When is it time to leave?

[Rachjay]

I have a beautiful 6 month old baby and since I fell pregnant my partner of 8 years began to stress about money. He works very long hours and golfs every weekend so we rarely do anything together.

6 months into having a child and living off his wage has been hard, though it has taught me the value of saving which I have never been good at at all until now. I have now been lucky enough to get to work from home for my former job, parttime for a couple of months and then I am expected back in the office. Though it has been quite a challenge juggling work and a baby.

The point is tonight my partner has now said he is sick of me sponging off him and he is not coping with the stress of having to support me. (He has paid the rent and food, my family have given me money to pay for anything else and thank-god for the baby bonus to pay our bills). I have done the cooking, making lunches at 5 in the morning (his and I so said I would never do that for a guy), cleaning, washing, fed and got up to a baby sometimes every hour at night, who has never been a great sleeper until now. I am exhausted.

It has got to the point that I am just so hurt that he thinks I have it easy and because I have not brought in money he thinks I have not contributed. Our relationship is non existent and I am feeling quite stuck with where I am in life.

Do I try to make this relationship work for the sake of our beautiful child... or do I deserve to be treated better?

Is the grass greener on my own... Im tired of crying over feeling so unappreciated all the time... I certainly don't feel as though we are working together to raise our child and we certainly do not feel like a family. I have become the enemy to him...Any suggestions welcome.

[HappyAli]

I cant offer you advice on your situation.
What i can offer is a big Hug and send sleep vibes. I hope you find the answers to a tricky question.
Do you have any close friends you can speak to. What about family/ Child clinic nurses or parent support programs.
Once again more hugs to you. Go with your heart.
Good luck.

[SnazzyMummy]

Nyla55, on 09 July 2010 - 01:11 PM, said:

can you temporarily stay with family? When he realises just how much you actually do for him he might grow a set and apologise. Then again, i dont know him so maybe he wouldnt. You would need to talk to someone who knows you both well.

totally agree with this... DP never did anything for me and didnt cope very well as DS as a baby (hes better now...doesnt complain much anymore about me "just sitting at home on fb" )

i was only at my mums for maybe a day and he was on the phone saying he missed me so much and wen i had got home he had cleaned the whole house LOL

maybe u could somehow let him look after bubs for a while and let him see its not all fun n games

[kylis]

i would say one thing to him fine lets see what child support have to say how much i will be sponging of you when i claim child support boy

he might get a reality check then

[~glamour mummy~]

Without YOUR support (raising the baby, cooking, cleaning, maintaining a household & your own job) HE would not be able to go to work.

When you are in a relationship you are also meant to be a team, therefore if you have to stay home with the baby whilst he goes to work then so be it, someone has to look after the baby & (im just guessing from what you have said about your financial situation) you can't really afford to put the baby into childcare just yet!

Maybe he is angry at himself because he thinks he can't provide for his family, so he is lashing out at you? IYKWIM?

I think you know in your heart what to do, trust your insticts.

[mummieluvsu]

you have been together 8 years and you have a child and he thinks your sponging of him?? i think he needs a good dose of reality.

honestly. i think. go to relationship counseling. so there is a mediator for you to talk and you need to get to the bottom of the issues.

i think an 8years relationship is worth fighting for coz you must have had it good to stay that long and have his child.

id say there is more to this than money?? maybe there is an underlying issue that he hasnt told you or something.

or else ask him straight. "whats more important to you money or your family." you will soon know what he wants.

men... cant understand them lol

[*missy*me*]

Is the grass always greener? i would have to say no, not always.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk about it before you consider leaving, he needs to opportunity to man up for you and his baby.
Should he decide not too, than you truely do deserve better, no one deserves to be treated this way.

I had the same problem with DP, and i spoke to him nicely i screamed it at him and nothing made any difference. It wasnt until i left him for six months that he decided to finally man up. We are now back together and things are better. Leaving was extremely difficult, as i felt bad for taking my kids father away from them, but now im so thankful that i did.

Only you are the one that can decide what is the right thing to do. You will know what is best for you and your baby.

