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I'm sorry if this end up 400 pages long!
If you make it to the end of this post THANKYOU!

I'm just over it... it being DP.

I feel like he undermines everything I do, he is never happy/satisfied with anything, acts like a spoiled little kid, expects everything to go his way all the time and Heaven forbid it doesn't there are temper tantrums and sulking, he has very high expectations of how the children and I do things, and even higher expectations of how the house should look. he is constantly belittling and putting us down, and no matter how hard I try and tell him these things are wrong for him to be doing especially to the children, his constant reply is "Yeah well you do x", "I don't do any of those things" or (my personal favourite) "You're cracking it for no reason!"

I'm a pretty laid back person. I have learned to just go with the flow with him as no matter how much I fight it my opinion/ideas/thoughts/preferences/wants mean less than squat to him. It seems that his preference/choice etc trump mine regardless. He is the kind of person that when you say 'the sky is blue' he will disagree and say "no its turquoise!"
He never remembers anything, and I mean everything! I literally have to tell him things 6 or 7 times and even then he barely remembers, which becomes increasingly frustrating as since he never pays any attention to what I say to him he is constantly saying "What??" and I have to repeat myself another 5 times, and half the time he cuts me off with something totally irrelevant to the conversation, or starts paying attention to the TV and tunes out, so I stop mid sentence and he doesn't even realise! I am literally a broken record repeating every single thing I say 10 times. Often it gets to the point where I give up and say forget it!

The children are 3 and 5 and in his eyes never seem to do anything right. He absolutely adores them, there is no question about that, and they are his absolute pride and joy, but the way he speaks to them and puts them down is terrible. For example, I was tidying up my room today and asked DD1 if she could take some of the clothes and put them in the laundry. She agreed straight away and took them. DP went into the laundry 5 mins later and noticed DD had put the clothes into the washing machine. DP cracked it and yelled to her "Oh my God DD1 why did you put the dirty clothes in the washing machine! The clothes in there were clean! Now I have to wash them all again! Pay attention! It's not that hard!!!" She is 5 years old and thought outside the square and got into trouble for it! I told her to put it in the laundry and she thought ahead and tried to help and put them straight into the washing machine, and got shot down for it. I tried explaining this to him and he didn't care and kept going on about it. The clothes were worn,. not full of mud/dirt etc, the clothes underneath did not need to be washed again, but he disagreed.

So if he cracks it this badly about the clothes can you imagine the reaction he has over things that matter?!

The house has to be SPOTLESS otherwise he cracks it really badly, and gets in such a bad mood he puts his iPod in his ears and ignores us and cleans slamming things and not looking at us!! Now of course like most homes there are times when the house is a total mess... beds need making, dishes need putting away, dishwasher needs to be filled, washing folded etc, but it never EVER is filthy. I work up to 6 nights a week, often getting home at 1am, falling asleep by 2.30am and waking up at 5.45am to wake him up for work otherwise he sleeps thru his alarm. We do not sleep in the same bed as he snores extremely loud, and breathes very heavily which keeps me awake all night, so he sleeps on the couch or in DDs bedand DD sleeps with me. He refuses to go to a Dr about his snoring because "All quacks are overpaid idiots" so that's how the sleeping arrangements have been for well over a year now. So I have to get up out of bed, walk to the lounge and wake him up, then go back to bed until his alarm goes off again, then repeat the process... this happens 4 times, sometimes more. If I happen to sleep thru his alarm too he literally jumps out of bed, throws his work clothes on and runs out the door when the carpool arrives so often they are waiting for him!
So I get nearly 4 hours sleep a day, and work 6-10 hour length shifts depending on the day, and am expected to keep the house in 'Display Home' condition 24hours a day. Admittedly he does do alot of the housework as he only works 4 days a week, however I am constantly being told WHAT he has done regarding the housecleaning (as if he is trying to guilt trip me). He makes it out like all the kids and I do is make the house a mess as if we like like animals! As I said we all have days where the house is a mess, but messy and dirty are 2 different things! And in all honesty my house is pretty spotless most of the time because the kids and I avoid touching anything because of what he is like! A few weeks ago I had to start work early while DP was at work so my Mum came over to look after the kids, and brought over a heap of crafty things for them to do - coloured paper, kids scissors, new pencils, textas, glue, her laptop and printer so she could print off activities for them etc. DP got home at about 6pm, then I got home at 1am. I had to listen to him carry on for HOURS and again the next day about the fact my Mum had let the kids cut up little squares of paper to stick on their little posters, and that some were on the floor! A few weeks ago I cleaned out the kids wardrobe getting rid of clothes that don't fit them anymore, toys they have grown out of etc, and DP cracked it so much about the mess that he went to his parents house! I told him I had to pull all the stuff out to go thru it and weed it out, but he was so annoyed it was a mess while I was doing it that he went out so he didn't have to look at it!
He is constantly saying the house looks like a pig sty, whether it is spotless or not. I added up the other week how many hours I had to clean that week in order to do all the things he wanted done.... I alone cleaned for 35 hours over the course of the week, and he cleaned about 20 hours additional. Yes you read right, that is OVER 50 HOURS worth of cleaning a WEEK for a 12 square house!!!!!!!! We do NOT live like pigs, we have a very tidy home most of the time, yet it is not good enough. We can't do anything on the weekends until late arvo when its too late to do anything because "We have to clean first!!"
By the way he carries on it makes the house sound like it resembles a TIP but let me assure you it is far from it, to the point where I have considered that maybe he has OCD and not in a joking way! he has little interest in our finances, he does not know what I earn each each week, what bills are due or even what bills we have, he couldn't tell you who our gas or electricity company is! Yet is is obsessive about the housework!

