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Dont know if I will cope with his depression Lock Rss

Hey ladies, I have a question. My partner, every now and again gets really depressed and with a lot of attention, patience and persistence I can get him out of it within a day or so. Its all about him feeling useless or scared.

I am really worried that when baby comes hes going to get down again and i am not going to be able to cope with a new born and trying to get him out of his slump. I am really worried that I'm just going to yell at him to snap out of it and make it worse. I dont want him to feel lost once baby comes.

I just need some advice on coping mechanisms or mulit tasking or routines I can get myself into that will allow me to cope with everything.

sorry if this comes across as rude but i think he needs to put his big boy pants on and sort himself out. so get couselling, go on medication or whatever he needs to do. you are pregnant and having a baby shouldn't he be looking after you?

you are right to worry about what will happen once the baby is here cause they lil soul will need alot of your time, the last thing you need is him on top of that. it is not your responsibility to fix things for him, he is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.

i really don't think that you trying to find copying mechanisms and trying to do all and be all is the answer as you will be buring the candle at both ends and believe me you will need all your energy for your lil newborn.

i know i sound harsh but you can't spend the rest of your life fixing him, it's not right, not for you or the baby and i think you need to tell him that.

good luck hun smile

The day i broke up with normal was the first day of my magical life...

SunMoonStars wrote:
sorry if this comes across as rude but i think he needs to put his big boy pants on and sort himself out. so get couselling, go on medication or whatever he needs to do. you are pregnant and having a baby shouldn't he be looking after you?

you are right to worry about what will happen once the baby is here cause they lil soul will need alot of your time, the last thing you need is him on top of that. it is not your responsibility to fix things for him, he is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.

i know i sound harsh but you can't spend the rest of your life fixing him, it's not right, not for you or the baby and i think you need to tell him that.

good luck hun smile


+1

He needs to realise and accept that when the baby comes it is going to be exhausting and demanding. You are not going to have the time, energy or willpower to look after him. Many people struggle at first with a new baby. My DH and I certainly struggled and he got all down in the dumps about being tired and not getting any attention. Thank god he snapped out of it because life is so much easier when you're both in the game together. I'm not trying to underestimate depression, I know all about how hard it is, but as somebody who has been through it, I also know how important it is to learn how to manage your illness without having to rely on somebody else. Counselling and considering medication is a good start, but he also needs to be willing. I think a helpful thing too would be for him to find a support network for dads or talk to you about ways he can help after baby is born, so that he doesn't feel useless etc. Good luck!




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I agree with the 2 pp's. Is he interested in getting help though? Doesnt he want to get to the bottom of this depression and try and sort it out? As skubala said he needs to learn how to manage it without relying on someone else- that is excellent advice. And yes, it would be beneficial to all 3 of you for him to get onto this before baby comes because the fact of the matter is that baby's needs are going to come first and there's no getting around that. Hope he is willing to get some help and that things work out for you, and him too smile

Thanks ladies. I do know that he should just snap out of it as baby is way more dependant and important than he will be at the time. I know this will sound bad… but a couple months ago he got so bad he wrote a suicide note and left. After a lot of chaos I got him to snap out of it and he apologised for it and promised never to do it again. And I believe him. But I don’t want to risk him getting to that point again. Not only for his sake but mine. Loosing him would kill me. He is the most amazing and supportive person it the whole world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Its not often that he gets like this, but it’s a huge burden on my when it does, because he relies on me to get him out.

I know a lot of people would just say get rid of him because of his depression as it brings me down, but I would rather have these moments every now again than not have him at all. Hes been on medication before and I hated him when he was on it. He was so emotionless. Never excitable or energetic. It was just.. well.. BLAH…. I am trying to get him involved in the pregnancy and he loves it. I am just hoping that when baby comes hes going to realize what a miracle it is and realise that there is now someone that requires looking after. That will be completely dependent and make sure he doesn’t get down. But at the moment, im just HOPING.

Mummy2Be smile wrote:
Thanks ladies. I do know that he should just snap out of it as baby is way more dependant and important than he will be at the time. I know this will sound bad… but a couple months ago he got so bad he wrote a suicide note and left. After a lot of chaos I got him to snap out of it and he apologised for it and promised never to do it again. And I believe him. But I don’t want to risk him getting to that point again. Not only for his sake but mine. Loosing him would kill me. He is the most amazing and supportive person it the whole world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Its not often that he gets like this, but it’s a huge burden on my when it does, because he relies on me to get him out.