[mummy-to-one-cutie]

gurumumma, on 09 July 2010 - 11:26 AM, said:

I have a beautiful 6 month old baby and since I fell pregnant my partner of 8 years began to stress about money. He works very long hours and golfs every weekend so we rarely do anything together.

6 months into having a child and living off his wage has been hard, though it has taught me the value of saving which I have never been good at at all until now. I have now been lucky enough to get to work from home for my former job, parttime for a couple of months and then I am expected back in the office. Though it has been quite a challenge juggling work and a baby.

The point is tonight my partner has now said he is sick of me sponging off him and he is not coping with the stress of having to support me. (He has paid the rent and food, my family have given me money to pay for anything else and thank-god for the baby bonus to pay our bills). I have done the cooking, making lunches at 5 in the morning (his and I so said I would never do that for a guy), cleaning, washing, fed and got up to a baby sometimes every hour at night, who has never been a great sleeper until now. I am exhausted.

It has got to the point that I am just so hurt that he thinks I have it easy and because I have not brought in money he thinks I have not contributed. Our relationship is non existent and I am feeling quite stuck with where I am in life.

Do I try to make this relationship work for the sake of our beautiful child... or do I deserve to be treated better?

Is the grass greener on my own... Im tired of crying over feeling so unappreciated all the time... I certainly don't feel as though we are working together to raise our child and we certainly do not feel like a family. I have become the enemy to him...Any suggestions welcome.

I know exactly how you feel!! my partner says the same things to me. he's always saying how easy of a life i have and that i do nothing around the house. even though i vacume, mop, do the dishes cook dinner, feed bub, bath bub i do EVERYTHING around the house. he even always says to my parants that i have an easy life and it really annoys me, my mum even turned around one day and said to him that i dont have it as easy as he thinks. i had it really tough for a month cus bub has silent reflux and it got really bad, all he did all day would scream and wouldnt sleep, i would be really upset and try talk to my partner about it when he came home but he would just tell me it cant be that bad. i really hope you can work things out!!

[MUMMY*LUVS*HER*BABY]

gurumumma, on 09 July 2010 - 10:26 PM, said:

I have a beautiful 6 month old baby and since I fell pregnant my partner of 8 years began to stress about money. He works very long hours and golfs every weekend so we rarely do anything together.

6 months into having a child and living off his wage has been hard, though it has taught me the value of saving which I have never been good at at all until now. I have now been lucky enough to get to work from home for my former job, parttime for a couple of months and then I am expected back in the office. Though it has been quite a challenge juggling work and a baby.

The point is tonight my partner has now said he is sick of me sponging off him and he is not coping with the stress of having to support me. (He has paid the rent and food, my family have given me money to pay for anything else and thank-god for the baby bonus to pay our bills). I have done the cooking, making lunches at 5 in the morning (his and I so said I would never do that for a guy), cleaning, washing, fed and got up to a baby sometimes every hour at night, who has never been a great sleeper until now. I am exhausted.

It has got to the point that I am just so hurt that he thinks I have it easy and because I have not brought in money he thinks I have not contributed. Our relationship is non existent and I am feeling quite stuck with where I am in life.

Do I try to make this relationship work for the sake of our beautiful child... or do I deserve to be treated better?

Is the grass greener on my own... Im tired of crying over feeling so unappreciated all the time... I certainly don't feel as though we are working together to raise our child and we certainly do not feel like a family. I have become the enemy to him...Any suggestions welcome.

[rachelm156]

gurumumma, on 09 July 2010 - 12:26 PM, said:

I have a beautiful 6 month old baby and since I fell pregnant my partner of 8 years began to stress about money. He works very long hours and golfs every weekend so we rarely do anything together.

6 months into having a child and living off his wage has been hard, though it has taught me the value of saving which I have never been good at at all until now. I have now been lucky enough to get to work from home for my former job, parttime for a couple of months and then I am expected back in the office. Though it has been quite a challenge juggling work and a baby.

The point is tonight my partner has now said he is sick of me sponging off him and he is not coping with the stress of having to support me. (He has paid the rent and food, my family have given me money to pay for anything else and thank-god for the baby bonus to pay our bills). I have done the cooking, making lunches at 5 in the morning (his and I so said I would never do that for a guy), cleaning, washing, fed and got up to a baby sometimes every hour at night, who has never been a great sleeper until now. I am exhausted.

