Hun, I was suicidal with my first. I vowed never to have another. With time you do heal, and I believe the answer is to not have another unless YOU choose to. As you can see by my ticker, time did wonders for me. I chose in that 5 years to educate myself about everything to do with myself and how I tick. I wanted to have an understanding of my mental state in order to control it.
One of the biggest battles I had once I was well again was it happening again. So much so that when dd was 3 & I considered that perhaps we could have another, it took another 2 years before I was strong enough to face my fears and just do it. To be honest if I hadve gone with that fear I still wouldnt have another. I didn't know how to get over that fear... it came to the point where I knew we would have another, but I felt that if I waited until I was 'ready', then it would never happen. I decided to go ahead with it, and help myself by seeing a psychologist to put a plan in place for when bubs was here. I felt comforted knowing that by having a plan in place that it could never have a chance to get as bad as last time.
Bubs is here... and I've never been more settled and happy. I've had a second chance - I never knew what it was like to actually enjoy a child the first time. This time my baby has brought me so much joy that it sometimes overwhelms me.
You will know what you want out of life if you give yourself the time. Don't pressure yourself. smile