Annoying In-law habits!

Hi all

I get along get with my MIL, however she does do certain things that REALLY annoy me.

Her favourite one is to buy every child a present on another child's birthday. It really bugs me because i think a birthday is a special day, one that doesn't need to be 'fair'. I'm the youngest of 7 and i know that mum and dad certainly couldn't have afforded to buy each of us a present 7 times a year, as well as at Christmas. It's not even a 'token' pressie, but one the same value as the birthday kids! It drives me crazy!!! I've asked her several times not to do it, that my boys need to learn how to help others celebrate without receiving anything themselves, but she just ignores me. I've also asked DH to talk to her but it's hard to bring up in normal conversation and he doesn't want to cause a scene at a party.

Her other grandchildren are now 6 and 4, and they're starting to get upset by it. You could see our nephew thinking "But it's my birthday" last year, and i'm sure a tantrum is on it's way this august when he turns 7. I don't blame the poor kid! I'd throw a wobbly too!

She's also constantly buying them things, which is starting to bug me too. I don't want my boys to look forward to visiting gradma because they get things, spending time playing with her should be enough!

It's also annoying because my mum has 17 g/children (new nephew last night - Hunter Cain)and can't afford to do the same! Instead of buying them things, she looks after the boys one day a week while i go to work, and as far as i'm concerned, that's much more valuable than presents! She plays with them, reads to them, basically spends all day getting to know them. As she says, "I wont be around forever, i want them to remember me". She also looked after my nieces, and still watches my nephews one day a week. She's always there to babysit, and even better, when she does come to our place to watch the boys, she washes, cleans, vacuums, irons, even cooks dinner some nights!

I want my boys to know the value of people for who they are, not what they can give you!


Sorry for the long b!^^h, but #1's 2nd b/day is only two months away!

hi dette how are you i was just reading what you had wrote and im with you 100%with this one its very hard to try explain youreself or the way you would like things done with youre own children even when they dont listen to you sometimes you might just have to how do i say it umm let rip ive had to do it with my SIL trying to do totally oppisite to what i do with my girl and i find its not very nice to let rip but it works in the end . these days i think with some pepole its all about money and treasure not good old fashioned quality time if you know what i mean and thats great what youre mum does for you and the family my dad does the same for me and it just feels so much nicer . :)hope this is on the same track and has heleped you in some way please let me know take care hope you find some advice to help you out..

hi dette,
i've been struggling for ages with how to say things to my MIL. it is so difficult when what you say seems to be heard but makes absolutely no difference to how they behave. to my understanding, no matter what their reasons are or how strongly they believe what they are doing is right (in your case "fairness") it is up to you and your partner to decide what is right in your family.
i guess it's natural for grandparents to want to spoil their grandchildren but there has to be limits to it. like you say in a childs mind it will soon become an association between grandma and presents.
it is so special being able to make a birthday all about celebrating the child together and she is taking that away from them a bit (although with good intentions i'm sure).
so in short, i agree with you dette!
maybe it will get through to her better if you can get DH to put his foot down firmly with her? a united front might make her listen better.
good luck!!

mel

I feel really strongly about this one as well Dette, My mother in law has only the one grandchild but thinks that she can only 'buy' their love. Every time she came to visit she would bring a present. That stopped as i started to take it off her and say thank you, i will put this away for her birthday when she is old enough to appreciate it comming from you. And i also said, you are the present enough! The only thing i can think of is to relate it back to her.
For instance, did she do this to your husband? The giving of presents to all his brothers or sisters on each birthday?
And did her grandparents do it to her? If so, i am afraid that you have no hope of changing the way she does stuff!! To her tradition is mabye everything, like the time of opening pressies at Christmas!
If that didnt happen, mabye she will understand that if you explain that it will make it so much more of a special day for the child that is having the birthday. You and DH could tactfully say that you want the kids to grow up seeing birthdays like SHE used to do then!
Good luck, Dette

Thanks everyone.

Jen, she didn't do it for my hubby but she got presents all the time because she was raised by her 2 spinster aunties( she was a war-baby and her mother died when she was 10). They couldn't afford much so they weren't big presents, but her aunts certainly made sure she was well looked after.

When my MIL and FIL moved here from the UK with my DH, they left the twp older boys in England (they were at Uni) so she spoiled my hubby rotten! Even now, all he has to do is admire something they have and it's offered straight away!

I know she means well, but i don't want my boys associating 'things' with love! I know hubby has to talk to her (I've tried and failed) but the problem is finding the right time without causing a confrontation! Oh well, he has until the 19 June!!!!

Thanks again everyone

Themost annoying mother in law habit that i have come across is MIL wanting to know every detail of mine and my ex husbands life (especially when we were still together). even now she wants to know where he is what he does whos he on the phone to etc, hes 23. no matter how many times the both of us and other family members tell her to butt out she keeps butting in.

iwhen i first met her i trusted that my words to her would be confidentaial only to find out she told my hubbie everything.

