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Sorry this is gonna be long.... back history needed :S

My son's father has treated me like s**t for the last seven years (yes I know I let him).
We weren't together when I got pregnant but had been "friends" for a while after a teen relationship. He was really angry about me getting pregnant and was given the option to walk away and after swinging back and forth for months decided to be involved.
At about 6 months pregnant he got involved with the girl who he had cheated on me with and caused the end of our teen relationship, she told everyone that I had done it on purpose and caused alot of caos in my life, as did he with his treatment of me.
When my son was a few months old their relationship ended and a few months after that him and I decided to try for our family. It failed due to lack of trying, possibly on both our parts. Aside from his treatment of me he has was a FANTASTIC father, I couldn't have asked for better, although he was only ever here every second weekend.
At the beginning of this year we discussed trying again and started sleeping together etc. Until I found out he was sleeping with HER! Not long after that they got back together and he decided he no longer wanted our son in his life, stopped seeing him and stopped paying child support.
He says he wasted the last 3 years of his life. Thinks having a kid has ruined his life and prevented him doing the things he wants and being the person he should have been. He has said very very clearly that he wishes our boy was never born. I have NEVER seen such a ANGRY, DEPRESSED person!!
This was 3 months ago.
He called me last week and "wants to talk".

Do I go? Do I let him take/see his son, knowing he still feels his son is the ruin of his life?? Am I wrong to not want his new girl coming anywhere near my son??? Is it possible to forgive your sons father for saying all those things???? Has anyone else been here?
[Edited on 14/08/2008]

danielboy born 3/3/6

I have not been in your situation but this is my advice:

He has a right to see his son, but I would make it legal - go to mediation, set visitation rules and rules regarding discipline, schooling etc. He should also be paying child support, I would be talking to Centrelink about that if I was you. You need to make it very clear to him that if he chooses to be a part of your child's life he can't just come and go as he pleases.

Maybe the things he said to you were just in anger or maybe he really meant them and unless he apologises I don't think you will know for sure. As far as your feeling go towards this other woman - they are totally understandable and very warranted. I think you need to try to forget what he said and do the best thing for your son.
Hi there,

I agree with Staaria. I have not been in a situation like this but have seen it too many times. A leopard NEVER changes it's spots and I don't see this guy ever changing. He is emotionally abusing you and you are too good of a person to be stuffed around like this. He is controlling you and you may be thinking this treatment is OK. It's not. You need to think about your DS. He comes absolutely first. He needs to be happy and if Mum and Dad aren't happy, he sure won't be. He is gonna see the way his father is treating his Mum and think that it is OK to treat woman like this. If you choose to go talk, don't take your son. You need to see his father adult to adult. I do understand your feelings of another woman being in your sons life as I have had thoughts like that if DP and I split but he too has thought about what would it be like if a new man came into my life. I personally would seek some kind of legal advice just to see what the options could be. As for not paying his child support, I would definately seek legal advice over that. He helped bring your DS into the world so now he needs to be a MAN and take responsibilty.

Please remember, this is only my opinion, it's not gospel but I hope you can take it in and have a think.

Hope you get things sorted soon xoxo

I haven't been in your situation as such. My own father was coming and going as he pleased at till i was 7yrs old when my mum finally said thats enough. Even though i was young i still remember the disappointment of him breaking promises and playing the 'great' father when he was around.
After mum stopped him seeing me and my 2 sisters, i think our life finally got on track and we were happier kids because of it!
He might have said those things out of anger, or it may have been playing on his mind, who knows.
As for the other woman, grrrr how can a woman come in and break up a family, i hope what goes around comes round!!! you have every right to feel what you feel!

I would do what the other lady suggested, make things legal! he will then know your serious and you are now an adult not the teenager he dated!
[Edited on 16/08/2008]



Hi there, sorry your going through such a rough frustrating time, but yes I have been there, I have two girls to an ex, he too admitted that he didnt think he wanted to be a family man anymore and left... He came and went numerous times, and of course I still felt I loved him and had to get back for the kids.
In the end I had enough, enough of being used when it suited him. In the end we parted permanately and everytime we made arrangements for him to see the kids he never turned up, you can just imagine how the girls felt and to see their faces is something I will never forget.
I cut all ties with him and have never received one cent.. but its the best decision I made.

Anyhow thats my story, its so hard when your in a position like this and you will be the one to make up your mind. If he wants to talk.. then I would suggest go alone just you and him talk first.. to see what he has to say, then its up to you to do what you feel is best for you and your son, anyway wish you all the best.
By the way the girls are great, smart and respectful, and think their dad is a loser..
Also I never denied him acdess or spoke badly of him

Thank you all for your advice, Its good to know I'm not going crazy and that I'm not being unreasonable etc.

He has since started minimum payments and still wants nothing to do with his son, no talk required. Must have been a mmoment of 'insanity' for him thinking he wanted to be there.

Have decided not worth the battle to try and get him paying the right amount, a third is better then nothing and he is staying away which although sad for my son I think is the best thing right now. phew.

Thanks again, its hard to see straight when you're in the middle of stuff like this and its reassuring to know you're right. smile

danielboy born 3/3/6

this is only my opinion,but i wouldnt allow him to see your little boy.how dare he say those horrible things to you.he knew what he was saying and when u say something like that you cant take it back.if i was you i would be gettin the legal amount your required to get.both my exs give me nothing and they were eager enough to sleep with me and for me to end up pregnant they too can help with the costs of bringing them up.i probably seem to harsh but they should be responsable for the daily costs of raising their children too.who is to say it wont happen to some other girl.
hey,
um this is wat i think...
i think he is so selfish and an undecisive jerk!!
if he wasnt he wouldn't be in and out and making comments like that.
i say if your curious to what he has to say then meet up but i strongly advise that you go without your son jus in case it gets nasty. but make sure you dont get suckered into anything hear what he has to say and think about it before giving him an answer on anything.
but i think your doin a great job through this situation its hard i know. so be strong
Heya,

I say kick him to the kerb, it sounds like he doesn't even deserve the time you spend worrying about him...

If a father wants an active part of their childs life they will just be there naturally. At this point this guy doesn't sound like he would be a positive influence in your childs life. Actions speak louder than words, so when his actions tell you he wants to be responsible, honest, caring etc then go and meet with him until then I would be concentrating on myself and my child... ((( big hugs )))I know its hard ...

xxx

I went through a similar situation with my eldest son and from experience I feel the best solution is for YOU to make the decision as to whether your ex should be a part of your childs life, at the moment your allowing him to make the decision by even considering to see him.
I made that mistake and my son was extremely hurt and confused, constantly asking me why daddy doesn't like him and in the end after his father changing his mind too many times I cut him off.
Its taken years to repair the damage my ex did but my boy has come through and is much more adjusted now then if I had allowed the back and forth to continue the unhealthy instability my ex was providing and I do not regret it one bit.
My own father and brothers (and now my new partner) proved to be great role models in place of a father and I feel having this was an excellent way to help my boy through the transition.

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