He leave me list of things to do every day or calls and tells me things he wants done. And it's either do it or suffer his bad mood and belittling, and making me feel like I do nothing around here.

We only ever go the places he wants to do, only do the things he wants to do, only eat the foods he wants to eat, and if we don't then he is just so persistent and angry until he gets what he wants.

I feel like all I am is a convenience with him. Everything he wants he gets, and I have to cater for it all or Heaven help me with his moods! He constantly forge
I read that and I just want to say I'm sorry and he does sound like a jerk. Is leaving him an option? It really doesn't sound like the happy life that you deserve sad

oh love i just want to start by giving you a great big hug!!!!!!!!

as someone who grew up living just with my mother and she was a severe sufferer of OCD i know how hard it can be. I have the pleasure of now inheriting the condition myself so i unfotunatly can see and understand what he seems to be experiecing aswell.
on the weekends my husband also complains because i like to get up and ensure the house is clean and in order before we do anything but it usually doesnt take any longer than an hour or two. most of the house cleaning i do myself as i am extrememly fussy in how it is done but i do allow hubby to do dishes and things aswell. although he doesnt do them how i like most of the time i tend to not say anything because i dont want him to feel the way you are. also when it comes to ds i really struggle with the idea of letting him just play and make a mess....... but this is my disease, i recognise it and so i have to loosen the reins and let him do it.
i think it may be beneficial for you and ur husband to sit down and seriously discuss the posibility he may have ocd. do a bit of reading about it and mayb even book in for a session with a phsycoligist to help diagnose it. if he is suffering from it he may find a massive weight has been lifted just by understanding it and why he feels the way he does at times.

ocd can not be to blame for all his behaviour and i think u need to sit down and seriously talk to him about how u are feeling and that u requesting a sleep in is not too much to ask and he should absolutly do it for you. sounds like he is overlooking you in alot of ways and u need to make sure ur voice and feelings are being heard.
i would also be very stern in making it clear to him that talking to the kids like that is not on..... its one thing to be like that with you (not that its ok with you either) but those children do not deserve that kind of critisism.

since he seems to find it so easy to take a step back and say its all too much mayb u should give him a taste of his own medicine. go to a friends place.... sit and have a coffee and some biccies and chat about everything non kids or housework related.

all the best
**GBH** Wow im gobsmacked after reading this. Seems like you and the kids are walking on eggshells..thats no way to live your life sad
WOW. he either has a serious effing problem (ocd/or maybe chemical inbalance or something) or he is just a miserable, egocentric, childish excuse for a man.

you and your kids do not deserve this. not at all. he needs help, lots of help and unfortunately he will never find it if he does firstly admit that he has a problem. the fact that he doesn't care to listen to how you feel or even know you at all tells me that he is purely in this marriage for himself.

there is a saying that goes "when you smile the whole world smiles with you, but when you cry, you cry alone." this is no way to live. you are making all the sacrafices and him none.

i really want to say to you leave his sorry arse but i know it's not that easy. i guess you already know that life with him will be miserable, lonely and hard and you also have to think how will it affect your kids. life should be carefree, fun,magical not full of fear, worry and upset that their dad will blow a fuse any minuet.

good luck and i wish you all the best and remember that sometimes in life we need to look at the big picture...


The day i broke up with normal was the first day of my magical life...

hey coco,

wow. sounds like you have a lot on your plate sad

From how you describe him it sounds like maybe something isn't quite right, I wonder if he is suffering from either ocd like you said or maybe even depression? I know it will be a mission trying to get him to see a dr about this (as they are 'quacks') but I think it might really help.

For the snoring issue - my DP also snores TERRIBLY. We use a mixture of nasal and throat sprays, sometimes a mouth strip. Have you tried these? They don't fix the problem completely but definitely make it better. It used to be a tense subject for us too, I found that once I made myself stop getting annoyed at him (was hard lol but I managed it) in the night and instead of waking him and telling him to roll over all grumpy I just gently rub his shoulder, initially asking him to please roll over and after a few nights he would just know to roll over when I rubbed his shoulder. SO he's well trained lol Not sure if this will work for you but it made it less of an issue for us smile

I also think he is taking you for granted. Does he ever say thank you when you carry out this ridiculous cleaning regime for him?

