Cant get dad to anything please help if you can

[bubs stuff]

 

exhausted mummy, on 16 March 2009 - 04:48 PM, said:

My partner will not help with my little boy. I have asked him to help on several times but it does not seem to work. I have been patient with him but my son is now 3 months and i am getting so tired. If i speak to him about this he gets grumpy.
He wont feed, bath, dress, get him to sleep, get up during the night and most of the time he is home he spends outside. On the few occassions he has feed him (not the whole bottle) he gets angry and gets grumpy and i have to finish the feed or he is has to get him to sleep he puts him in the swing and wont rock him to sleep to go into his cot.

If anyone can suggest any ideas that would be helpful.

[Cheeky_Me]

I know exactly how you feel, my partner did not seem to enjoy doing anything, I did everything from getting up at night to cleaning to cooking. One day he said he would love to have another baby and i just laughed he looked at me and asked me why i responded that way. I told him that I could not imagine my life with another child (although i love my little girl more then anything). He said why?
I told him flat - " I know you are probably going to get cranky but I feel like a sinlge parent and i may aswell be! I do everything in this house with the bills, cooking, cleaning, and everything for our little girl and you! So i actually already have 2 children." I also told him that i would love to have another child but he would really have to pick up his game. I also let him know that he is missing out on so so much with her, she is not going to want to be around someone who does not seem to want to be around her either. It may have been a little harsh but i was running myself into the ground, i learnt i cannot sugarcoat everything for him in case it hurt his feelings. He has gotten better with her and is know even getting up to her 2 days a week!! AMAZING!! Just dont expect too much too soon I hope things get better for you and your little one.

[Likrish]

Perhaps he feels a little out of his league. A bit useless maybe. Like he has nothing to offer. I think PND can affect both men & women. Its a huge responsibility for a man to take on a little person its natural for a woman to do all the baby duties. We are more in tune with baby than they are. They don't go through the process like we do. The conception the labour the birth. Maybe he feels a little left out but given up bothering to try cause he doesnt have the confidence & has lost motivation. Or he could just be a selfish person and baby is taking up all your time. Its a catch 22 situation. How do you get someone to do something when they just can't bring themselves to do it.
I hate to say it but if things don't improve do you really want to raise a baby in an environment where there is a loveless father? Was his dad like this? There could be so many underlying issues he has. Maybe he thinks his life is over now he has a huge commitment to provide. But yeah I agree with just leaving baby with dad but if he is really grumpy and suffering from PND it might not be the best idea either. People can snap easily. Perhaps get in some at home help so they can help you cope and they can always subtly get hubby in on the action without him realising why the helper is there for.

Good luck my heart & my Hubbys heart goes out to you.

[zoey23]

exhausted mummy, on 16 March 2009 - 04:48 PM, said:

My partner will not help with my little boy. I have asked him to help on several times but it does not seem to work. I have been patient with him but my son is now 3 months and i am getting so tired. If i speak to him about this he gets grumpy.
He wont feed, bath, dress, get him to sleep, get up during the night and most of the time he is home he spends outside. On the few occassions he has feed him (not the whole bottle) he gets angry and gets grumpy and i have to finish the feed or he is has to get him to sleep he puts him in the swing and wont rock him to sleep to go into his cot.

If anyone can suggest any ideas that would be helpful.

[zoey23]

hi my partner was exactly the same and i became so tired of having the same battles every time i asked for a little help he would sult like a child. so here is what i did i gave him a serious talking to i told him that weather he realised it or not he was a father now which ment he had a little person who relies on him 100% i reminded him that it took both of us to have the baby and that if he wanted to be a part time parent then he should have thought of that b4 i then told him that i would walk away unless he stepped up to the plate and helped me our deal to start with was that he would come home from work and have half an hr to him self to shower and do what ever from that time i would pass bub to him and they have playtime he gives a bottle and they go for a walk i then told him that i expected that b4 he goes to bed he would pre make the night feeds and put them in the fridge it was his duty to get up and warm the bottle and change bubs and bring the baby and bottle to me at which time he could go back to sleep . from here i kept adding to the list of expectations we are still working on it but when i talked to my midwife she said to keep going and to praise him for what he is doing much like u would with a child tel him his doing a great job when he is and tel him his not helping when his not keep on it and good luck.

