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In-laws, somebody help me please!!! Rss

I am at my wits end with my in-laws, and wondering if anyone can offer me some advice, or tell me if I'm the one in the wrong.

We live on property, and my in-laws live about 500m away from us. Since the birth of our daughter, they have been on my doorstep, constantly. Firstly, without knocking, walking into my bedroom, when I'm in the shower or toilet (Mother-in-law). I have continuously challenged my husband about this, asking him for some support, and about a month ago, things suddenly got better. (I had asked a friend to pray for me, so maybe that was it.) Anyhow, now my father-in-law has started asking if he can take my daughter over to their house. This morning, he came over, asked if she'd had breakfast, and when I said yes, he wanted to take her, I said she was due for a sleep. Then he said, well can you ring me when she wakes up so I can take her? I am not comfortable with him taking her away. I only have 8 weeks left until I go back to work (2 days a week) and I would like to live a normal life with my baby until then. With out have them on my doorstep wanting to see her all the time, and take her. They have no hobbies, are both retired, and have nothing else to do.

Somebody please help me as they are ruining my marriage, and I don't thing I can live like this forever!

Mummy of 2 little angels. 6/6/03 & 3/8/05 & No 3

Hi Calli

You're certainly not in the wrong. I thought I had it bad with my inlaws - they live about an hour away from us, I really feel for you. My husband and I have had so many fights because of his parents, it's really hard as he's caught in the middle. Sometimes I just back down to save having an argument but you can only take so much. I can't see us living like this forever, something's got to give. His mum is really manipulative and knows all the right buttons to push - constantly making my husband feel guilty. Why can't they realise if they weren't so pushy we wouldn't feel so reluctant to see them? You have a right to your own privacy. Have you tried explaining to your inlaws how you feel? I know it doesn't always work - I've tried with my MIL but she just goes crying to my husband and I'm constantly looking like the monster. All I want is for us to have our own family life without everyone having to know all the ins and outs. Maybe you could set a morning or afternoon each week aside when they could come over or better still you go there so you can decide when the visit finishes - just a suggestion. I've never left my son with anyone either - he's 9 months too - I just don't feel comfortable with leaving him yet, and I'm still breastfeeding which makes it a bit difficult. Anyhow I hope this helps. Just know that you're not alone there are plenty of us out there in the same boat.

All the best
Jasmine
Having a new grand daughter must be very exciting for your PIL and they have forgotten how things were before the birth. You may need to explain that you realise they are very excited but you need them to knock, it is your baby and you want to enjoy your time with her. I assume you will let them mind her now and again, but they can't take the baby away from you - especially if you're not comfortable with that. Maybe organise a regular time they can see her (eg, I'll bring her over at afternoon tea time - that way you can leave when you wish to).
Now as for your husband, he isn't going to see it as you see it - he will think they are being helpful and you should appreciate them. My parents in law drive me crazy - when we visited them at christmas with our 6 week daughter, my MIL followed me around driving me crazy - my husband couldn't see the problem. So I think you need to decide what makes you comfortable / uncomfortable and deal with them as you would deal with someone at work. They want to see her - you want to raise & love her. You know her needs, they want to play - there will be plenty of time for that when she can walk!!! Hope I've helped - Jen

Jen, 42, first baby!

I totally understand! I do get along with my MIL but since being pregnant she gets on my nerves.
she used to stare at my pregnant stomach which made me uncomfortable.
The day I came home from hospital with baby they had to be there 10 mins after I got home, again staring at me holding the baby putting him to sleep. Everything I do she makes me think that she thinks I'm incompetent.
I agree with the other women who have responded to your post by going to visit them instead that way when I think I have had enough It's time to leave.
I like my privacy and to raise my child my way not theirs!!!

Vic, 3 y.o boy

Hello

What is it with mother in laws? I have had the same probs too. It was only when Georgia was born I started sticking up for myself though.

I eventually learnt to not use my partner as the middle man (I would not like it if I was in his position either) So any grieviences that come up I approach the inlaws directly.

It is so hard, and now they think I am a dragon but it has helpped stop his mothers scheming.

Georgia is nearly 7months old and I am dreading our visit to them in QLD, It will happen at some point. I guess I will cross that birdge when I come to it.

Be strong girls, we know what is best for our bubs.

Kathy
Thank you all so much for your advice. I actually rang my father-in-law that morning to say that until I went back to work I wanted to spend every minute I could with Jessie, and that when I went back to work they would be having her for the whole day. They accepted that. I know what some of you guys mean by 'manipulative'. In the start, I would lock my door, to stop them from sneaking in on me in the shower etc. Then my husband would go over to their house and they would say "Oh, we went over, but for some reason the door was locked!" Then he would come home and I'd be in trouble for having the door locked.

