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Feel like SIL is trying to compete? Lock Rss

Hi,

Just wondering what everyone thinks and if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this. DF's brother's wife is starting to get on my nerves a little, I feel like she is trying to compete with us over a lot of things and trying to show that her and her hubby are better than us? I don't know if it's just me reading too much into it but she has been making a few comments recently and it really feels like she is having a go but hiding it behind a half-joking comment. She is quite young but I feel like she thinks she is quite mature, however she comes across as still fairly naive and lacking life experience. They have been married a year and bought a house and puppies and all the rest, it's like she's in a hurry to have the "perfect" idealistic life.

Anyway at Christmas we were all joking around about the brothers and how they are mummy's boys. My DF said something about how he was practically my husband but SIL cut in and said something like no you haven't been through the hell of organising a wedding yet. It really cut me as DF and I have been together a lot longer than them and have gone through a lot of s#!t and we have a very strong and close relationship, especially since we have had our little boy, as most of you would know having a bub is the ultimate test on a relationship and we have survived it. I don't mean to take anything away from people who are married but IMO marriage is more about the relationship and not a piece of paper. We have been engaged for longer than they've been together and we really want to get married but I have been so busy with uni and now with our bub.

Then the other day we were with DF's family again and someone said they'd much rather look after a puppy than a baby, but SIL said oh no trust me having a puppy is just as much work as looking after a baby. That REALLY annoyed me. How the hell would she know? DS is a really difficult baby and I personally have struggled with the adjustment to being a new mum. I just felt like all my sacrifice and struggle was being smashed into the ground. I didn't want to say anything though as they have been trying to have a baby but haven't been able to yet, so I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

There are so many other things also which just get to me. I've tried to build a relationship with her but we are so different. She is nice enough but she just has this thing with making comments about things she really doesn't know the first thing about.

Does anyone have any advice?

As much as her comments could be quite hurtful I wouldnt read to much into them. She comes across to me as being very naive and opens her mouth before thinking.

A marriage is in no way shape or form about organising a wedding. Alot of people have been married without the who har of a wedding. Alot of people consider themselves to be married without the piece of paper. I personally dont understand what she means by the hell of organising a wedding. I loved organising mine and watching all come together on the day.

The comment she made about a puppy being just as hard to look after normally comes from a person that hasnt had a baby or much to do with babies. We as parents cannot go away for weeks on end and leave our babies in a kennel for someone else to look after can we.

Water off a ducks back I say!

Julia (14yrs), Cooper (6yrs) & Amarlia (14 months)

hi! dont have any real advise, but maybe an insight to why she does what she does and says. i find people like that who try to put others down (jokinng or not, there is always some truth behind a joke IMO) are doing so to make themselves feel better. she probably looks at you and your DF and is jealous. she would never admit it, probably not even to herself, but it makes her feel better when she has digs at someone else. by saying a puppy is harder, until she has had both, she really is in no position to judge. she might honestly think a puupy is hard, and they are not easy, but i have done both and yes, our puppy was hard, but we didn't have kids at that time, now, its not a comparison at all, but she will learn that.

i dont know if thereis anything you can do that will change how she is, and while what she has said is insensative, i think she sounds very immature that she doesn't even know she is offending you. Im not trying to stick up for her at all, but i think its her defenses up, especially if she is TTC and its not working. she is just trying to make herself feel better, but upseting you in the process.

if i did have any advise it would be to take the high road, try not to take things personal, but in saying that, if she does cross the line, she needs to be pulled up. and if she doesn't grow up, then you may have to take a different approach.

good luck!
A few girls at work do this sort of thing to me. I always manage it with the line "I wish I still thought that way, time ruins a good dream..." in a really wistful voice. "I hope it is different for you....." Don't say any more I tend to find others say it for you, and don't sound angry or catty. Good Luck

I totally agree with PP...your SIL sounds jealous of you and your DF.

She obviously wants to portray that her and her husband have a strong/close relationship and does that by saying they went through a tough time planning their wedding but they got through it. Trying to compare herself and her relationship to yours - as in that you and your DF have gone through a lot together...

To me it sounds like she may feel inadequate with regard to the puppy/baby comment. She doesn't know how hard it is being a parent, and so she doesn't get the benefits of being a parent. I think she wants to show that she works hard at taking care of something, just like you do. She wants to appear maternal maybe?

It really does sound like her own issues though, and if I were you I would *try* to take it as a compliment! Maybe if you show an interest in something that she has or does that you don't she will calm down and not be so passive aggressive.

Just my thoughts, I could be totally off lol.

Good luck! Family is tricky!

Hi,

Just wondering what everyone thinks and if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this. DF's brother's wife is starting to get on my nerves a little, I feel like she is trying to compete with us over a lot of things and trying to show that her and her hubby are better than us? I don't know if it's just me reading too much into it but she has been making a few comments recently and it really feels like she is having a go but hiding it behind a half-joking comment. She is quite young but I feel like she thinks she is quite mature, however she comes across as still fairly naive and lacking life experience. They have been married a year and bought a house and puppies and all the rest, it's like she's in a hurry to have the "perfect" idealistic life.

Anyway at Christmas we were all joking around about the brothers and how they are mummy's boys. My DF said something about how he was practically my husband but SIL cut in and said something like no you haven't been through the hell of organising a wedding yet. It really cut me as DF and I have been together a lot longer than them and have gone through a lot of s#!t and we have a very strong and close relationship, especially since we have had our little boy, as most of you would know having a bub is the ultimate test on a relationship and we have survived it. I don't mean to take anything away from people who are married but IMO marriage is more about the relationship and not a piece of paper. We have been engaged for longer than they've been together and we really want to get married but I have been so busy with uni and now with our bub.

Then the other day we were with DF's family again and someone said they'd much rather look after a puppy than a baby, but SIL said oh no trust me having a puppy is just as much work as looking after a baby. That REALLY annoyed me. How the hell would she know? DS is a really difficult baby and I personally have struggled with the adjustment to being a new mum. I just felt like all my sacrifice and struggle was being smashed into the ground. I didn't want to say anything though as they have been trying to have a baby but haven't been able to yet, so I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

There are so many other things also which just get to me. I've tried to build a relationship with her but we are so different. She is nice enough but she just has this thing with making comments about things she really doesn't know the first thing about.

Does anyone have any advice?


Hi
She is getting to you.... because your letting her. Someone cant compete with you if you dont compete back. Just let it go. Dont listen to her and dont react to everything she says. Its probably just her way and she prob has her own worries and troubles about her comments. Remember, things that people say, most of the time is made in a form directed about someone else but in fact they are actually talking about herself.

Just try to ignore and let it go. She cant get at you if you dont let her! I have LOTS of experience with this and my in-law family!
Thanks for all the input and advice. I really like what you said juliemac74, I think if she ever says something a bit over the line I might try that so she knows she has offended me etc.

It's frustrating though as I don't want to compete with her but the way she has been acting I feel like I should for some reason, in a way I feel like I need to defend my life and let her know that we are happy the way our lives are going.

We do compliment them, like on the reno's they did with their house (even though we thought they were a little dodgy), and if I ever feel envious about anything I will say it, like when they got their puppies I would always say how much I want one but we can't have one as we are renting. We try to be supportive and all that.

But anyway, I don't know. At least I know I'm not crazy now, I just have to learn how to deal with it.

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