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  5. He wants me back at work the day I come home from hospital

He wants me back at work the day I come home from hospital Rss

Just need to vent some frustration if that's ok with everyone! My partner and I run our own business and are expecting our first baby in 7 weeks. The other week he came back from a job and was telling me about his conversation with the guy there. He said his wife came back to work (their own business) the day she came out of hospital and didn't stay home at all. This was about 16years ago. He said it's the best way to do it!!!!! Now my partner believes that's what I should do. I'm already feeling anxious enough about being a first-time mum without having him expect me to be a mum and work full-time as well. Granted, I can bring bubby to work with me, but I don't think it's the right environment for a new bub not to mention the breast feeding side of things. I guess I know there are a few people who would love that opprotunity. Last night, I burst into tears because he said we should get some nappy rash cream. When I said I've already bought vaseline he said NO!, not sticky stuff. He said he thought we should make these decisions together, but up till last night he never wanted to help me pick out the cot or anything else whatsoever. He just said, you can do it. As my partner is someone who always wants things done his way, I'm worried that I won't be able to have any say in our child's upbringing. He cut his family off last year because he thinks they were bad parents and doesn't want anything to do with them. Now, he never speaks to my mum (or acknowledges her existance) who lives with us, over a stupid incident. I guess I feel like I'm going to miss out of a lot of family stuff and we never have friends over or anything becuase he doesn't have any and hates people generally, and I only have a handful of friends who I see only occassionally. Please tell me I'm over-reacting!!! I'm so scared I'm going to have a sad life but I just want to be the best mum I can be. I don't want my baby growing up with a said pathetic mum.

Thanks for listening.
Tamba

Lisa, Qld, Mum to be

Tamba

1st of all you will not be a sad pathetic mum.
Your partner is probably scared about the new arrival and a bit nervous as for going back to work straight away tell him to get a life or he can stay at home with bubs instead.
Trust me he won't want that.
Just try to stay positive for yourself & the baby and for now just ignore his comments.


Keep in touch & take care


Bec
Hi Tamba

My heart really went out to you when I read your post. Looking after a baby is rather difficult in the beginning - getting used to the sleep deprivation as well as adjusting to having someone totally dependant on you. It must be so hard that your partner does not seem to understand this.

Did you both go to ante natal classes at your hospital? At my classes they went through exactly how much time in a 24 hour period a baby takes up with feeding, changing and settling which I found blew most of the men away. It made them all realise what was actually involved. My husband seemed to take on a new understanding of how busy I was going to be. Perhaps you could check with the hospital if it is too late for the classes - they might have some info available that you can show your partner.

Having a baby for me and my husband made family relationships seem so much more important and a new baby seems to really bring people together. I really hope that the birth of your baby renews the importance your partner places on relationships so that he might want to mend some broken bridges with your respective families.

All I can suggest, which you have probably already tried, is say to him that you want to make some time to sit down and really discuss what you feel you can manage when the baby is born as well as the other issues you mentioned. Tell him how you are feeling at the moment and maybe you can compromise about when you will go back to work - ie when you get feeding established and more than 5 hours of sleep in a row at night (as a suggestion)??

I am no expert by any means but these are some of the ideas I had.

Keep us updated on how you are going. I hope everything works out.

All the best
Kristi

4 lovely munchkins DD 10/03, DD 03/05, DS 10/06 &

Tamba theres no way you can come home from the hospital and go out to work with a newborn. As well as all the reasons others have pointed out, you need time to explore and play with each other or just lying down looking at each other. I don't think Your actually allowed back to work until 6weeks have passed anyway. And bully to whoever went straight back to work, not all of us are supermums!

Perhaps you might like to mention to your partner that is is your baby as well and therefore the decisions are not just his.

I would also be getting your mum and in-laws involved with the bub, regardless of what partner wants. If you don't your bub will only be the one missing out.

I really hope all this resolves before bub arrives.
Jo

mum of 1

Hi Tamba

I agree with what everyone else says, particularly about making sure you don't ostracise family and friends. If your partner is being difficult you will really need this support network to lean on.

My partner is scared we are going to be broke now I am finishing work which of course isn't going to be true. He wants me back into FT work within 6 months. I just put my foot down and told him no way, I will go back to work when I am ready and depending on when the baby is ready. We have come to an agreement to just see how things are and we'll cross bridges as we come to them. I personally know we will cope fine with me not working for at least 6 months (cause I have saved enough to cover us for this time) so I know it is just going to be a case of proving to my partner that we don't have to live on bread and butter if I don't work.

My advice to you would be to just ask your partner to wait and see how things go AFTER the baby is here and try not to plan ahead so much. You could have an easy baby meaning you can return to work, or you may have a baby who doesn't sleep, colicy etc etc. You just never know. I know many friends who have returned to work earlier than planned because they were coping fine but others who have ended up staying home a lot longer than they originally planned. You need time to bond with your baby and adjust to being a mum too, without being put under pressure to return to work.

Good Luck with it all and please let us know how everything goes.

Jo

Ryan (2) & Jayden (18mths)

Thanks for much for all your replies. It has really helped me. I was feeling all alone about this issue. We have been to ante-natal classes and just finished them on Tuesday. We did go through how much time bub takes up. I still don't think he understands that a real live baby needs a lot of attention - he has never held a baby let alone actually spend time with one! He just focused on the 'fact' that babies spend most of their time sleeping. I'm still trying to pursuade him that we need a nursery! He wants bub to sleep in our room. This one, I initially said no to, but thought that considering it's winter when bub arrives, it would be nice to have her with us for the first 6-8 weeks. I still want to flexibility to put her in her own room though if I find I'm not sleeping becuase of all her noises. I get woken up twice a night already from out attention-hungy cat! So, bubby just making normal noises will no doubt keep me awake. Anyway, I may be on a winner for that one!! I'll know by the end of the weekend anyway. I had a quick chat to my OB yesterday about my partner wanting me back at work so soon - he said that women are entitled to 6 weeks leave and beacause we have our business at least 4 weeks for me. He said our bodies need to recover from child birth and have time to properly bond with baby. So, he's on my side and will gently let my partner know that too! My partner isn't certainly a monster as I may have portraid. He doesn't allow me to clean the house as I work full-time with him and he wants me to use a nappy wash service to relieve some of the work - he's just a very straight down the line man. He wants things done his way, when he wants it done. I'm really hoping a new baby (who does not listen to what daddy wants!) will soften him a little. One thing I never worry about is abuse to me or our bub as I know that would never happen. I think we'll just have to work on him a little more than other men as he doesn't really have too much respect for women in general. Anyway, I've rabbited on too much. Thanks so much again.


Tamba

Lisa, Qld, Mum to be

Good News!!!!!

As of this morning, I am getting a nursery! I'm also getting a study so I can work from home and look after bub. My partner suggested we could put a desk in bubby's room so I can be with her while I work at home and she's happy in her familar surroundings. What a reflief! It's funny how things seem so huge and out of control and then once it all worked out, you wonder what all the fuss was about.

He's also agreed to start talking to my mum again so long as she apologises. (He thinks she lied to him about something - it's just his perception!!!) But, if that's all it takes to get him talking to her again, I think my mum would do that to keep the peace.

Better be going. My belly is really starting to stretch right now and be uncomfortable!

Thank you
Tamba

Lisa, Qld, Mum to be

tamba
thats great news esp about him and your mum

hurrah

Steph VIC Mummy to one gorgeous boy

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