[chicko-e-e ding dong]

He must be feeling abit wiered on where he stands in the picture. Some men take to it easier and some don't. They don't have any conection to this baby, did not feel it kick etc. He might come round he might need time to bond but he ain't making much effort.
They talk of pnd in women but what about men, men find it probably hard too because they probably have fears in raising a child and supporting it money wise. But all they need to give to the baby is love, and of course they don't talk about it either so that makes it harder. I feel for you i'm not in this situation but there have been times when i've cracked because i can't get him to sleep, Your doing a good job and hopefully he will come round i would sit him down and have a good talk even get one of the grandparents to take bub for a while. That way he can't go no where cause you can follow him.

[taracg]

Hi exhausted mummy!

This is definatley a very stressful situation for you.
i havent been in this situation but a few things coome to mind that may help.

first one: how was your partner during your pregnancy? did he attend things with you? or take care of you? im guessing this was not a surprise, he had nine months to prepare for the arrival, maybe discuss with him whats changed? is he overwhelmed that the baby is finally here?

second: my husband used to be quite lazy round the house in general. so i gave him a choice of what he wanted to do. e.g do u want to cook tonight or do the dishes?
in your case amybe ask you hubby "do u want to feed the baby or bathe him tonight?"
i really hope this helps. we all support you on this one!

[EmmaB83]

I think the lady that suggested PND might be right. I guess then your issue is how to get him to the doc.

Men often feel like they're not doing it right because even though we don't mean to we correct them or seemingly get the baby to sleep without worry or they take their bottle without complaint. This is only purely because we do it the majority of the time.

Get tough with hubby, prepare a feed, give bub to him, the ready bottle & then go outside (pretending to hang washing of corse) & don't give in when hubby gets cranky. Don't expect too much too quick.....give up on the getting up o/night gig & just start out small. Do the baby chores together. My hubby is reluctant to bath bub on his own but its something the 3 of us do together. Just remember it will probably all pass when bub grows up a bit. I know my hubby can't wait to be chasing our daughter around the back yard or taking her to the park, at the moment she just smiles & laughs at him before spewing on him!

[theweehaggis]

Do you have any friends who are dads, maybe a couple you know who have kids, where they can come to your place for an afternoon (with their kids) and you can leave the dads in charge while the mums go out for a bit. That way your partner is not left completely 'unsupervised' and with someone who has been through it or going through it, and then he may be able to ask any questions he may feel he cant ask you (maybe because he doesnt want to feel 'silly' or feels he should know these things naturally) Dad to dad talk - they will probably have had the same anxiaties at becoming a parent.. and in an all male environment may be able to combat some of the hurdles.. ?

Just a suggestion. Hope it all works out!

[sims76]

Chrysanthemum , on 11 March 2010 - 12:39 PM, said:

I know I have to tell my other half to put a dummy in our son's mouth or feed him or even just cuddle him when I am busy with out other two kids or doing housework, he will just sit on the couch listening to our son (8 months) cry right near him and he wonders why I get ***. The other morning at 6am DS was crying, I said to SO "can you put his dummy in his mouth when you walk passed the room" (he had to walk right passed his room to go out the front door and it would have only taken a few seconds) but he says "I have to get ready for work" so I had to get out of bed. I was not happy.

Kezzabelle, on 13 March 2010 - 04:14 AM, said:

Hi,


Sims76 are you getting treatment for your depression??? Can you get someone to come and take the kids for you for an hr and go out for a coffee with your hubby, and just "talk".
Good luck with getting your hubby to lend a hand.

Chrysanthemum, I totally hear you with that one. DH seems to not be bothered by the little one crying, whereas I can't handle it and have to do something, eg dummy or cuddle etc.

Kezzabelle, I am on meds for my depression, it just sometimes it all gets the better of me. And I am still not comfortable leaving bubs with anyone yet, sad but true. I feel she is part of me.

