Huggies Forum

The Huggies Forum is closed for new replies and topics, you can still read older topics.
  1. home
  2. Baby Forum
  3. General Baby Topics
  4. General Discussion
  5. Dont know what to do- those with older boys

Dont know what to do- those with older boys Lock Rss

Hi I just wanted some advice and I'm not sure what I should be doing.
My DS is 8 and in year 3 at school. Tonight for homework they had free choice and he chose music and wrote a song. I was at work so when I got home went through his bag and found this homework. The written lyrics start off well but then includes the words i like to blow things up and i want to kill kill kill. He doesnt see violence in our everyday life. My DH and i dont fight or use words like this. Ive told my DS how disappointed I am, and that if he had handed it in I would have been called into the school. Ive taken his Ipod off him and deleted anything that i believe may have a hint of violence but i am so upset. He is not an aggressive child. Im waiting for my DH to get home from footy training but he is my first child. Is this something that happens for a boy or should i be going to the school and maybe psychs or something with him?
I only have little little ones well dd1 is in preschool this year but I tell you what they are mini freakin sponges all right!!
I never let my daughter play with toy guns or weapons in fact it's not necessary in my opinion.
But she went to a family members place where they do have toy guns etc and she picked up the bang your dead and the gun noises and stick your arms up I was not impressed!!!
I don't think he needs a psych unless there is other behavior that is worrying you.
Kids learn soo much from each other, did you sit him down and explain exactly why this is not on??
Try not to worry too much his a young boy and hopefully three your great guidance hell see that it's wrong to speak like that etc.
I don't have older boys so I have no idea how normal it is.

Have you sat down and talked to him about it?

You can tell him we aren't violent and we don't use violent words etc, but you can't stop him from feeling it. If he is angry and expressing it in violent song lyrics - maybe thats a good thing? I would be talking to him about it and trying to find out whats going on. The last thing you would want to do is stop him from suppressing and hiding his feelings because its not coming out the right way. If he is saying that stuff because he has other issues going on, then it might be a good thing if the school saw it. It would be like an alarm, then everyone can work together to help him. Don't be embarrassed by it though. He may not actually want to be violent, but the depths of his feelings are extreme and in a testosterone driven boy its just the way it comes out. You don't have to accept violence and by all means explain how those lyrics come across to other people and potential consequences, but maybe don't dismiss it as he might be an underlying issue. Or he might just be trying to be one of the boys. unsure
Hi,

I only have a daughter at this stage (and only had sisters - now there's a son on the way, omg) but I am a primary school teacher.

I always thought that if I had boys they would be the non-violent, non stick-throwing kind but after having taught boys, it's hard not to see the very real difference between the genders!

A class of Kindy kids, with say, 15 boys in it, will typically have about 5+ boys who are absolutely obsessed with guns, warfare, killing and destruction, despite the lovely homes that they come from. Older classes are usually no different. If you set them a writing task it will involve violence, even if it's just them writing about them going for a sleepover at granny's.

I would definitely talk to the teacher about it. She/he might be able to tell you a bit more about who he is hanging out with and what their group is going through. Sometimes it just takes one friend who is playing too many video games to start a bit of a violence frenzy (btw it is completely noticeable as a teacher who plays too many video games)!

I would be going down the positive reinforcement route first, and tell him (in a way that isn't obvious it's a reaction to this) everything you love about him that's a bit more caring and shows understanding (ie looking after animals, little brothers, good at thinking about things, good at caring for other ppl in the class, happy artwork etc). Maybe some extra responsibilities that lets him be mature that you can praise him on? All clap trap coming from a teacher who doesn't have a boy herself, sorry!

But don't worry too much, I think it's great that you're at least concerned, I'm sure you'll work out a way to make sure it's just a phase.

x
If he is not violent in any other way, then I wouldn't be concerned at all. He could be using this song writing as an outlet for his feelings and emotions, both of which he would find difficult at his age to verbalise accurately. I would see it kind of like a diary entry - something that he perhaps finds cathartic. It is also possible that the words sound good for a song, without regarding their actual meaning, which is also typical for a child of that age! It wouldn't hurt to speak to his teacher about it, but if he isn't getting into fights at school, and his friends are not violent, then I wouldn't be worried. That isn't including play fighting, which is simply playing and not intended to be violent!

kerrie, VIC, DD 12/8/03, DD 12/10/05, DD 14/9/07, DD 4/1/10

Hi smile

I don't think you should tell him that you are disappointed in him for expressing himself through writing a song. It is worrying I agree that it is inclined towards violence, but he can only write and feel from what he has experienced in life. If he has seen movies, songs, videoclips, videogames or anything else which contain or glorify violence, then you cannot expect someone of his age to simply rise above it on his own. He is so young, and if he is not a violent child then I would take the song-writing as a sign that he has friends who speak this way (likely), or he watched tv shows or movies which portray and normalise violence (again, likely). If he has an ipod, do you know what songs he is listening to? Can he also view videoclips on the ipod?

