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FIL issues, please offer advice Lock Rss

I have been married for one year, with my DH for 5. Our DD is 5 months old, FIL adores DD. We have never had a good relationship. When I had been with my partner for several months he accused me of cheating on DH. I didnt and it came from someone who said I was in a place where I wasnt as I was out for my brothers 18 birthday. That is issue one.

BIL is a drug addict, he gets everything he wants, he asks for money and they give in, all the time. Which is frustrating as DH has to beg for $10, and BIL gets $20-50 every day, even when he lived at home, same case. We had to ask to borrow money, we dont visit much and when we did FIL accused me of being money hungry and thats all I was after. Thats issue 2.

FIL is a very opinionated man. He frustrates everyone in his family, including all DHs aunty's and uncle's. He has told us what to do with our house, as we have recently built a new house. He has "told" us to do things, we have decided differently to him and he gets upset. Whilst we were away over Christmas holidays, DH and I decided that we want Agapanthus plants along one wall, we get back from holidays and they are everywhere, yes it is very nice to plant them, bun he should not have done it while we werent home and asked where we wanted them. Issue 3.

The last straw has been that FIL was recently at our house helping DH in the yard. Then he was hosing the cars. I told him to stop as there are water restricions and we have dirt, dirt+water=mud. HE stormed off and went home. This was about 2-3 weeks ago.

The problem is DH gets upset that Im not talking to FIL, but FIL is also not talking to me. Im think of doing a pros and cons about him and asking him to do the same about me so we can get some common ground and be civil to each other as it is starting to affect my relationship with DH in that after Dh sees his dad we have an arguement.

Opinions please, I need to sort something out and I probably will have to be the bigger person. Even if I dont want to.

I am not perfect, so thats why I think the list may work but not sure. I can argue but I like arguements, not no talking to people, especially people that are so close to DH.

Thanks in advance, Allison

I hope that makes sense

I have had a similar problem with FIL tread very carefully, I would bite my tongue as much as I could and just let hubby deal with any issues. I dont talk to FIL and he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't visit well only once in last 2 yrs but I actually like that however it means our 3 girls don't see him much. DP visits FIL every now and then but not very often, FIL is very negative and rubs everyone up the wrong way. My DP is an only child and doesn't get any help or support from his dad, but he is still his family and I have had to learn to bite my tongue to save arguments with DP. Sorry rambled on a bit good luck.
Thanks for that, your FIL sounds like mine. I try to bite my tounge it is very difficult as my family is always open with their problems with others.

I don't know why men turn into cantankerous old coot's sometimes. But sometimes they do /shrug.

The secret to dealing with it is simple!

Don't take it personally.

If he's rude, that's just him. Shake your head, smile to yourself and carry on.

I get the feeling he's harmless, great with your DD and even helpful in a misguided way. Planting Agapantha's is a nice thing to do, really. He just planted them in dumb places. He's obviously really sensitive and I'm sure you thanked him but then criticized where he put them? If you'd just thanked him I reckon he would've been like a little puppy and beamed and been chuffed as! You might of missed an opportunity there...

He is what he is, he ain't changing. Just enjoy his funny ways and really , really don't take anything personally. Works for me in all sorts of relationships.

Rocks weather

hi there, i have had problems with inlaws as well (who hasnt) but i think you need to see it from his point of view as well. planting those flowers for you i think is so nice and shoes that he really cares and wants to make you all happy. i dont understand how you could be upset about that.. also with having to beg for $10.. why is hubby even asking for money - maybe your fil is wondering why you need to borrow money in the first place and could be blamng it on you. i would just tell hubby not to borrow any money at all. in the end i would not make it uncomfortable for your husband to see his dad - i dont think it would be good for your relationship and you may lose out.

Giovanni 5 yrs - Giselle 2 - Gabriel 5 months..

ggsmama thanks,

Sorry with the borrowing money was when DH was an apprentice, not lately and didnt have much he had to practically beg for a tiny bit yet his brother gets what ever he screams for as he causes arguements all the time.

Planting the flowers did show he cares yet he tries to tell us to do so many things to our house which we dont want

Don't fight the battle on your own!!!!

I have my husband 'talk' to my FIL if it's an issue that has really upset me. This way it prevents me from yelling at him and he tends to be more understanding when it comes from his son. Also I find if he did something that is partially good thank him then add what you see as the negative then back it up with another positive. So with the flowers you could say 'thanks for planting them but they aren't where we want them. I guess you could help us replant them in a better place!' It's worth a try!!! But I think your DH needs to ascert control over things. He doesn't 'own' you guys!!

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