I know a lot of people would just say get rid of him because of his depression as it brings me down, but I would rather have these moments every now again than not have him at all. Hes been on medication before and I hated him when he was on it. He was so emotionless. Never excitable or energetic. It was just.. well.. BLAH…. I am trying to get him involved in the pregnancy and he loves it. I am just hoping that when baby comes hes going to realize what a miracle it is and realise that there is now someone that requires looking after. That will be completely dependent and make sure he doesn’t get down. But at the moment, im just HOPING.



ok, so he definately needs help and needs to get to the root of the depression. i think the suicide note was more a cry for help and for attention if he really wanted to do it he would have.

he needs couselling and i think you might need to be a bit tougher in that you need to tell him that you won't be able to give him as much attention when bub arrives and he can't rely on he to fix this when he gets depression you don't want to be a cruch for him or then he will never get professional help and always rely on you.

maybe you need to be pro active and show him that he are serious but also want to help and find a cousellor or some sort of support group and encourage him to go.

The day i broke up with normal was the first day of my magical life...

I have tried, the only issue with this is that he works 7 days a week so it makes it hard to schedule anything. But I think you are right. I do need him to be take charge and arrange counselling!

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate it! I got 3.5 months to sort it out.

SunMoonStars wrote:

ok, so he definately needs help and needs to get to the root of the depression. i think the suicide note was more a cry for help and for attention if he really wanted to do it he would have.

he needs couselling and i think you might need to be a bit tougher in that you need to tell him that you won't be able to give him as much attention when bub arrives and he can't rely on he to fix this when he gets depression you don't want to be a cruch for him or then he will never get professional help and always rely on you.

maybe you need to be pro active and show him that he are serious but also want to help and find a cousellor or some sort of support group and encourage him to go.


Agree with all of the above. But mummy2be, you need to understand too, that he cant just 'snap out of it' when it happens. Depression is an illness. A mental and emotional illness and he needs professional help in order to deal with it. If the lat lot of medication didnt work ha can try something different there are so many out there and maybe he just needs to find the right type and the right dosage that works for him.
And Im sure he does realise that when baby comes it will require a lot of your time and energy and he will love and cherish your bub but that doesnt mean his depression will just vanish because of this. He needs to learn how to deal with it himself and manage it when he does get down. This is totally possible if he is willing to get the help.
Having depression myself I can say that It is so hard for both parties .A huge reason why I am currently not with the father of my children is due to my moods.I congratulate you for sticking by him but also agree with the others and say that he needs to take responsibility for his condition and a huge part of this is knowledge is power!!The more that he learns about his mental health the more he will be able to sense and see the signs that another depressive episode is coming and he can use strategies to catch this before he gets to the stage where you feel that you need to pull him out of it.There should be social workers who come and visit your family home and who will refer your partner to recovery groups and also respite care for him and your family.Where abouts in WA are you if you dont mind me asking?just that Im in Fremantle and know that the hospital has alot of options to offer to outpatients.The more you and your husband reach out the more you will discover the amount of help that is out there even if its just to relieve the stress and pressure off you for the small amount of time that your partner is having an episode.This is what these workers do .I can give you some phone numbers if you are anywhere near freo if you like?
i also wanted to add that i really comend you for wanted and trying so hard to help him as it must be such a burden and so difficuly emotionally. he is lucky to have you.

The day i broke up with normal was the first day of my magical life...

I know that its an illness, I just got so worked up and had tried every other technique I could try that that was my last resort.

I live in Hillarys, so a little far from Fremantle, but any help would be great!!! I think alot of men think counselling is for "pansies" but I do think its our only option.

Rachelcarwardine, do you know of any good counsellors that you would reccommend? Is there anything in particular that you do to help you prevent getting to that low point?

SunMoonStars wrote:
i also wanted to add that i really comend you for wanted and trying so hard to help him as it must be such a burden and so difficuly emotionally. he is lucky to have you.


Thank you, I would consider myself the lucky one really. Even though he gets really down, he is just amazing. And I wouldnt trade him for the world. No one is perfect. smile

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