It has got to the point that I am just so hurt that he thinks I have it easy and because I have not brought in money he thinks I have not contributed. Our relationship is non existent and I am feeling quite stuck with where I am in life.

Do I try to make this relationship work for the sake of our beautiful child... or do I deserve to be treated better?

Is the grass greener on my own... Im tired of crying over feeling so unappreciated all the time... I certainly don't feel as though we are working together to raise our child and we certainly do not feel like a family. I have become the enemy to him...Any suggestions welcome.

If you had to pay someone to do your job, it would be worth $100,000 /year. Some people really don't appreciate how demanding our job is, its 24- 7. If my hubby ever complains (rarely) i tell him that i will go back to work and he can stay at home and look after babies. That shuts him up pretty quick.

[Bcjones1]

paulahm, on 13 July 2010 - 12:24 PM, said:

What i would do is take a job on a sunday or one day when he is home. Then he can stay with the baby and do all the stuff you do. If he doesnt then you can say "Why are the dishes not done/floor not mopped/washing not done" etc and see how he likes it!

I agree with the above. Let him do the caring/house work and see how he handles it.

[dioriffic]

me and my husband had 2 income. i quit as i didnt have maternity leave due too not being there long enough. for the last 8 months he works up north to support us. its hard on all of us. the only outcome is the mortgage and bills gets pay quickly, thats it.

when he took a month off when bub was born and then went back. i spun into depression as i was so used to have my own money. i got so guilty and sleep deprive. when he came home from his break he knew there something was wrong with me and said u didnt care that he had to support me and bub. he doing it because he loves me and bub and will do what it takes to get us going. after awhile of getting bub to sleep through the night. i become my old self happy as ever with a beautiful girl and loving husband.

but going back maybe 7 months ago he wasnt a fan of supporting both of us. as he was use to having his own income. which i completely understand as i was the same. when his daughter was born something inside of him switched. maybe because its real, i dont know. i guess am just lucky really. am planning of going back to work at the company where my husband works. just for 1 or 2 days of the week just so i can get out of the house. my mum willing to look after her grand daughter. my mum lives with us and it really does help with him being away.

i really hope things look up for u and bub. its true u need to lay everything on the table. u still work ( i made a point to my man that moms do work specially the singles mums. seriously u girls need medals or something. so am not going to get started) am a big talker and i say everything that bugs me and so does he. in the end after minutes or hours of fighting of what seems pointless s**t. it really helps. but maybe better to talk to him. do the pro and con thing, write it all down. and when u get start talking some how u just forget and have no leg to stand on. u being together for 8 years there must be a connection. but somewhere in between its just slowing down. talk about, refuse sex even just to get the point across LOL. hope its all well good luck

[Rachjay]

Thank-you for taking the time to reply to my question ladies. It has been a most tough time for me and to be able to have support for my situation (even if it is virtual) was just what I needed.

I went to my local Doctor and asked for some counseling. I visited a fantastic Psychologist for two visits. I did ask my partner to also come with me, however he chose not too.

I figured I need to be at the top of my game for my beautiful baby, and I need to have a clear head about what I want/expect.

With the assistance of a Psychologist, I was able to look at my situation, come to decisions about what to do and implement some tactics before I choose whether or not to leave my relationship.

Suffice to say, I told my partner I was ready to leave and we are taking small slow steps to learn to communicate as a couple after having a baby.

It took me a lot to ask for help but after doing so it was a huge relief.

I no longer do the lunch thing for him, I am going to work 2 days starting this week (bubs will do daycare), I am starting a pilates class this week for myself (and to let partner learn about putting baby to bed), we sit down to dinner each night together (without TV, computers, baby,,, etc), we are trying to plan finances together. That is a start.

Babies certainly bring up many unresolved issues for people. Partner was absolutely feeling the stress of supporting us financially, missing not having time with baby, not confident with being a good dad, and I did not trust anyone with bubs, therefore trying to be a super mum and do everything. Ahhh... bring in lack of sleep for all and we have challenges.

I have chosen to not leave at the moment, but i have also learned that I am worthy and will not take being spoken to in anyway that makes me feel bad.

So thanks gals.