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leaving bubs with in-laws Lock Rss

Hi all,

I think everyone goes though this.

After my bubs was born we would drop into my in-laws on the way to the shops on a Saturday so they could see the baby. A couple of times they told us to go to the shops and pick up bubs on the was home. I really didn't want to do it but didn't want to upset them. It killed me and we would rush around and be back with in an hour.

My mil used to look after kids at home and only retired about 3 years ago so "SHE KNOWS IT ALL". lately she has been telling me she wants bubs for a day but i keep putting it off. I think its because her firend's looks after her granddaughter a lot. but i want kids to look after them not to shove them off to everyone. I feel like i have to prove so much to her that i can do it.

what gets me is that she has told me b4 that some kids she has looked after she has started toilet training and doing other stuff with out the parents knowing. That really gets me its up to the parents to decide when they want to do it.

They also smoke in the house and when we are over there i will stay in a different room with bubs but i think if were not there they sill smoke in the same room especially my father in-law.

And what really gets me is they live 2 streets away and we always have to go over there they never come to see bubs at our house and they get Sh**ty if we don't go and see them. every weekend we have to see them. i would love a weekend where we didn't have to see them.

Bubs never had a dummy and i went interstate to see family with her and i said to mil that i had packed a dummy just in case she gets grumpy on the plane and she had a go at me that if i give it to her she will always want it and ill never be able got get rid of it. Come on its not that hard. but what's she dosen't know is that bubs does have one when she goes to bed now coz she started sucking her thumb.

I would give bubs to my parents any day, i think its coz we know what they are really like.
[Edited on 24/05/2008]

I know exactly how you feel. I always thought there would be no issues letting my MIL look after my DS but since he's been born there have been quite a few issues with how she looks after him and when I try to talk to her she becomes completely offended even though I'm trying my hardest to be polite. I now work part time and get my mum to look after him and as much as I know this hurts my MIL's feelings, it's the only way I can go to work right now feeling that he is safe.
I've made it very clear to her that I would like her to baby sit him for shorter periods of times on the weekends when I need to get some errands done but she's told me that if she can't look after him for the whole day then she doesn't want to.

It is much harder to trust inlaws than your own folks.

My parents help heaps with DS. I am not too fussed about leaving him as a general rule (I went back to work when he was 4 months and DH was a stay at home dad). My mum has him one day and night a week and never fails to help out if we want a night out or have stuff that is just too hard with a toddler (like selling your house which we are at the moment).

My MIL is lovely, but has a lot on her plate. My SIL is intellectually diasabled and although pretty good, needs a fair amount of input. My other SIL is a single mum and lives with my inlaws in a unit at the back of their place. Add to the mix a lovely but child UNfriendly home, and 3 high maintainence lap dogs.... not much room for our wee man! We rarely ask for help because of the above, but I am sometimes disappointed that when we do ask (i.e. no other option) it is often made out to be a trial when DS is a very easy toddler to look after. I have to say there is less trust with inlaws because there are so many distracting factors and I know DS is not watched around dogs/stairs etc. as closely as I would like.

Add to that, they think I am hard line mum from hell because I try to maintain some discipline. They are constantly giving him sweets between meals and I do not mind occasional treats but it gets out of hand. I also did the Gina Ford routine to great effect (very contented baby and toddler) and was berated about how mean I was for things such as the no eye contact or talking at night feeds etc. Mind you DH and I totally on the same page but I am the one they have a crack at (DH told them in his usual nice way where he stood but no attention paid to this as per usual).

Look, even my parents find the whole 'thinking' corner concept ridiculous and think DS should just be smacked so you cannot win.

And smoking around my nearest and dearest would be a deal breaker too. No way jose.

Ok, enough whining and maybe some suggestions? Maybe invite them over for a coffee? Maybe let MIL look after him for limited time periods? It is easier as they get older. I think you need to have a serious chat about the smoking though - good evidence that it is terrible for babies! If they love you child they will not do it around him.

Sorry for long post, bet I am not the only one 'hearing you'.

Sounds like a tough one! It can be so hard to trust others! I actually have more issues with my own mother than my husbands only because she is quite involved in my sons life and as a result thinks she can voice an opinion on almost everything.

The first time I left my son with my mother in law ( for about half an hour) I was a bit nervous but also thought well she did raise 3 children and they are all ok! If she gives me suggestions I listen but don't always take it on just like with my mum.

Smoking is not on, and you need to tell them how you feel about that, it will probably be really uncomfortable and you may need to get your husband to do it but it needs to be said and as her parents you have a right to say what you do and dont like around your child.

As for them never coming over, maybe you could invite them over for a bbq or something like that for a saturday or sunday and that way bubs is still in her environment and you'll feel more comfortable in your own home and the best part...no smoking inside they'll have to smoke outside!

Good luck!
[Edited on 28/05/2008]
My problem with the in-laws is completely opposite. My father-in-law remarried after his wife passed away. That was like about 9 yrs ago. She turned out to be much younger person and not interested in children, finds his grandchildren annoying. She has zero tolerance for kids being kids. We don't leave our young kids with them. My brother has left his two kids with them and there was an incident that the elder child was pushed. He fell over. He's son came running to tell them about it but they weren't sure what actually happened. But they got a call days later from her apologizing to them. Unbelievable!

She has 2 adult children and 3 grand children that she hardly see. We all think she has serious issues in her mind.

We won't leave our kids with them even if it's emergency.

Sorry, I'm not helping am I? I can't help on this one.
You don't EVER have to leave your kids with anyone if you are not comfortable. Especially if the only reason is so you don't hurt their feelings....