DRIVES ME MAD !!

my MIL has been desperate to have ella on her own and also overnight for a while now and i have been putting her off partially because i didn't feel ready to be away from her overnight and mostly because i dont trust that she will watch her properly. she is always doing 10 things at once and doesn't concentrate well at the best of times, it makes her really forgetful.
last night we went to their house for dinner and she took ella outside to play on the deck with her, she got distracted while ella was playing on these 2 wide shallow steps and ella fell face first down them! i know that accidents happen no matter how attentive you are but you'd think that it would be obvious to pay more attention on steps wouldn't you? so if i needed any reinforcement about my feelings there it was! the other thing that really p*sses me off is that they don't listen to me when i ask them not to give her things. FIL wanted to give her some sausage and i said yes but cut it up so she wont choke on it. he said no no she'll be fine. everyone at the table aggreed with him so he gave her the whole end and she choked on it. exact same thing with the end of a garlic bread. its not that i like to make him wrong, i just wish he would LISTEN TO ME!!! heaven forbid i might know what i'm talking about.
sorry guys for the rant. i just get so mad and have no one else to complain to.
mel

No worries Mel, that's what it's here for!

I'm like you. My two boys (22 months and 6 months) haven't stayed with my in-laws at all! Actually, they did babysit once but that was before Marshall was born and Xander was already in bed. Basically they watched TV!!

It's not that i don't love them, it's just that i don't feel comfortable. It's been a long time since they had little ones and they don't seem as cautious as i would be. My FIL also had a stroke in November, and although his recovery has been sensational and he hasn't lost anything other than a little of his eyesight, my MIL really treats him as a child sometimes! Yesterday he was holding my 6 mo and she wouldn't leave him alone, constantly telling him to be careful, and hold him this way or that! It really annoyed me, because not only would i have not let him hold my son if there was any chance of him being dropped, but my FIL is not stupid and wouldn't have taken Marshall unless he was capable of cuddling him!! I felt like yelling "For God's sake, leave him alone!!"

On the other hand, my mum looks after the boys all the time, because i trust her. Not only to know what to do, but if i ask her not to do something, or to do it my way, she always does. She said when my first was born, "He's your son, you tell people what to do and if they don't do it, tell them to get lost!"

If i were you, i'd remind them who the mother of your child is, and just say that although you know they think they are doing the right thing, that it's you who decides what is best for your child.

thanks dette,
like you it's not that i don't love them, thats what makes it so hard to tell them off!
my mum also looks after our daughter all the time and often takes her on her own for a few hours. i know that she will do things exactly the way i ask her to and would ring me to check whether she is allowed anything different. (aren't mums great?) i wonder why it's different with in-laws? they are more likely to give her things i've asked them not to and tell us on our return "we let her try some (something) and she LOVED it"
i dont know what i am going to do when i need to go back to work as MIL is expecting to look after her one day a week. i dont know how to explain it to DH either because he is very close to his mum (while understanding she is a bit crazy) and i dont want to seem rude about it.
i know they all think i am being overprotective but even if i am, like you say, that is my right as her mother.
is your husband supportive of your decision not to let MIL look after them yet?
mel

wow, my mother in law isnt the only one causing trouble. my MIL is the splitting image of Marie from everyone loves raymond, she says the same thing she even looks the same.

when i was pregnant, my MIL was referring to imogen as HER baby (strange i thought i was the one carrying her)

and i have been told that i am not giving my children ANY junk food until they are 5, not even birthdays of anything, when i said i made the age limit 2, i was told i was wrong, and the age would be 5.
when i was younger the grandparents was a place i could escape to knowing that i was going to get treats and lollies that i wouldnt get at home. im thinking our kids are going to enjoy staying home rather than being with the sugar nazi.

she also thinks that if she buys more things than my parents she will be loved more

My MIL is nice and I know she loves us and all her family (they are really closeknit) but she is driving me NUTS! In fact, I'm starting to dread her visits - she's starting 'surprising' me and just turning up so I keep the front door locked at all times so she can't walk in.

She has another grandson 5months older than my 7mth son and seems to forget that my son doesn't do what the older one can, ie what he eats/can't sit up without support or someone watching him etc.

Her favourite annoying habit is constantly making a point to me but doing it by talking to my son.

For example: "one day when your mummy lets you, you'll be able to stay the night at my house" (the other grandson stays over quite often and at her holiday home, he actually sleeps in the portacot in HER room while the parents 'have a good night's sleep' downstairs). I certainly WON'T be doing this!

Another example: "oh, you'll be having a white bottle soon won't you" - this last comment the very next day after my partner and I had a discussion with her about the pressure I was getting about getting my son onto bottlefeeding. She said at the time, if you're both happy with it there's no problem. Then that. Aargh!

She always 'talks to my son' to make an indirect comment about my mothering skills. I met her for lunch last week and put my baby on the floor propped up with pillows with toys to play with. He got grizzly as he was tired and she said 'oh, your mummys a mean mummy isn't she' and picked him up.

She constantly overstimulates both grandchildren. When you go for a visit she is constantly shoving one toy after another in their faces, picking them up, singing to them, jiggling them on her knee etc etc. This is all well and good but there is a time and place and when both bubs are tired and it's past their bedtimes, I don't believe constant stimulation is the answer. The woman doesn't have a clue.

Oh, and finally... if I'm in the shower or out of the house and miss her message on our answerphone, if I haven't answered immediately, she text messages my partner to check if I've got her message and what my reponse is. It's like shes making sure I don't get away from her.

I'm started to develop a non-love for her. Think thats the nicest way I can put it. I just know I'm going to fly off the deepend and let her have it soon.

hi guys my problem isn't MIL its my mother
she seems to think bub is hers and refers to her in cards as "OUR GEORGIA" , she even had the nerve to tell me of when i tryed her on farex. I Know sh elives away from us but she gets so jealous of any who spends time with me or bubs that i try not to tell her to much. she used to love my partner but ever since bubs was born she has nothing good to say about him which hurts as i have to be between them. I love my mum very much but i just can't handle the jelousy. sad