[uptowngirl]

It is a relief to see that there are other men out there that are the same and its not just us women being "hormonal". Men just don't really get it do they? women don't really have a choice, we have too because if we don't do it who will.

ok men go to work, come home change a nappy, mayb do a feed and think they are helping this is after watching tv, or playing computer games of course.

Us mums on the other hand spend all day entertaining the little ones, feeding, changing, cleaning up after them, washing their clothes, their linen, bathing them, taking them to dr appointments, health nurses, playgroups all this before we even think about ourselves. We do this on little to no sleep as we are the ones who get up to our distressed children in the middle of the night, sometimes 4,5,10 times a night.

Yeah I get that men need their time, they get alone time most days, travelling to work, the 20min toilet break each morning at 10am, man time when the get home as unwind time. Us women feel guilty even trying to take 10 mins to have a shower each day, let alone take an hour out to go to the gym, meet up with friends or go shopping.

It's a wonder we get time to cook, clean, wash, iron. You would think men would have realised by now that if they help out more around the house and with the kids there would be more time for sex!!

[kate11]

Hey this is the first time I have really had a look through these forums, and thought i would look at your topic because i need advice on this aswell.

First of all I would like to say dont feel reluctant in anyway to leave bub with your hubby. Don't worry about what they said about them not leaving their child with a man like that.


My bub is 8 months old, and I am still having the same problem. I would also like to say that I had absolutley no idea my partner would be this way before having a baby, so i completley dissagree with the people that say "you new who you were having a baby with".

I think my partner isnt confident, and that is why he doesnt help. (and i feel bad sometimes asking him to help, when he's been working hard all day)
I find that doing things like:

(while im cooking dinner, and my partner jumps in the shower) Strip bub off, and walk in and say "ooo you gonna have a shower with daddy...oo thats nice" Hand him the baby and walk out. This seems to help 5 mins later i hear them both giggling and having fun.

Also I find my partner spends alot of time outdoors when he is home too, and i find it hard to get him to spend time with bub. you could also try getting a rug, laying it on the grass in the shade with some toys near where your partner is working, and sit there for 10 mins and watch him work then say "im just going inside, can u watch bub" and stay in there until he calls u to come back.

I find that allowing him little times to take repsonsibility for bub is helping.

So much that the other night my partner looked after her for 2 hours while i went to dinner with some girls (he did have to go to his mates house (the hubby of one of the girls i went out with) and chill there with him and his little daughter but hey.. whatever makes him do it.

Im sorry if im not much help. But I think as my bub is getting older, my partner is getting better. alot of my friends hubby's have been similar, and once the baby is walking around. and wanting to follow them. Getting excited to see them, things start to look up.

Just let me no if u want to chat.
xx

[^Mumto2Ts^]

ok i am going to come from a different angle. when i was a first time mum to ds i had no frickin idea what i was doing. i was scared i would drop him, hurt him, damage him somehow with my lack of experience, but i had no choice but to figure it out as dh had to work and i was left alone with ds. it did not happen overnight. it was a fair few months before i was confident with what i was doing and how i was doing it.

dont you think your dh could be exactly the same? he has no frickin idea what to do with a little baby and as you are doing it all, he has not learnt or developed any confidence. it is completely natural to feel out of your depth, and this is probably what it all is. share the duties!

[Mumma*J]

I am going through exactly the same thing with my husband. He works away for 2 weeks and home for one, and the week he is home he spends 90% of the time in his shed, comes in at dinner time to eat, shower and go to bed. He does practically nothing to help, occassionally he will give a bottle or hold her for a bit. The only time he has gotten up to her at night is once cos I was sick of doing it and went and slept on the lounge leaving bub in our room with him.
I really thought it would be different as he is so good with kids (my niece and nephew) don't know if it is a confidence thing, or he hasnt bonded with her enough yet. Mostly I think it is his attitude, now that I am full time mum he believes it is MY JOB to do EVERYTHING! (He has always been lazy around the house, doesn't do housework or cooking) In the 11yrs we have been together all he has done is occasional dishes. I am expected to look after bub all day, clean house, cook dinner and do the dishes, while he just does whatever he wants all day! If I ever complain he says, "you act like your life is so hard..." and tries to make me feel guilty because he works away, and I'm the one who's got it easy.