My other problem is his jealousy of my family. Because they live half an hour away, when I go to visit Mum & Dad, I'm there for the whole day. When I go to visit his parents, it's usually only for an hour or so. I get in trouble for this! He hates that my parents get to spend more time with Jessie than his parents. However, there is no need for me to spend all day there, and I can't go and visit Mum for and hour and then turn around and come home! He thinks I should be going shopping with his mother, and doing all of those girly things with his mother. I have tried to explain endless times, that my mother is my best friend, I shouldn't be expected to socialise with his mother. All of my other friends have the same relationship with their mother, and I feel I'm limiting my time with Mum, just to suit him. His mother will have all of this with his sister (her daughter) when the time comes. I feel he's restricting me from having a mother/daughter relationship with Mum. He also thinks I should drop Jessie off over there and leave her there for an hour. I'm not comfortable with this, as I believe she's my child, and Grandparents are there to be visited, not babysitters, unless the need arises. ie they will be looking after Jessie for 1 day a week when I go back to work.

Is anyone else in the same boat? I guess I just need to talk about things.

Mummy of 2 little angels. 6/6/03 & 3/8/05 & No 3

Hi Calli

I know exactly how you feel. I've always had problems with my MIL - but as soon as we announced I was pregnant things got 100 times worse. All she would do is give me doom and gloom stories - which made it very hard to stay positive. I explained to my husband that she was really stressing me out and he finally talked to her and she just turned on the tears and said 'It's only because I think of her as my own daughter blah, blah, blah...' which is a load of rubbish. She'd been going around the rest of their family telling everyone I didn't have a clue about pregnancy or raising a baby, and she is a real control freak - unless you do things her way you're a complete idiot. Anyhow now I avoid her as much as possible - she knows what she's doing. We've got an answering machine so I screen all our calls - all because she used to ring all the time, and last week my husband was talking to her on the phone and she said 'Why doesn't Jasmine want to talk to me?' Then a couple of days ago I came home and he was on the phone to her again and she heard me come in and asked to speak to me. I got on the phone as she was as nice as pie >:-< . She's totally different when he's not there. I'm so sick of all the game playing. We've had a couple of confrontations but after a while she just acts as though nothing ever happened. My concern is that she will start using the same manipulation on my son - she does it with all her own kids. The annoying thing is if any of her daughter's MILs treated them the way she treats me she'd be the first one do jump up and down about it !!! Of course you are going to have a more special realationship with your own mother, and there should be no aplogies for that. Your mother is YOUR mother and nobody can or should try to compete with that. Anyhow I better not write anymore - I'm paranoid she'll come across this site then I'll really be in trouble tongue !!! If you want to email me my address is: jas_mbrown@hotmail.com

Hope to talk soon
Jasmine
This post has been edited by the moderator.
I am so sorry to hear these stories guys. On top of everything it is hard to get back up for My MIL is nice to me with my partner around and totally opposite when he is not around. When I eventually picked up on this I realised I was not going to let her play anymore games.

I think she is quite bored now for I do not rise to her bait and try very hard to squash any misunderstandings right away. .

It took along time to stop rising to her bait. It goes against all my instincts to be rude but when I put her on the spot like she does to me or simply ask "Why" to her unbelievable comments, she has become less offensive. (So I have to be mean for her to leave me alone, go figure)

I truly hope you find an answer, I haven't!! But talking about it helps so much, I start to think I must be the problem. You would not believe what probs the mums in my mothers group have with their MILs too.

In the end we deserve respect, I don't know if it is right or not, but my MIL will not get any from me anymore till she respects me, I spent 3 years bending over backwards for her to like me. What a joke.

Just remember you are important too, you have rights, and you deserve to be respected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi ggholly

You are right, we do deserve respect. I've spent 8 years trying to get along with my MIL!!! But I'm certain she thrives on causing problems - she does it to the whole family and everyone else says (including my husband) that's just how she is, you just have to tolerate it. Like you, I've given up trying to be nice and I now put her on the spot just as she does to me, and she does subside for a while, but soon enough she's back to her old ways again. The few times my husband has backed me up she has changed her ways for a while, but he doesn't stick with it as he is scared that he will be cast out of the family - which is probably true. But I'm sure if he just stuck at it she would soon realise that she couldn't hold it over him and that respect works both ways. I really do wish we could all get along. I think we all just have to accept the fact that we can't change other people, but that doesn't mean we have to put up with disrepect. As Dr Phil says 'You teach people how to treat you'. If the rest of the family wants to be steamrolled and play games, that's their problem, but my son and I won't be a part of it.

It really does help to talk about it - and just to know there are others out there facing the same challenges.

All the best to everyone - stay strong.
Jasmine
This post has been edited by the moderator.
Hi Jasmine,

I think you are doing a wonderful job, I am sorry to rant and rave in my last post, there certainly is no easy solution is there?

I found out accidently while I was pregnant (my MIL wanted to stay with me till buba was born as my partner works overseas 6 on 6 off) she was giving my partner a completely different story to what she was telling me, she did not bank on my partner showing me her email.

It made me upset for I felt she was going to ruin our special day(birth of Georgia) hence my respect mantra!!

I think you are doing all the right things, and with me two wrongs do not make a right, I guess we just have to hang in there. Thanks for your support.

I think Dr Phil is cool too!!!!!!!!

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