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  5. if marrage fails what happend to your kids custory wise? Is this a good idea?

if marrage fails what happend to your kids custory wise? Is this a good idea? Lock Rss

Some of u may have read my post on marrage problems. last weekend he said to me in front of a friend that he called a lawyer about taking custory of our daughter Emma. I found out this was a joke and a crawl one at that. But then last night we started to talk about it, first he said that he wanted her the week and I weekends, I said no way in hell are u doing that! She's my daughter and yours and emma and I are very close. So he said this u have her one week and I have her the next week. She's only 2 but if this happens if the marrage we are fighting for ends, is that a good idea the weekly thing? We have a son on the way too. I'm scared he will go against me and really fight for our children. I know I'm known to suffer from depression but I know I'm a good mum. Surely that couldn't be held against me if this did happenen? That really frightens me and I'll fight every step of the way if I as too. I've told him that.

Emma 31/7/03, Daniel 11/1/06

Hello Jessica

I have never been in your situation, but i think it is horrible that your husband is threatening to take your daughter away.

And from my point of view right to the other extreme your little girl being with you one week and her father the next (I hope it doesn't come to this of course and you and your husband can work things out) this would just really confuse your daughter

have you thought about getting legal advice yourself not to make any decisions but just to see where you stand just an idea as i said i really hope you can work things out but in order for this to work your husband needs to want to make it work as well

keep talking about things all the best and i hope things getting better for you

take care and keep us all updated

hugs to you


melissa, vic, Patrick 2.5 & Laura 15 months

I am not sure of the law in NZ but in Australia unless this is a court order re custody of the children either parent can do what they like. ie one parent can take the other and go into hiding and there is nothing you can do. The only way would be for the parent not in hiding to go to court get custody and search for them. If successful then you will get the child.
The problem is you can not be charge for taking your own child unless there is court order which states other if one parent does not return the child unless there is a court order the police hands are tied.

You may wish to look into this.

Good luck
Hi Jessica
I agree with what everyone else is saying, get ADVICE!. One thing that concerned me was that your first posting was that you and he were having problems with your relationship and that he had told friends about it rather than you. It is true that men are rather caveman like and will tell a friend first, if they tell you they have to confront the problem, this way they can retreat back into their cave, licking their wounds whilst the female flies into panic mode thinking Oh my god! You say that you suggested a weekend away but he thought that was running away from your problems, so why not have someone take Emma for the weekend and you stay at home to sort it out, this is of course if he still is open to discussion.

I got the notion from your most recent posting that he is giving up and now starting to try and hurt you with snide remarks to get your reaction.

I have been in your shoes, my first marriage failed after being together ten years and the same happened to my current partner and we have both learnt that communication and time out together is so important, even if its just laying on the bed together listening to each other talk, when the two year old is having an afternoon nap. I dont want to scare you that its over, its just that you need to keep communicating if you want to come through the other side, your child/children are important but so is your relationship and this needs to be a priority for you both, you both obviously love your daughter no questions there, so give yourselves the time and effort you would normally give to her.

Good luck with it, if its what you truly want DONT give up. One of the other things I have learnt about men is when you want to have a heart to heart with them about something do it sitting next to them or be doing something while you are speaking, men get scared when we sit across from them directly and want to talk, they share their inner secrets with their best mates sitting on a bar stool next to each other - its not confronting.

Secondly if it doesn't work out the way you hope, prepare for the future as one day things may get nasty and you dont want to be bitten twice.

Take care

Mum of 13,11, 7 & 5 mth boys, girl sleeping abov


I was in about the same place as you about 4 yrs ago.

Ex wanted our son weekdays and I could have him weekends - he was 3yrs old. He tried to reason that I worked and he didn't. Told him no way. and on and on it went.

It sounds like he's lawyered up. You should seek legal advice, as the laws in NZ are most likely different. However some things are likely to be similiar.

You need to set some rules for the kids and (for any legal stuff now or later.)

No 1 - No-one is to slander the other parent in front of the children (and no arguing in front of children). No matter how much your mum / best friend, may not like what your ex is doing - they should not show this in front of the children - no matter what age.

No 2 - keep a diary of conversations, phone calls, events, etc. Including when the kids visit their father (including times, dates), their mood, etc when returning. This is proof of visitation, your ex's contact with children, etc. Do not include your feelings (eg, ex made me feel very mad, i hate him) as if the diary become court evidence - then all entries are evidence, etc.

No 3 - Establish visitaiton and try to keep to it. (if he gets the kids on weekends then it is only 2 nights, not three nights here, 2 there, sometimes 4, etc). This will establish routine for the kids, and legally, once a pattern has been established courts don't like to change it too much. If there is not a regular patten courts may decide for you.

Has he left the house? (where you both used to live). Set firm rules about when he can and can't visit and only for the purpose of visiting the children. (no contact after 8pm, etc) and you have a friend / family member with you when this happens. (If only for a 'witness' of what he says, particularly if he is abusive, etc).

Don't talk to your ex about your depression. His lawyer may use it as ammunition. In Australia, it is very hard to get a child 'taken away' from the main care giver (basically need to be proven to be a drug dealer or in jail.) Worst case: in court he is 'seen' to be more 'stable' than you (eg no medical history on his side v any possible depression on your medical history).

In Aust there is a system so that temporary parental orders (custody) can be heard quickly in the event of family breakups and if either parent is likely to do the runner with the kids. (check if you can do similiar in NZ.) Thus if he goes with them, there's more you can do to get them back and it shows he's not willing to abide with the 'orders'. (makes it harder for him to get 'more' custody.)

I'm sorry this is long winded. I've just been through it and the above is only some of it. I always thought that I would have to do this or that, but don't hesitate to protect the kids.

You can email me if you like: [email protected]

Best wishes

hey Jessica,

my bf was married before i meet him and in the marrage him and his wife had to kids his wife meet another guy over the net and took of to canada with this other guy and there unborn baby.

my boyfriends ex wife left her kids when they were 1and 2 years of age my bf has custerdy of the kids now his ex wife is back in australia she is trying to get the kids me and my bf have been going to court for nearly 4 years now since she has been back now the kids are 6 and 5 years of age and it terrible how they have to go throw court and family assestmants. and they dont really know there mother and her partner that well and there child they my bfs kids have to go to there mothers ever 2 weekends out of 3 and my bf doesnt see them much as he likes to because there always at there mothers and we only get 1 weekend with them

Its not a good thing to take kids to court because it costs alot and it hurts you and the child your daughter is to young and she only knows you because youralways there waite will she is a bit older or orginize for your ex parneter to look after her for and hour or somthing
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