Sounds like he may have forgotten that kids will be kids and that doesn't happen in a sterile environment. He needs to look at the bigger picture here - like with the washing, like you I thought 'what a good 5 year old!' when I read that. So what if the washing was clean in there already. Only takes half an hour to do again. geeze.

Good luck with this guy. I'm not going to say leave him leave him leave him because I know its not that simple but its pretty clear he needs to adjust his behavior if you are going to be a happy couple.

Big hugs!!!!!!
Oh dear- Sounds like this man needs a wake up call. You need to do something drastic to get his attention, like packing yourself and the kids up and spending the night (or several)away from him- And tell him why you are leaving.
He seems like a controlling a-hole!

Men like this don't deserve lovely ladies like you in their lives! angry Stop letting him walk all over you. Stand up to him. He knows his behavior works in getting what he wants so he keeps doing it. Don't let him be the boss of everything. Be strong and tell yourself you deserve MUCH better than this. If he's smart enough he'll soon realise that his moods don't work anymore. Stay strong x

First we had Each Other, Then we had You, Now we have Everything

Wow! I only have a few words to describe him, controlling, ocd and domestic emotional abuser. Sorry if that sounds hard but by belittling you and your children, giving you lists, flying off the handle all the time he is creating a horrible environment for you and your kids. Is it possible you and the kids could go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks? It sounds like you have a great mum who loves the kids, that way you can get a good sleep after work every night. And it will show him that you are serious he needs to mend his ways.
Huge hugs to you. That is a lot to deal with.

Firstly, you have to know, that is not about you at all. Its all about him. You DO do a wonderful job, your house IS clean enough and you DO deserve to be heard.

My suggestion to you is to get some counselling for yourself. You also need to set some boundaries with him. He should get help too, but obviously thats not something you can make him do. What YOU can do, is let him know what you are and aren't prepared to do in the relationship. In terms of the kids, you are their protector. I know you tell him to stop speaking to them like that, but if he doesn't listen you need to remove them from the situation.
Whether that be for the afternoon, for a week or for 6 months.

At the moment, he has stuff going on. Whats happening is, he is using you and your little ones as an outlet. Whether its a power thing or security, or how he was parented - I wouldn't have a clue. However, he has no right to do that to any of you and you do not have to let him. If he cracks it because the house isn't clean enough - let him crack it. Tell him you and the kids will not be around him while he acts like that. Be cheery, put the kids in the car and go and do something fun. If it were me, I would not clean on purpose. The cleaning is not the issue. He can clean and clean, but it will not make his issues go away. What he is doing is thinking that the cleaning is the problem - although I suspect its lack of control. If everything is spotless he is in control of the situation. When others mess it up he loses it. He then slams you guys for messing it up, so he gets you cleaning which makes him feel in control and then he is settled again. By getting in and cleaning (for him) to that extreme standard, you are enabling him to do that. It would be different if you wanted the house that clean, but you said you are doing it specifically so he doesn't lose it. Which is wrong.

Have a look at this website and see if it rings true for you.

You need to be secure in yourself and know what your priorities are. You need to keep yourself and your kids safe. (and that includes from emotional abuse) you need to understand YOU are in total control of YOUR life. I am not saying leave him, by any means. I think first you need to speak to someone so you understand what is actually happening in this situation. You need to be honest with your partner in regards to where you stand. At the moment he has no reason to change anything as you are letting him and enabling him to treat you and your kids this way. I get from your post that you know its wrong and thats why its frustrating as you are doing all you can. Sometimes though, actions speak louder then words and maybe you and the kids should go on a little holiday by yourselves just so you can all have a little break from each other. What he is doing is wrong and you do not deserve to be treated that way. He deserves a chance to try and start healing whatever is going on with him and that won't happen while you bend to his will. He needs you to stand up and say no. He needs you to refuse to do what he tells you and he needs you to stop keeping the peace and stand up for you and your kids. Otherwise he won't take it to the next level so he can start helping himself. What will he do when you don't clean the house to show home standard? What will he do when you walk out of the room whenever he has a tantrum? What will he do when you flat out refuse to be around him when he is so angry?

Another thing is, its possible to be with someone and live seperately. Especially when dealing with something like this. It could give you both a chance to rethink stuff and work on yourselves. Either way you and the kids deserve a bit of normality. Nobody should have to tiptoe around another person in fear of them getting angry.

*Huge hugs.* Help is waiting for you. You just need to ask.
Thank you all for your honest and understanding replies. I really do appreciate it.
I do have to go to work now until possibly midnight, knowing work they will ask me to stay back, so I can't respond to some comments and questions right now, but I will when I get home. I didn't want anyone to think I didn't care about replying, or didn't appreciate the replies you all left.

Thank you. X
wow what a miserable life... sad not even a life! it's an existence.
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