Those niggly instincts are your protective instincts. They are what stop you from putting your kid in danger. (I am in no way suggesting your IL are dangerous - just pointing out if you supress and rationilise your instinct you will lose it when you need it.)

It doesn't matter in the slightest if their feelings are hurt - if you aren't comfortable for whatever reason, don't do it.

I don't leave my dd with anyone even though my IL and my family keep saying we should. They don't seem to get that we actually enjoy doing things with our daughter and we chose to have her so we could spend time with her.....

You have permission to say no!
i think most mums do feel alot more comfortable leaving their babies with their own mum than their inlaws - if only because you can often tell your parents what you really think, and its so much harder with your inlaws!!

maybe your MIL is feeling left out cos her friends are babysitting their grandkids alot. But some families rely alot on grandparents and others are v independent...and you need to live your life in the way that makes you happy. its good if you can get along with your inlaws but that doesn't mean you have to leave your daughter with them for them to raise, toilet train etc!

I have always been a v independent person, and like OC i found i really wanted to spend time with DD when she was little and didn;t want to farm her off on others. Also my inlaws both work and my parents and sister live overseas so i had to stand on my own 2 feet. I took her everywhere with me, and if i had an appt she couldn;t come to then i planned it for weekennds when i knew DH could look after her. now things are a bit different with 2 kids under 18mths and i have to accept more offers of help, but i'm still v independent with them and take them most places.

i would suggest you raise the smoking issue though...the longer you leave it the more they are likely to think you accept it.....and do they smoke at your place? if not, maybe make an effort to get them to come over more - invite them over for dinner or coffee. if you can sort things out and have an honest chat with them it really will help....the issues just get more complicated as your kids get older smile

CLaire
hey i have similar problems that i'm feeling very confused about.
My girls are 8 months and the only person they have been left with is my mum.. I know my mum really well and know that she looks after them as well as me, reads to them, sings to them, plays with them.. etc.. so having twins i often need a few hours of my own time just to go downtown...
My mum and I have the same values etc..

Then i get people saying to me 'I bet your MIL is helpful' 'Bet she looks after them a lot' and i don't know what to say because i would never leave them with my In Laws.. they are not the kind of person i would leave them with..They appear good on the outside in public but when you get closer to them you find out what kind of people they really are.
My MIL and FIL don't like me, didn't want us to marry, told their son he deserved someone better, i was a waste of time, and they didn't want any involvement in our life in future. Besides that they are both very manipulative and controlling... and it's not the kind of influence we want on my children, so we have cut them off for trying to break me and DH up.
Should i feel bad about not letting them see my children? Leaving them there or even letting them see them makes my skin crawl..? And what do you say to people who ask?
OHMIGOSH I feel like tearing my hair out for you !!!! I'm having my own issues with my in-laws, but nothing compared to you. I just wanted to punch you MIL's lights out !

I personally wouldn't leave my child with my in-laws, they did ask, but I wouldn't have a bar of it. The mere fact that they smoke in the house is indicative enough that they are not fit to mind your precious bundle. You are the mother and if they can't respect your wishes, then they forego the right to be left alone with your lil angel ! And as for the trying to start training kids to do their forst milestones without your permission is just down right rude and disrespectful. You and your husband are the parents, it's your child, and it's up to you both when you want to start training them.

Does your husband support your feeling on this matter ? If so he needs to lay the law down with his family.

I also know what you mean about trusting your own parents with your child, I am soooooo the same.

Sorry for getting on my high horse, I just really feel for you !!!!
Nod and smile... then avoid leaving your bub with them for any period of time long enough for them to interfere. Maybe you can ask her to come to your house to watch bub while you do some errands so that she wont smoke inside.
Aside from that, if you have a doubt about leaving your baby with them, don't. I believe you should never ignore your instincts. You are the mum, you know your child best.
As for the dummy, I have had to start giving my daughter one to help with her reflux. When they question me I just nod and smile. I want her to be happy and secure and I wont deny her a little comfort just to satisfy them.
I feel like i'm reading a post that i have written!

Tilda's mum i totally understand where you are at! Especially with the smoking! I have been battling with this since DD was born. My MIL has been told that she is not to smoke AT ALL while she is in the company of my DD. She can't pick her up after smoking must clean her teeth or rinse her mouth out, wash her hands and spray! As for her staying at her place without me. Just aint going to happen. My only advise on this level. Go to the SIDS website and print out the section on smoking and the effects it has on infants! I printed this out for my partner and he backs me up 100% My theory is, if they love their Grand children and want only the best for them they will and should understand your wishes as a parent.

Your MIL needs to understand that she has had her chance to raise her own children and to back off and let you raise yours.

Questions??? Does she have a daughter? My partner is one of 2 boys and both myself and my BIL's wife do not get along with our MIL. We used to before there were kids involved but she has now become so god damn obessed with our children she's blind sighted and can't see the damage that's being caused. She has no concept of boundaries and sounds to me like your MIL is very similar! I often think if my partner had a sister things would be a little different.

I'm starting back at work in two weeks and my mother will have DD one day and my MIL with have DD for the other. I have no issue with my mum but am so concerned about how things with go with MIL.

You should never feel preasured to leave your baby with someone your not comfortable with and if she's telling you about how she'd do things her own way and not yours then i would tell her that if you found out she was then she could forget about looking after her again. i know it's drastic but hey its your baby!

So thats my 2 cents worth. you'll probably have many more posts!
Good luck and i hope she backs off
smile

Hi twinkie mum,
I work two days a week and my DS is looked after by my Mum (was meant to be one day by my MIL originally but I haven't been able to bring myself to that yet!) and the best thing I did was print out a rough schedule of when my DS likes to sleep & eat and pop it on the front of the fridge, my Mum uses it like a bible smile

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