blackmail. But by saying this you can obviously see how important it is to him.
Somethings gotta give here, thats obvious. If he is pressuring you so much ask him - would he be willing to reduce work hours to help more with a second child? Is that financially viable for you? Or could you hire a part time employee to help you with your business once bubs number two comes?

At the end of the day though, If you don't want a second and end up being pressured into it to save your relationship you may grow to resent your hubby, or even worse - your child.
You could tell him - one day but not yet. Your first child is still very young, if you were utd straight away he would not even be three before number 2 is born! Thats a close age gap IMO.

Hope you guys work it out. GL

I think that all you need to do is to let him in on what you're thinking.

Are you wanting another child ever? If you are, then tell him - because that will help him to have more patience.

Kids are a huge deal (obviously), and for him to say it's a deal breaker - it must be something that he's REALLY worried about. Prehaps he thinks you'll never want another one.

If you are feeling that you DONT want another one... think about why this is. Is it purely because of the traumatic labour you experienced? If it is because of that, maybe you should sit down and think about this... if you were guaranteed that you wouldn't go through that again, would you consider having another child? If that is the case, then maybe like others have said you can plan for an elective c section.

If you want another one but are simply not ready then there's nothing wrong with that. There are 5 years between our children because I was just not ready yet. I am SO GLAD we waited... I am extremely happy with my decision to put hubby off - I am in a really good place mentally because of this decision, and I know I would have been in a bad place had we had another one close to our first. My hubby now also says that he's glad we waited as he can see how happy I am, and how that in turn affects our whole family. He would have had one earlier if he'd had his way at the time, and he usually gets his way with things so I'm very glad I was straight with him about this.

Good luck with your choice, it's a difficult one.

Wow! Thanks for all the replies! The thought if the labour isn't the only thing putting me off. I just honestly feel (at the moment, and I accept this may change) content with one child and there are multiple other concerns; we have a very small 2 bedroom house and can't keep it clean with a toddler running around, let alone a new born! My husband does little to help around the house and I don't want to end up as a slave to 6 kids and a husband, I would go nuts. My business is at a turning point where I need to be heavily involved and I like doing it, am I selfish to put what I want first?
I have told him how I feel countless times but he says he wants a date of when I'm going to be ready, if I knew I would tell him!! :S it's not like my clock is ticking anyway, I've just turned 23 and to most people I'm still fairly young :s my mom didn't have me till she was 30..
I'm sure one day I would want another child, maybe when my son starts school but until then I just want to watch him grow and be there for him and not have to worry about a new born
Wow ok rant done! Thanks for all your advice smile keep it coming smile

In that case I would just make it really clear to him that YES you do want another child one day, but you're not ready yet and don't know when you will be. He needs to understand that you can't MAKE yourself ready for something as huge as having a child. You're doing the right thing by sticking to how you feel.

And Btw... if he chose to leave because of this 'deal breaker' then you have still made the right choice. Relationships include compromise and respect/support for how you feel. If he can't do this then he is pretty shallow.

Tell him that your willing to talk more about having another in 2 to 5 years. Also tell him that you want a bigger place & enough money in the bank that will make it easier for you all to live.

You are doing what's right for you. To bring another baby into the mix when you're not ready isn't a good idea.
You both need to agree on everything that worrys you & when the right time for both of you to have another baby.

chalys 'n' J wrote:
In that case I would just make it really clear to him that YES you do want another child one day, but you're not ready yet and don't know when you will be. He needs to understand that you can't MAKE yourself ready for something as huge as having a child. You're doing the right thing by sticking to how you feel.And Btw... if he chose to leave because of this 'deal breaker' then you have still made the right choice. Relationships include compromise and respect/support for how you feel. If he can't do this then he is pretty shallow.

I agree it takes 2 to tango
And givin he doesn't help out much it would fall onto you which is not fair givin he is pushing for the Secound

If only men could get pregnant and give birth then take care of a newborn/ toddler house work

Maybe he is saying its a deal breaker as peer pressure kinda thing thinking that if he puts that out their it will make say ok ok so he stays

And you are in my way of thinking are not being selfish at all

I would suggest to him that perhaps if he showed that he could do more around the house to support you that you might be interested in adding a second to the mix.

One of my biggest fearsfor me for having number two is that I would end you with two child and a man to look after!!! So I had words and he got better at doing more. In fact he even did a stay at home gig for 7 months when l went back to work when our youngest was 4 months old. While he was at home he did most of the homework, cooking, washing etc and child care. It was the best thing ever for his confidence in regards to cooking and knowing he could do those things.

You need to ask yourself why you don't want a second...
- is it the traumatic birth of baby #1 and are the 'too busy', 'work' and anger towards your husband your story justifying you don't want to go through that again.
- or is it that you don't want a second baby full stop, one child is enough?. Would this be the case if you had an easy quick pain-free birth for baby #1? If yes, the difficult labour you had should not come into your arguement at all.

Yes, you had a traumatic experience for baby #1, however not all pregnancies and labours are the same. I recommend Hypnobirthing, it's not hypnosis as such, more of a relaxation and meditation labour which gives you tools for a calm natural birth. It focuses on positive thinking and frame of mind, and fear release and works wonders especially where there has been a difficult birth or fearful birth-story in the past. There are many great positive stories shares by hypnobirthing mum's on the HypnoBirthing Australia website under testimonials, including a natural birth after ceasaeian. Give it a go, pregnancy and even labour truely are a positive and miraculous thing....it's the birth of a new life

thanks for nice commenting...