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MIL - don't want to upset but... Rss

Sorry but I really need to let it out.
I get along really well with my MIL, but there are a few things that bother me.
I'm at uni part time this semester and on Monday's Emily spends the day at her grandma's house while I study. I was a bit aprehensive at the start of the year about beginning the habit, because there is always bits of stuff on the floor - fluff, bits of food, tags, ties (bread), you name it. And like any baby her age everything goes in her mouth... but the alternative was day care and MIL would have been very hurt if I had taken Em to daycare instead of her place. And 3 months on, Emily loves going there.
The problem was that last night we went there for dinner - and Emily was playing in the lounge with the toys in the box behind the armchair, which is only visible from the entry doorway, so we couldn't see her. None of us thought anything of it because she normally goes and plays... but MIL had been cleaning and had left her 'handyman' tool tray full of cleaning products right near the entry doorway too. Aparently she forgot she hadn't put it away. Later when I packed up the toys that Emily had dragged out I noticed the cleaning stuff near the toys, and a bottle of toilet 'duck' laying beside the armchair that MIL doesn't put the cap on because it's hard to get off all the time. Obviously Em had pulled it out of the tray and put it there, and my immediate reaction was "I hope she hasn't drank any". I have no idea what would happen if she did, but it's probably a dangerous product to drink - hence the childproof cap!!! My FIL who was sitting in the chair immediately picked it up and put it on the coffee table as if it would leak on the carpet, but no mention of SORRY or IS SHE OK??! MIL was away getting ready for work, so we didn't see her after that.
We were leaving anyway but left straight away and I felt sick all night thinking what if she had drank some (I don't think she would) and dies in her sleep. I just prayed that she hadn't.
When we got home hubby thought that I was upset with him... but didn't even seem to care that she could have drank some. He just asked if I was taking Emily there today - with my response of NO!
At least HE rang his mum and told her that we wouldn't be around this morning.
I don't want Emily to go there again when I'm not there if she does (with me/us) I will be checking EVERYWHERE! Hubby's response was that we can't just stop taking her there - everyone makes mistakes. My theory is I'm not saying they can't see her but you can't be too careful when it comes to kids, and who's to say something like this won't happen again? At home I make sure that there is nothing within her reach that she shouldn't have, yet they don't seem to care. If Emily were at a daycare centre and something like that happened I definitely wouldn't be taking her back, so why is it any different because we are related - seeing as she has her on Monday's. Not only that, she tends to fall asleep easily, so who's to say that she won't fall asleep and Emily get into something she's not meant to. I would get her to come here but she doesn't drive and lives about 10 minute drive away, so can't get here during the day when FIL's at work.
My problem is that I really don't want to upset her and if I stop taking her there to mind she will be very upset, yet I value my daughter's life way more.
To add to that, I will be at uni full time next semester and she is expecting to mind her more often (like 2-3 days a week). I'm thinking that even though we can't really afford it I might have to get her into day care.
What do I do?

Whoa, this is a tough one. I am not sure what you should do. Maybe you could discuss your concerns/fears with youe MIL? Tell her what happened and that this is not appropriate.

If it is such a concern to you, then I would do what feels right. If you are going to be worried all day long then that is not good for you or your daughter.

The falling asleep thing is a bit worrying I have to say. I would also not feel comfortable with this.

In the end, this is your baby, do what feels right for your family. Feelings getting hurt is not your top priority anymore, your DD is!!
I think there are two options:

1. Have an honest chat with the MIL. She needs to know you don't feel bubs is safe, whether you continue to use her as a baby sitter or not. Its not the easiest thing to do but I think it needs to be done. Your kids are going to play there often so she really can't afford to be making mistakes with chemicals that will kill your child, should they drink them.

2. Put your baby in kindy.

I had a friend that offered to take DD. I opted for Kindy for not only DD's safety, but for all the other things kindy has to offer - education, socialising, routine etc. I love my friend, but, she doesn't keep her house to the standard I would expect should DD stay there - so opted for the expensive alternative. Yeah, it totally sucks how much I have to pay - but I go to work knowing DD is as safe and happy as possible. Just means I have to budget better and make some compromise as to our life style.

Money is a huge issue, so I can totally understand you wanting to leave bubs with her Grandma. I think it can still work, however, you need a tactful approach to chatting with Grandma. Maybe Grandma just needs a gentle reminder of child proofing. Either way, its not a nice position for you to be in.

DD is 3yr 8 months - DS is 6 months

my MIL wonder why she can never look after Lillie at her place,but its such an old weatherboard home,with mice!!!!
So there is ratsack all over the floors,and old rugs that have fluff and dirt allover them,and her dog constantly poos inside,and that carpet is sooooo old,and has never been cleaned,plus they both smoke inside,infront of children!!!!!!

this is all a no-no for me,

i too agree with Kazi,sit her down and mention these things to her,can only help?

Lillie....1 year old!!!

In Adeladie there are St Johns Child care courses on for about $50 bucks. I am sure they have them in all states.

They talk about stuff like safety in the home as well as resucitation.

When I went there were plenty of mums with mil/mum's etc.

Maybe you could offer to go with her and they will talk about all the things to beaware of. They talk of some terrible, terrible storys that have happened because of situations like the one you spoke of. They will shock her into being more careful, believe me.

Forget about upsetting her about it, this is your little girl and you need to keep her healthy and safe.

Also, your husband should support you and talk about it with your mil, not leave you to do it. It is far easier for him than you.

Jo, SA, Dylan born Dec 05

I have the same situation. I am at uni part time, and my MIL looks after my son one day a week, but at my house. There are times when it would be more convenient for him to stay at her house (this won't happen until he is at least 5 years old. lol) but we tell her that Zac will be more settled if he is in his own familiar surroundings. Her house has so many things wrong with, I wouldn't even know where to start if I told her to kiddie proof it. She also has two big dogs living in the house (bull mastifs) and like Mimmys MIL the dogs poo in the house and bring in lots of dirt and sticks etc so the house is never clean. (well to my standards) My husband and I are quite happy to give her petrol money for coming up. Could you organize a taxi for her to come to your house? It will still be cheaper than a day in child care. Next year when I start doing more courses at uni I will look into day care. My uni offers child care facilities on campus, what about yours? I still plan on letting her look after him one day a week though and I know she will be upset but I will justify it by saying he needs to socialize with other children and it will be good for his developement. Personally I think if you use this reason it would be better than being up front. Women her age are unlikely to change their habits of a life time and she would no doubt take offense.

3year old wonderful little helper

Hi Emmy's Mum,

What a difficult situation to be in! I can imagine how worried you must have been about the toilet duck, I would have been frantic!

I agree with the other mums who said you should get your husband to speak with her about it - this is what I do when I need my MIL to actually take something in and remember it - she listens to her son and doesn't get offended - I think it's a good policy for each partner to deal with sticky situations with their own parents. And even if your husband doesn't think it's a big deal, that's not the point - you are worried about it (and rightly so!), and it's his job to back you up!

You may find your MIL gets her nose out of joint temporarily, but you can't leave your wee girl with her unless you're 100% happy about it, your child's safety is the most important thing. Good luck!

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