i thought our baby would save our marriage

i was married when i was 18 and had a baby in october 2003. but i feel i have fallen out of love... my husband could not live without me, but i feel trapped. i thought my daughter could save our marriage.
there is an age gap between us. 13 years difference. is there anyway we can work things out and not hurts my daughter???

i would love to hear from other mum's who have been in a similar situation or any suggestions.

Hi, I've been in a similar situation and my advice is to start working on things now. If done whilst bubs is young they get to avoid the hurt. Be honest with your husband and yourself too. My ex was never honest with me about his feelings or activities and without honesty there is nowhere to go.

Plenty of good kids come from split families and plenty of people go through this and come out whole again. Find a good councillor in your area and talk.

My parents have a gap of ten years and they split and got back together - Mum having had us all young was fed up and confused.We kids all got through it.

Good Luck and don't panic. Everything happens for a reason. My son basically saved me from a terrible situation. I never cared enough to save myself but once pregnant I had another life relying on me. He is the greatest blessing I've ever recieved.

Hi Jennie,
I am not in your position, but I was a child who's parents divorced after about 15 years, and I can still remember how I felt, even though I was only 7 years old. Please, if you are really unhappy in your marriage, then forcing yourself to stay, will make things worse for your daughter. She will pick up on your unhappiness, and it will cause her unhappiness. I am not saying to separate. Look back at when you first fell in love with your husband. What was it about him that you fell in love with? Is that still there? If so, then why don't you love him anymore. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. Communication in a marriage is really important. If you find you cannot talk to him in person, or say what you feel, write it down in a letter and give it to him. Remember, words say a thousand words. I hope things work out for you, but remember for your daughters sake, and yours, you need to stay happy. Good luck.
Tracey

Hi jennie, You dont mention how things are at home, perhaps you are just very tired from having a new born baby? Sleep deprivation is a terrible terrible thing and I swear its a form of torture!! When I had my son I went through a simular thing to you. I felt like I had lost myself, and I was trapped. I didnt want to mix with other mothers I wanted a "normal" conversation that didnt involve babies. I would try to get out of the house and everytime I would bump into someone and the conversation was always - babies. I had to live that 24/7 and I so wanted to run away from it all and just be me, the old me, but she didnt exist any more. I felt like I had now done everything and that was all there was to life. I loved my baby dont get me wrong but I was so overwhelmed by it all. I also questioned if I still loved my husband. We would argue all the time and I would tell him to just go and leave as we would be better off without him. I also grudged the freedom he had and I had lost. He could and did come and go as he wanted but I was trapped. It seemed nothing had changed in his life but everything had changed in mine. I even hated my own body and how it looked and that too was his fault as it all happened from having his child!!. Put all this with no sleep and it was a real mess! The list just goes on and on. We were lucky to have worked it out and are still together and very much in love.
I agree with the other posts about counselling, even if you decide you want out, it is a very health thing to do. Having a baby is such an emotional time in your life with so many things happening and your hormones are all over the place. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best for you. Take your time and be kind to yourself as you have been through a lot. Good luck with what ever you decide.

dont take offence to this its not generalised at you but i cant believe people think having a baby can/will change their situation. i cant believe people bring children into a relationship like that. babies complicate things and if things are not strong enough to start with the relationship will fall apart but its not just husband and wife that it affects now there is a brand new life in the making.

if your not happy get out. let your child see her father but dont put her through the crap i went through as a child. children need both parents and dont bad mouth him when she gets older either.

goodluck

Sorry to hear of your current situation!

I say talk things out...good communication is the key! You need to be honest with him and he needs to be honest with you!

My parents divorced after being married for over 23 years and I was glad to get away...only because my father was abusive! Being married is hard, I have been married since I was 18yo too and you have to work hard at it if you want it to work!

I say, see if someone can look after you little one while you and your husband have some private time together where you can get things off your chest otherwise they are going to manifest and before you know it the problem will be so much bigger and it will be a lot harder to fix! If you find it hard to begin, start by writing a letter and get talking about it that way!

I am sending my best wishes to you and hope things will work out soon, for the sake of you and your family!

Best wishes

hi
my partner and i almost split up a few yrs ago due to the fact that we were talking to all the wrong people when we shouldve been talking to each other. its amazing how much closer we are now that we have had a baby
i know every situation is different but in my case having a baby made a worl of difference to us.

it can happen. but i s'pose both people have to want it to happen.

get a pen and some paper and be really honest with yourself and finish these questions

i am happy when.............................................

iam angry because...............

you(your partner) make me feel this way because.........

i am sad when...............

and lastly

i wish..............................


it might help. it worked for me anyway. i ended up with an a4 journal book full from cover to cover.
i didnt feel comfortable in telling other ppl my feelings.

i was watching oprah show one day and this is where i got the questions from.
it was a self help show with the guy who wrote the book men r from mars women r from venus.

My husband and I meet nine years ago and got married 3 1/2 years ago. In November of 2002 I had a baby and in January 2004 we seperated. I also thought that our son would bring us closer together but he seemed to be more concerned about just being the two of us and not spending any time together. We are still trying to work things out but who knows?

I'm not in that situation, i was single right through the pregnancy, with no chance of getting back with my baby's father. But my parents stayed together in a dead end marriage because they had 3 kids together, and it didn't help anyone. They learnt to hate each other even more, and during the teenage years i suffered from anxiety and eating disorders, which still affect my life. My younger brother was 11 when they divorced, and turned 15 a few days ago and doesn't have any of the problems my older brother and i had through our teenage years. My older brother still has problems too which affect his life. If your marriage can't be saved, don't stay together just for the child's sake, it's not worth it.

Hi Jennie,

I fell out of love with my husband when my first 2 children were 3 and 1. I moved out, and while it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I have absolutly no regrets. I now have fallen in love with a wonderful kind man who adores my children and we recently had a child of our own. My 2 kids from my first marriage see their father every second weekend. Their father and I now have a good relationship and he is expecting a child to his girlfriend. The kids don't remember us living together as a family as they were too young but they consider themselves lucky to have all these wonderful people in their lives now. They ask questions but we are all honest and tell them the truth and they are better for it.

I will stress though that it is NOT easy. My ex and I had a bad relationship for a few years and it took a lot of patience, hurt, fighting and disagreement to get where we are today.

My advice to you is...if you are going to leave, do it now while your kids are young. Find out all legal advice and have a support system behind you. I am NOT advising you do leave, but if you do , be prepared. It is a long hard road and the first 2 years are the worst, but, it can get better. You HAVE to be strong and stand your ground but most of all......be fair. Be fair to your child. Don't let her miss out on her daddy just because of your own feelings. Spite and hatefulness will get you nowhere and your child will be hurt if she used as a pawn. These are your choices, not your childs. Please don't make her choose between the 2 people she loves most. Organise visiting rights the minute you walk out the door and be honest about everything.

I hope this helps in some small way and I wish you the best of luck.

Natalie

Actually Jennie,

What no one has said is..

That whatever you choose..

You are going to be OK!

If you need to chat, my email is natalielesley@hotmail.com

I am not a counsellor or anything but I will listen!

goodluck

Natalie