[mummieluvsu]

thought i would add my 2c...

this must be a very hard situation to be in!

my hubby has a DD with his ex and he was a terrible father!! he did NOTHING and even avoided going home after work (for lots of reasons)

so when i found out i was having our DS i was worried he wouldnt be there to help.
however he is AMAZING! he does more than i do when he is home and hes always complaining that i always get to have bubs so "hand him over!" he feeds him changes him baths him etc.

when i asked what was different now to with his ex he said plainly that with his ex he felt he never did it right and that if he couldnt do it his way why should he do it at all(hes a bit stuborn).

he resented that she made all the decisions and she was a routine freak so he always felt rushed and culdnt enjoy it.
where as i am super relaxed about HOW things are done. and if he plays with him to long and he doesnt get a bath it doesnt really matter does it??

so i guess im asking do you want him to participate? or do you want him to do it and do it your way? (maybe if he feels free to do what ever he wants he will be happier to participate??)

if your both parents then you both should get input as to HOW things are done... maybe he feels like he cant do it "right" (your way) so why bother.

???

[johntanya]

Hi all,

I guess I am in the unique position of being a dad, a husband and 'almost' a midwife. From my experiences, I think it depends on how the husband is raised by his parents. Not to be so nosey but is he a control type person? I desparately encourage new dads in the maternity ward to get involved in the care of his child, whether it is making the mum comfy for breastfeeding, changing the nappy, or just cuddling it. Dad's on a whole are great and want to get involved. I love my two boys to bits and could not imagine life without them. They are now 5 and 2 years old. When they were first born I did alot of their cares and when it was time for feeding I would bring them into my wife to breastfeed. However, I WANTED to do it.

The other question you might need to ask is (now I do not mean to offend) but did you both want the child or was it just you? Just something to think about. To change him to help with the cares, that is difficult. To want to do it and to have to do it are very, very different. You cannot make him do it. You are tired and upset as well. There is no way I am discounting your feelings. Some people mentioned beyond blue, that is a great way to get started.

Other people have mentioned doing a direct approach. That is an excellent idea as well. Men can be quite dosile and need to be told quite explicitly about things. You may not like the answer, but at least you will have one.

John.

[rachel_clem]

I feel sorry for you and I know how you feel, my partner was the same with our son, but I have found that as they get older that the fathers tend to do more . . . my son is 5 1/2 months now and dad is doing a lot more than he was. I think they are scared that they are going to hurt them in some way (As the case was with my partner).
Try getting him to help even if it is even for a little bit. My favourite was "can you do this while I get his bottle/bath ready" and now he just does it:)
Hopefully that helps. Good luck

[Makebelieve_X]

I kno how u feel lol

• my boyfriend refuses 2 change our daughters nappy, unless he has 2.
  
• try and get her 2 settle when i've tried everything and nothings worked.
  
• bathe her,cuz he thinks he's gunna drop her cuz shes so small and likes 2 wiggle.
  
• get up at nite when she's crying and i'm asleep.
  
• make up/sterlize bottles
  
• and usually only feeds her when i make him.

i thought i was the only 1 with this problem lol but obviously not.

4 sum reason he thinks he should hav the joy of playing wif her and everything yet not hav 2 put up wif the downsides of looking after her.

i've talked 2 him about it and he jus gives me excuses or says hes tired cuz hes a fulltime chef so hes always at work, but all i ask is he feeds her once a day so she can get 2 kno him and kno 'thats my dad', not 'thats my uncle who lives wif us but whom i barely c'.

He always jus goes how he'll help out when shes 5 and i can look after her till then, the problem is she needs us th most now not in 5yrs time.

I feel sorry 4 u, cuz i kno wat ur going thru and i've had so many arguments wif him bout the exact thing and all he does is yell and carry on go out 2 his mates place and come bak and go 2 bed.