You could tell him you disapprove of violence and that the song scares you. You could ask him where he got his ideas, whether he feels the way he wrote or whether he just wrote it as a way of copying other songs he hears. But I really do not think it is fair for you to be angry or disappointed in something a child so young has done, especially in this context, whereby his environment has likely shaped this incident.

And if he really does want to blow things up and feels like killing, then telling him you are angry or disappointed probably won't help much either. If he feels inclined toward violence, it is probably for the best that he has expressed himself. If he feels as though he can confide in you or your partner, then probably that is the best way to go in my opinion.

Hi smile

I don't think you should tell him that you are disappointed in him for expressing himself through writing a song. It is worrying I agree that it is inclined towards violence, but he can only write and feel from what he has experienced in life. If he has seen movies, songs, videoclips, videogames or anything else which contain or glorify violence, then you cannot expect someone of his age to simply rise above it on his own. He is so young, and if he is not a violent child then I would take the song-writing as a sign that he has friends who speak this way (likely), or he watched tv shows or movies which portray and normalise violence (again, likely). If he has an ipod, do you know what songs he is listening to? Can he also view videoclips on the ipod?

You could tell him you disapprove of violence and that the song scares you. You could ask him where he got his ideas, whether he feels the way he wrote or whether he just wrote it as a way of copying other songs he hears. But I really do not think it is fair for you to be angry or disappointed in something a child so young has done, especially in this context, whereby his environment has likely shaped this incident.

And if he really does want to blow things up and feels like killing, then telling him you are angry or disappointed probably won't help much either. If he feels inclined toward violence, it is probably for the best that he has expressed himself. If he feels as though he can confide in you or your partner, then probably that is the best way to go in my opinion.

That's what I was trying to say lol as usual worded perfectly windmill smile
Thanks everyone for your input. I'm a lot calmer than I was last night. Before my DH got home i rang the Child and Youth Health Services parent help line and they had a Councillor on the phone who said a lot of the same thing you guys did. Hes not violent etc and it is probably just stuff he has seen. As soon as DH got home he said straight away that it would be from the game Minecraft which he has played and kids at school play. Have told DS that we don't think its good that he plays that and that he can write what he wants but how things can be portrayed.
Once again thanks for helping!
I had a conversation with my cousin a while back (she's a teacher) about kids and violence.I was of the opinion that if kids arnt exposed to it, they won't display it.... and therefore I wouldn't allow my children to have toy guns, violent video games or violent play.

She actually laughed at me! Lol
Then she explained to me that kids are curious.... death is an interesting topic to them, and they're learning about the world around them anyway. For example.... a basic understanding of violence is that really bad people will get sent to jail. My dd asks what did they do to have to go to jail, and I have to explain that sometimes people do bad things.

Kids will express their limited and curious understanding of death and violence through their play, through drawing, art etc, and will pretend that sticks are guns when there are no toy guns. So you can't really stop it from happening anyway! In a child's mind.... playing guns, shooting and pretending to be dead is a game just like if they played drs and sick people. They are not able to fully comprehend yet the devastating effects death has in real life.

So as much as I don't like seeing my daughter pretending to kill her friends.... yes she's a girl and still does it.... I know that's just part of her learning about the world. She also knows that police are there to keep us safe and that part often plays a part in her play too. And as others have said sometimes kids express their fears through their schoolwork so its important to be able to let them do it, and then chat to them about what they've drawn or written to gain an understanding of whether it was done in fear/frustration, or whether it came from their curiosities.




I agree with all the comments and as a mum of 3 boys I will be very un p.c and say boys will be boys.

mum of 3 boys aged 11, 13 and 14

I agree with PPs re it being a good thing that he writing about it and getting any feelings of anger etc out in this way. I would certainly be reviewing though the kinds of things he is watching, listening to and playing though. Kids don't just pull this stuff out of thin air, they are only acting on what they've seen or heard, I don't think it right to assume that because he's a boy that this is normal behavlour, anyone is capable of voilence but how they express it is more likely to be shaped shaped by what they are exposed to.

Kids don't just pull this stuff out of thin air, they are only acting on what they've seen or heard, I don't think it right to assume that because he's a boy that this is normal behavlour, anyone is capable of voilence but how they express it is more likely to be shaped shaped by what they are exposed to.


Exactly - kids can't get it from nowhere. Violence is just appealing to humanity as a means to power. If young kids are playing gun games - how do they know what a gun is? If they want to blow things up - why did that occur to them? You can't imagine those things unless you already knew that was possible. I think parents generally do not censor things appropriately in the lives of young kids, making it seem that those sorts of things are normal.
Sign in to follow this topic